I'm just a nomad...
I thought I'd be more sad today. I'm really, really not.
I realize that many of the moments that have been the most special to me at SCPA were not half as important to the other people involved.
Cest la vie.
Maybe the fact that I don't give a shit about ninety eight percent of the people in my class makes me hateful. And maybe the fact that I don't give a shit about that makes me even more hateful.
I should be happy. Any other high school and I would have dropped out a long time ago. Any other high school and I would not be choosing this career path and I would not have found some of the most amazing people in the universe. Still--- I'm not looking back.
So... "Save ceremony! Save general ceremony!..." Graduation is tomorrow and at this point I'm sick of the ceremonial bullshit. Just mail me my diploma. I'll be at home sipping coffee and reading Viewpoints to make up for the lack-of-explanation and training that SCPA gave me so that I can be prepared for college.
High school aside....
I have made the decision to be ridiculously happy.
There are so many pathetic, insecure people in my life that I've been calling "friend" and that I have been letting influence me.
Well, fuck that.
There are so many people in this world who think I am brilliant and who think I am worth a lot as a person and as an artist.
More importantly, I think I'm a pretty decent person and a pretty decent artist.
Granted, I have work to do. I never ever want to stop growing.
But I swear to God I will call myself a failure the second I start being as pathetic as some of the people I have come in contact with.
I realize that if the people I love are going to hurt me then they will do so and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. But I'm not going to love less or in strange, pre-determined amounts. I must stop fearing the repetition of the bad things in my past or I cannot enjoy my present happiness. Love equates to trust. And more than that, why bother fretting when I am busy being happy with the people I love deeply?
Trust trust trust trust trust trust.
I carry a lot of anger around and I don't know how to express it. My current methods are failing and I just come off as an awkward idiot half the time.
But there is a glimmer of light in my future.
There are amazing people.
Truly amazing people that I adore.
Truly amazing people that I learn from, even if I get angry and cry in the process.
There is the future echo of applause of audiences not yet assembled.
Stage crews and casts not yet formed for shows not yet written.
I hope I'm there in one way or another.
It's my religion. My life. My family.
But some family ties don't bind and need to be broken for the good of the individual.
Love can only be unconditional to the breaking point.
Even God exploded once and a while, and I have no regrets.
I realize that many of the moments that have been the most special to me at SCPA were not half as important to the other people involved.
Cest la vie.
Maybe the fact that I don't give a shit about ninety eight percent of the people in my class makes me hateful. And maybe the fact that I don't give a shit about that makes me even more hateful.
I should be happy. Any other high school and I would have dropped out a long time ago. Any other high school and I would not be choosing this career path and I would not have found some of the most amazing people in the universe. Still--- I'm not looking back.
So... "Save ceremony! Save general ceremony!..." Graduation is tomorrow and at this point I'm sick of the ceremonial bullshit. Just mail me my diploma. I'll be at home sipping coffee and reading Viewpoints to make up for the lack-of-explanation and training that SCPA gave me so that I can be prepared for college.
High school aside....
I have made the decision to be ridiculously happy.
There are so many pathetic, insecure people in my life that I've been calling "friend" and that I have been letting influence me.
Well, fuck that.
There are so many people in this world who think I am brilliant and who think I am worth a lot as a person and as an artist.
More importantly, I think I'm a pretty decent person and a pretty decent artist.
Granted, I have work to do. I never ever want to stop growing.
But I swear to God I will call myself a failure the second I start being as pathetic as some of the people I have come in contact with.
I realize that if the people I love are going to hurt me then they will do so and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. But I'm not going to love less or in strange, pre-determined amounts. I must stop fearing the repetition of the bad things in my past or I cannot enjoy my present happiness. Love equates to trust. And more than that, why bother fretting when I am busy being happy with the people I love deeply?
Trust trust trust trust trust trust.
I carry a lot of anger around and I don't know how to express it. My current methods are failing and I just come off as an awkward idiot half the time.
But there is a glimmer of light in my future.
There are amazing people.
Truly amazing people that I adore.
Truly amazing people that I learn from, even if I get angry and cry in the process.
There is the future echo of applause of audiences not yet assembled.
Stage crews and casts not yet formed for shows not yet written.
I hope I'm there in one way or another.
It's my religion. My life. My family.
But some family ties don't bind and need to be broken for the good of the individual.
Love can only be unconditional to the breaking point.
Even God exploded once and a while, and I have no regrets.