I don't know really what this is.
I could go ahead and take such a bold leap as to list all of the things bearing down on me with undeniable pressure at the moment. Suffice to say, most of the list wouldn't be accurate, as the only thing that really bothers me at the moment, is my bruised spine. An injury resulting from being pushed, losing my balance and falling onto the corner of a wall. I had never imagined that a single sense of pain could result from such a large area.
I've found recently that any and all of my gusto towards life, and more specifically towards the idea of actions in life. I've been sleeping a lot, not just too much, but way too much. Why? I'm bored, and it's beyond me in any dimension of what I can do to relieve myself from such a condition in the near future.
My life is a waste, it feels that way. I'm not suicidial, I'm not depressed, I'm actually kinda happy in certain situations, I love laughing, I love my puppy. I can still have a good time at work, but my life still feels like a waste. I'd never had thought I'd be the kid who is locked up in the glass box and clawing at the walls to get out, but I am. Oh, how I am.
I can deal with change, I've dealt with change. Change can be such a great thing in life. But pointless, seemingly meaningless, harmful, hurtful change. I don't like it, it makes no sense to me. Why I can't be friends with some of the same people I was, why those friendships ended, I don't understand it. Why I have to try and please the unpleaseable, I don't know, but I've decided it's not worthwhile anyways.
Things don't make sense.
My dad says he has a raincloud over his head. He does, his rear window exploded tonight, for the second time. He has no money, he makes $50,000 a year, and lives in an apartment where the rent is $500 a month. Where the fuck is his money? I don't know. My mom and stepdad make at least twice that if not more, and are obviously more responsible with their money. And they tell me they can only 'afford' to help me out so much, but then go ahead and take a $2000 trip to California this summer again not bringing me, buying lawn stuff worth $2000 as well. Ok, it's their money, I know, they don't have to help me, I never see them, I'm never there, I'm a crappy son. But the lecutures I get make no sense.
My education has been a total waste, my major is a joke, I haven't learned a single thing worth remembering as evident by the fact that I don't remember anything.
It's inescapeable.
Half the friends I've made in the past 2 years have been more disposable than anything I have ever known. The only people keeping me afloat are the ones I rarely see. Approaching strangers, there is no gray area, it's as black and white as math. Hate or like, there's no room for error, one wrong word, one seat taken and somebody wants to kick your ass?
I'm stuck at a dead-end job with some of the greatest people I've ever met. I'm stuck. I can't find another job without going down. I can't go down, I worked up from where I was, then to go below where I started, it doesn't make sense.
I have been more emotional than I ever knew possible in the past two weeks. The simplest things make me swell up with tears, crying more than anyone I've ever known. Even if something isn't really sad I get visibally upset about it - and I don't know why.
If I try to distance myself from the problems of those around me, my mind creates new problems, new ideas, terrifying ideas. I asked myself today "if my mom died, would I still stay in touch with my stepdad?" I would, but what worries me is the detail to which I construct these scenarios. How I would react, how others would react, I play it out. It's all I do.
I watch World News Tonight so I can take comfort that my life isn't as fucked as the rest of the world. But in some ways it's as convoluted.