::realization::
Dear Journal,
I'm actually in a damn good mood today besides being tired.
but i was thinking about how i am as a person, my flaws and what i feel confident in.
i'm such an awkard person aahah theres no real other way for me to explain it.
the one thing i wanted to say was, that i want to fight all of my own battles. i don't want anyone to take a punch for me. at least with physial battles, not that i'm saying i want people to be hurt emotionally for me but what i mean is...i am weak emotionally. i need people to lean on when i'm having to fight a battle with any of my emotions. i'd honestly rather people punch me than make fun of me. it'd hurt less, be easier to recover from, and i would know how to react. i wonder if that makes me sound like a cave man ahahhaha.
I feel bad, I'm begining to give up on being pacifistic. I'd like to be a proper cute lady. one you don't see fighting....which that part everyone already has down. no one thinks i can fight. exept ty. he knows becuase he's who i used to hurt the most. which made me become a pacifist. although nowadays i don't feel the need to continue regreting. I feel greater the need to never hold back. which has become so hard for me. I've become so timid, so with drawn, so quiet, so obidient.
I'm deffinitally not in the direction of the person i'd like to be. although that is also somthing i have mixed feelings on. I half way want to be a badass woman. someone who takes no shit. the other half of me wants to be seen as someone gentle and kind and ladylike. gah guys can get that down pat so easily why is it so hard for me to mix the 2.
I'd like to start going to the gym only to use the punching bag. but i feel so awkard training infront of people. i certianly dont seem lady like. and last time i was in school and a guy found out i was in martial arts, i was picked at constantly with brucelee sound effects but if i gave them a mean look and said to stop they would, instantly. I don't want guys to have an ego hurt that i could win in a fight with them. not that any of them believe i could win. i dunno i'm rambling. ahahah i want those who don't know me to find me a perfect lady, those who try to hurt me to find that i'm a woman who takes no shit, and those who i'm close to to respect me and what i can do and what i need their help with.
that is all i think. i' ve got to get ready for work.
Jessie~<3
oi and Jojo! 'go dogsssssss'*insert one man tribal dance in a circle* ahahha anan and i were talking about it the other day. we miss you. this fridays my birthday. =] maybe we could all hang out.
I'm actually in a damn good mood today besides being tired.
but i was thinking about how i am as a person, my flaws and what i feel confident in.
i'm such an awkard person aahah theres no real other way for me to explain it.
the one thing i wanted to say was, that i want to fight all of my own battles. i don't want anyone to take a punch for me. at least with physial battles, not that i'm saying i want people to be hurt emotionally for me but what i mean is...i am weak emotionally. i need people to lean on when i'm having to fight a battle with any of my emotions. i'd honestly rather people punch me than make fun of me. it'd hurt less, be easier to recover from, and i would know how to react. i wonder if that makes me sound like a cave man ahahhaha.
I feel bad, I'm begining to give up on being pacifistic. I'd like to be a proper cute lady. one you don't see fighting....which that part everyone already has down. no one thinks i can fight. exept ty. he knows becuase he's who i used to hurt the most. which made me become a pacifist. although nowadays i don't feel the need to continue regreting. I feel greater the need to never hold back. which has become so hard for me. I've become so timid, so with drawn, so quiet, so obidient.
I'm deffinitally not in the direction of the person i'd like to be. although that is also somthing i have mixed feelings on. I half way want to be a badass woman. someone who takes no shit. the other half of me wants to be seen as someone gentle and kind and ladylike. gah guys can get that down pat so easily why is it so hard for me to mix the 2.
I'd like to start going to the gym only to use the punching bag. but i feel so awkard training infront of people. i certianly dont seem lady like. and last time i was in school and a guy found out i was in martial arts, i was picked at constantly with brucelee sound effects but if i gave them a mean look and said to stop they would, instantly. I don't want guys to have an ego hurt that i could win in a fight with them. not that any of them believe i could win. i dunno i'm rambling. ahahah i want those who don't know me to find me a perfect lady, those who try to hurt me to find that i'm a woman who takes no shit, and those who i'm close to to respect me and what i can do and what i need their help with.
that is all i think. i' ve got to get ready for work.
Jessie~<3
oi and Jojo! 'go dogsssssss'*insert one man tribal dance in a circle* ahahha anan and i were talking about it the other day. we miss you. this fridays my birthday. =] maybe we could all hang out.