13 Things I've Learned About Mental Illness...
Actual title: Thirteen Things I've Learned About Mental Illness That Don't Necessarily Have Anything To Do With Keeping Your Shit Together, But Which May Help People Understand Where I Am Coming From.
Trigger warning goes here.
1. Family, friends and acquaintances will treat your mental illness like a plumbing problem: you call the relevant professional and then nobody has to deal with you anymore. Prepare to be the recipient of such informative speeches as "your anxiety and depression is really distressing for me," and "you're obviously not trying hard enough," and the all-time favourite: "So why do you think this is happening?"
2. Your 'normal' friends will not be able to understand what's going on. They will pay lip service to “R U OK?” and “any time you want to talk” but they will not actually ever want to hear about how much you hate yourself. If you do not befriend other depressed people, you may find that you have no friends at all.
3. You will receive all manner of unsolicited advice. Expect people to make suggestions that are obvious and banal. People will suggest that you "just stop worrying about it," or that you "try to get more sleep," or "maybe going for a run would help."
This is going to feel like when your mother Googles the topic of your thesis to "help you out" and thoughtfully offers you her links to howstuffworks. These people mean well. They do not mean to be so condescending, and do not understand that they're being assholes. It is easiest in my experience to ignore them.
4. On the occasions when ignoring the above people is impossible, you will probably start crying while you're trying to explain why you can't handle their kind solicitousness. You should know that crying invalidates all your thoughts and feelings because you are being irrational.
5. Actually, mental illness invalidates all of your thoughts and feelings because you are being irrational. Nothing will blunt the betrayed shock the first time you learn that you don't matter anymore because people close to you don't trust you to know what you're talking about. Likewise, you will find well-meaning friends and relatives working hard to snip of pieces of your agency. They mean well.
6. For some people, depression in particular means there are days where you can't handle the pressure of dressing and feeding yourself. Nobody will think this is okay. You are lazy and not trying hard enough.
If you have friends who are likewise mentally ill, they are more likely to understand how you feel. They won’t think it’s okay, but they won’t tell you it’s because you’re lazy.
7. Telling your workplace that you have a mental illness that occasionally impedes your ability to function will lead to questions about your fitness for work. If you do have days where you cannot face daylight, your work place will not understand. I am trying not to make too many recommendations here because this list is about Understanding Where I Am Coming From and not about Helping You Fix It, but I seriously recommend telling them you ate bad sushi and you can’t stop throwing up. Food poisoning is temporary and usually violent enough to make for a good excuse. This is probably only helpful if you’re a casual staff member and don’t have to produce a medical certificate, though.
8. When you are 13, self-harm will seem to other people like a childish cry for attention and you will largely be ignored. When you're 20, people will be confused and angry and resentful with you. There is nothing you can do to make people understand what self-harm is for you, or what role it plays in your life. No, not even mental health professionals. Sometimes especially not mental health professionals.
9. If you decide to take medication for your mental illness, you may wish to tell your family members about this big step. Because people are basically assholes, they will tell you that they think you're weak. They may be too focused on how this reflects on them to realise that your brain chemistry may never be the same again. If you explain this to them, they may not care.
10. If you do not decide to take medication for your mental illness, you will be asked about it constantly, and it will be suggested at every turn that you should try it because somebody read an article in the MX the other day that said there was a new wonder drug for schizophrenia. Your attempts to assure people you have no intention of taking medication for your illness will backfire. People are usually too polite to say it outright, but you will notice changes in their expression, body language and tone that make it clear they no longer think you're trying hard enough.
11. Emotional energy is like physical energy: sometimes you run out. Your attempts to make other people understand your mental illness will lead to them:
a) gaslighting
b) refusing to listen and talking over the top of you
c) explaining that their cat died once and they were really sad but they got over it
d) refusing to accept that their behaviour is extremely unhelpful and a long explanation about how you’re just not taking it the right way and you’re too sensitive
or e) changing the subject because you're clearly uncomfortable and also because they don't want to know.
If you run out of emotional energy and stop trying and just become bitter and resentful (and drunk), I certainly won't blame you.
12. People will ask why you're doing this to them and why you can't be normal. Your every desperate attempt to make a "normal" person understand what's going on in your head to foster some kind of understanding on their side will prompt a discourse on what it feels like for that person to have to relate to you, which is a burden for them due to your illness. These attempts will overwhelmingly end in silence.
13. Remember, mental illness is your fault. You've just got to work harder at getting over it.
Trigger warning goes here.
1. Family, friends and acquaintances will treat your mental illness like a plumbing problem: you call the relevant professional and then nobody has to deal with you anymore. Prepare to be the recipient of such informative speeches as "your anxiety and depression is really distressing for me," and "you're obviously not trying hard enough," and the all-time favourite: "So why do you think this is happening?"
2. Your 'normal' friends will not be able to understand what's going on. They will pay lip service to “R U OK?” and “any time you want to talk” but they will not actually ever want to hear about how much you hate yourself. If you do not befriend other depressed people, you may find that you have no friends at all.
3. You will receive all manner of unsolicited advice. Expect people to make suggestions that are obvious and banal. People will suggest that you "just stop worrying about it," or that you "try to get more sleep," or "maybe going for a run would help."
This is going to feel like when your mother Googles the topic of your thesis to "help you out" and thoughtfully offers you her links to howstuffworks. These people mean well. They do not mean to be so condescending, and do not understand that they're being assholes. It is easiest in my experience to ignore them.
4. On the occasions when ignoring the above people is impossible, you will probably start crying while you're trying to explain why you can't handle their kind solicitousness. You should know that crying invalidates all your thoughts and feelings because you are being irrational.
5. Actually, mental illness invalidates all of your thoughts and feelings because you are being irrational. Nothing will blunt the betrayed shock the first time you learn that you don't matter anymore because people close to you don't trust you to know what you're talking about. Likewise, you will find well-meaning friends and relatives working hard to snip of pieces of your agency. They mean well.
6. For some people, depression in particular means there are days where you can't handle the pressure of dressing and feeding yourself. Nobody will think this is okay. You are lazy and not trying hard enough.
If you have friends who are likewise mentally ill, they are more likely to understand how you feel. They won’t think it’s okay, but they won’t tell you it’s because you’re lazy.
7. Telling your workplace that you have a mental illness that occasionally impedes your ability to function will lead to questions about your fitness for work. If you do have days where you cannot face daylight, your work place will not understand. I am trying not to make too many recommendations here because this list is about Understanding Where I Am Coming From and not about Helping You Fix It, but I seriously recommend telling them you ate bad sushi and you can’t stop throwing up. Food poisoning is temporary and usually violent enough to make for a good excuse. This is probably only helpful if you’re a casual staff member and don’t have to produce a medical certificate, though.
8. When you are 13, self-harm will seem to other people like a childish cry for attention and you will largely be ignored. When you're 20, people will be confused and angry and resentful with you. There is nothing you can do to make people understand what self-harm is for you, or what role it plays in your life. No, not even mental health professionals. Sometimes especially not mental health professionals.
9. If you decide to take medication for your mental illness, you may wish to tell your family members about this big step. Because people are basically assholes, they will tell you that they think you're weak. They may be too focused on how this reflects on them to realise that your brain chemistry may never be the same again. If you explain this to them, they may not care.
10. If you do not decide to take medication for your mental illness, you will be asked about it constantly, and it will be suggested at every turn that you should try it because somebody read an article in the MX the other day that said there was a new wonder drug for schizophrenia. Your attempts to assure people you have no intention of taking medication for your illness will backfire. People are usually too polite to say it outright, but you will notice changes in their expression, body language and tone that make it clear they no longer think you're trying hard enough.
11. Emotional energy is like physical energy: sometimes you run out. Your attempts to make other people understand your mental illness will lead to them:
a) gaslighting
b) refusing to listen and talking over the top of you
c) explaining that their cat died once and they were really sad but they got over it
d) refusing to accept that their behaviour is extremely unhelpful and a long explanation about how you’re just not taking it the right way and you’re too sensitive
or e) changing the subject because you're clearly uncomfortable and also because they don't want to know.
If you run out of emotional energy and stop trying and just become bitter and resentful (and drunk), I certainly won't blame you.
12. People will ask why you're doing this to them and why you can't be normal. Your every desperate attempt to make a "normal" person understand what's going on in your head to foster some kind of understanding on their side will prompt a discourse on what it feels like for that person to have to relate to you, which is a burden for them due to your illness. These attempts will overwhelmingly end in silence.
13. Remember, mental illness is your fault. You've just got to work harder at getting over it.