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Dear Journal,
So sitting in my first NY apartment. Stressing about 18931273832179 things at once and reallyyy need to finish unpacking lol. Can't stop thinking about one thing in particular...the fact I really haven't lived. ....omg how the fuck did i get distracted by tumblr for almost an hour in the middle of typing that X_x Anyways back to the topic. I have done nothing in my life so far. As 'outgoing' and 'rebellious' as I've been conceived as, I really haven't lived. I still kept with in certain boundaries, worked 24/7, and just lived day-to-day. A few people find what I've done with coming to NY as 'incredibly courageous' but I don't feel like I've done anything at all. I feel like I've just begun to step into my life. There's been some crazy shit going on along the way but I'm still back to what I was doing before...workworkwork. Just to survive. I don't want to only 'survive', I want to LIVE. I still have anxiety with going out....not that it matters because i'm always at work X_x I don't know. Its like, I don't have a social life. Even back home majority of the people I called close turned their backs on me in the end. Same as up here. I can't seem to find someone I'd want to keep in my life...I guess watching my two best friends find men that really make them happy and seem like they will always stick with is making me feel left out. I never really experienced the whole teen-age-dating thing. As an adult I've only either been in a serious relationship, 'cut-friends', and chasing type situations. I only have one life to live, more than 1/4 of it down already and I feel like I've done nothing. ugh Its putting me in a bad place. =[ I need to promise myself to be more devoted to my dream. To accomplish it. If I am missing out on memories of love and fun times then I damn sure need to get my ass working on making memories of completing my dreams!!!
So sitting in my first NY apartment. Stressing about 18931273832179 things at once and reallyyy need to finish unpacking lol. Can't stop thinking about one thing in particular...the fact I really haven't lived. ....omg how the fuck did i get distracted by tumblr for almost an hour in the middle of typing that X_x Anyways back to the topic. I have done nothing in my life so far. As 'outgoing' and 'rebellious' as I've been conceived as, I really haven't lived. I still kept with in certain boundaries, worked 24/7, and just lived day-to-day. A few people find what I've done with coming to NY as 'incredibly courageous' but I don't feel like I've done anything at all. I feel like I've just begun to step into my life. There's been some crazy shit going on along the way but I'm still back to what I was doing before...workworkwork. Just to survive. I don't want to only 'survive', I want to LIVE. I still have anxiety with going out....not that it matters because i'm always at work X_x I don't know. Its like, I don't have a social life. Even back home majority of the people I called close turned their backs on me in the end. Same as up here. I can't seem to find someone I'd want to keep in my life...I guess watching my two best friends find men that really make them happy and seem like they will always stick with is making me feel left out. I never really experienced the whole teen-age-dating thing. As an adult I've only either been in a serious relationship, 'cut-friends', and chasing type situations. I only have one life to live, more than 1/4 of it down already and I feel like I've done nothing. ugh Its putting me in a bad place. =[ I need to promise myself to be more devoted to my dream. To accomplish it. If I am missing out on memories of love and fun times then I damn sure need to get my ass working on making memories of completing my dreams!!!