I'm not really that happy
I don't know what it is. Maybe it's being home. I'm not often happy at home. I had a GREAT week with Kim, but something feels off. Something feels a little lonely; A little empty.
Maybe it is being home.
I don't have friends here. I have to mission to Toronto to see Caroline. I gotta wake up at 5-something to be at the train station for 6-something and in Toronto around 7-something. Then spend a few hours waking up in some cafe before Caroline comes to pick me up because for fuck's sake, I'm not making her wake up at 7AM because I had to hitch a ride with Neal on his way to work. Also, my dad is not all that nice. He loves to yell at me for stupid shit, so I feel like I'm always "putting up" with things.
Maybe it's my lack of enthusiasm for English.
I have 3 more semesters before I graduate and my heart isn't quite into it anymore. It makes me feel a little empty, knowing that the one thing I am supposedly good at, I am floundering in.
Maybe it's being poor.
I haven't had such little money in my bank account, ever. It stresses me out a lot, thinking about the $20,000 I need to pay back after I graduate. Plus paying for grad school, making money to move to Vancouver, meanwhile having to live at home with my overbearing dad and no friends to balance.
I know it's not Courtney.
I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. As bad as that sounds, I really don't need someone like her in my life to make me feel like shit whenever she doesn't get her way. I'm not a punching bag. Nobody has the right to talk to me the way she did, so as far as I'm concerned she can go fuck herself because she was more of a bully than a friend and the fact that she doesn't acknowledge that I always bend over backwards to make her happy infuriates me.
I know it's not being alone.
I'm optimistic. There isn't even a question about Nik anymore, I'm just chilling out and letting a friendship develop on its own. I'm incredibly happy that we can text back and forth random nonsense. But I can't force things. I'm actually rather good with being alone right now. I can keep my head clear. Focus on school because that needs to be focused on. Focus on what I want to do with my life, and my financial situation. Dating is expensive sometimes.
I wish I brought my paper journal. I feel like I need to do some written reflection.
Who are my friends?
What's my relationship to my family?
Where do I see myself in x-years and how do I get there?
Maybe I'll be happier once school starts. Maybe it's just the post-holidays downs. I never got that before, but first time for everything. Whatever it is, I'll see how it changes. I see Caroline on Wednesday which will be fun. It will be me having some semblance of a life.
Maybe it is being home.
I don't have friends here. I have to mission to Toronto to see Caroline. I gotta wake up at 5-something to be at the train station for 6-something and in Toronto around 7-something. Then spend a few hours waking up in some cafe before Caroline comes to pick me up because for fuck's sake, I'm not making her wake up at 7AM because I had to hitch a ride with Neal on his way to work. Also, my dad is not all that nice. He loves to yell at me for stupid shit, so I feel like I'm always "putting up" with things.
Maybe it's my lack of enthusiasm for English.
I have 3 more semesters before I graduate and my heart isn't quite into it anymore. It makes me feel a little empty, knowing that the one thing I am supposedly good at, I am floundering in.
Maybe it's being poor.
I haven't had such little money in my bank account, ever. It stresses me out a lot, thinking about the $20,000 I need to pay back after I graduate. Plus paying for grad school, making money to move to Vancouver, meanwhile having to live at home with my overbearing dad and no friends to balance.
I know it's not Courtney.
I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. As bad as that sounds, I really don't need someone like her in my life to make me feel like shit whenever she doesn't get her way. I'm not a punching bag. Nobody has the right to talk to me the way she did, so as far as I'm concerned she can go fuck herself because she was more of a bully than a friend and the fact that she doesn't acknowledge that I always bend over backwards to make her happy infuriates me.
I know it's not being alone.
I'm optimistic. There isn't even a question about Nik anymore, I'm just chilling out and letting a friendship develop on its own. I'm incredibly happy that we can text back and forth random nonsense. But I can't force things. I'm actually rather good with being alone right now. I can keep my head clear. Focus on school because that needs to be focused on. Focus on what I want to do with my life, and my financial situation. Dating is expensive sometimes.
I wish I brought my paper journal. I feel like I need to do some written reflection.
Who are my friends?
What's my relationship to my family?
Where do I see myself in x-years and how do I get there?
Maybe I'll be happier once school starts. Maybe it's just the post-holidays downs. I never got that before, but first time for everything. Whatever it is, I'll see how it changes. I see Caroline on Wednesday which will be fun. It will be me having some semblance of a life.