(no subject)
It's ironic that I need to come to a place that holds a cocophony of sounds to think and study; A powerful voice speaks over strong cords as one person after another orders their speciality drink. A half empty black coffee staring at me I wonder just what it all means today, the relationships I hold, the ones I want to develop but I'm too scared to. I have everything to lose and I choose to let it slip bye, I always have. I'm better now then I was, but I reflect constantly. I wonder what could've been if I had more confidence back n the day, and if I cared what most people thought of me now.
I got annoyed today when a girl at the bus stop almost brokedown into tears because people called her an overachiever. It struck me as odd, because it was very clear that the person had it in them, so they wern't over acheiving so much as living up to their potential...atleast in that regards. So after making the choice to do what they could to improve they felt betrayed that their pieres called them an over achiever.
So back to the point then....what do I care about people...it's clear there are some I do care about, those that I develope relations with or connect well with, so after that, I let them die often, and the ones I maintain lose their meaning as both I and the other people change and lose contact. I find every flaw in people that will cahse me away from them. I don't know weather it's to proetct myself form their rejection or what. I hate to see the day I don't get something I don't actually want but for now, that hasn't happend so no fear. I've been struggling to find my outlet, I've figured out a few things that it's not, but I can't seem to figure out what it is; perhaps people but there's such a lack of peopel to talk to everyone pre-occupied with their thins, which is fine, I don't expect people to make sacrafises for me, truth be told, no one likes the martyr except the martyr themselves. So what is it then that I'm sacrafising that drives poeple away? Or am I driving people away because no one will rally around my cause? Does it even matter? Is my existence hacknyed, I keep expecting god to step out of the sky, tell me I've wonl that congratulations we were just his first test in artifical intellegence, that I am nothing more then a play thing. But you would think that god doesn't need toys....a being so powerful would have no use for entertainment, for needing to be entertained is simply a human flaw, and while we're based is gods image we're clearly not god. Unless of course, we are that we made god in our image that my control is everything...one strong personality afterall can control the world, I've been controling mine for years, playing with what amuses me until it's lost it's value, til I find an upgrade the perpetual serach for my peer, my intellectual equal who naturally will be so disgusted and finding a person as strong willed and boring as them as they will lack all the social skills I lack that the clear choice would be self destruction over happyness....I mean what is the point of being happy if there is no unhappy, what a boring existence. Things would lose their meaning, veing jaded is not a blessed thing, but then again neither is hero worshiping.
So then, I've found a rough match...what does it mean, when i'ts clear nothing will come of it does it even matter? do you take it for what it is or demand more. Who am I to deamnd anything....what does it mean to demand. When I make demands it's for the sake of amusement, it's to see who has a backbone, but...do I even have that backbone, the absurdity of me making demands; laughable, I know how to play the game, I've mastered it, that's clear by my own games invention, it's all about knowing how to play you don't need any skill. So if existence is so laughable, what's the point of it? If the relationships pass the time, what's the point of time, a novel concept to give discriptions.
I'm sick of not controling it all, I'm sick of having all of this bullshit fake stuff surround me, UWM has nothing to offer except that Piece of paper that ensures that I will be privlidged enough to do a few more enjoyable things with my life then I would otherwise be able to do.
There's no point to this journal, it's my own pat on my back, it's my way of reminding myself that I think I'm better then people, that my thoughts are valuable and always will be; god a minds a horrible tings to waste....So is a canvas though...anything with potential. I think that would be my artist as a artist if I became one, I would take a canvas, throw out every convention, and put the most atrocious images or rather lack there of in the most unastehtic colors I could find, it would be a statement of the waste of potential that you see everyday. But isn't that how society works? You need everythin, without someone else making my food for minimum wage I would be forced to use my time to cook for myself; ha what a waste. What's it matter anyways, I stoped enjoying food a long time ago, I don't eat, I consume, for nothing more then the anamalistic need of having energy I don't care what it tastes like, I consume and move on.
I'm thinking of stephani's smoking, she said it was her own bad habit...me i prefer sloth and gluttany ans my sins, I eat and I sleep, it's calms my thoughts, thoughts that will never reach their potential because just as in the onthological arguement in order for something to be powerful, it has to exist, a Thought in the mind is worht nothing, you might as well be braindead unless it gets out somewhere.
control a, backspace.
need more coffee.
I got annoyed today when a girl at the bus stop almost brokedown into tears because people called her an overachiever. It struck me as odd, because it was very clear that the person had it in them, so they wern't over acheiving so much as living up to their potential...atleast in that regards. So after making the choice to do what they could to improve they felt betrayed that their pieres called them an over achiever.
So back to the point then....what do I care about people...it's clear there are some I do care about, those that I develope relations with or connect well with, so after that, I let them die often, and the ones I maintain lose their meaning as both I and the other people change and lose contact. I find every flaw in people that will cahse me away from them. I don't know weather it's to proetct myself form their rejection or what. I hate to see the day I don't get something I don't actually want but for now, that hasn't happend so no fear. I've been struggling to find my outlet, I've figured out a few things that it's not, but I can't seem to figure out what it is; perhaps people but there's such a lack of peopel to talk to everyone pre-occupied with their thins, which is fine, I don't expect people to make sacrafises for me, truth be told, no one likes the martyr except the martyr themselves. So what is it then that I'm sacrafising that drives poeple away? Or am I driving people away because no one will rally around my cause? Does it even matter? Is my existence hacknyed, I keep expecting god to step out of the sky, tell me I've wonl that congratulations we were just his first test in artifical intellegence, that I am nothing more then a play thing. But you would think that god doesn't need toys....a being so powerful would have no use for entertainment, for needing to be entertained is simply a human flaw, and while we're based is gods image we're clearly not god. Unless of course, we are that we made god in our image that my control is everything...one strong personality afterall can control the world, I've been controling mine for years, playing with what amuses me until it's lost it's value, til I find an upgrade the perpetual serach for my peer, my intellectual equal who naturally will be so disgusted and finding a person as strong willed and boring as them as they will lack all the social skills I lack that the clear choice would be self destruction over happyness....I mean what is the point of being happy if there is no unhappy, what a boring existence. Things would lose their meaning, veing jaded is not a blessed thing, but then again neither is hero worshiping.
So then, I've found a rough match...what does it mean, when i'ts clear nothing will come of it does it even matter? do you take it for what it is or demand more. Who am I to deamnd anything....what does it mean to demand. When I make demands it's for the sake of amusement, it's to see who has a backbone, but...do I even have that backbone, the absurdity of me making demands; laughable, I know how to play the game, I've mastered it, that's clear by my own games invention, it's all about knowing how to play you don't need any skill. So if existence is so laughable, what's the point of it? If the relationships pass the time, what's the point of time, a novel concept to give discriptions.
I'm sick of not controling it all, I'm sick of having all of this bullshit fake stuff surround me, UWM has nothing to offer except that Piece of paper that ensures that I will be privlidged enough to do a few more enjoyable things with my life then I would otherwise be able to do.
There's no point to this journal, it's my own pat on my back, it's my way of reminding myself that I think I'm better then people, that my thoughts are valuable and always will be; god a minds a horrible tings to waste....So is a canvas though...anything with potential. I think that would be my artist as a artist if I became one, I would take a canvas, throw out every convention, and put the most atrocious images or rather lack there of in the most unastehtic colors I could find, it would be a statement of the waste of potential that you see everyday. But isn't that how society works? You need everythin, without someone else making my food for minimum wage I would be forced to use my time to cook for myself; ha what a waste. What's it matter anyways, I stoped enjoying food a long time ago, I don't eat, I consume, for nothing more then the anamalistic need of having energy I don't care what it tastes like, I consume and move on.
I'm thinking of stephani's smoking, she said it was her own bad habit...me i prefer sloth and gluttany ans my sins, I eat and I sleep, it's calms my thoughts, thoughts that will never reach their potential because just as in the onthological arguement in order for something to be powerful, it has to exist, a Thought in the mind is worht nothing, you might as well be braindead unless it gets out somewhere.
control a, backspace.
need more coffee.