Just a strange, uneasy feeling
I have two days of the seiyuu meme that I have to do, but I'm blogging about something else.
I define "rant" as criticism with extreme emotion. I'm not that angry today though, but I'm just ....bloated?
I'm surprised that it's Friday; nothing happened last night, but I felt like something needed to get out of my system.
I guess it started on Plurk where I was introducing myself to those who recently added me to their friend list. As I did, my roleplaying game history crossed my mind. When you're young, you can develop faster, but you don't have much to stand on. Not much knowledge and comprehension. Online, I started off in D&D; years later, I entered text-based play-by-post games. The majority of my RPing was online; but, I enjoyed writing before that.
And it was just a terrible experience. The beginnings were terrible; chatroom was terrible.
When you start off in tabletop, I'm sure you can be comfortable in the boundaries of your own home or friends. However online, you're not, unless you bring some really good friends. I had very few instances of help and I was around strangers. When you do online D&D, it's assumed that you already know how to play. I eventually learned, but I still couldn't get on par with everyone else. I wasn't good at character creation, playing characters, or adapting to the setting, and to make things worst? I get influenced to make strong characters because everyone else was, and that was the best way to survive. Can't learn anything if you die right? In a nutshell, I had a horrible reputation and was repulsing many players; called stupid, getting my mental capacity insulted, told I don't have any sense at all, etc.
"Why don't you THINK!" And the like. I still get that; right, NARUTO fandom?
There were those privileged players whose are often told to be "fantastic" by surrounding colleagues. They have their way often, their mistakes are usually waved off or forgiven easily, and they are easily trusted.
But not even those same people, who scolded me and acted like they knew better, provided me good examples either?
How can I explain it? "system abuse"? So why can a paladin or an elite knight have a very rare magical ring or necklace? To gain escape and combat advantages? Again, this is a free roam chatroom. One area, many characters; anyone could go in and go out. Some characters are adopted from tabletop and some (many?) are not. However, even from (and TO) veteran players, there was criticism about the abuse of rare treasures and "god-playing". I guess even the better players had a fear of dying as well.
Maybe D&D and chatroom don't mix. I hated vampires and dragons because of them. In all corners of gaming, vampires and dragons seem to be the top tier of monsters.
Back to my gaming history.
So, I got confused. How was I supposed to know the difference between right or wrong? If I'm often told that I'm dumb or cheating? Incapable of anything else? Treated like some bug.
When I got into play-by-post gaming from chatroom, I assumed that redundant writing and writing longer was the key to better roleplaying. That's what the veterans did after all. It was difficult to do when transferring from chatroom, but I had potential since I liked to write.
When I got better, I became more trusted. However! When you become "privileged", I realized something else: You can't handle being denied. Can't handle being told that you're wrong. I thought I could get away with a bit of arrogance, but it turns out that too much pride is something I dislike.
There's another thing that I learned: Length and redundancy isn't the correct answer either.
The subjects of "writing" and "being new" just reminded me.
Staying on the subject about "providing examples", I recently came across online fiction on FF.net about vampires. TERRIBLY written, grammar errors, Japanese terms, typos. I reviewed it because it was a request by the author. I was honest; vampires aren't my cup of tea, but Japanese vampires that are civilized? With friends and aspirations to fall in love or to play games with friends? sounds like a moe anime or a Nickelodeon cartoon. I never told the author that her story was stupid, I never said that she shouldn't write, etc.
But, if she were to try and publish that story, she probably would be told that "she should never write IN LIFE!". Anyone could have said that. What would the reaction be? Should she go along with that advice, or keep trying? Walt Disney had been denied various times while aspiring to become a cartoonist, and decades later he still influences the entire world.
Quoting myself to the author, "This is your story. Not something I like but maybe others do". (I should've said "others will").
In the world of writing expression, we often place down what we enjoy? It's the best idea and more comfortable. I guess that's why people find people who take obsessions too far. Is this..all real?!
Anyways. Many experts in writing state to "allow yourself to fail".
After the chatroom mess, I wanted to dedicate myself to some rules while playing an online writing game:
- To not become greedy
- Not follow the example of others if I don't like it (like in D&D as I mentioned above)**
- To work on good, positive manners
- Help when asked to; not exclude anyone
- To not assume that I must have strong characters or anything restricted/banned (ie: Rare items) if in charge of game management (aka: Authority. Moderators, maintainers).
- To not became biased towards friends/lovers or family (especially when in authority).
- To not monopolize friends to get my way
For those last two, I know two cases that really got me angry. Afterwards, I hated it when couples were running any game. Don't want to get into it.
**that also reminds me. I was on a combat machine-based board game (play via text again) where the majority of the players chose high-tier machines for their characters. So I thought, Y'know, let me get Hi-V gundam. Because the pilot was going to join an elite special ops faction.
So, I often tell myself, "If my character is not trying hard enough, he/she doesn't deserve to progress quickly". That's what I try to do.
All of this was inspired by some uneasy thought I had last night. We should prevent "psychological scars". Why do you think people grow up as jerks because they learn that from others. They end up unforgiving, and assume that payback and showing off your chest is better than anything.
I really have a trigger for pompousness. For arrogance. If I want to thank those guys from the online RP games for something, that is to learn not behave the same way.
But this isn't restricted to just "gaming", but communities as a whole. Maybe that's why I was bothered last night because I received too many online abuse. Fighting for my defense, the result doesn't end up in my favor.
Now I believe that I can't debate or think out of the box, that I can't express my thoughts safely, that my words are too confusing, that I have little logic, and that I can't fix any of it.
Or maybe I just hate to lose, and being told that I'm wrong, virtually all the time.
When I say the words "maybe" and "but" too much, it shows a lot of uncertainty.
What is right and wrong?
I define "rant" as criticism with extreme emotion. I'm not that angry today though, but I'm just ....bloated?
I'm surprised that it's Friday; nothing happened last night, but I felt like something needed to get out of my system.
I guess it started on Plurk where I was introducing myself to those who recently added me to their friend list. As I did, my roleplaying game history crossed my mind. When you're young, you can develop faster, but you don't have much to stand on. Not much knowledge and comprehension. Online, I started off in D&D; years later, I entered text-based play-by-post games. The majority of my RPing was online; but, I enjoyed writing before that.
And it was just a terrible experience. The beginnings were terrible; chatroom was terrible.
When you start off in tabletop, I'm sure you can be comfortable in the boundaries of your own home or friends. However online, you're not, unless you bring some really good friends. I had very few instances of help and I was around strangers. When you do online D&D, it's assumed that you already know how to play. I eventually learned, but I still couldn't get on par with everyone else. I wasn't good at character creation, playing characters, or adapting to the setting, and to make things worst? I get influenced to make strong characters because everyone else was, and that was the best way to survive. Can't learn anything if you die right? In a nutshell, I had a horrible reputation and was repulsing many players; called stupid, getting my mental capacity insulted, told I don't have any sense at all, etc.
"Why don't you THINK!" And the like. I still get that; right, NARUTO fandom?
There were those privileged players whose are often told to be "fantastic" by surrounding colleagues. They have their way often, their mistakes are usually waved off or forgiven easily, and they are easily trusted.
But not even those same people, who scolded me and acted like they knew better, provided me good examples either?
How can I explain it? "system abuse"? So why can a paladin or an elite knight have a very rare magical ring or necklace? To gain escape and combat advantages? Again, this is a free roam chatroom. One area, many characters; anyone could go in and go out. Some characters are adopted from tabletop and some (many?) are not. However, even from (and TO) veteran players, there was criticism about the abuse of rare treasures and "god-playing". I guess even the better players had a fear of dying as well.
Maybe D&D and chatroom don't mix. I hated vampires and dragons because of them. In all corners of gaming, vampires and dragons seem to be the top tier of monsters.
Back to my gaming history.
So, I got confused. How was I supposed to know the difference between right or wrong? If I'm often told that I'm dumb or cheating? Incapable of anything else? Treated like some bug.
When I got into play-by-post gaming from chatroom, I assumed that redundant writing and writing longer was the key to better roleplaying. That's what the veterans did after all. It was difficult to do when transferring from chatroom, but I had potential since I liked to write.
When I got better, I became more trusted. However! When you become "privileged", I realized something else: You can't handle being denied. Can't handle being told that you're wrong. I thought I could get away with a bit of arrogance, but it turns out that too much pride is something I dislike.
There's another thing that I learned: Length and redundancy isn't the correct answer either.
The subjects of "writing" and "being new" just reminded me.
Staying on the subject about "providing examples", I recently came across online fiction on FF.net about vampires. TERRIBLY written, grammar errors, Japanese terms, typos. I reviewed it because it was a request by the author. I was honest; vampires aren't my cup of tea, but Japanese vampires that are civilized? With friends and aspirations to fall in love or to play games with friends? sounds like a moe anime or a Nickelodeon cartoon. I never told the author that her story was stupid, I never said that she shouldn't write, etc.
But, if she were to try and publish that story, she probably would be told that "she should never write IN LIFE!". Anyone could have said that. What would the reaction be? Should she go along with that advice, or keep trying? Walt Disney had been denied various times while aspiring to become a cartoonist, and decades later he still influences the entire world.
Quoting myself to the author, "This is your story. Not something I like but maybe others do". (I should've said "others will").
In the world of writing expression, we often place down what we enjoy? It's the best idea and more comfortable. I guess that's why people find people who take obsessions too far. Is this..all real?!
Anyways. Many experts in writing state to "allow yourself to fail".
After the chatroom mess, I wanted to dedicate myself to some rules while playing an online writing game:
- To not become greedy
- Not follow the example of others if I don't like it (like in D&D as I mentioned above)**
- To work on good, positive manners
- Help when asked to; not exclude anyone
- To not assume that I must have strong characters or anything restricted/banned (ie: Rare items) if in charge of game management (aka: Authority. Moderators, maintainers).
- To not became biased towards friends/lovers or family (especially when in authority).
- To not monopolize friends to get my way
For those last two, I know two cases that really got me angry. Afterwards, I hated it when couples were running any game. Don't want to get into it.
**that also reminds me. I was on a combat machine-based board game (play via text again) where the majority of the players chose high-tier machines for their characters. So I thought, Y'know, let me get Hi-V gundam. Because the pilot was going to join an elite special ops faction.
So, I often tell myself, "If my character is not trying hard enough, he/she doesn't deserve to progress quickly". That's what I try to do.
All of this was inspired by some uneasy thought I had last night. We should prevent "psychological scars". Why do you think people grow up as jerks because they learn that from others. They end up unforgiving, and assume that payback and showing off your chest is better than anything.
I really have a trigger for pompousness. For arrogance. If I want to thank those guys from the online RP games for something, that is to learn not behave the same way.
But this isn't restricted to just "gaming", but communities as a whole. Maybe that's why I was bothered last night because I received too many online abuse. Fighting for my defense, the result doesn't end up in my favor.
Now I believe that I can't debate or think out of the box, that I can't express my thoughts safely, that my words are too confusing, that I have little logic, and that I can't fix any of it.
Or maybe I just hate to lose, and being told that I'm wrong, virtually all the time.
When I say the words "maybe" and "but" too much, it shows a lot of uncertainty.
What is right and wrong?