I just got back from the hospital!Please dont ask how im doing.Please dont even so much as fucking CARE how IM doing.Because at this point..I could really give a shit less
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.....Im sorry!But...its what he wants.He dont want me around, he dont want to constantly be reminded of the child I wasnt even good enough to save.Everytime he see's me it will be a constant reminder of me being here and she's not.He is so full of resent for me im sure.So...least I can do, because I couldnt save his little girl, my very own neice.Is not ever go around him again.That's probably the best thing I can do for him.*sobs even harder,his face all swollen from crying and his eyes red and getting no sleep*
I fear of falling asleep, because when I start to.I have a horrible dream, I see Taylor,holding Juliet and telling me I took her away from him and that it was all my fault, I took the one thing he needed...away!!!I feel so horrible.I mean...Nikki...maybe he's right?Maybe it was all just words?Maybe...maybe if i'd scheduled myself in to get tested sooner..then...then she'd have had a match sooner and everything would have worked???Instead I was too wrapped up in my own child and my wife.
I feel...I feel horrible.My kid is going to live and his died.I feel bad.
She's gone because of me!!!Its my fault.What sort of Uncle am I?I couldnt even save her.I...I killed her.Its my fault.Her precious life slipped away beyond reach...because of me.
...Its my fault Nikki.Its all my fault.I'd watch your kids but they'd probably die too because of me.And I can't stand to lose anymore children.No more children being lost.Im afraid to go near my own kids now.
I'm losing everything.Not nearly as much as my brother has lost, but ...its all...whats happening?
What are we going to do?I dont know what to do.
I dont know whats going on with the funeral?Its so hard to talk about it..*Shutters*..Tay isnt barely moving, or even talking.I think Natalie and I are going to have to get it together and do it.It's going to be $6,000.YOU CANT PUT A PRICE ON SOMEONES DEATH.HOW CAN THEY DO THAT?PUT A PRICE ON HER???DAMN IT!!THey are so inconsiderate.Go to your kids NIkki, hold them, be with them..be with yours and Tays boys.Dont ever let them go....dont ever let them go.
Zac he REALLY shouldn't be alone. im worried. i still havent been able to get through to him and i dont think he'd even wanna talk or see me either so i dont know what to do. ZAC! its not your fault she died. ITS NOT. she just couldn't hold on any longer. it was no ones fault. Zac nothing you do will make this better so dont talk liek that. shes gone and theres nothing anyone can do it about it. he might be for a little while but Zac it really wasn't your fault. you need to stop beating yourself up over this because its not good. Zac you cant just stop going around him. you cant that wouldn't be good for either of you. i know your sad and you think its your fault right now but its not. truely. god has a special place for children. Zac... that dream is horrible but you gotta start to get some sleep. its not all your fault and you didnt take her away from him. you didnt take her away. you need to know that. Zac it wasnt all just words. you loved that little girl. i know you did. i mean you might have been caught up in your own life but taylor cant blame you for that. well. Ike didnt even go see if he was a match so your not the only one. dont beat yourself up overthis. it wont make it better. He might have lost one kid but he still has 2. i sometimes think he doesnt love the twins like he does Juliet. it saddens me. and he can have more kids. no no one can ever replace her but he still can have kids. and be happy. Shes not gone because of her. you didnt kill her. you didnt give her the cancer. you didnt decide it was time for her to go. YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO HARM HER! it was just her time to go. Your a wonderful uncle Zac. she didnt die because of you. Zac you wouldn't let the twins die. Your not going to lose anymore children none of us are. we've lost so many kids. its so sad. *sigh* dont be afraid to go near your own kids now. thats not fair to them your not going to kill them and their not going to die. and you didnt kill Juliet. I'm losing everything too. Dont worry. i think im losing my fiancee. and then my best friend wont even talk to me anymore. all i have anymore are my boys. they are what keeps me going now. i dont know what i'd do without them. i wonder if thats how Tay feels. god. i think something bad is happening with me. *sigh* just want i need more confusion. Zac i dont know what we're going to do but we have to do something. we cant just let him end himself or just neglect himself which you know hes doing or hes going to do. i think hes going to do something very stupid and we really need to help him ZAc. I know its hard to talk about but if you dont wanna do it i can do it. you and nat dont have to go through that i can do it. You all have other stuff to do. it is hard to talk about but it has to be done. you can't. god. that just sounds so heartless and rude. they are. fuck them. i went to my kids and as i looked at them i bawled. i looked at them and they look so much like Tay it was scary and now im so worried for him its all getting to be to much. i feel like i'm falling. god. you be well to Zac and take care and stop blaming yourself. it wasn't your fault. and dont let anyone tell you different.
Im worried to.Lord only knows im worried for my brother.But someone else should be with him...not me.I dont deserve his good company, I no longer no what it takes to get his heart back to whole or if that is even a possibility at this point.That is why im doing this.I love my brother and that's why, why I dont want to be a constant reminder of what he lost.And I could have saved her,I should have saved her!If i'd only gotten there sooner.You cant say she'd still be gone..she wouldnt have had to hold out any longer,because her body would have had what it needed.I have no doubt she's with god,but I cant say its a better place.Taylor needed her and deserved her more,she was a special little girl but still it was selfish to take her away from him..damn it.Try explaining it to him that she's in a "better" place.There is no "better" place when your a grieving parent..when you OUT LIVE your very own child,there is no "better place" when you just want to hold them in your arms..to see them experience everything..because to you...the ONLY better place...is in your arms,as their parent,the one that loves them more then anything.And that's how Taylor is feeling..im sure.
Of course I loved..I mean love..her.There was never any denying that.The whole way she was concieved..I may have never understood,but you know what?That's not what was important.I look past that..I fell in love with that little bundle of joy and the situation she came out of.She was..I mean..is..beautiful beyond belief.
I love the twins.I love my nephews.And that's why im staying away from them too.I miss my children,so bad.And more then anything..I want to hold my baby girl.But last time I held my child,it died,her little twin brother died..he was in my arms.And mine and marions kid died,mine and Nat's first unborn child,so did Maddy,so did mine and Kate's unborn son and Ezra,and Berlin.Its so tough,telling myself and everyone else, they are in a "better" place.It dont seem right more of our children died then the ones we actually have to show for.Just cherish it Nikki,cherish your sons..like no other.
I wish everyone would stop saying we have OTHER things to do.Yes we are having a baby...but that dont make us helpless...that dont make us care any less about everyone elses problems.That dont make us both fragile.Maybe her because she's with child, but most CERTAINLY not me.If I stress, there isnt a chance of ME losing the baby because im not the one carrying it.Juliet will be taken care of, Juliet will be given the proper buriel as the priceless girl that she is in all of our hearts.Please Nikki...please,take care of yourself.Please..even if you feel your sons are losing Tay..that's all the more reason for you to take care of urself..they need their mother all the more.
i know your worried too. I dont think he wants anyone with him but i think hes going to need someone soon and i really dont think he'll reach out to anyone. and thats what scares me. Zac you really need to stop with the put downs. it wasnt your fault and its not like your not worthy to be around tay anymore. i mean maybe for a few days or weeks but not forever. your not going to be able to avoid him forever. i mean what about the kids birthdays and all that? we're together then so your going to have to be around him sometime. Zac his heart is probably broken right now but that doesn't mean it can't be put back together again. It can be by the right person. any broken heart can be put back together again. Zac i dont think you'd be a constant reminder of what he lost. Zac you really need to stop. i mean you could have gotten there sooner but you didnt so theres no use beating yourself up about it because its not going to help anything if you do that. I know theres no better place. i know if i was grieving for my kid i'd think theres no better place but there with me too but as time goes on it sinks in ya no? i mean your never going to be okay with it. I know he needed her and deserved her but maybe theres a reason all this is happening because remember everything happens for a reason. It was selfish to take her away from Tay... because she was his stone. he loves her and she was his brick. I know it was stupid of me to say shes in a better place. im sorry. im sure its how he's feeling too.
i need to stop putting it in the past tense just because shes dead it's very rude of me because we all still love her even if she is dead. i know what you mean about the way she was concieved. just because she was concieved like that doesnt mean she doesn't deserve all the love we can give her. no one understands it that was between him and ave. ya no? it was thier thing. We all looked past that and loved her very much. She is beautiful like an angel.
I know you love them. Zac if you love them you won't stay away from them. i mean if you stay away from them and they lose tay too then they only have Ike... because well... no one else would be here. you cant just drop out of their lives like that its really fucked up. You love them well you can come and see them and prove your love and not stay away like that. Zac. go see your kids or have Kate bring them to you or whatever but you need to go see them. can you imagine how they feel? GO SEE YOUR KIDS! How would you feel if one of them died and you hadn't seen them in forever. you tell me to cherish mine? well cherish yours too. just because kate has them doesnt mean you cant see them and dont do it because of what happen with Juliet go see your kids Zac it might help you feel better. Well we have lost way more than we've gained but just think of the kids we're bound to have in the future because i know you plan on having more kids with Nat and i know tay if we get him back will probably have more kids. and me and ike are having kids of our own someday so theres going to be way more kids being born into our clan so dont worry about it hun. i mean we've lost but theres plenty more to gain ya no? and Ezra wasn't your fault. I do cherish them like no other. i mean sometimes i'll just look down atthem while their sleeping or playing or just laughing and i start crying because i still can't believe i have these 2 and how happy they make me. i love those little boys more than anything or anyone. i mean they wasn't concieved in the best situation either but it was beautiful how they was. that night was wonderful.
I know but you do have other things to do. Get ready for the baby buy stuff ya no? i know that doesnt make ya'll helpless and i know it doesnt make you careless about everyone else. Well it makes her but not you. If you stress then shes gunna be kind of stressed to because of you andthat isn't good on her ya no? i know your not the one carrying it. I know she'll be taken care of. Iam taking care of myself. im just stressed but then what else is new with that? when in the last 6-8 months havent i been stressed? i mean the headaches are back but i'm dealing with them. I know they need me i'm not harming myself in any way. im just stressed and......confused.......
I am worried.Very worried.I love my brother.He's the closest thing I got since my mom died.You know?Me and him have always been the closest..well..up until now.You know?I love him, and he reminds me so much of mom...especially in his eyes.And now...now I dont feel I have that so much anymore.I know what he needs and what he wants are 2 different things.When you are grieving, you iscolate urself...you lose all motivation.I wish that he'd just reach out you know?Even if he dont reach out, we still all are here, ready to be here for him.To offer him all that we've got.Even if it isnt all that much and it never can be his little girl that he lost.Im sorry to everyone for putting myself down.I just loved that little girl so much.You know?And im not sure everyone knew just HOW much.But that's no matter.I mean, its worse for Tay anyways...whatever Im feeling is 10 x's worse.I know his heart is broken...I know he's lost.I just want him to come back home, come back to those who love him..to remember that we love him.I love him so very much with all of my heart.He's my big brother.My awesome big brother.I just want him to be at peace.I want my brother to be at peace like he deserves to be...and like he so badly needs to be.Im afraid he's given up and that he's going to kill himself to be with her,because if he cant be with her here, maybe it will be there?I just...we need him here and I know that Juliet would want him to live his life like she wasnt able to .You know?I know it may sound selfish but I need him,you need him,Ike needs him,my kids need him,Natalie needs him,Kate needs him, his sons need him and this new baby...this new baby on the way...he needs them.It's not stupid of you.Your just trying to remain positive, which...I'd normally be doing too but im sort of taken under by this too.Sorry your feeling so much pressure though to be the stone for all of us. It's not rude.Perhaps im just in denial?Perhaps most every one of us is in denial?I dont know.Your not being rude.Its hard not to put it in past tense.I just dont want to accept she's gone and that any of us failed her.I know she dont think of any of us as a failure though.God, she must be the most beautiful angel.Her little halo.Her feathery soft wings and her rosey red cheeks on her pale ash skin.Her little tiny hands so brilliant.Im glad you understand what I mean.Its hard to believe anyone understands..but I know that you do.Because that's just the way you are..your a very understanding person.She is wonderful...beautiful and sweet little juliet. \
(continued from above)doinitwitrythemApril 7 2006, 04:25:21 UTC
Yeah.I know.Im sorry.I've been so...so selfish.To everyone and im sorry.I thought I was doing this all for the greater good, but for who...me?Or all of them?I'd lay my life down for each and every one of you.And you know that hopefully?I'm going to talk to Kate and go see the kids as soon as I can.I miss them.I've been away for far too long.I miss my youngest little girl, its just hard because with losing juliet and everything..it reminds me of how I almost lost her...how she almost wasnt, and then it reminds me of her brother and maddy.I feel terrible.But they need me, your right, you really are.Thank you.Thank you for making me realise this.Thank god for you Nikki.I appreciate it.So much.Seriously!I do.I dont know what i'd do without you right now.I know you say there are going to be way more kids born into our clan, but how many more do we have to lose?That's what im afraid of.How many more will even get the chance to take more then their first breath?How many more will live past their first couple of years and grow up to see a family of their own?THAT'S what im afraid of and that is the question I ask.Im just so happy you have your kids at time of need like this.Juliets death has affected all of our lives.I just feel bad because we have our own kids, and our lovers..while he has nobody.=0(.Its all so sad really.But you deserve those children Nikki, and to think you were worried about not being a good enough mother.Those kids are incredible.Really..they are. Yeah.I know.SHIT...I didnt think of how badly Natalie must be feeling right now?SHIT.Wow, how could I be so selfish.And the baby.THE BABY?How's the baby.Oh fuck.Wow, I really need a reality check like major right now.Fuck.Oh geez.This is crazy.I have to make this up to everyone.Really I do.Yeah.I just got to be strong, for both of us...for all 3 of us.Yeah...strong.*takes a deep breath in a breathes out*Im just sorry you have been so stressed Nikki.I'd like to take all the weight off of your shoulders.Really lol and then tell Ike to give them a good massage.Yepperdoodles.Lol.But anyways..Nikki..thanks...for like...Everything.Im here if you need me...okay?Im here.
.....Im sorry!But...its what he wants.He dont want me around, he dont want to constantly be reminded of the child I wasnt even good enough to save.Everytime he see's me it will be a constant reminder of me being here and she's not.He is so full of resent for me im sure.So...least I can do, because I couldnt save his little girl, my very own neice.Is not ever go around him again.That's probably the best thing I can do for him.*sobs even harder,his face all swollen from crying and his eyes red and getting no sleep*
I fear of falling asleep, because when I start to.I have a horrible dream, I see Taylor,holding Juliet and telling me I took her away from him and that it was all my fault, I took the one thing he needed...away!!!I feel so horrible.I mean...Nikki...maybe he's right?Maybe it was all just words?Maybe...maybe if i'd scheduled myself in to get tested sooner..then...then she'd have had a match sooner and everything would have worked???Instead I was too wrapped up in my own child and my wife.
I feel...I feel horrible.My kid is going to live and his died.I feel bad.
She's gone because of me!!!Its my fault.What sort of Uncle am I?I couldnt even save her.I...I killed her.Its my fault.Her precious life slipped away beyond reach...because of me.
...Its my fault Nikki.Its all my fault.I'd watch your kids but they'd probably die too because of me.And I can't stand to lose anymore children.No more children being lost.Im afraid to go near my own kids now.
I'm losing everything.Not nearly as much as my brother has lost, but ...its all...whats happening?
What are we going to do?I dont know what to do.
I dont know whats going on with the funeral?Its so hard to talk about it..*Shutters*..Tay isnt barely moving, or even talking.I think Natalie and I are going to have to get it together and do it.It's going to be $6,000.YOU CANT PUT A PRICE ON SOMEONES DEATH.HOW CAN THEY DO THAT?PUT A PRICE ON HER???DAMN IT!!THey are so inconsiderate.Go to your kids NIkki, hold them, be with them..be with yours and Tays boys.Dont ever let them go....dont ever let them go.
be well.Thank you.Take care.
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Zac... that dream is horrible but you gotta start to get some sleep. its not all your fault and you didnt take her away from him. you didnt take her away. you need to know that. Zac it wasnt all just words. you loved that little girl. i know you did. i mean you might have been caught up in your own life but taylor cant blame you for that. well. Ike didnt even go see if he was a match so your not the only one. dont beat yourself up overthis. it wont make it better.
He might have lost one kid but he still has 2. i sometimes think he doesnt love the twins like he does Juliet. it saddens me. and he can have more kids. no no one can ever replace her but he still can have kids. and be happy. Shes not gone because of her. you didnt kill her. you didnt give her the cancer. you didnt decide it was time for her to go. YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO HARM HER! it was just her time to go. Your a wonderful uncle Zac. she didnt die because of you.
Zac you wouldn't let the twins die. Your not going to lose anymore children none of us are. we've lost so many kids. its so sad. *sigh* dont be afraid to go near your own kids now. thats not fair to them your not going to kill them and their not going to die. and you didnt kill Juliet.
I'm losing everything too. Dont worry. i think im losing my fiancee. and then my best friend wont even talk to me anymore. all i have anymore are my boys. they are what keeps me going now. i dont know what i'd do without them. i wonder if thats how Tay feels. god. i think something bad is happening with me. *sigh* just want i need more confusion.
Zac i dont know what we're going to do but we have to do something. we cant just let him end himself or just neglect himself which you know hes doing or hes going to do. i think hes going to do something very stupid and we really need to help him ZAc.
I know its hard to talk about but if you dont wanna do it i can do it. you and nat dont have to go through that i can do it. You all have other stuff to do. it is hard to talk about but it has to be done. you can't. god. that just sounds so heartless and rude. they are. fuck them. i went to my kids and as i looked at them i bawled. i looked at them and they look so much like Tay it was scary and now im so worried for him its all getting to be to much. i feel like i'm falling. god. you be well to Zac and take care and stop blaming yourself. it wasn't your fault. and dont let anyone tell you different.
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Of course I loved..I mean love..her.There was never any denying that.The whole way she was concieved..I may have never understood,but you know what?That's not what was important.I look past that..I fell in love with that little bundle of joy and the situation she came out of.She was..I mean..is..beautiful beyond belief.
I love the twins.I love my nephews.And that's why im staying away from them too.I miss my children,so bad.And more then anything..I want to hold my baby girl.But last time I held my child,it died,her little twin brother died..he was in my arms.And mine and marions kid died,mine and Nat's first unborn child,so did Maddy,so did mine and Kate's unborn son and Ezra,and Berlin.Its so tough,telling myself and everyone else, they are in a "better" place.It dont seem right more of our children died then the ones we actually have to show for.Just cherish it Nikki,cherish your sons..like no other.
I wish everyone would stop saying we have OTHER things to do.Yes we are having a baby...but that dont make us helpless...that dont make us care any less about everyone elses problems.That dont make us both fragile.Maybe her because she's with child, but most CERTAINLY not me.If I stress, there isnt a chance of ME losing the baby because im not the one carrying it.Juliet will be taken care of, Juliet will be given the proper buriel as the priceless girl that she is in all of our hearts.Please Nikki...please,take care of yourself.Please..even if you feel your sons are losing Tay..that's all the more reason for you to take care of urself..they need their mother all the more.
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i need to stop putting it in the past tense just because shes dead it's very rude of me because we all still love her even if she is dead. i know what you mean about the way she was concieved. just because she was concieved like that doesnt mean she doesn't deserve all the love we can give her. no one understands it that was between him and ave. ya no? it was thier thing. We all looked past that and loved her very much. She is beautiful like an angel.
I know you love them. Zac if you love them you won't stay away from them. i mean if you stay away from them and they lose tay too then they only have Ike... because well... no one else would be here. you cant just drop out of their lives like that its really fucked up. You love them well you can come and see them and prove your love and not stay away like that. Zac. go see your kids or have Kate bring them to you or whatever but you need to go see them. can you imagine how they feel? GO SEE YOUR KIDS! How would you feel if one of them died and you hadn't seen them in forever. you tell me to cherish mine? well cherish yours too. just because kate has them doesnt mean you cant see them and dont do it because of what happen with Juliet go see your kids Zac it might help you feel better. Well we have lost way more than we've gained but just think of the kids we're bound to have in the future because i know you plan on having more kids with Nat and i know tay if we get him back will probably have more kids. and me and ike are having kids of our own someday so theres going to be way more kids being born into our clan so dont worry about it hun. i mean we've lost but theres plenty more to gain ya no? and Ezra wasn't your fault. I do cherish them like no other. i mean sometimes i'll just look down atthem while their sleeping or playing or just laughing and i start crying because i still can't believe i have these 2 and how happy they make me. i love those little boys more than anything or anyone. i mean they wasn't concieved in the best situation either but it was beautiful how they was. that night was wonderful.
I know but you do have other things to do. Get ready for the baby buy stuff ya no? i know that doesnt make ya'll helpless and i know it doesnt make you careless about everyone else. Well it makes her but not you. If you stress then shes gunna be kind of stressed to because of you andthat isn't good on her ya no? i know your not the one carrying it. I know she'll be taken care of. Iam taking care of myself. im just stressed but then what else is new with that? when in the last 6-8 months havent i been stressed? i mean the headaches are back but i'm dealing with them. I know they need me i'm not harming myself in any way. im just stressed and......confused.......
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It's not rude.Perhaps im just in denial?Perhaps most every one of us is in denial?I dont know.Your not being rude.Its hard not to put it in past tense.I just dont want to accept she's gone and that any of us failed her.I know she dont think of any of us as a failure though.God, she must be the most beautiful angel.Her little halo.Her feathery soft wings and her rosey red cheeks on her pale ash skin.Her little tiny hands so brilliant.Im glad you understand what I mean.Its hard to believe anyone understands..but I know that you do.Because that's just the way you are..your a very understanding person.She is wonderful...beautiful and sweet little juliet.
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Yeah.I know.SHIT...I didnt think of how badly Natalie must be feeling right now?SHIT.Wow, how could I be so selfish.And the baby.THE BABY?How's the baby.Oh fuck.Wow, I really need a reality check like major right now.Fuck.Oh geez.This is crazy.I have to make this up to everyone.Really I do.Yeah.I just got to be strong, for both of us...for all 3 of us.Yeah...strong.*takes a deep breath in a breathes out*Im just sorry you have been so stressed Nikki.I'd like to take all the weight off of your shoulders.Really lol and then tell Ike to give them a good massage.Yepperdoodles.Lol.But anyways..Nikki..thanks...for like...Everything.Im here if you need me...okay?Im here.
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