my momentary lapse of reason reveals a flicker of clarity
i could never decipher my own behaviour very well. Even when i argued with myself over what motives drove me to behave the way i did, i still firmly beleived that under it all i knew myself fairly well....
It was a lie. Or, at least, it was a delay in realising that it was a lie.
my poor girl. She always had the utmost faith that i had reason to be a bitch, that somehow she had provoked me, forced my hand...inside i could see that she was confused and hurt, but i just kept on blaming her, or things she'd done; and used those pathetic instances of her tiny mistakes as a platform for my hate and envy to flow forth unhindered by truth and logic.
i lied to her. made myself believe it so that i sounded so righteous when i spewed abuse at her and her friends... then, the other night after yet another artistic display of trivia-turned-drama, i went to bed. Her much loved friends came over, and I, not wanting her to have joy if I couldn't, promptly told her to "..shut the fuck up.." so she couldn't have a loud conversation with them, or laugh... she took them outside so as not to displease me, as i often made her think she did.
i lay in bed...and cried. For a few minutes, i didn't know why. then i cried some more...and the realisation started to set in.
I was Jealous! Fucking jealousy!!! i can't beleive that i am jealous. But i envy her. And her youth. And her joy at simple things. And the way she can forgive anyone anything. And the way she relents of her own needs to fulfil mine. I am jealous of her friends. At how they just drop in to see how she is.
I don't have any of these things, and i envy her for it. So much. So, instead of getting off my arse and trying to live a little more for myself and what i really want, i hate her for what she has that I don't.
So, my realisation is this; that not only am i jealous of my lover being happy, i am also weak. And i hate weakness...
I want to tell her this so much, but can't. Weakness. I want to not feel the way i do, but can't stop myself. Weakness. If you read this Jo, I am so very sorry for everything. And, contrary to my very shoddy actions, I do love you.
Please understand what I fail to; that although i seem to you strong and intelligent, under it all i am weak and bitter...and of a very small mind.
It was a lie. Or, at least, it was a delay in realising that it was a lie.
my poor girl. She always had the utmost faith that i had reason to be a bitch, that somehow she had provoked me, forced my hand...inside i could see that she was confused and hurt, but i just kept on blaming her, or things she'd done; and used those pathetic instances of her tiny mistakes as a platform for my hate and envy to flow forth unhindered by truth and logic.
i lied to her. made myself believe it so that i sounded so righteous when i spewed abuse at her and her friends... then, the other night after yet another artistic display of trivia-turned-drama, i went to bed. Her much loved friends came over, and I, not wanting her to have joy if I couldn't, promptly told her to "..shut the fuck up.." so she couldn't have a loud conversation with them, or laugh... she took them outside so as not to displease me, as i often made her think she did.
i lay in bed...and cried. For a few minutes, i didn't know why. then i cried some more...and the realisation started to set in.
I was Jealous! Fucking jealousy!!! i can't beleive that i am jealous. But i envy her. And her youth. And her joy at simple things. And the way she can forgive anyone anything. And the way she relents of her own needs to fulfil mine. I am jealous of her friends. At how they just drop in to see how she is.
I don't have any of these things, and i envy her for it. So much. So, instead of getting off my arse and trying to live a little more for myself and what i really want, i hate her for what she has that I don't.
So, my realisation is this; that not only am i jealous of my lover being happy, i am also weak. And i hate weakness...
I want to tell her this so much, but can't. Weakness. I want to not feel the way i do, but can't stop myself. Weakness. If you read this Jo, I am so very sorry for everything. And, contrary to my very shoddy actions, I do love you.
Please understand what I fail to; that although i seem to you strong and intelligent, under it all i am weak and bitter...and of a very small mind.