(no subject)
so this weekend i studied for twenty hours and eleven minutes. yes u heard right. TWENTY hours. dedicated or what? i enjoyed it tho. i like studying. im a nerd so sue me. but not a geek cuz nerds r hot and geeks r not. i digress. the point is, i actually threw myself into my studies to keep myself distracted from the gut from hell/pit of doom in my heart but ironically, intense studying forced me to focus on my said feelings. and i realized that this is one time where i should say (by suggestion of ben bertin) "fuck this shit." and so, i locked all the bad karma in a box and flung it out the window where it crashed to its fatal fate.
and now...i feel slightly empty -hollow even- but the depression won't kill me nemore. i've learned by now that the best thing to do with emotions is keep them enclosed in the tightest corner of the heart and ignore them. i think that one day i'll grow up and discover i have "hwa byung" (translation: "hwa" for fire/anger, "byung" for disease = anger disease) caused in people who keep their feelings to themselves. i'm sry i couldnt tell ne of u what was wrong. to be honest...no i won't be honest. i just couldnt tell u. *shrug* i have a hard time with my emotions. crying is fine, even anger or frustration, but the deeper feelings like sadness and hurt and heartache, well those r feelings only i can see. so, sry.
newayz, so im now happy. somewhat. sort of. forcefully. haha. better than nothing right? i woke up this morning so refreshed even tho i only got five hours of sleep. i put on an awesome outfit consisting of my two favorite colors (hint: i looked like a watermelon) and i think i actually might have aced my physics test- *KNOCK ON WOOD*. Mme gave me back my french poem saying it was "excellent" and i definitely am noticing some ppl who i never would have before and am becoming good friends with ppl i never would have before. and my feelings r gone. so i guess life's pretty good???
even so...eh *shrug*...something's lacking.
"sexay seventeen and never been kissed" sad isnt it? haha. *wink*