(no subject)
on that note, i dropped my hard drive today and now it's dead. um,
i guess there's a lot to say on the matter and the first thing that comes to mind isn't the most important in my mind, or the most relevant to me but here i am in the throes of a technology based tragedy, and oh what great evidence this is to our fragility as a species or something. that was five hundred gigabytes kaput and i'm wondering if this event has somehow been transmitted back to me back in june 2007 when i had a very mysterious feeling of buyers remorse after buying this particular hard drive. that's over two years writing, photography, film, now kaput and ive said to myself that the reason i wasnt completely broken apart by the car theft in sacramento is because i had some stroke of luck deciding at the last minute to get my hard drive out of my car for the night.
i shouldn't be so dramatic, it isn't "broken", its just locked behind a 1600 dollar price tag for data retrieval, which is out of this world, and now event by event i am getting so much more desperate
does anybody know of anyone who wants me to pay me to be me? i will not disappoint I SWEAR
I WILL DO ANYTHING
IS ANYONE OUT THERE
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
i was sitting and reviewing this film thats near complete and loving it and loving myself since i was feeling my hearstrings tugged by it and i wasnt even trying, just look at this wonderful thing, im so glad things are working out finally, and it was in the editing lab during some class and this frat d bag is showing his guns and carchase handycam movie so i turn to be polite and support my fellow filmmaker and my knee catches on the cable and pulls the hard drive onto the ground. goddamn hell of a time for this one film, and what is this curse!
i mean, it's not a "curse" either, it's just that i am building my world on the mistakes i make, and i haven't and cant seem to ever make enough. i have been living my entire life basically without guidance. whether because it wasn't provided for me or because i've refused it, all the important things i've learned i've learned because of something i initiated. a lot of times the initiation is involuntary, and a lot of times it's just a small lesson. but i make so many mistakes, and the mistakes are never too enormous, each one is just as easy to make as the last. the consequences always depend on the context. i've been talking about this for years.
when i was living at sharas house, the deadline was approaching to finalize my application for piney point, and this was on a day i had work at american apparel but had to stop by the silver spring branch to pick up something or other, and i thought that while i was there i could send off this package to piney point then just do the rest of my business. so i wrote the address i needed down on an envelope and tore it in half so it wouldnt take up too much space in my pocket. i put one half in my pocket and the other on the floor and took the metro to silver spring, waited in line at the post office for half an hour, got to the window and pulled out a blank half of an envelope. this was the last day i had before whatever was in that package was due, and i had to be at work in a lot less time than i had. stupid stupid stupid, got back on the metro and ran back to my house, found this simple fucking piece of paper, borrowed my roommates bike, sped to the metro, realized i should have brought a lock, and just left it there kind of hidden in some bushes. it was there when i got back that night but it would have been a perfect griping point about how my habitual mistakes take on terrifying forms based on what's at risk
such as all my creative evidence since the point at which it has started to matter, and a bit before that, too. these are the pitfalls of living in a technology-centric life, and a life based on what i make and not what i do, but this is what i've chosen for myself because this is what works best for me. what a loaded decision it would be to give it all up and choose something simpler. such implications! as a human and a product of nature, i will adapt: i will not carry around my whole body of work when i don't have to. i'll get a 32 gb flash drive and edit directly from that, transferring what's needed to or from my hard drive when i need it. i will no longer have any excuse whatsoever to give talentless soon-to-be hollywood hack wannabes any shred of my precious attention
i guess there's a lot to say on the matter and the first thing that comes to mind isn't the most important in my mind, or the most relevant to me but here i am in the throes of a technology based tragedy, and oh what great evidence this is to our fragility as a species or something. that was five hundred gigabytes kaput and i'm wondering if this event has somehow been transmitted back to me back in june 2007 when i had a very mysterious feeling of buyers remorse after buying this particular hard drive. that's over two years writing, photography, film, now kaput and ive said to myself that the reason i wasnt completely broken apart by the car theft in sacramento is because i had some stroke of luck deciding at the last minute to get my hard drive out of my car for the night.
i shouldn't be so dramatic, it isn't "broken", its just locked behind a 1600 dollar price tag for data retrieval, which is out of this world, and now event by event i am getting so much more desperate
does anybody know of anyone who wants me to pay me to be me? i will not disappoint I SWEAR
I WILL DO ANYTHING
IS ANYONE OUT THERE
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
i was sitting and reviewing this film thats near complete and loving it and loving myself since i was feeling my hearstrings tugged by it and i wasnt even trying, just look at this wonderful thing, im so glad things are working out finally, and it was in the editing lab during some class and this frat d bag is showing his guns and carchase handycam movie so i turn to be polite and support my fellow filmmaker and my knee catches on the cable and pulls the hard drive onto the ground. goddamn hell of a time for this one film, and what is this curse!
i mean, it's not a "curse" either, it's just that i am building my world on the mistakes i make, and i haven't and cant seem to ever make enough. i have been living my entire life basically without guidance. whether because it wasn't provided for me or because i've refused it, all the important things i've learned i've learned because of something i initiated. a lot of times the initiation is involuntary, and a lot of times it's just a small lesson. but i make so many mistakes, and the mistakes are never too enormous, each one is just as easy to make as the last. the consequences always depend on the context. i've been talking about this for years.
when i was living at sharas house, the deadline was approaching to finalize my application for piney point, and this was on a day i had work at american apparel but had to stop by the silver spring branch to pick up something or other, and i thought that while i was there i could send off this package to piney point then just do the rest of my business. so i wrote the address i needed down on an envelope and tore it in half so it wouldnt take up too much space in my pocket. i put one half in my pocket and the other on the floor and took the metro to silver spring, waited in line at the post office for half an hour, got to the window and pulled out a blank half of an envelope. this was the last day i had before whatever was in that package was due, and i had to be at work in a lot less time than i had. stupid stupid stupid, got back on the metro and ran back to my house, found this simple fucking piece of paper, borrowed my roommates bike, sped to the metro, realized i should have brought a lock, and just left it there kind of hidden in some bushes. it was there when i got back that night but it would have been a perfect griping point about how my habitual mistakes take on terrifying forms based on what's at risk
such as all my creative evidence since the point at which it has started to matter, and a bit before that, too. these are the pitfalls of living in a technology-centric life, and a life based on what i make and not what i do, but this is what i've chosen for myself because this is what works best for me. what a loaded decision it would be to give it all up and choose something simpler. such implications! as a human and a product of nature, i will adapt: i will not carry around my whole body of work when i don't have to. i'll get a 32 gb flash drive and edit directly from that, transferring what's needed to or from my hard drive when i need it. i will no longer have any excuse whatsoever to give talentless soon-to-be hollywood hack wannabes any shred of my precious attention