It's you 12/19
Title: It's You
Pairings: JaeChun, Jaejoong/Seon Woong (Epik High's Tablo), HoSu
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Yoochun loves Jaejoong. Jaejoong loves Seon Woong. Seon Woong is not who he pretends to be. Yoochun is Jaejoong's brother.
Warnings: Incest, Drugs, Violence, (attempted) Rape. Angst.
For dexterka92, who also made the poster ♥
12. You'll be okay
Jaejoong had been wrong about Yunho and Yoochun.
Why did that make him so happy?
Was he that twisted kind of person who wants everybody to feel the same pain they do? Did he want Yoochun to be alone because of the mess his own relationship had become?
He knew that wasn’t true. He would love to see Yoochun happy.
That was the point. He wanted to see Yoochun being happy. He wanted to be next to him, not just think about him being happy next to someone else.
What was this strange possessive feeling. Why couldn’t he just accept Yoochun’s relationships with others like Yoochun accepted his?
The only reasonable explanation he could come up with was that there was something wrong in his head. Okay, so maybe he was that twisted kind of person.
Well, there was another explanation, but he was trying to avoid that one, because it was possibly even more worrying than the first.
He’d realised before that he wouldn’t really like to share his brother. And that made sense, to some extend. They were very close and if someone else got to spend a lot of time with Yoochun he might feel jealous.
He didn’t have the right to think like that of course. How much time had he spent with Seon Woong the past few weeks?
But your conscience doesn’t control your feelings, it just tells you if they’re wrong or not. And that’s what was the most worrying.
If he called this feeling jealousy, then he was feeling a strangely large amount of that, being just Yoochun’s brother, even for a twin brother. Did that mean...
He was going crazy, that was it.
Luckily - well, only for him - Junsu seemed to be an even greater mess than he was, which gave him something to do that kept his mind off things. Act strong.
Yunho had said that he needed to buy something and he’d asked Yoochun to come with him. Jaejoong would have protested, but he knew that it was just to allow Junsu to talk to him alone.
He’d seen in Yoochun’s face that he didn’t like leaving him either, and that had convinced him that this was actually a good idea. Yoochun really shouldn’t care about him so much.
Yes, he liked it. He loved it, he loved having him close. But feeling like that was so selfish, it made him feel bad. Feeling good made him feel bad.
Yunho and Yoochun had just left and Jaejoong was just thinking about how he was really losing it when Junsu jumped up from the couch.
Yunho had left him there, and Jaejoong had been sitting next to him, not too close, because he felt it might scare him, that’s how nervous the boy looked.
Jaejoong was pulled out of his thoughts by the sudden movement and he looked up, just in time to see a flash of Junsu’s watery eyes before his body bent in half in the deepest bow, more than ninety degrees, head lowered. For a moment it even looked like he was going to kneel down.
Jaejoong was too shocked to react.
“I’m sorry.”
“... Junsu?”
Junsu’s voice was shaking, Jaejoong could almost hear his tears. “I’m so sorry! ...i-it’s all my fault.”
Jaejoong looked around the lobby, but realised that he didn’t care if people were staring, he was worried about Junsu. He tried to make his voice sound as calming as possible.
“Hey.. Junsu? I’m not sure what you mean, but I know you don’t have to apologise. Come sit down again.”
Junsu’s hands started to shake too, and at his second sniff Jaejoong stood up, grabbed his shoulders as gently as possible - still startling him - and lead him to a corner that was more or less secluded. He hoped it would at least make him feel a bit more comfortable.
He gently pushed Junsu down on another couch and sat next to him. Junsu didn’t meet his eyes, head lowered.
“Should I call Yoochun? He can ask Yunho to-”
“No!” Junsu wiped one of his cheeks with the back of his hand. “No, I don’t want him to see me cry.. again.” He lowered his head even further. “He must think I’m such a baby.”
It sounded so sad that Jaejoong’s heart hurt almost as bad as when Seon Woong told him he didn’t love him.
“Oh Junsu, he doesn’t.” Jaejoong wasn’t sure where he found the strength to comfort someone else, but maybe it was good to stop being the one who needed comforting and be more like himself again.
“He likes you, I can tell.” It was true. He didn’t mention that it had made him believe Yunho was openly cheating on Yoochun. Why did he only think bad things about people anymore?
Junsu wiped his other cheek.
“And you have a good reason to cry, I.. I heard what you’ve been through.”
Junsu’s head shot up. “You know?! You know and you’re not mad at me?”
“... why would I be mad? It was S-... it was him. He did... that to me, not you.”
“But.. but, I didn’t...” Junsu whispered the last part of his sentence, Jaejoong didn’t catch it.
“You didn’t what?”
Junsu’s eyes filled with tears again and Jaejoong got the urge to wipe them away, but it felt like that was something Yunho should do.
“I didn’t warn you, a-about him. I knew, I knew you were together, because he stopped glaring at me in the hallways, and when I waited for him to leave before I went to my locker, I saw you walk together.... But I didn’t say anything, not even when I saw that you started to look like.. like I did.”
Junsu seemed to brace himself, like he expected Jaejoong to yell at him.
Jaejoong didn’t have to think long. “Junsu?”
Junsu looked up at him with big fearful eyes.
“Don’t feel bad, none of this is your fault. And I’m sure that if you'd try to tell me, I wouldn’t have believed you anyway. Thank you for thinking about it though.”
Junsu hadn’t expected that, the fear got replaced by surprise and then relief.
Jaejoong continued. “And nothing even really happened.”
Junsu’s eyes widened again. “Don’t say that it was nothing! Yunho told me... y-you could have died!”
“But I didn’t, and other than that.. yes it was scary, but... Junsu, what he did to you.. I’m so sorry.”
Junsu hadn't had a Yoochun or Yunho to save him.
Jaejoong lay one of his hand on top of Junsu’s to show that he meant it, Junsu looked like he wanted to pull back for a second, but then relaxed.
He shook his head and mumbled, maybe more to himself than to Jaejoong: “I should have told him that I wanted him to stop more clearly, I shouldn’t have let him seduce me in the first place, I should have just had the courage to confess to the person I really liked before I let him do that..”
Jaejoong squeezed Junsu’s hand. “Look at me.”
He looked into Junsu’s eyes. “It wasn’t your fault, Seon Woong went too far, he should have listened to you, blame Seon Woong.” ... blame Seon Woong? Could he do that too?
Junsu finally managed a little smile. “Yunho said that too, exactly like that.”
Jaejoong smiled back. “Was Yunho the one you wanted to confess to?”
Junsu’s nod was so small Jaejoong almost missed it. A blush made him look cute. If Jaejoong could choose to have a younger brother it would be Junsu, although they were practically the same age.
Yoochun was almost exactly the same age, but he could seem so much older.
And just like that Jaejoong was thinking about Yoochun again. He didn’t feel about Junsu like he felt about Yoochun, but not just because he didn’t know him that well yet. There was something else too. They were just.. different.
Why did he think he could see Junsu like a brother then? Did he not see Yoochun as one?
He was glad Junsu’s soft voice pulled him out of his thoughts. “He was so nice, he’s always been nice to me. He even asked me if something was wrong back then. I-I think I changed.. and I think he noticed.”
Jaejoong nodded. Junsu had actually liked Yunho for over a year. Even after what Seon Woong had done to him he still did.
How did it feel to like someone for that long? To like someone that much? Had he really loved Seon Woong? He wasn’t so sure anymore.
“Don’t tell him!” Jaejoong jumped at the sudden outburst.
“Please.” Junsu’s eyes were wide again, like he’d told Jaejoong more than he’d intended.
Jaejoong sent him a reassuring smile. “I won’t, don’t worry. But I think you should. Trust me, he likes you.”
Junsu didn’t seem to believe him, but he still asked: “Really?”
“Jaejoong?”
Yoochun’s slightly worried voice sounded through the entire lobby. Jaejoong smiled, Yoochun worried too much. Just because Jaejoong wasn’t where he’d left him didn’t mean that he was in danger.
He stood up and called Yoochun and Yunho over to their corner.
“Junsu?”
Junsu stood up when he heard Yunho say his name. Jaejoong understood why Yunho sounded alarmed, Junsu’s face still showed traces of his tears.
“Junsu.” Yunho opened his arms and waited. It didn’t take long before Junsu was pressed against his chest. Jaejoong thought that Yunho probably never touched Junsu without asking, he let him take the initiative, not wanting to scare him.
“Why were you crying?” Yunho asked softly.
Junsu pulled back, probably shy about hugging Yunho just like that. Jaejoong smiled, Junsu wasn’t confident enough to see that Yunho definitely liked him back, but he was sure they would work it out.
“I wasn’t”, Junsu said, and Jaejoong saw that Yunho only let it go because Junsu smiled at him.
“Here.” Yunho held out a small box. Junsu slowly took it, a puzzled look in his eyes.
“We bought something for Jaejoong and I thought you could use some cheering up too, I hope you like chocolate.” Yunho actually sounded a bit uncertain, like he was afraid Junsu would reject his gift.
Junsu lowered his head and Jaejoong didn’t see, but he just knew he was blushing again. “Everybody likes chocolate”, Junsu mumbled.
“Are you okay?” Jaejoong heard Yoochun ask behind him.
He turned around and smiled, Yoochun gasped and his eyes widened, Jaejoong realised that he hadn’t smiled much lately. “I am.”
Somehow talking to Junsu had made him feel a bit better, and when Yoochun answered his smile he knew he’d get over this.
“I hope I don’t get a fruit basket though, I’m not sick, I want chocolate too.”
It was a joke, but Yoochun looked really relieved as he handed him a similar box.
Jaejoong could go home that evening.
As he’d expected Yoochun didn’t stop being overprotective. He tried not to get used to it, taking Yoochun for granted would be a huge mistake, he could feel that now.
Yoochun held open doors for him and carried his bag. The bag wasn’t heavy at all, but for a moment Jaejoong thought that he saw Yoochun sway on his feet.
It wasn’t until the bright light in their room was turned on that he noticed just how pale his brother had become.
Chapter 13: You're an idiot
Chapter 11: I don't want to yell at you
Chapter 10: I don't deserve you
Chapter 9: You won't talk
Chapter 8: I have to save you
Chapter 7: I need you
Chapter 6: You know
Chapter 5: You won't tell me
Chapter 4: I don't want you to
Chapter 3: You worry me
Chapter 2: You want me to give in
Chapter 1: You forgot
Pairings: JaeChun, Jaejoong/Seon Woong (Epik High's Tablo), HoSu
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Yoochun loves Jaejoong. Jaejoong loves Seon Woong. Seon Woong is not who he pretends to be. Yoochun is Jaejoong's brother.
Warnings: Incest, Drugs, Violence, (attempted) Rape. Angst.
For dexterka92, who also made the poster ♥
12. You'll be okay
Jaejoong had been wrong about Yunho and Yoochun.
Why did that make him so happy?
Was he that twisted kind of person who wants everybody to feel the same pain they do? Did he want Yoochun to be alone because of the mess his own relationship had become?
He knew that wasn’t true. He would love to see Yoochun happy.
That was the point. He wanted to see Yoochun being happy. He wanted to be next to him, not just think about him being happy next to someone else.
What was this strange possessive feeling. Why couldn’t he just accept Yoochun’s relationships with others like Yoochun accepted his?
The only reasonable explanation he could come up with was that there was something wrong in his head. Okay, so maybe he was that twisted kind of person.
Well, there was another explanation, but he was trying to avoid that one, because it was possibly even more worrying than the first.
He’d realised before that he wouldn’t really like to share his brother. And that made sense, to some extend. They were very close and if someone else got to spend a lot of time with Yoochun he might feel jealous.
He didn’t have the right to think like that of course. How much time had he spent with Seon Woong the past few weeks?
But your conscience doesn’t control your feelings, it just tells you if they’re wrong or not. And that’s what was the most worrying.
If he called this feeling jealousy, then he was feeling a strangely large amount of that, being just Yoochun’s brother, even for a twin brother. Did that mean...
He was going crazy, that was it.
Luckily - well, only for him - Junsu seemed to be an even greater mess than he was, which gave him something to do that kept his mind off things. Act strong.
Yunho had said that he needed to buy something and he’d asked Yoochun to come with him. Jaejoong would have protested, but he knew that it was just to allow Junsu to talk to him alone.
He’d seen in Yoochun’s face that he didn’t like leaving him either, and that had convinced him that this was actually a good idea. Yoochun really shouldn’t care about him so much.
Yes, he liked it. He loved it, he loved having him close. But feeling like that was so selfish, it made him feel bad. Feeling good made him feel bad.
Yunho and Yoochun had just left and Jaejoong was just thinking about how he was really losing it when Junsu jumped up from the couch.
Yunho had left him there, and Jaejoong had been sitting next to him, not too close, because he felt it might scare him, that’s how nervous the boy looked.
Jaejoong was pulled out of his thoughts by the sudden movement and he looked up, just in time to see a flash of Junsu’s watery eyes before his body bent in half in the deepest bow, more than ninety degrees, head lowered. For a moment it even looked like he was going to kneel down.
Jaejoong was too shocked to react.
“I’m sorry.”
“... Junsu?”
Junsu’s voice was shaking, Jaejoong could almost hear his tears. “I’m so sorry! ...i-it’s all my fault.”
Jaejoong looked around the lobby, but realised that he didn’t care if people were staring, he was worried about Junsu. He tried to make his voice sound as calming as possible.
“Hey.. Junsu? I’m not sure what you mean, but I know you don’t have to apologise. Come sit down again.”
Junsu’s hands started to shake too, and at his second sniff Jaejoong stood up, grabbed his shoulders as gently as possible - still startling him - and lead him to a corner that was more or less secluded. He hoped it would at least make him feel a bit more comfortable.
He gently pushed Junsu down on another couch and sat next to him. Junsu didn’t meet his eyes, head lowered.
“Should I call Yoochun? He can ask Yunho to-”
“No!” Junsu wiped one of his cheeks with the back of his hand. “No, I don’t want him to see me cry.. again.” He lowered his head even further. “He must think I’m such a baby.”
It sounded so sad that Jaejoong’s heart hurt almost as bad as when Seon Woong told him he didn’t love him.
“Oh Junsu, he doesn’t.” Jaejoong wasn’t sure where he found the strength to comfort someone else, but maybe it was good to stop being the one who needed comforting and be more like himself again.
“He likes you, I can tell.” It was true. He didn’t mention that it had made him believe Yunho was openly cheating on Yoochun. Why did he only think bad things about people anymore?
Junsu wiped his other cheek.
“And you have a good reason to cry, I.. I heard what you’ve been through.”
Junsu’s head shot up. “You know?! You know and you’re not mad at me?”
“... why would I be mad? It was S-... it was him. He did... that to me, not you.”
“But.. but, I didn’t...” Junsu whispered the last part of his sentence, Jaejoong didn’t catch it.
“You didn’t what?”
Junsu’s eyes filled with tears again and Jaejoong got the urge to wipe them away, but it felt like that was something Yunho should do.
“I didn’t warn you, a-about him. I knew, I knew you were together, because he stopped glaring at me in the hallways, and when I waited for him to leave before I went to my locker, I saw you walk together.... But I didn’t say anything, not even when I saw that you started to look like.. like I did.”
Junsu seemed to brace himself, like he expected Jaejoong to yell at him.
Jaejoong didn’t have to think long. “Junsu?”
Junsu looked up at him with big fearful eyes.
“Don’t feel bad, none of this is your fault. And I’m sure that if you'd try to tell me, I wouldn’t have believed you anyway. Thank you for thinking about it though.”
Junsu hadn’t expected that, the fear got replaced by surprise and then relief.
Jaejoong continued. “And nothing even really happened.”
Junsu’s eyes widened again. “Don’t say that it was nothing! Yunho told me... y-you could have died!”
“But I didn’t, and other than that.. yes it was scary, but... Junsu, what he did to you.. I’m so sorry.”
Junsu hadn't had a Yoochun or Yunho to save him.
Jaejoong lay one of his hand on top of Junsu’s to show that he meant it, Junsu looked like he wanted to pull back for a second, but then relaxed.
He shook his head and mumbled, maybe more to himself than to Jaejoong: “I should have told him that I wanted him to stop more clearly, I shouldn’t have let him seduce me in the first place, I should have just had the courage to confess to the person I really liked before I let him do that..”
Jaejoong squeezed Junsu’s hand. “Look at me.”
He looked into Junsu’s eyes. “It wasn’t your fault, Seon Woong went too far, he should have listened to you, blame Seon Woong.” ... blame Seon Woong? Could he do that too?
Junsu finally managed a little smile. “Yunho said that too, exactly like that.”
Jaejoong smiled back. “Was Yunho the one you wanted to confess to?”
Junsu’s nod was so small Jaejoong almost missed it. A blush made him look cute. If Jaejoong could choose to have a younger brother it would be Junsu, although they were practically the same age.
Yoochun was almost exactly the same age, but he could seem so much older.
And just like that Jaejoong was thinking about Yoochun again. He didn’t feel about Junsu like he felt about Yoochun, but not just because he didn’t know him that well yet. There was something else too. They were just.. different.
Why did he think he could see Junsu like a brother then? Did he not see Yoochun as one?
He was glad Junsu’s soft voice pulled him out of his thoughts. “He was so nice, he’s always been nice to me. He even asked me if something was wrong back then. I-I think I changed.. and I think he noticed.”
Jaejoong nodded. Junsu had actually liked Yunho for over a year. Even after what Seon Woong had done to him he still did.
How did it feel to like someone for that long? To like someone that much? Had he really loved Seon Woong? He wasn’t so sure anymore.
“Don’t tell him!” Jaejoong jumped at the sudden outburst.
“Please.” Junsu’s eyes were wide again, like he’d told Jaejoong more than he’d intended.
Jaejoong sent him a reassuring smile. “I won’t, don’t worry. But I think you should. Trust me, he likes you.”
Junsu didn’t seem to believe him, but he still asked: “Really?”
“Jaejoong?”
Yoochun’s slightly worried voice sounded through the entire lobby. Jaejoong smiled, Yoochun worried too much. Just because Jaejoong wasn’t where he’d left him didn’t mean that he was in danger.
He stood up and called Yoochun and Yunho over to their corner.
“Junsu?”
Junsu stood up when he heard Yunho say his name. Jaejoong understood why Yunho sounded alarmed, Junsu’s face still showed traces of his tears.
“Junsu.” Yunho opened his arms and waited. It didn’t take long before Junsu was pressed against his chest. Jaejoong thought that Yunho probably never touched Junsu without asking, he let him take the initiative, not wanting to scare him.
“Why were you crying?” Yunho asked softly.
Junsu pulled back, probably shy about hugging Yunho just like that. Jaejoong smiled, Junsu wasn’t confident enough to see that Yunho definitely liked him back, but he was sure they would work it out.
“I wasn’t”, Junsu said, and Jaejoong saw that Yunho only let it go because Junsu smiled at him.
“Here.” Yunho held out a small box. Junsu slowly took it, a puzzled look in his eyes.
“We bought something for Jaejoong and I thought you could use some cheering up too, I hope you like chocolate.” Yunho actually sounded a bit uncertain, like he was afraid Junsu would reject his gift.
Junsu lowered his head and Jaejoong didn’t see, but he just knew he was blushing again. “Everybody likes chocolate”, Junsu mumbled.
“Are you okay?” Jaejoong heard Yoochun ask behind him.
He turned around and smiled, Yoochun gasped and his eyes widened, Jaejoong realised that he hadn’t smiled much lately. “I am.”
Somehow talking to Junsu had made him feel a bit better, and when Yoochun answered his smile he knew he’d get over this.
“I hope I don’t get a fruit basket though, I’m not sick, I want chocolate too.”
It was a joke, but Yoochun looked really relieved as he handed him a similar box.
Jaejoong could go home that evening.
As he’d expected Yoochun didn’t stop being overprotective. He tried not to get used to it, taking Yoochun for granted would be a huge mistake, he could feel that now.
Yoochun held open doors for him and carried his bag. The bag wasn’t heavy at all, but for a moment Jaejoong thought that he saw Yoochun sway on his feet.
It wasn’t until the bright light in their room was turned on that he noticed just how pale his brother had become.
Chapter 13: You're an idiot
Chapter 11: I don't want to yell at you
Chapter 10: I don't deserve you
Chapter 9: You won't talk
Chapter 8: I have to save you
Chapter 7: I need you
Chapter 6: You know
Chapter 5: You won't tell me
Chapter 4: I don't want you to
Chapter 3: You worry me
Chapter 2: You want me to give in
Chapter 1: You forgot