36 hours on the road...and you didn't expect this?
So much going on in my head right now. I've been thinking about why it is I have such problems with the AR/AO work that's being done and I figured out why it leaves such a bitter taste in my mouth. The whole process is attempting to get everyone to subscribe to the beliefs that would create the most happiness/good (utilitarianism) which is a very noble thing, the hapiness that is sacrafised for this gain comes from the people that have had the most in the past (caucaisians) as a result it's not a huge deal, and everyone moves on happily. However I personaly think this is crap, I feel that any action that is in the distaste of any group (assuming that this group doesn't go against moral values etc like i don't really care how happy the kkk is) is bad, it's a pretty simple system, just a simple disagreement, that will continue to get way blown out of preportion. Such is life I suppose.
I spent alot of time on my drives away from home thinking about what my friendships meant to me; I figured they gave me my reason to live...I couldn't figure out why that was important though.
Thought about the idea of free will vs fate. I can somewhat understand the justification of fate if you beleave in a god like figure that can control stuff, but I'm still a huge bealver of you have choices, you can do anything you want, other people make choices they can do anything they want, the only conflict comes when those run into eachother or try to defy physics. I however got very upset with a friend who subscribes to fate, but just uses the logic, you can't change the past what makes you think you can change the future. It's frustrating, becuase i'm not going to try to change his mind, but it's gonna eat at me every time i see him, I have absolutely no respect for the people that are apathetic in that sence.
I spent alot of time thinking about my own apathy, about how I can't express myself that i'm scared about how other people will judge me. Of the people that i know i'm probably the most into sports, but at the same time, you take me to a sporting event and i wont' do anything but sit back and enjoy it, I just don't express myself in anyway shape or form around other people and if i do i just sit around giggling nerviously. I do however dance and enjoy myself alone in my car. I protect myself emotionally too, if you dont' feel you can't get hurt, it's funny how i used to embrace it so much I loved the fact that I could take the abuse from my peers and anything else life threw at me and just take it in stride. Now it's the complete bane of my existence, I'd give anything to just crumble again, but whatever.
I thought about how I constantly feel like i'm a victem and about if that's a justifiable feeling or not and what caused it...it's a very hard thing to deal with when something wonderful happens and you keep looking for a way to make it look like you got taken advantage of...but at the same time, I have been taken advantage of alot in the past so it seems as though i've succumb to habit and instead of taking people at face value, i look for intentions and i try to find every which way they can use me and hammer it out to make it so it's true that htis happend for this reason.
I thought some more about friends, about the people i can't let go of for some reason, the people that i get a chill or tingly feeling about but still can't feel anything for them, and decided perhaps that's why i live for them, and that's enough.
I thought about how well the album laid by james could describe moments of my trip, with a few exceptions about the songs.
I thought about how i need to do this again as being around people is the only time my mind isn't actively gearing everything out where i don't think of every move, where i just act and react and dont' over analize it all.
Overall the trip was great,
I started out seeing maya in champaign and it was nice to catch up with her even though at times i sorta got annoyed, but that's just a difference in how i was raised i think.
woke up and drove to st. louis, hung out with dave, called marcus too much, hung out with wierd robotics club people slept woke up hung out with dave and his girlfriend, watched a documentry on the kkk, hung out with marcus had fun, talked for awhile enjoyed it even if it was about st. louis public schools, got to eat at the st. louis dinner with rikki marcus and dave...i like my diner here better but it works, myke joined in for conversation later.
woke up again drive to kansas city, see courtney she's sick but we sit around and talk, it was great, then i slept on her couch, woke up we starewd at eachother but didn't really talk cause niether of us like mornings.
drive to lincoln, sit with my sister at the coffee house (which is wehre i could happily spend the rest of my life) we actually had a real conversation in the first time in forever, then people from my past sorta came in and out, people from elementry school, middle school etc. I ended up spending most of my evening with two friends from elementry school i've been catching up with as well as a person i used to go to church with and someone i met not to long ago. went to my sisters to sleep we ended up staying up, talking about our family, I don't think i'll ever be able to forigve my dad not any time soon anyways. we watched family guy and laughed, it was nice, it's nice feeling some attachment to family.
drove to denver, go to a rodeo, get drunk with jonny and sera, gossip. next day, go to church, wasn't overly impressed, but meh not my home church, go shopping, drink bawls, jonny calls, he forgot it all, hang out with sera watcha movie and stuff jonny called he forgot all the gossip *tear*. wake up read e-mail make bed play with dog, hang out with my uncle and his wife, enjoy their company, enjoy food, talked more about family and life and stuff, uncle complains about being tired like 50 times i take the clue and leave. sleep wake up drive to lincoln
on the way to lincoln, two big figures get ahold of me one way or another, greg called as i was getting in town, we go out to food and reconnect, he was my best friend in middle school, it's probably been 3 years since we've spoken really, we hit it off great, we're gonna try to keep in touch, run away from him for awhile to get coffee at the coffee house, isaha comes by (guy from elementry school) we chat, sister comes in she complains about her day we chat, sophia comes in, we chat...I think at some point in the past i fell in love with her and never realized it, because i'm very defensive about our friendship and just keeping in touch with her, in a way i'm not usually like...it's odd but she's just an amazing person. sleep at gregs after playing video games with him for awhile
wake up and drive to milwaukee. moms sick when i get home we chat a bit then i go back to my basement and catch up with online friends.
today i'm at work, i stoped doing stuff an hour before i got done here though i'm a slacker and have no job security, what the hell do i care.
anyways here's too tommorow
I spent alot of time on my drives away from home thinking about what my friendships meant to me; I figured they gave me my reason to live...I couldn't figure out why that was important though.
Thought about the idea of free will vs fate. I can somewhat understand the justification of fate if you beleave in a god like figure that can control stuff, but I'm still a huge bealver of you have choices, you can do anything you want, other people make choices they can do anything they want, the only conflict comes when those run into eachother or try to defy physics. I however got very upset with a friend who subscribes to fate, but just uses the logic, you can't change the past what makes you think you can change the future. It's frustrating, becuase i'm not going to try to change his mind, but it's gonna eat at me every time i see him, I have absolutely no respect for the people that are apathetic in that sence.
I spent alot of time thinking about my own apathy, about how I can't express myself that i'm scared about how other people will judge me. Of the people that i know i'm probably the most into sports, but at the same time, you take me to a sporting event and i wont' do anything but sit back and enjoy it, I just don't express myself in anyway shape or form around other people and if i do i just sit around giggling nerviously. I do however dance and enjoy myself alone in my car. I protect myself emotionally too, if you dont' feel you can't get hurt, it's funny how i used to embrace it so much I loved the fact that I could take the abuse from my peers and anything else life threw at me and just take it in stride. Now it's the complete bane of my existence, I'd give anything to just crumble again, but whatever.
I thought about how I constantly feel like i'm a victem and about if that's a justifiable feeling or not and what caused it...it's a very hard thing to deal with when something wonderful happens and you keep looking for a way to make it look like you got taken advantage of...but at the same time, I have been taken advantage of alot in the past so it seems as though i've succumb to habit and instead of taking people at face value, i look for intentions and i try to find every which way they can use me and hammer it out to make it so it's true that htis happend for this reason.
I thought some more about friends, about the people i can't let go of for some reason, the people that i get a chill or tingly feeling about but still can't feel anything for them, and decided perhaps that's why i live for them, and that's enough.
I thought about how well the album laid by james could describe moments of my trip, with a few exceptions about the songs.
I thought about how i need to do this again as being around people is the only time my mind isn't actively gearing everything out where i don't think of every move, where i just act and react and dont' over analize it all.
Overall the trip was great,
I started out seeing maya in champaign and it was nice to catch up with her even though at times i sorta got annoyed, but that's just a difference in how i was raised i think.
woke up and drove to st. louis, hung out with dave, called marcus too much, hung out with wierd robotics club people slept woke up hung out with dave and his girlfriend, watched a documentry on the kkk, hung out with marcus had fun, talked for awhile enjoyed it even if it was about st. louis public schools, got to eat at the st. louis dinner with rikki marcus and dave...i like my diner here better but it works, myke joined in for conversation later.
woke up again drive to kansas city, see courtney she's sick but we sit around and talk, it was great, then i slept on her couch, woke up we starewd at eachother but didn't really talk cause niether of us like mornings.
drive to lincoln, sit with my sister at the coffee house (which is wehre i could happily spend the rest of my life) we actually had a real conversation in the first time in forever, then people from my past sorta came in and out, people from elementry school, middle school etc. I ended up spending most of my evening with two friends from elementry school i've been catching up with as well as a person i used to go to church with and someone i met not to long ago. went to my sisters to sleep we ended up staying up, talking about our family, I don't think i'll ever be able to forigve my dad not any time soon anyways. we watched family guy and laughed, it was nice, it's nice feeling some attachment to family.
drove to denver, go to a rodeo, get drunk with jonny and sera, gossip. next day, go to church, wasn't overly impressed, but meh not my home church, go shopping, drink bawls, jonny calls, he forgot it all, hang out with sera watcha movie and stuff jonny called he forgot all the gossip *tear*. wake up read e-mail make bed play with dog, hang out with my uncle and his wife, enjoy their company, enjoy food, talked more about family and life and stuff, uncle complains about being tired like 50 times i take the clue and leave. sleep wake up drive to lincoln
on the way to lincoln, two big figures get ahold of me one way or another, greg called as i was getting in town, we go out to food and reconnect, he was my best friend in middle school, it's probably been 3 years since we've spoken really, we hit it off great, we're gonna try to keep in touch, run away from him for awhile to get coffee at the coffee house, isaha comes by (guy from elementry school) we chat, sister comes in she complains about her day we chat, sophia comes in, we chat...I think at some point in the past i fell in love with her and never realized it, because i'm very defensive about our friendship and just keeping in touch with her, in a way i'm not usually like...it's odd but she's just an amazing person. sleep at gregs after playing video games with him for awhile
wake up and drive to milwaukee. moms sick when i get home we chat a bit then i go back to my basement and catch up with online friends.
today i'm at work, i stoped doing stuff an hour before i got done here though i'm a slacker and have no job security, what the hell do i care.
anyways here's too tommorow