slave-art: summer 4 (*laughter*, "all of this racism is killing me!")
A high school cafeteria in 1998
Girl 1: You know what?
Girl 2: What?
Girl 1: I think Lance Bass is gay.
Girl 2: Shut up!
Girl 1: I'm serious, I think he's gay.
Girl 2: You don't know what you're talking about!
Girl 1: You don't get like a weird vibe from him or anything?
Girl 2: No, because there's no vibe to get, cause he's straight.
Girl 1: I think he's gay.
Girl 2: You're just crazy!
Girl 1: Whatever.
Girl 2: You're crazy. The day a perfectly straight man like Lance Bass comes out of the closet, is the day the cops make an arrest in the Jon Benet Ramsey murders.
Now, without any further ado.
This:
This is the poem that was too "real" for After School Matters and the city of Chicago.
There was a little bit added to the beginning.
boogie.
The Content of Our Characters
I loooove white people!
I mean it, I really, really do.
I love it when my white friends sprinkle racial slurs into our conversation, because we're too close for anyting they say to be racist for real.
I loved it when all of my white friends adopted ethnically sensitive stances on issues that mean something to me and my people, like affirmative action, and welfare.
And I love it, when my white friends go through their entire ancestry: "Uh, let's see, I'm French, Dutch, Irish, Swedish, English, Austrian, Swiss, Italian, Czech, Polish, Russian, German, Serbian, Socttish, Welsh, Armenian, Lithuanian, Albanian, Greek, Bulgarian, Norwegian, Finnish, and actually, this is a little bit interesting; some Blackfoot Indian. Yeah, finally got some color in me after all, isn't that right Matt! Hahahahahaha"
God bless their hearts.
But, I'm worried.
The other day, I saw a 10 year-old white kid with a Mohawk, and a tie-die t-shirt reciting Three 6 Mafia lyrics.
Specifically, the song "Slob On My Knob"
Now, I don't know why he did it, possibly because he was feeling especially hood that day.
But it affected me pretty strongly.
The occasion was filled with too much gravity, too much power to forget.
It had to mean something.
The one day, a white friend of mine walked up to me and asked,
"Matthew, how black am I?"
And as I was taking out the blackness Geiger Counter that I carry on me at all times.
It occurred to me
White people, are beginning to wish that they were black.
It's so obvious!
White women are getting collagen injections for bigger lips, and frequenting tanning salons for darker skin, and "ghetto parties" are popping up on college campuses across the country!
Black is the new black, or rather, African American is the new Caucasian
But I think this is just the beginning.
Every suburb in America is filled with kids dreaming of an existence beyond beanbag toss and huffing paint,
Dreaming of a day when, "Money, Hoes, and Clothes" will be all a wigga knows.
They'll exchange polos for white t's
Khaki cargo shorts will disappear in favor of jeans, properly worn just above the ankles.
But it won't end there.
White guys will get their hair braided up, while girls get it permed into kinks, just so they can get it permed straight again.
When the time comes to get cars, they'll look past their parents' offers of Volkswagens and Saabs, insisting instead that they get 1991 Oldsmobile Cutlass Classics with faux spreewells, and bass so bad that when it's all the way up, they can actually vibrate down the street, hovering slightly above the ground.
Even with accessories though, they're still sheep in wolves' clothing.
So in the interest of keeping it real the high school drop out rate of whites will increase, as they realize that the only respectable professions are athletics, music, things that are illegal, and things that will enable them to just get by.
In droves they'll drive up to police stations and confess to crimes that they may or may not have actually committed, in hopes of doing prison time.
They'll ride through the ghetto, giving away mutual funds, 401(k)s, Stock Certificates, anything they have to put them on the black side of the wealth gap.
White women will drop Atkins and South Beach for a strict diet of neckbones and cornbread in an attempt to get them a "ghetto booty."
Disneyworld will offer a ride, "Uncle Tom's Time Machine," where white people will be able to go back in time, and for a brief period, actually be enslaved by their own ancestors!
When their daughters get old enough, white fathers will sit them down and say, "Now Wendy, I understand you're starting to get interested in boys, but don't you dare bring home some lily-white, wonder bread eating, Zima drinking Honky, or I swear to God, I'll fight him in this house."
But then the situation will disintegrate completely.
Kool-Aid stock will skyrocket!
The number one cause of domestic abuse will shift from alcohol to scuffed Timberland Boots.
When they realize that you can't keep your status playa and be a member of the legislature at the same time, all 461 white members of congress will resign their seats but not before they pass a budget bill with an amendment that allocates funds for a Biggie memorial in DC (not one for Tupac though, cause he's still alive).
And one morning, in some unsuspecting black neighborhood. the white people will descend.
In a swarm, marching down the street with grillz on their teeth, "Thug Life" tattooed across their faces chanting, "Slob on my knob/like corn on the cob/check in with me/and do your job."
Call me an alarmist, but I really can't see this obession with African American culture going anywhere else.
One good thing though, it means that racism is officially over. Now, I know that you're skeptical; after all, there was that false alarm in 1865, that one in 1954, and the last one in 1965, but this time it's different. This time they really understand our struggle.
Actually I guess that would only end racism between blacks and whites.
Oh well, that's the hate that matters. Good luck rest of you.
Girl 1: You know what?
Girl 2: What?
Girl 1: I think Lance Bass is gay.
Girl 2: Shut up!
Girl 1: I'm serious, I think he's gay.
Girl 2: You don't know what you're talking about!
Girl 1: You don't get like a weird vibe from him or anything?
Girl 2: No, because there's no vibe to get, cause he's straight.
Girl 1: I think he's gay.
Girl 2: You're just crazy!
Girl 1: Whatever.
Girl 2: You're crazy. The day a perfectly straight man like Lance Bass comes out of the closet, is the day the cops make an arrest in the Jon Benet Ramsey murders.
Now, without any further ado.
This:
This is the poem that was too "real" for After School Matters and the city of Chicago.
There was a little bit added to the beginning.
boogie.
The Content of Our Characters
I loooove white people!
I mean it, I really, really do.
I love it when my white friends sprinkle racial slurs into our conversation, because we're too close for anyting they say to be racist for real.
I loved it when all of my white friends adopted ethnically sensitive stances on issues that mean something to me and my people, like affirmative action, and welfare.
And I love it, when my white friends go through their entire ancestry: "Uh, let's see, I'm French, Dutch, Irish, Swedish, English, Austrian, Swiss, Italian, Czech, Polish, Russian, German, Serbian, Socttish, Welsh, Armenian, Lithuanian, Albanian, Greek, Bulgarian, Norwegian, Finnish, and actually, this is a little bit interesting; some Blackfoot Indian. Yeah, finally got some color in me after all, isn't that right Matt! Hahahahahaha"
God bless their hearts.
But, I'm worried.
The other day, I saw a 10 year-old white kid with a Mohawk, and a tie-die t-shirt reciting Three 6 Mafia lyrics.
Specifically, the song "Slob On My Knob"
Now, I don't know why he did it, possibly because he was feeling especially hood that day.
But it affected me pretty strongly.
The occasion was filled with too much gravity, too much power to forget.
It had to mean something.
The one day, a white friend of mine walked up to me and asked,
"Matthew, how black am I?"
And as I was taking out the blackness Geiger Counter that I carry on me at all times.
It occurred to me
White people, are beginning to wish that they were black.
It's so obvious!
White women are getting collagen injections for bigger lips, and frequenting tanning salons for darker skin, and "ghetto parties" are popping up on college campuses across the country!
Black is the new black, or rather, African American is the new Caucasian
But I think this is just the beginning.
Every suburb in America is filled with kids dreaming of an existence beyond beanbag toss and huffing paint,
Dreaming of a day when, "Money, Hoes, and Clothes" will be all a wigga knows.
They'll exchange polos for white t's
Khaki cargo shorts will disappear in favor of jeans, properly worn just above the ankles.
But it won't end there.
White guys will get their hair braided up, while girls get it permed into kinks, just so they can get it permed straight again.
When the time comes to get cars, they'll look past their parents' offers of Volkswagens and Saabs, insisting instead that they get 1991 Oldsmobile Cutlass Classics with faux spreewells, and bass so bad that when it's all the way up, they can actually vibrate down the street, hovering slightly above the ground.
Even with accessories though, they're still sheep in wolves' clothing.
So in the interest of keeping it real the high school drop out rate of whites will increase, as they realize that the only respectable professions are athletics, music, things that are illegal, and things that will enable them to just get by.
In droves they'll drive up to police stations and confess to crimes that they may or may not have actually committed, in hopes of doing prison time.
They'll ride through the ghetto, giving away mutual funds, 401(k)s, Stock Certificates, anything they have to put them on the black side of the wealth gap.
White women will drop Atkins and South Beach for a strict diet of neckbones and cornbread in an attempt to get them a "ghetto booty."
Disneyworld will offer a ride, "Uncle Tom's Time Machine," where white people will be able to go back in time, and for a brief period, actually be enslaved by their own ancestors!
When their daughters get old enough, white fathers will sit them down and say, "Now Wendy, I understand you're starting to get interested in boys, but don't you dare bring home some lily-white, wonder bread eating, Zima drinking Honky, or I swear to God, I'll fight him in this house."
But then the situation will disintegrate completely.
Kool-Aid stock will skyrocket!
The number one cause of domestic abuse will shift from alcohol to scuffed Timberland Boots.
When they realize that you can't keep your status playa and be a member of the legislature at the same time, all 461 white members of congress will resign their seats but not before they pass a budget bill with an amendment that allocates funds for a Biggie memorial in DC (not one for Tupac though, cause he's still alive).
And one morning, in some unsuspecting black neighborhood. the white people will descend.
In a swarm, marching down the street with grillz on their teeth, "Thug Life" tattooed across their faces chanting, "Slob on my knob/like corn on the cob/check in with me/and do your job."
Call me an alarmist, but I really can't see this obession with African American culture going anywhere else.
One good thing though, it means that racism is officially over. Now, I know that you're skeptical; after all, there was that false alarm in 1865, that one in 1954, and the last one in 1965, but this time it's different. This time they really understand our struggle.
Actually I guess that would only end racism between blacks and whites.
Oh well, that's the hate that matters. Good luck rest of you.