RP Log with tacticalmind | Choices & Decisions
[Follows all recent events posted @ sexyinscrubs, pullmysteth & randbyname]
The phone call came through around four o'clock, Luke delivering the news about Aiden and Patrick to Leila who had just paled as she listened, nodding, even if her cousin couldn't see her. The road trip had gone without a hitch until then, and they had taken their time, only making it to Maine so far but deciding to stick here for a few days when they found a gorgeous little camping place with cabins. They didn't need a cabin, though. They found a secluded place by the sprawling lake not far from a small fishing wharf and set the tent up there. There was a town close by for supplies if they needed it and the place just had an addictive tranquillity about it that they weren't ready to move on from yet.
Rob found Leila sitting down on a soft grassy patch by the lake, watching the sun set over the water. He came up behind her and sat down quietly, wrapping his legs around each side of her and hugging his arms around her waist. He rested his chin on her shoulder and softly kissed her neck just below her ear. "You okay, darlin'?" he murmured and started to rub his hand soothing across her stomach. "We can go home if you want, if you think Luke will need you there. It's okay, you know. We've had a lil bit of time away."
Leila leaned back against Rob as she covered his arms with hers, and smiled softly. Truth was after the phone call from Luke she was just suddenly feeling exhausted. Everything seemed to come slamming home again, and she realised just how quickly she could lose someone she cared about. Luke was closer to Aiden and Pat for obvious reasons, but they were still part of the extended family she'd suddenly found herself with, and one of the reasons she hadn't wanted to move back away from Luke, and Andy. She glanced down at her wedding band, and turned her head a little into Rob's kiss.
That was the other thing, she was left with the same cold feeling she'd had the whole time Rob had been gone, and the same unsettled feeling she'd had as soon as she knew he'd been hurt. She gripped his arms a little tighter and let out a shuddering sigh. "No, not really... I don't know. He didn't really say, he just... I don't know. Part of me wants to be selfish and stay away. How horrible is that? I can't even believe I'm even thinking it."
"Well," Rob began, still keeping his arms tucked securely around her, "maybe he just wanted to let you know. I mean, it's a huge thing. You should know about it. Aiden's one of Luke's closest friends, and that just seems to be how the group is. It's better you know than not in case... things took a turn for the worst. I'd wanna know if it was one of my mates, or even a mate of a mate. I don't think it's horrible that you want to stay away. We've had some shit to deal with too, and sometimes you just need to get away. He probably just needed someone to talk to, especially when he said Riley was having a tough time too. He'll be worried about Tab. It's just a domino effect. Did he tell you he wanted you to come home?" he asked, watching the gorgeous view of the lake over her shoulder.
Leila sucked on her bottom lip briefly before she released it with another exhale of breath. "I know. I do. I'd rather know than go home and find out all this shit happened, and we had stayed clueless. I just can't believe it... I thought things were going okay, you know? None of us are ever allowed to be happy for too long. No, he didn't say he wanted me to come home. But I don't know, maybe I should? It sounds like they might be lacking babysitters for the twins, even if I'm still finding my feet with babies. Jamie's been the only one we've really had any exposure to. I know he's worried about Aiden, and Tab. He's got help at the bar, so it's not like that's his main concern."
If Rob had to be entirely honest with himself, it was still too soon after his own accident to want to be hanging around more hospitals. He didn't say that, though. He wanted to support Leila in whatever she needed to do, even if the thought of going back to New York right now set a strange sort of panic thrumming in his gut. But he stayed calm, drawing as much out of the embrace as he was hopefully giving her. "Accidents happen, though. You said Luke mentioned that there was a chance it was the MS, so it was just one of those things. Pat's illness took a sudden turn, and it just turned out badly. I don't know if there is any real answer here, to know what to do or what not to do. Ali and Andrew are there, they'll have help. I ain't trying to talk you out of going back, I'm just saying that they all know why we had to get away and I just... I ain't sure I can go back yet."
Leila shifted a little in the embrace, wanting to curl up against Rob's chest. She could still watch the sun set, she'd just rather lose herself in her husband's comforting arms as well. Her glasses were hooked into the front of her top so she could give her eyes a rest, so all the colours were still blurred anyway. She shut her eyes, and rest her head against Rob's shoulder for a moment. "I'm not asking you to go back. I don't think I can go back. I just... I want time with you. I want it to just be you and me for a while. It's not like we're not here for them. We are, just not in New York, or Princeton." She wrapped her arms around him again, her fingers gripping the back of his shoulder. "I need it to just be us."
Rob nodded slowly and rested his head against hers. He was quiet for a long few moments, lost in his thoughts without his mind really staying in one particular place. "I know you weren't asking, darlin'. I was just trying to think of solutions. But to be honest, I ain't sure Luke was calling you to look for solutions. I think he was just calling you because he's upset and you're his cousin. Sometimes hearing someone's voice is all you need. Just keeping a link. Trust me, I know as well as anyone that sometimes, family just can't always be together. Aiden and Pat both have huge families, and we're part of it now, for sure. I don't think them, or Luke, or anyone would deny us the need to just be doing this right now..." He waved his hand in the direction of the lake, remembering how he was telling Charlie about it and admitting to her he could happily live in a place like this, open with fresh air. "I know there ain't hospitals or life support involved with us no more, but as much as I hate to admit it, I gotta heal too or I'm going to mental. New York ain't a place a guy like me can get better."
Leila lifted her head as she opened her eyes again, and brought her mouth to Rob's to kiss him softly. She couldn't deny that he definitely had a way of keeping her grounded. He had this way of helping her see her own thoughts more clearly. As crazy as it had been to marry him two weeks after they'd met, she couldn't deny she was lucky to have just kept falling in love with him, and find that she was more suited to marriage than she thought. She'd read enough horror stories about quickie marriages, but theirs had worked out. Was still working out. She wouldn't have traded it for anything. "I think he knows he can always call whenever he needs to, that the link is still there, but I know what you mean. I'd rather you didn't go mental, so we're definitely staying out here. We'll go wherever you need to get better."
Rob kissed her back softly and then laughed, looking over her face affectionately. "I'm actually really starting to get used to this place. Crazy, huh? Hardly part way in to the road trip and a tiny part of me wants to just sit here on the edge of this lake forever, buy a fishing rod, lie looking at the stars at night, pretending all that non-happy stuff ain't existing. Shame we have to live in the real world," he joked. "Thinking about it just being us, nothing but the car and the tent and the sleeping bag, maybe a nice fire to sit by at night. Makes me stop and think about life, and how much I ain't ready to check out on it yet. Thinking about thing things I maybe want one day. Just ain't sure no more if the military factors into that. Especially realising a lil earlier that even Mikey might be finally getting his act together."
Leila nodded in agreement as she twisted back to sit between his legs and stare out at the body of water in front of them. "I could do it, too. Never thought I'd feel like just... staying, but here I could. I don't even miss New York. I don't miss the sounds of traffic, I don't miss the grime, I don't miss the buildings, I definitely don't miss the rush of people. Maybe if we win the Lotto or something we could buy a second place here... A getaway just for us," she suggested quietly. "Mike? What makes you think he's getting his act together?"
"I'd like that... wouldn't even need to win the lotto, either," Rob mused quietly. He couldn't believe how much he felt connected to this place. Maybe if they had somewhere to escape to, things might be easier to swallow with his work. "Kinda been thinking about how it would be to own a place with a garden, too. With a porch swing, maybe a big bedroom with huge windows let in the morning sunlight, to just lie there on a Sunday morning, breakfast in bed..." He trailed off and laughed. "Sounds like I got too much time on my hands lately. I was chatting to an old pal from my cadet days, Charlie. She's a sniper too, but she stayed to specialise there and I moved on to Artilliary Tactics, so got transferred to Fort Sill in Oklahama, while Mikey, who also trained with us, went on to the medical side of things. We were all just typical teenagers, grew up through training together. But yeah, she was telling me Mikey pulled her outta bad situation over there. It's been a long, long time since I spoke to her, so I didn't even know she was over there. Turns out, she's had a crush on him since we enlisted."
"Wouldn't?" Leila let her eyes fall closed again, and pictured the house that Rob was describing and let out a soft moan. She could picture every little detail, even how the rooms were decorated. "Always did want a porch swing," she revealed with a laugh. "Just never told anyone because I knew it wasn't possible. Figured porch swings and New York didn't exactly go together. Not to mention I didn't plan on stopping anywhere to buy a house with a porch swing. Things are different now. I want all that... It doesn't sound like you have too much time on your hands. Just sounds like your priorities shifted." She rubbed her hand against his leg. "Okay... so Charlie's been crushing on Mike, and Mike swooped in to be her knight in cammos, and... Did they get it on? Does he secretly love her, too? Is she okay now?"
Rob wet his lips and cleared his throat, clearly hesitating and debating over whether he wanted to say something else on his mind. "I was... thinking. Maybe if I took that training job, get transferred again to Monmouth in New Jersey, we could maybe buy a proper house with a garden. Maybe somewhere halfway between the base and New York where your family are. Then we could be closer to Luke in Princeton too, like a full circle. See, I Googled, Lils showed me Google Maps. It's only about an hour drive from the City to Fort Monmouth, and then an hour again from Princeton to Monmouth. And the base is near the water, we could get a place near water there. We could maybe even still afford a cabin here for holidays. It's just... you know, a thought... maybe." He cleared his throat again, chewing his lip as he drank in the sunset. "No, and Mike's doing his brooding thing. I think. But, I've been trying to get a hold of him and he ain't gotten back in touch, so he could just be well busy. She kissed him, and he kissed her back."
Leila was quiet for a moment as she tried to figure out what Rob's plan meant. "But that would mean an hour commuting for you, are you sure it's what you want? It would have to suck for those five o'clock starts wouldn't it? Are you sure you want to travel that much? I mean, I'm not saying no. Definitely not saying no... In fact, I think maybe I'd really love that. If you're sure. So does that mean you want to take the training job?" She was still wrapping her head around the logistics, but a huge part of her felt like letting out a sigh of relief at knowing that training meant he wasn't anywhere near the frontline. "There's been kissing? Wow... Mike really has been a busy boy. So the broody thing is because he didn't want the kissage?"
Rob shook his head. "No, no... I mean, we could maybe get a place in a town that's midway of them all. Thirty minutes to the base, thirty minutes to Princeton, thirty minutes to New York," he explained. "If you look at the map, all three places are like three points of a triangle. If we get somewhere around the middle, it'll only be a short drive to all of them. I ain't sure about the training job. I ain't real sure about a whole lot right now, but I'm trying to work it out. Right now, I just gotta come to terms with the fact I ain't fit for the frontline. I might not be for a year, two years, five... ever again. It's stupid to try and pretend that ain't happening. Delusion isn't gonna get me anywhere. All it'll do is make our life stuck and strained, and I don't want that. Not at all. But it's either take the training post, seeing to new recruits, or retire. And I like New York, I really do, but maybe in smaller doses. I'm still a country boy, I still need my greener pastures and fresh air. I need to be able to feel free." He gave her a small squeeze, hoping he was at least making some sense in the jumble of thoughts. "Nah, I ain't thinking so. Brooding is probably more needing to process it, and like I said, I think he's been in the thick of it. You ain't got a whole heap of time to brood over there before you're tossed into the next situation."
"Oh, okay. See, I understand now. For a moment I was worried... Thirty minutes isn't so bad, and I like the idea of being between all of it. It's okay if you're not sure about the job, just wanted to know. Can I just be a little bit selfish - again - and say that personally I like the idea of you not being back out on the frontline. I know you're a soldier, but I just... I can't go through what we just went through again. I can't watch you go through that because I'm really not ready to lose you. But if you ever go back... I'd stand by you. Of course I would. It's not the waiting that bothers me. It's the you getting hurt that does, the you getting nearly killed. Which I realise is part of the Army deal, but I never said I'd be logical while being selfish." Leila rubbed her hand over Rob's. He was making all kinds of sense even if she wasn't right then. "I want you to have your greener pastures. I want us both to have them. Besides, it'd be better if we ever got to the point where we were ready for kids. Give them some nature to lose themselves in, and not concrete and glass. Do you think they'll get together? Or as best as people out there can? What about back here on home soil? What's Charlie like?"
Rob fell quiet, taking in her words. When he spoke again, his voice was a little choked up and hoarse. "I'm a soldier, darlin'. That's what I do and I ain't going to promise you that I ain't gonna go back because the minute they give me the greenlight, I... I have to. I would still be there now if that all ain't happened. I..." This was the part where his sound reasoning started to slip and falter, words became harder to find as he struggled to explain it. He felt like he was split equally in two down the middle. Half of him still harboured the fierce loyalty to serve and protect his country, to fight for it, to die for it if that was what it came to. And then the other half of him was terrified. Terrified of losing his life, terrified of dying, terrified of going back there, and that had a yearning to just disappear into a quiet life where he had peace and safety. We're he was happy. It was impossible for his brain to function properly right now, which was a big portion of why he was out on medical leave anyway. At the moment, he was struggling to breach those two sides of him and make any sense of it in his mind. Before he knew what was happening, tears were welling up in his eyes and they spilled over silently. He just wet his lips and looked out at the soothing view. The whole Post-Traumatic thing was hard to live. His emotions would fray and peak at any minute, usually anger, just like when he had exploded at Charlie before he could stop it, or there was this other side where the cold helplessness and sense of loss sat in his gut and made him want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers. Either way, he knew in his heart, he couldn't be on the frontline right now. He was too damaged. He needed to heal. "She's, uh... she's real sweet. Typical country gal. Tough as nails though when she's fighting. You gotta be out there. We were close pals back then, but I didn't even see she was hooked on Mikey. She kept it to herself. But you sacrifice a lot when you're a soldier, and that even starts when you're a cadet. That mindset is pumped into you from day one, screamed in your face over and over until you just wake up one day thinking, living, breathing like a soldier. It's marked on your soul. But I ain't sure what they're gonna do. They might never be on the same home soil together. Charlie's based in Texas for one, Mikey's in Jersey. They ain't anywhere near in the same units, completely different specialties. Same as why I ain't seen either of them til I was moved to New York. I was in Sill at Oklahoma, different unit and specialty all over again. You don't cross paths much. It's why I was so suprised when she was there and I was talking to her, let alone her telling me she hooked up with Mikey."
Leila's fingers slipped in between his as she hugged his arms even tighter around her. Sometimes it didn't feel like she'd get enough of him, like she just needed to be embraced to the point where she was swallowed up by Rob. Especially now when they did have time together. She just wanted to utilise every moment. She heard him getting choked up, and noticed the change in his voice. She turned her head to rest her face against his chest, and breathed in his scent. "I know you're a soldier, I'm just having a stupid moment. I know I can't ask you to stop, and I won't. You just scare the shit out of me sometimes, that's all. I can get along with you gone so long as I just know somewhere deep down that you're as okay as you can be out there. No more explosions. Even if you can't ever promise me that." Leila raised his hand to her mouth and kissed his palm. "I love you. I just get selfish sometimes, that's all. I want as much as you as I can get when you're on home soil. You got ripped away too quickly last time. Doesn't it ever get to the point where you just want something for yourself? To stop sacrificing? Wow, it's like some kinda epic love story. It's just missing Ralph Fiennes, or maybe Henry Cavill as Mikey. But I thought it was just a kiss? Was there actual hooking up?"
Rob had to laugh, loving how Leila could just lift his spirits when he managed to lose a hold of them. "Mikey ain't British, love. Ain't sure they could really pull off his Southern drawl," he said in amusement. "Should I be worried about your fondness for hot English men?" he added teasingly and wrapped his arms more securely around her. "I just meant hooked up as in crossed paths again. It's really been a hell of a long time, I should have asked her what she thought when she first saw him. Mikey's grown up, a lot. He was a scrawny teenager back in those days. He's grown into himself, to say the least. You know the hard part of this all, darlin'? There is a big part of me right now that does just wanna do something for myself. A part of me wants to retire, stop it all, just relax and be me. I just ain't sure it's a bigger part than the soldier in me, and there is a chance that choice could get taken away from me. But if I retire, ain't no military no more. If I stay, take the training post, there still could be a chance they send me back when I'm better. My head feels like it's split into a bunch of different pieces, and that ain't even considering my heart."
"No, they're just usually the ones that wind up playing soldiers in those epic romances," Leila replied as she smiled. "You and your drawl will never have anything to worry about. Oh, that kind of hooked up. Well, now I get it. I still can't see him as a scrawny kid. Are you sure that's what he was? He's just so big... and... Mikey. Can't blame her for wanting to try it on, especially if she loved a scrawny kid and then he comes back as... that." Leila pressed her lips together, and gave a small nod. "I know, love. Just do whatever you think is right. I'll support you. I'll always be by your side."
Rob was quiet again. Doing what he thought was right indicated he had a clue of what was right, and he didn't. And the thinking was starting to make him feel tired again, like curling up in the tent and going to sleep would be a good idea. It was probably why stopping and retiring felt like such a good idea. The tiredness since his ordeal in Afghanistan wasn't easily shaken. It wasn't as bad as it was when he first got back when he would literally sleep away days at a time, but it was still there, and still constantly made itself known often. "He really was, but then... so was I. Now he still kinda makes me look like a scrawny teenager when I stand next to him," he laughed a little but it didn't last long. "I just hope he can find something to make him happy. I think Charlie could, she ain't had no one in awhile either. But I dunno. Mikey does a good job of sabotaging himself when he wants to. Have you spoken to him since he left?"
Leila gave a shake of her head. "No, I haven't. I meant to. Just our time seems to slip away from us even when we're just sitting here." As if to prove her point, the sun dipped below the horizon as the sunset started to come to a finish. "I miss him. He helped me so much while you were gone, I would have been so lost without him. I just wanted him to not feel like he had to be alone. He seems to have this idea that everyone else deserves to be happy before he does... That he shouldn't be with anyone. I don't think that's right. He's got just as much right to fall in love, to be loved, and missed, and cared for."
"I ain't been able to get in touch with him anyway. He's probably out on a tough assignment. You don't get a lot of time to yourself." Rob watched as the last of the sunset slipped away and it got just that little bit darker around them. "Yeah, I owe him. He was still helping me even when I was back and having that weird breakdown. I got used to having him there, so it was hard to say goodbye. Never thought I'd let something like that get to me, but I did. Another reason I was sort of needing to get away for a lil while. He's just a typical Southern guy next door. He ain't wanting to hurt anyone, he can't live with himself when he does. I don't think it helped with his whole outlook on long-distance relationships when he witnessed what you went through with my shit. We should maybe think about getting that fire lit. It's still cold at nights. Ain't gonna do either of us any good to catch a cold."
Leila ran her tongue over her lips before she gave a little shiver in anticipation of the coming cold night. It might have been spring, but the nights were still very cool, and Rob was right about needing the fire. She released his arms reluctantly and gave his leg a pat. "Then you better get moving Mr Army Man. I'm not the one with a billion Scout badges, or whatever the fuck you guys get when you do something awesome. Mike didn't mind helping you. He wanted to, he just felt for you the whole time. He felt like shit when he found out he had to go - he didn't want to abandon you when you did need him." She bit her lip briefly as she turned to look at him. "I know it probably didn't help, but I was hardly going to be able to hold myself together during all that. It helped having him, and it helped having my family. I was lucky."
"Medals..." Rob murmured quietly as he moved to stand up, brushing his jeans off. They wanted to give him medals for bravery in relation to the whole ordeal, but so far, he hadn't made any moves to accept them. He just left New York without giving them an answer. He didn't want to be decorated for it, or reminded of any of it. He moved over to the car and unlocked the trunk to get some things out for starting the fire and making dinner. "Of course he didn't mind. He would die for me if it came to that... I'd die for him. We all know when you get that call, it's just the way it rolls. I just hope they don't keep him too long. He needs rest, and a break. He wouldn't have stayed if he didn't wanna help you, darlin'. He'd die for you too. It just emphasised a lot of his fears. It emphasised all our fears. Until it happens, you ain't ever really stopping to think it could be you one day. Not really. You'd go crazy if you did." He tucked the supplies under his arms and then closed the trunk again.
Leila brought her knees up under her chin now she didn't have Rob to keep her warm, and watched him as she let out a heavy breath. It all reminded her that she did want to check in with Rob, Luke, and Andy. Luke might have called, but she was still thinking about him. She made a mental note to send emails in the morning. Rob had mentioned the medals to her briefly, and she knew better than to press him about that topic. "I don't need him dying for me, I need him coming home. I want to know my boys are safe. I feel like a mother hen who's chicks are suddenly sent off on scary chicken missions, and she doesn't know if they'll come back."
"He ain't coming home yet, love. No sense sticking on it, it'll only make it harder to deal with," Rob advised, as much as he was struggling to follow his own advice. "And that ain't all a safe mindset to be living in with a military family. At risk of sounding like a real prick, which isn't my intention, your family on home soil could use just as much of that motherly hen worry as we could out there. They ain't all having the best of times. Luke's just become an uncle again, too. Mikey's tough and he's amazing at what he does. He'll be fine. Us soldiers out there, we need him."
"I meant them as well," Leila replied as she pushed her fingers through her hair. "They just kinda got lumped into the metaphor. But I know what you mean, and I'm stopping. See? No more worrying. Well, about you two. I'll keep worrying about Luke and maybe Andy. He's all quiet at the moment, so that's either good, or bad. The twins sound like they're doing okay, though. I can't believe all the babies we're suddenly surrounded by. Just reminds you life keeps moving."
Rob nodded and crouched down by the fire that was mostly already built from the night before. He started neatly building more wood around it so he could get it lit again. "They could use some quiet. I'm sure you woulda heard if there was something up. Was he heading to Princeton to be with Luke? Two sets of twins was pretty full on... I think I might be kinda jealous," he murmured with a small laugh. "Despite the shit, they all seem fulfilled, content."
"You want to start a family?" Leila asked him quietly, taking her glasses out of her top now that it was dark so she could see better. Her gaze stayed on his face as she watched his reactions. "I don't know, neither of them said what Andy was doing, but I'm going to assume it's a possibility. The bunch seem pretty good at moving when they need to, and gathering everyone together."
"Isn't Andrew's best pal a paramedic in Princeton now? Evie's sister. If she was involved too, there's probably no question they'd all go to Princeton to help out where they can, even just to make sure things were okay. They're tight, it's how it works. Still means the world to me that Ali brought y'all to see me in the hospital on the day of her wedding." Rob realised he had outright avoided her question initially and he cleared his throat, glancing up at her briefly before he lit the twigs beneath the wood pile and the fire started to spread straight away, crackling softly. "I wouldn't mind, I just don't think it's the best time right now. Everything's so... uncertain."
Leila hummed quietly. "Still means the world to me that she brought me to see you, too. I thought I was going to burst into a puddle of tears. Still don't know that I'll ever repay her enough. She just knew." Leila unfolded so she could move over to Rob, staying on her knees as she kissed him. "I'm ready to have your babies whenever you're ready, Sergeant. My womb is yours. Never thought I'd be ready, but I want kids with you, Littlerock."
Rob rested his head against her forehead, feeling those niggles of emotions trying to rise in him again. "You don't know how much I would love to just say let's go for it right now. Part of that whole peace package, I guess. I just... having Jamie 'round and being involved with your family, it's been an honour to watch it, be part of it. Makes me wonder the what ifs a whole lot, you know?"
Leila kept her hand against his cheek, her thumb rubbing against his skin. "Yeah, I know. We'll just be sure to offer our babysitting services a lot. We'll just help them out, and keep our own kidmaking on the backburner. It's fine. Really. It's better you get the time to work out your head, and where you're at before we even try."
Rob shifted so he could sit down beside the fire, enjoying the warmth it was already affording. He loved camping, he loved watching the stars, feeling that freedom of the open spaces, the simplicity of it. It wasn't everyone's taste, and he was glad that Leila seemed to be enjoying it. She never complained about being uncomfortable, sleeping in a tent, eating boring food, being in the car for hours. It was just being together, and it was nice. They were really starting to make up for the time they hadn't had together, and even if they had done things a little skewed compared to normal, he didn't care. This was way better than conventional. "It doesn't need to completely go on the backburner," he told her with a smile. "We can talk about it, think about it. Other soldiers have children, they seem to make it work. It ain't something we really talked about before... It's nice."
Leila sat behind him this time, wrapping her arms around her soldier as she rest her chin on his shoulder, and watched the crackling fire as it started to build in intensity. She really didn't have a complaint about this trip. She'd never needed luxuries, and Luke and Andy had made sure she was well versed in camping and 'boy' activities. The stints in the car didn't bother her either, she just watched Rob enjoy being behind the wheel of his other girl. "Okay, so we'll talk. And it is nice. It's definitely nice. I love you."
Rob watched the fire and wet his lips. He glanced over his shoulder to see her face, forehead creased curiously. "Are you sure you would be ready for kids?" he asked her and couldn't help but smirk just a little. Her sitting up behind him like this was turning him on. Obviously, a male anatomy knew when its duties were being discussed. "What changed your feelings on it?"
Leila must have sensed a shift in Rob because her hand started to drift south without her even thinking about it, her fingers resting against the bulge in his pants. "I think I'd be ready for trying. It's not always going to happen instantaneously, is it? Andy and Ali are proof of that. And I think... I don't know. I think I'm just ready to finally give someone everything, including kids. You changed my feelings on it."
Rob shook his head. "No, it doesn't always come easy. Sometimes I assume it does, or the world wouldn't be in such a screwed place with all these teen pregnancies around the place. Then I guess there is always a chance either of us won't be top notch in that area. I mean, I wouldn't know. I've never been tested or anything. Ain't like having a good sperm count makes you a good fighter." He drew in a long breath at her touch. It didn't seem to take much for him to go from a little aroused to full force just knowing she was there. "It's a big thing. I mean, yeah, I'm out at the moment, might not ever go back. But wouldn't it be harder for you with a kid if I did at some point?"
"Definitely a big thing," Leila murmured as she kissed the back of his neck, and she started to rub her hand against his erection. "I don't know if I can have kids, either. Should we get tested, or just leave it? It's not like I've ever needed to try before. Harder? No, I don't think it would be. I'd have them to look after, to make sure they were okay. A piece of you always with me kinda deal."
Rob let his head fall back against her shoulder, exhaling softly when she started to rub him. He put his hand behind him and started to thread his fingers through her long hair. There really had to be something to be said for this sexual healing thing. Since they left on the road trip, they must be notching up a quota of having sex at least three or four times a day. They weren't beholding to anyone, and stopping on the side of the road or making the most of the tent had become second nature to them. He didn't always have the energy for hot, heavy sex, but that's what was nice about it. It didn't always have to be like that. Waking up spooning and then taking her from behind before they even contemplated getting out of bed was often what helped him have the strength to get up some mornings. "You know, knowing our luck, we'd make good on the first shot," he said with a small laugh. "A piece of me that cries, drools, pukes? Still, when you see the way Jamie looks at Ali and Andrew, there's gotta be something amazing in that."
Leila turned her head to press her lips against his throat as her other hand rest against his thigh. They'd managed to fall into an easy rhythm during the trip, and she loved it. She finally felt like they were getting their chance to work out just what their marriage was about. Her hand moved slowly, almost teasingly as she worked on creating friction. She wasn't going to snap open his fly just yet. Not that they were likely to get caught. The camping ground was relatively tired, and they'd had it mostly to themselves today. "We probably would. You are a sniper, after all. Yeah, that kind of a piece of you. Something wrong with that? I think there is. There really is. And when you listen to them talk about her..."
"Oh jeez, darlin'.... you trying to kill me?" Rob asked huskily, unable to fight the urge to push his hips forward and try to invite at least a tighter grip. The soft, teasing touches were driving him crazy. It was true, there wasn't anyone around in close distance to see them. In fact, they could probably fuck right beside the fire and not a single person would pass by. That notion alone piqued in his mind had Rob growling softly with arousal and feeling his dick twitch in his jeans. Sex by the fire, under the stars. It was more than appealing. "You've really been thinking about this, haven't you? It'd be a lot of change... naturally, I'd worry about y'all being alone when... if... I go away again. But you wouldn't be alone, and it ain't like they wouldn't have great aunts and uncles around. What about your work, though? You've already put it on the backburner. Don't you miss it?"
"My photography? Sure, but I could just change course with it. Harri was talking to me a little about some freelance work, and I could always just set up my own studio. Hell, we we buy a house with a garage, or something, and if you don't mind - I could just convert that into a workspace. Put up a cheap wall, paint it white, get some studio lights and stuff." Leila bit down softly on his throat, and flicked open his fly finally so she could slip her hand into his boxer-briefs and wrap her fingers around his cock to stroke him more firmly. "I don't want you dead, I just want you hard. And yeah, I've thought about it a little. Ever since all the babies started popping out amongst our family. Ever since I came back and Luke and Andy have been quizzing me. Ever since I came back and married you."
Rob scrunched his nose up just a little. "What do you mean, if I don't mind? You think I wouldn't? Why would I mind?" But his breath caught in his throat as soon as her fingers were around him and he groaned in pleasure, wondering if it was possible to actually be any harder than he was because when she had him like this, it felt like he never wanted to be satiated. He was selfishly glad that sex drive hadn't been overly affected by his injuries. There had been a possibility it could have, and in the early days it was on some level, but only because he was in too much pain. In fact, when he had spoken to the military psych, one of the first questions she had asked him was whether he was having any problems with sex. He had literally just blinked at her and laughed a little, answering in the negative. Getting blown up wouldn't be enough to stop him wanting his wife as much as he could have her. "You don't worry it might be hard with me all... screwed in the head? That might... there's a chance I'll always be screwed on some level. It's too soon to tell."
"You got your other baby to worry about," Leila murmured as she continued to pay attention to his throat and neck. It was amazing neither of them were permanently black and blue from all the marking. She rubbed her nose against his skin in an Eskimo kiss as she smiled. He always smelled good, tasted good, felt good. There was no way she was ever going to get enough of him, or be able to give him enough. She loved making him come almost as much as she loved sex with him. "You might want to use the garage for your car. Can't just keep it in the driveway, can you? We don't need to do it now. I'm talking about right now... And I know you might always be screwed, so if it's not an idea you're comfortable with then... I mean, not having kids won't be the end of the world. It's not a concrete thing. We just agree to keep talking about it whenever we want to."
"So we get a double garage," Rob murmured with a slight shrug. "I'm not leaving her parked outside. I'll buy an extra bedroom and keep her in there if that's what it comes to." His tongue darted out to wet his lips and he found himself pushing back against her so he could move with a little more ease. Some nights, he was just dumbfounded at how much he had sacrificed with his ex-wife. He had gone for so long without any sort of intimate affection or contact, despite being married. He had convinced himself she really was just tired, or whatever other excuses she fed him. He convinced himself it was him, and that she would want to touch him again at some point. With Leila, it wasn't even in the same realm. She made him realise he wasn't actually a leper in bed, that his cock wasn't so unpleasant to to go near. It seemed shallow, but everything Leila gave him helped him feel alive again and he couldn't help but thrive on it. He couldn't ever get enough. "Truth is, I ain't sure I'll be a good dad..." he told her quietly.
"Well, I could set up in a bedroom. Just figured we wouldn't want strangers tromping in and out... So maybe the car goes in a room. Or we get something with some kinda separate rumpus room. I don't know, let's just check for a house, and then we'll figure out who goes where." Leila tried to make sure her rhythm didn't falter with his last comment as she frowned a little. They'd had deep and meaningfuls while indulging in foreplay before, so it wasn't anything new. "Why not?"
After a moment of thought, Rob nudged his hand down his pants to tuck his fingers around her hand, giving it a small squeeze as he felt her working his cock expertly. He would return it all, without a doubt. He was already thinking of all the ways he wanted to kiss her, touch her. "I ain't real sure. I know that sounds like a cop out. I just look at all the others and ain't sure I got what it takes. I'm really a selfish prick deep down. This whole road trip is proof of that. When the going gets tough, I piss off. Get a lil worried I'll screw a kid up, you know?"
Leila rest her head against his as she moved her free hand to rub his stomach soothingly. "Here's the thing, Littlerock, it's okay being this kind of selfish. It gets you through, and it's about healing. It's also our Honeymoon, and a way for us to get our time together. And if we had a kid you wouldn't be screwing them up. We'd get it. They'd get it... They might even be able to come. I know you can't always plan when you need to get away, but maybe we just need to agree there should be family holidays regularly, and stuff... Whenever you're around to have them. Need them..."
Rob turned his head to look over her face. Some days, he was just still awed she wanted to be married to him, let alone that she was. He had no words to express to her how much it meant to him that she just got him, unconditionally. "I love you, darlin'," he murmured and then shifted a little, slipping his arm around her waist so he could start to kiss her deeply, trying to show her how much she meant to him. As much as sex under the stars by the fire sounded appealing, truth was, anything, anywhere with her would always make him feel like the luckiest guy on earth.
The phone call came through around four o'clock, Luke delivering the news about Aiden and Patrick to Leila who had just paled as she listened, nodding, even if her cousin couldn't see her. The road trip had gone without a hitch until then, and they had taken their time, only making it to Maine so far but deciding to stick here for a few days when they found a gorgeous little camping place with cabins. They didn't need a cabin, though. They found a secluded place by the sprawling lake not far from a small fishing wharf and set the tent up there. There was a town close by for supplies if they needed it and the place just had an addictive tranquillity about it that they weren't ready to move on from yet.
Rob found Leila sitting down on a soft grassy patch by the lake, watching the sun set over the water. He came up behind her and sat down quietly, wrapping his legs around each side of her and hugging his arms around her waist. He rested his chin on her shoulder and softly kissed her neck just below her ear. "You okay, darlin'?" he murmured and started to rub his hand soothing across her stomach. "We can go home if you want, if you think Luke will need you there. It's okay, you know. We've had a lil bit of time away."
Leila leaned back against Rob as she covered his arms with hers, and smiled softly. Truth was after the phone call from Luke she was just suddenly feeling exhausted. Everything seemed to come slamming home again, and she realised just how quickly she could lose someone she cared about. Luke was closer to Aiden and Pat for obvious reasons, but they were still part of the extended family she'd suddenly found herself with, and one of the reasons she hadn't wanted to move back away from Luke, and Andy. She glanced down at her wedding band, and turned her head a little into Rob's kiss.
That was the other thing, she was left with the same cold feeling she'd had the whole time Rob had been gone, and the same unsettled feeling she'd had as soon as she knew he'd been hurt. She gripped his arms a little tighter and let out a shuddering sigh. "No, not really... I don't know. He didn't really say, he just... I don't know. Part of me wants to be selfish and stay away. How horrible is that? I can't even believe I'm even thinking it."
"Well," Rob began, still keeping his arms tucked securely around her, "maybe he just wanted to let you know. I mean, it's a huge thing. You should know about it. Aiden's one of Luke's closest friends, and that just seems to be how the group is. It's better you know than not in case... things took a turn for the worst. I'd wanna know if it was one of my mates, or even a mate of a mate. I don't think it's horrible that you want to stay away. We've had some shit to deal with too, and sometimes you just need to get away. He probably just needed someone to talk to, especially when he said Riley was having a tough time too. He'll be worried about Tab. It's just a domino effect. Did he tell you he wanted you to come home?" he asked, watching the gorgeous view of the lake over her shoulder.
Leila sucked on her bottom lip briefly before she released it with another exhale of breath. "I know. I do. I'd rather know than go home and find out all this shit happened, and we had stayed clueless. I just can't believe it... I thought things were going okay, you know? None of us are ever allowed to be happy for too long. No, he didn't say he wanted me to come home. But I don't know, maybe I should? It sounds like they might be lacking babysitters for the twins, even if I'm still finding my feet with babies. Jamie's been the only one we've really had any exposure to. I know he's worried about Aiden, and Tab. He's got help at the bar, so it's not like that's his main concern."
If Rob had to be entirely honest with himself, it was still too soon after his own accident to want to be hanging around more hospitals. He didn't say that, though. He wanted to support Leila in whatever she needed to do, even if the thought of going back to New York right now set a strange sort of panic thrumming in his gut. But he stayed calm, drawing as much out of the embrace as he was hopefully giving her. "Accidents happen, though. You said Luke mentioned that there was a chance it was the MS, so it was just one of those things. Pat's illness took a sudden turn, and it just turned out badly. I don't know if there is any real answer here, to know what to do or what not to do. Ali and Andrew are there, they'll have help. I ain't trying to talk you out of going back, I'm just saying that they all know why we had to get away and I just... I ain't sure I can go back yet."
Leila shifted a little in the embrace, wanting to curl up against Rob's chest. She could still watch the sun set, she'd just rather lose herself in her husband's comforting arms as well. Her glasses were hooked into the front of her top so she could give her eyes a rest, so all the colours were still blurred anyway. She shut her eyes, and rest her head against Rob's shoulder for a moment. "I'm not asking you to go back. I don't think I can go back. I just... I want time with you. I want it to just be you and me for a while. It's not like we're not here for them. We are, just not in New York, or Princeton." She wrapped her arms around him again, her fingers gripping the back of his shoulder. "I need it to just be us."
Rob nodded slowly and rested his head against hers. He was quiet for a long few moments, lost in his thoughts without his mind really staying in one particular place. "I know you weren't asking, darlin'. I was just trying to think of solutions. But to be honest, I ain't sure Luke was calling you to look for solutions. I think he was just calling you because he's upset and you're his cousin. Sometimes hearing someone's voice is all you need. Just keeping a link. Trust me, I know as well as anyone that sometimes, family just can't always be together. Aiden and Pat both have huge families, and we're part of it now, for sure. I don't think them, or Luke, or anyone would deny us the need to just be doing this right now..." He waved his hand in the direction of the lake, remembering how he was telling Charlie about it and admitting to her he could happily live in a place like this, open with fresh air. "I know there ain't hospitals or life support involved with us no more, but as much as I hate to admit it, I gotta heal too or I'm going to mental. New York ain't a place a guy like me can get better."
Leila lifted her head as she opened her eyes again, and brought her mouth to Rob's to kiss him softly. She couldn't deny that he definitely had a way of keeping her grounded. He had this way of helping her see her own thoughts more clearly. As crazy as it had been to marry him two weeks after they'd met, she couldn't deny she was lucky to have just kept falling in love with him, and find that she was more suited to marriage than she thought. She'd read enough horror stories about quickie marriages, but theirs had worked out. Was still working out. She wouldn't have traded it for anything. "I think he knows he can always call whenever he needs to, that the link is still there, but I know what you mean. I'd rather you didn't go mental, so we're definitely staying out here. We'll go wherever you need to get better."
Rob kissed her back softly and then laughed, looking over her face affectionately. "I'm actually really starting to get used to this place. Crazy, huh? Hardly part way in to the road trip and a tiny part of me wants to just sit here on the edge of this lake forever, buy a fishing rod, lie looking at the stars at night, pretending all that non-happy stuff ain't existing. Shame we have to live in the real world," he joked. "Thinking about it just being us, nothing but the car and the tent and the sleeping bag, maybe a nice fire to sit by at night. Makes me stop and think about life, and how much I ain't ready to check out on it yet. Thinking about thing things I maybe want one day. Just ain't sure no more if the military factors into that. Especially realising a lil earlier that even Mikey might be finally getting his act together."
Leila nodded in agreement as she twisted back to sit between his legs and stare out at the body of water in front of them. "I could do it, too. Never thought I'd feel like just... staying, but here I could. I don't even miss New York. I don't miss the sounds of traffic, I don't miss the grime, I don't miss the buildings, I definitely don't miss the rush of people. Maybe if we win the Lotto or something we could buy a second place here... A getaway just for us," she suggested quietly. "Mike? What makes you think he's getting his act together?"
"I'd like that... wouldn't even need to win the lotto, either," Rob mused quietly. He couldn't believe how much he felt connected to this place. Maybe if they had somewhere to escape to, things might be easier to swallow with his work. "Kinda been thinking about how it would be to own a place with a garden, too. With a porch swing, maybe a big bedroom with huge windows let in the morning sunlight, to just lie there on a Sunday morning, breakfast in bed..." He trailed off and laughed. "Sounds like I got too much time on my hands lately. I was chatting to an old pal from my cadet days, Charlie. She's a sniper too, but she stayed to specialise there and I moved on to Artilliary Tactics, so got transferred to Fort Sill in Oklahama, while Mikey, who also trained with us, went on to the medical side of things. We were all just typical teenagers, grew up through training together. But yeah, she was telling me Mikey pulled her outta bad situation over there. It's been a long, long time since I spoke to her, so I didn't even know she was over there. Turns out, she's had a crush on him since we enlisted."
"Wouldn't?" Leila let her eyes fall closed again, and pictured the house that Rob was describing and let out a soft moan. She could picture every little detail, even how the rooms were decorated. "Always did want a porch swing," she revealed with a laugh. "Just never told anyone because I knew it wasn't possible. Figured porch swings and New York didn't exactly go together. Not to mention I didn't plan on stopping anywhere to buy a house with a porch swing. Things are different now. I want all that... It doesn't sound like you have too much time on your hands. Just sounds like your priorities shifted." She rubbed her hand against his leg. "Okay... so Charlie's been crushing on Mike, and Mike swooped in to be her knight in cammos, and... Did they get it on? Does he secretly love her, too? Is she okay now?"
Rob wet his lips and cleared his throat, clearly hesitating and debating over whether he wanted to say something else on his mind. "I was... thinking. Maybe if I took that training job, get transferred again to Monmouth in New Jersey, we could maybe buy a proper house with a garden. Maybe somewhere halfway between the base and New York where your family are. Then we could be closer to Luke in Princeton too, like a full circle. See, I Googled, Lils showed me Google Maps. It's only about an hour drive from the City to Fort Monmouth, and then an hour again from Princeton to Monmouth. And the base is near the water, we could get a place near water there. We could maybe even still afford a cabin here for holidays. It's just... you know, a thought... maybe." He cleared his throat again, chewing his lip as he drank in the sunset. "No, and Mike's doing his brooding thing. I think. But, I've been trying to get a hold of him and he ain't gotten back in touch, so he could just be well busy. She kissed him, and he kissed her back."
Leila was quiet for a moment as she tried to figure out what Rob's plan meant. "But that would mean an hour commuting for you, are you sure it's what you want? It would have to suck for those five o'clock starts wouldn't it? Are you sure you want to travel that much? I mean, I'm not saying no. Definitely not saying no... In fact, I think maybe I'd really love that. If you're sure. So does that mean you want to take the training job?" She was still wrapping her head around the logistics, but a huge part of her felt like letting out a sigh of relief at knowing that training meant he wasn't anywhere near the frontline. "There's been kissing? Wow... Mike really has been a busy boy. So the broody thing is because he didn't want the kissage?"
Rob shook his head. "No, no... I mean, we could maybe get a place in a town that's midway of them all. Thirty minutes to the base, thirty minutes to Princeton, thirty minutes to New York," he explained. "If you look at the map, all three places are like three points of a triangle. If we get somewhere around the middle, it'll only be a short drive to all of them. I ain't sure about the training job. I ain't real sure about a whole lot right now, but I'm trying to work it out. Right now, I just gotta come to terms with the fact I ain't fit for the frontline. I might not be for a year, two years, five... ever again. It's stupid to try and pretend that ain't happening. Delusion isn't gonna get me anywhere. All it'll do is make our life stuck and strained, and I don't want that. Not at all. But it's either take the training post, seeing to new recruits, or retire. And I like New York, I really do, but maybe in smaller doses. I'm still a country boy, I still need my greener pastures and fresh air. I need to be able to feel free." He gave her a small squeeze, hoping he was at least making some sense in the jumble of thoughts. "Nah, I ain't thinking so. Brooding is probably more needing to process it, and like I said, I think he's been in the thick of it. You ain't got a whole heap of time to brood over there before you're tossed into the next situation."
"Oh, okay. See, I understand now. For a moment I was worried... Thirty minutes isn't so bad, and I like the idea of being between all of it. It's okay if you're not sure about the job, just wanted to know. Can I just be a little bit selfish - again - and say that personally I like the idea of you not being back out on the frontline. I know you're a soldier, but I just... I can't go through what we just went through again. I can't watch you go through that because I'm really not ready to lose you. But if you ever go back... I'd stand by you. Of course I would. It's not the waiting that bothers me. It's the you getting hurt that does, the you getting nearly killed. Which I realise is part of the Army deal, but I never said I'd be logical while being selfish." Leila rubbed her hand over Rob's. He was making all kinds of sense even if she wasn't right then. "I want you to have your greener pastures. I want us both to have them. Besides, it'd be better if we ever got to the point where we were ready for kids. Give them some nature to lose themselves in, and not concrete and glass. Do you think they'll get together? Or as best as people out there can? What about back here on home soil? What's Charlie like?"
Rob fell quiet, taking in her words. When he spoke again, his voice was a little choked up and hoarse. "I'm a soldier, darlin'. That's what I do and I ain't going to promise you that I ain't gonna go back because the minute they give me the greenlight, I... I have to. I would still be there now if that all ain't happened. I..." This was the part where his sound reasoning started to slip and falter, words became harder to find as he struggled to explain it. He felt like he was split equally in two down the middle. Half of him still harboured the fierce loyalty to serve and protect his country, to fight for it, to die for it if that was what it came to. And then the other half of him was terrified. Terrified of losing his life, terrified of dying, terrified of going back there, and that had a yearning to just disappear into a quiet life where he had peace and safety. We're he was happy. It was impossible for his brain to function properly right now, which was a big portion of why he was out on medical leave anyway. At the moment, he was struggling to breach those two sides of him and make any sense of it in his mind. Before he knew what was happening, tears were welling up in his eyes and they spilled over silently. He just wet his lips and looked out at the soothing view. The whole Post-Traumatic thing was hard to live. His emotions would fray and peak at any minute, usually anger, just like when he had exploded at Charlie before he could stop it, or there was this other side where the cold helplessness and sense of loss sat in his gut and made him want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers. Either way, he knew in his heart, he couldn't be on the frontline right now. He was too damaged. He needed to heal. "She's, uh... she's real sweet. Typical country gal. Tough as nails though when she's fighting. You gotta be out there. We were close pals back then, but I didn't even see she was hooked on Mikey. She kept it to herself. But you sacrifice a lot when you're a soldier, and that even starts when you're a cadet. That mindset is pumped into you from day one, screamed in your face over and over until you just wake up one day thinking, living, breathing like a soldier. It's marked on your soul. But I ain't sure what they're gonna do. They might never be on the same home soil together. Charlie's based in Texas for one, Mikey's in Jersey. They ain't anywhere near in the same units, completely different specialties. Same as why I ain't seen either of them til I was moved to New York. I was in Sill at Oklahoma, different unit and specialty all over again. You don't cross paths much. It's why I was so suprised when she was there and I was talking to her, let alone her telling me she hooked up with Mikey."
Leila's fingers slipped in between his as she hugged his arms even tighter around her. Sometimes it didn't feel like she'd get enough of him, like she just needed to be embraced to the point where she was swallowed up by Rob. Especially now when they did have time together. She just wanted to utilise every moment. She heard him getting choked up, and noticed the change in his voice. She turned her head to rest her face against his chest, and breathed in his scent. "I know you're a soldier, I'm just having a stupid moment. I know I can't ask you to stop, and I won't. You just scare the shit out of me sometimes, that's all. I can get along with you gone so long as I just know somewhere deep down that you're as okay as you can be out there. No more explosions. Even if you can't ever promise me that." Leila raised his hand to her mouth and kissed his palm. "I love you. I just get selfish sometimes, that's all. I want as much as you as I can get when you're on home soil. You got ripped away too quickly last time. Doesn't it ever get to the point where you just want something for yourself? To stop sacrificing? Wow, it's like some kinda epic love story. It's just missing Ralph Fiennes, or maybe Henry Cavill as Mikey. But I thought it was just a kiss? Was there actual hooking up?"
Rob had to laugh, loving how Leila could just lift his spirits when he managed to lose a hold of them. "Mikey ain't British, love. Ain't sure they could really pull off his Southern drawl," he said in amusement. "Should I be worried about your fondness for hot English men?" he added teasingly and wrapped his arms more securely around her. "I just meant hooked up as in crossed paths again. It's really been a hell of a long time, I should have asked her what she thought when she first saw him. Mikey's grown up, a lot. He was a scrawny teenager back in those days. He's grown into himself, to say the least. You know the hard part of this all, darlin'? There is a big part of me right now that does just wanna do something for myself. A part of me wants to retire, stop it all, just relax and be me. I just ain't sure it's a bigger part than the soldier in me, and there is a chance that choice could get taken away from me. But if I retire, ain't no military no more. If I stay, take the training post, there still could be a chance they send me back when I'm better. My head feels like it's split into a bunch of different pieces, and that ain't even considering my heart."
"No, they're just usually the ones that wind up playing soldiers in those epic romances," Leila replied as she smiled. "You and your drawl will never have anything to worry about. Oh, that kind of hooked up. Well, now I get it. I still can't see him as a scrawny kid. Are you sure that's what he was? He's just so big... and... Mikey. Can't blame her for wanting to try it on, especially if she loved a scrawny kid and then he comes back as... that." Leila pressed her lips together, and gave a small nod. "I know, love. Just do whatever you think is right. I'll support you. I'll always be by your side."
Rob was quiet again. Doing what he thought was right indicated he had a clue of what was right, and he didn't. And the thinking was starting to make him feel tired again, like curling up in the tent and going to sleep would be a good idea. It was probably why stopping and retiring felt like such a good idea. The tiredness since his ordeal in Afghanistan wasn't easily shaken. It wasn't as bad as it was when he first got back when he would literally sleep away days at a time, but it was still there, and still constantly made itself known often. "He really was, but then... so was I. Now he still kinda makes me look like a scrawny teenager when I stand next to him," he laughed a little but it didn't last long. "I just hope he can find something to make him happy. I think Charlie could, she ain't had no one in awhile either. But I dunno. Mikey does a good job of sabotaging himself when he wants to. Have you spoken to him since he left?"
Leila gave a shake of her head. "No, I haven't. I meant to. Just our time seems to slip away from us even when we're just sitting here." As if to prove her point, the sun dipped below the horizon as the sunset started to come to a finish. "I miss him. He helped me so much while you were gone, I would have been so lost without him. I just wanted him to not feel like he had to be alone. He seems to have this idea that everyone else deserves to be happy before he does... That he shouldn't be with anyone. I don't think that's right. He's got just as much right to fall in love, to be loved, and missed, and cared for."
"I ain't been able to get in touch with him anyway. He's probably out on a tough assignment. You don't get a lot of time to yourself." Rob watched as the last of the sunset slipped away and it got just that little bit darker around them. "Yeah, I owe him. He was still helping me even when I was back and having that weird breakdown. I got used to having him there, so it was hard to say goodbye. Never thought I'd let something like that get to me, but I did. Another reason I was sort of needing to get away for a lil while. He's just a typical Southern guy next door. He ain't wanting to hurt anyone, he can't live with himself when he does. I don't think it helped with his whole outlook on long-distance relationships when he witnessed what you went through with my shit. We should maybe think about getting that fire lit. It's still cold at nights. Ain't gonna do either of us any good to catch a cold."
Leila ran her tongue over her lips before she gave a little shiver in anticipation of the coming cold night. It might have been spring, but the nights were still very cool, and Rob was right about needing the fire. She released his arms reluctantly and gave his leg a pat. "Then you better get moving Mr Army Man. I'm not the one with a billion Scout badges, or whatever the fuck you guys get when you do something awesome. Mike didn't mind helping you. He wanted to, he just felt for you the whole time. He felt like shit when he found out he had to go - he didn't want to abandon you when you did need him." She bit her lip briefly as she turned to look at him. "I know it probably didn't help, but I was hardly going to be able to hold myself together during all that. It helped having him, and it helped having my family. I was lucky."
"Medals..." Rob murmured quietly as he moved to stand up, brushing his jeans off. They wanted to give him medals for bravery in relation to the whole ordeal, but so far, he hadn't made any moves to accept them. He just left New York without giving them an answer. He didn't want to be decorated for it, or reminded of any of it. He moved over to the car and unlocked the trunk to get some things out for starting the fire and making dinner. "Of course he didn't mind. He would die for me if it came to that... I'd die for him. We all know when you get that call, it's just the way it rolls. I just hope they don't keep him too long. He needs rest, and a break. He wouldn't have stayed if he didn't wanna help you, darlin'. He'd die for you too. It just emphasised a lot of his fears. It emphasised all our fears. Until it happens, you ain't ever really stopping to think it could be you one day. Not really. You'd go crazy if you did." He tucked the supplies under his arms and then closed the trunk again.
Leila brought her knees up under her chin now she didn't have Rob to keep her warm, and watched him as she let out a heavy breath. It all reminded her that she did want to check in with Rob, Luke, and Andy. Luke might have called, but she was still thinking about him. She made a mental note to send emails in the morning. Rob had mentioned the medals to her briefly, and she knew better than to press him about that topic. "I don't need him dying for me, I need him coming home. I want to know my boys are safe. I feel like a mother hen who's chicks are suddenly sent off on scary chicken missions, and she doesn't know if they'll come back."
"He ain't coming home yet, love. No sense sticking on it, it'll only make it harder to deal with," Rob advised, as much as he was struggling to follow his own advice. "And that ain't all a safe mindset to be living in with a military family. At risk of sounding like a real prick, which isn't my intention, your family on home soil could use just as much of that motherly hen worry as we could out there. They ain't all having the best of times. Luke's just become an uncle again, too. Mikey's tough and he's amazing at what he does. He'll be fine. Us soldiers out there, we need him."
"I meant them as well," Leila replied as she pushed her fingers through her hair. "They just kinda got lumped into the metaphor. But I know what you mean, and I'm stopping. See? No more worrying. Well, about you two. I'll keep worrying about Luke and maybe Andy. He's all quiet at the moment, so that's either good, or bad. The twins sound like they're doing okay, though. I can't believe all the babies we're suddenly surrounded by. Just reminds you life keeps moving."
Rob nodded and crouched down by the fire that was mostly already built from the night before. He started neatly building more wood around it so he could get it lit again. "They could use some quiet. I'm sure you woulda heard if there was something up. Was he heading to Princeton to be with Luke? Two sets of twins was pretty full on... I think I might be kinda jealous," he murmured with a small laugh. "Despite the shit, they all seem fulfilled, content."
"You want to start a family?" Leila asked him quietly, taking her glasses out of her top now that it was dark so she could see better. Her gaze stayed on his face as she watched his reactions. "I don't know, neither of them said what Andy was doing, but I'm going to assume it's a possibility. The bunch seem pretty good at moving when they need to, and gathering everyone together."
"Isn't Andrew's best pal a paramedic in Princeton now? Evie's sister. If she was involved too, there's probably no question they'd all go to Princeton to help out where they can, even just to make sure things were okay. They're tight, it's how it works. Still means the world to me that Ali brought y'all to see me in the hospital on the day of her wedding." Rob realised he had outright avoided her question initially and he cleared his throat, glancing up at her briefly before he lit the twigs beneath the wood pile and the fire started to spread straight away, crackling softly. "I wouldn't mind, I just don't think it's the best time right now. Everything's so... uncertain."
Leila hummed quietly. "Still means the world to me that she brought me to see you, too. I thought I was going to burst into a puddle of tears. Still don't know that I'll ever repay her enough. She just knew." Leila unfolded so she could move over to Rob, staying on her knees as she kissed him. "I'm ready to have your babies whenever you're ready, Sergeant. My womb is yours. Never thought I'd be ready, but I want kids with you, Littlerock."
Rob rested his head against her forehead, feeling those niggles of emotions trying to rise in him again. "You don't know how much I would love to just say let's go for it right now. Part of that whole peace package, I guess. I just... having Jamie 'round and being involved with your family, it's been an honour to watch it, be part of it. Makes me wonder the what ifs a whole lot, you know?"
Leila kept her hand against his cheek, her thumb rubbing against his skin. "Yeah, I know. We'll just be sure to offer our babysitting services a lot. We'll just help them out, and keep our own kidmaking on the backburner. It's fine. Really. It's better you get the time to work out your head, and where you're at before we even try."
Rob shifted so he could sit down beside the fire, enjoying the warmth it was already affording. He loved camping, he loved watching the stars, feeling that freedom of the open spaces, the simplicity of it. It wasn't everyone's taste, and he was glad that Leila seemed to be enjoying it. She never complained about being uncomfortable, sleeping in a tent, eating boring food, being in the car for hours. It was just being together, and it was nice. They were really starting to make up for the time they hadn't had together, and even if they had done things a little skewed compared to normal, he didn't care. This was way better than conventional. "It doesn't need to completely go on the backburner," he told her with a smile. "We can talk about it, think about it. Other soldiers have children, they seem to make it work. It ain't something we really talked about before... It's nice."
Leila sat behind him this time, wrapping her arms around her soldier as she rest her chin on his shoulder, and watched the crackling fire as it started to build in intensity. She really didn't have a complaint about this trip. She'd never needed luxuries, and Luke and Andy had made sure she was well versed in camping and 'boy' activities. The stints in the car didn't bother her either, she just watched Rob enjoy being behind the wheel of his other girl. "Okay, so we'll talk. And it is nice. It's definitely nice. I love you."
Rob watched the fire and wet his lips. He glanced over his shoulder to see her face, forehead creased curiously. "Are you sure you would be ready for kids?" he asked her and couldn't help but smirk just a little. Her sitting up behind him like this was turning him on. Obviously, a male anatomy knew when its duties were being discussed. "What changed your feelings on it?"
Leila must have sensed a shift in Rob because her hand started to drift south without her even thinking about it, her fingers resting against the bulge in his pants. "I think I'd be ready for trying. It's not always going to happen instantaneously, is it? Andy and Ali are proof of that. And I think... I don't know. I think I'm just ready to finally give someone everything, including kids. You changed my feelings on it."
Rob shook his head. "No, it doesn't always come easy. Sometimes I assume it does, or the world wouldn't be in such a screwed place with all these teen pregnancies around the place. Then I guess there is always a chance either of us won't be top notch in that area. I mean, I wouldn't know. I've never been tested or anything. Ain't like having a good sperm count makes you a good fighter." He drew in a long breath at her touch. It didn't seem to take much for him to go from a little aroused to full force just knowing she was there. "It's a big thing. I mean, yeah, I'm out at the moment, might not ever go back. But wouldn't it be harder for you with a kid if I did at some point?"
"Definitely a big thing," Leila murmured as she kissed the back of his neck, and she started to rub her hand against his erection. "I don't know if I can have kids, either. Should we get tested, or just leave it? It's not like I've ever needed to try before. Harder? No, I don't think it would be. I'd have them to look after, to make sure they were okay. A piece of you always with me kinda deal."
Rob let his head fall back against her shoulder, exhaling softly when she started to rub him. He put his hand behind him and started to thread his fingers through her long hair. There really had to be something to be said for this sexual healing thing. Since they left on the road trip, they must be notching up a quota of having sex at least three or four times a day. They weren't beholding to anyone, and stopping on the side of the road or making the most of the tent had become second nature to them. He didn't always have the energy for hot, heavy sex, but that's what was nice about it. It didn't always have to be like that. Waking up spooning and then taking her from behind before they even contemplated getting out of bed was often what helped him have the strength to get up some mornings. "You know, knowing our luck, we'd make good on the first shot," he said with a small laugh. "A piece of me that cries, drools, pukes? Still, when you see the way Jamie looks at Ali and Andrew, there's gotta be something amazing in that."
Leila turned her head to press her lips against his throat as her other hand rest against his thigh. They'd managed to fall into an easy rhythm during the trip, and she loved it. She finally felt like they were getting their chance to work out just what their marriage was about. Her hand moved slowly, almost teasingly as she worked on creating friction. She wasn't going to snap open his fly just yet. Not that they were likely to get caught. The camping ground was relatively tired, and they'd had it mostly to themselves today. "We probably would. You are a sniper, after all. Yeah, that kind of a piece of you. Something wrong with that? I think there is. There really is. And when you listen to them talk about her..."
"Oh jeez, darlin'.... you trying to kill me?" Rob asked huskily, unable to fight the urge to push his hips forward and try to invite at least a tighter grip. The soft, teasing touches were driving him crazy. It was true, there wasn't anyone around in close distance to see them. In fact, they could probably fuck right beside the fire and not a single person would pass by. That notion alone piqued in his mind had Rob growling softly with arousal and feeling his dick twitch in his jeans. Sex by the fire, under the stars. It was more than appealing. "You've really been thinking about this, haven't you? It'd be a lot of change... naturally, I'd worry about y'all being alone when... if... I go away again. But you wouldn't be alone, and it ain't like they wouldn't have great aunts and uncles around. What about your work, though? You've already put it on the backburner. Don't you miss it?"
"My photography? Sure, but I could just change course with it. Harri was talking to me a little about some freelance work, and I could always just set up my own studio. Hell, we we buy a house with a garage, or something, and if you don't mind - I could just convert that into a workspace. Put up a cheap wall, paint it white, get some studio lights and stuff." Leila bit down softly on his throat, and flicked open his fly finally so she could slip her hand into his boxer-briefs and wrap her fingers around his cock to stroke him more firmly. "I don't want you dead, I just want you hard. And yeah, I've thought about it a little. Ever since all the babies started popping out amongst our family. Ever since I came back and Luke and Andy have been quizzing me. Ever since I came back and married you."
Rob scrunched his nose up just a little. "What do you mean, if I don't mind? You think I wouldn't? Why would I mind?" But his breath caught in his throat as soon as her fingers were around him and he groaned in pleasure, wondering if it was possible to actually be any harder than he was because when she had him like this, it felt like he never wanted to be satiated. He was selfishly glad that sex drive hadn't been overly affected by his injuries. There had been a possibility it could have, and in the early days it was on some level, but only because he was in too much pain. In fact, when he had spoken to the military psych, one of the first questions she had asked him was whether he was having any problems with sex. He had literally just blinked at her and laughed a little, answering in the negative. Getting blown up wouldn't be enough to stop him wanting his wife as much as he could have her. "You don't worry it might be hard with me all... screwed in the head? That might... there's a chance I'll always be screwed on some level. It's too soon to tell."
"You got your other baby to worry about," Leila murmured as she continued to pay attention to his throat and neck. It was amazing neither of them were permanently black and blue from all the marking. She rubbed her nose against his skin in an Eskimo kiss as she smiled. He always smelled good, tasted good, felt good. There was no way she was ever going to get enough of him, or be able to give him enough. She loved making him come almost as much as she loved sex with him. "You might want to use the garage for your car. Can't just keep it in the driveway, can you? We don't need to do it now. I'm talking about right now... And I know you might always be screwed, so if it's not an idea you're comfortable with then... I mean, not having kids won't be the end of the world. It's not a concrete thing. We just agree to keep talking about it whenever we want to."
"So we get a double garage," Rob murmured with a slight shrug. "I'm not leaving her parked outside. I'll buy an extra bedroom and keep her in there if that's what it comes to." His tongue darted out to wet his lips and he found himself pushing back against her so he could move with a little more ease. Some nights, he was just dumbfounded at how much he had sacrificed with his ex-wife. He had gone for so long without any sort of intimate affection or contact, despite being married. He had convinced himself she really was just tired, or whatever other excuses she fed him. He convinced himself it was him, and that she would want to touch him again at some point. With Leila, it wasn't even in the same realm. She made him realise he wasn't actually a leper in bed, that his cock wasn't so unpleasant to to go near. It seemed shallow, but everything Leila gave him helped him feel alive again and he couldn't help but thrive on it. He couldn't ever get enough. "Truth is, I ain't sure I'll be a good dad..." he told her quietly.
"Well, I could set up in a bedroom. Just figured we wouldn't want strangers tromping in and out... So maybe the car goes in a room. Or we get something with some kinda separate rumpus room. I don't know, let's just check for a house, and then we'll figure out who goes where." Leila tried to make sure her rhythm didn't falter with his last comment as she frowned a little. They'd had deep and meaningfuls while indulging in foreplay before, so it wasn't anything new. "Why not?"
After a moment of thought, Rob nudged his hand down his pants to tuck his fingers around her hand, giving it a small squeeze as he felt her working his cock expertly. He would return it all, without a doubt. He was already thinking of all the ways he wanted to kiss her, touch her. "I ain't real sure. I know that sounds like a cop out. I just look at all the others and ain't sure I got what it takes. I'm really a selfish prick deep down. This whole road trip is proof of that. When the going gets tough, I piss off. Get a lil worried I'll screw a kid up, you know?"
Leila rest her head against his as she moved her free hand to rub his stomach soothingly. "Here's the thing, Littlerock, it's okay being this kind of selfish. It gets you through, and it's about healing. It's also our Honeymoon, and a way for us to get our time together. And if we had a kid you wouldn't be screwing them up. We'd get it. They'd get it... They might even be able to come. I know you can't always plan when you need to get away, but maybe we just need to agree there should be family holidays regularly, and stuff... Whenever you're around to have them. Need them..."
Rob turned his head to look over her face. Some days, he was just still awed she wanted to be married to him, let alone that she was. He had no words to express to her how much it meant to him that she just got him, unconditionally. "I love you, darlin'," he murmured and then shifted a little, slipping his arm around her waist so he could start to kiss her deeply, trying to show her how much she meant to him. As much as sex under the stars by the fire sounded appealing, truth was, anything, anywhere with her would always make him feel like the luckiest guy on earth.