Fic: Drama Is Not Subjective - Entourage/CW RPF, R, Gen, Humor, Friendship, Jensen, Johnny & Misha
So, over the Christmas holidays I set out to write a bunch of fics for people in my Real Life. Not all of them are done (hi, hiyacynth, it's turned into a whole thing). But this is the first one of the stack that I wrote. And liptonrm was poking me today over the phone to post this already (I am the most lazy-ass fic poster ever, I swear).
Anyway - Entourage/CW RPF fic! The excellent way in which CW RPF could be crossed-over with Entourage was all liptonrm's idea and she kept mentioning it until I wrote it. For which I am grateful because writing Johnny Drama was the most fun ever!
Johnny Drama hates that Jensen Ackles dude. The feeling is mutual. With some Johnny & Misha friendship. Also, Turtle gets a girl. Rated R for Entourage-style cussing. 5,358 words.
Title: Drama Is Not Subjective
Author: The Artful Dodger / dodger_sister
Fandom: CW RPF/Entourage
Category: Crossover, Friendship, General, Humor
Characters/Pairing: Johnny, Jensen & Misha with Turtle, Eric, Vincent, Jared, Danneel, Genevieve, Jessica Alba and Valarie Rae Miller
Rating: R (for language)
Warnings: Adult Language (it’s Entourage, people).
Spoilers: Plot points on Supernatural for season three and onwards.
Summary: Johnny Drama hates that Jensen Ackles dude. The feeling is mutual.
Word Count: 5,358 words
Date Written: Dec, 2010
Disclaimer: “Entourage” belongs to Doug Ellin & HBO. “Supernatural” belongs to Eric Kripke & The CW. This story belongs to me. None of us make money on this fic.
Feedback: Bring it. dodger_sister / TheArtofDodger@comcast.net
Beta’d: Nope.
Author's Notes: So, <"lj user="liptonrm"> has been saying for months, months, that Entourage and CW RPS makes like the most sense ever. She is not wrong. We discussed the many ways in which they would cross paths, especially the easy use of Jessica Alba in making this happen. We also discussed how Johnny’s career is so soaked in genre TV, as is Jensen’s - thus leading to the inevitable conclusion that Johnny would secretly envy Jensen’s career. And totally hate that guy. The original concept was that Johnny hates Jensen and Jensen has no fucking clue who the hell Johnny is - but as in all things, Misha showed up and changed everything around on me. Anyway, liptonrm promised me some Rufus & Bobby are bestest best friends fic, if I delivered on this. So…when shall I be expecting my return?
Dedication: <“lj user=“liptonrm”>, Clearly all it took was months of you cattle-prodding me and watching an entire Entourage marathon - (oh the awful things I do for you, like watching my boyfriend and his boyfriend and those other guys for hours on end, oh lo) - and then I finally, finally, found the right voice for this. It’s not exactly what we talked about, but I hope you like it. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I love you.
Johnny tapped his foot against the rung of the barstool at the kitchen counter. He’d been dressed for an hour already. Leave it to Turtle to wait until the last second to decide what to wear.
“How do I look?” his friend asked, coming into the room and spinning in place.
Honestly, Drama thought it was the exact same outfit he’d been wearing all damn day.
“Blue suits you, baby,” he replied.
Turtle grinned and grabbed the keys to the Hummer.
“Vince! E! The bus leaves in t-minus 60 seconds! Move your pretty little asses!” Turtle hollered back into the house and then strode out of the room.
Drama followed after him.
***
Parties at Alba’s house were always off the hook. Since she had started doing those makeup commercials, they were usually stacked with some extra eye-candy too.
Johnny followed Vince through the door, scanned the room for anyone they might get cornered by with shop talk. Vince liked to leave the call sheets at the door, after all.
“Dude,” Turtle said and whacked him in the arm. “Check out the hottie with Jess.”
Turtle nodded towards the back of the room, where Jessica Alba was standing with a caramel-skinned beauty practically draped off of her.
“Let’s go say hi,” Turtle said and reached forward to tug on Vince’s arm. “Come on man, it’s rude not too. E, tell him.”
“She is so out of your league,” Vince said, but draped his arm around Turtle and dragged the shorter man in Jessica’s direction.
“Jess!” Eric said, as they approached the party hostess. “You look amazing. As always,” and he leaned in to kiss her cheek.
“Eric,” she said and then towards the other guys, “Vinny, Turtle and Drama. Still attached at the hips I see,” but she was smiling at them as she said it.
Vincent greeted her with a half-hug, then turned towards the other woman and smiled politely. “Hi, I’m Vince.”
“Valarie Rae,” she said and offered him her hand.
“This,” Vincent said in a not-so-subtle way, “is my boy, Turtle.”
Johnny marveled at the way Turtle actually blushed.
“Nice to meet you, sweetheart,” Turtle said and offered her his hand, while trying to casually scope her out.
“Ignore Vince,” Johnny offered, leaning slightly over Turtle’s back. “He thinks he’s being helpful, but he’s just a jackass.”
“As opposed to you, the pillar of goodwill?” Valarie asked and slapped his shoulder. “Good to see you, Drama.”
“Val.”
Vincent had crossed his arms on his chest and was glaring at Johnny. “You might have seniority at the family table, but out here, I can still kick your ass,” he said with half a pout.
Johnny grinned. “You keep telling yourself that, bro.’
Johnny felt light and easy and ready for the night.
Right up until the moment a familiar voice rang out through the crowd.
“Vincent Chase!”
And then he was there, draping himself across Valarie’s back, all shining smile and big green eyes.
The bane of Johnny Drama’s existence.
Jensen Fucking Ackles.
***
“Hey, Drama,” Turtle said and slapped Johnny’s arm.
Johnny was very busy glaring across the room at one Jensen Ackles, who was doing shots at the bar with Vince - Johnny’s own fucking brother for Christ sake - like they’d been best buds since grade school or some shit.
Even though they had only met like once at some red carpet thing that Vince had been paid to be at. Which just totally proved Johnny’s point that Ackles was a douchebag and a hanger-on.
“Dude!” Turtle hollered and flicked him in the side of the head. “Snap the fuck out of it, Drama. We are at a kickin’ party and there are hotties everywhere. So stop staring at Jensen Ackles like you are going fuck through him with your eyes and pay the fuck attention here.”
“Bitch,” Drama muttered. “Nobody at this table wants to fuck Jensen Ackles with jackshit. Right?” Johnny said and turned to Turtle with one raised eyebrow.
“That’s right,’ Turtle assured him. “I am totally onboard the hate-train. Now…tell me about the chick.”
Johnny looked over and saw Valarie perched on the edge of the bar, leaning casually over Jensen’s back, laughing at something Vince was saying.
Okay, so it wasn’t like Johnny had never noticed that she was a total hottie.
“She’s cool,” he told Turtle. “She’s smart and funny. Good taste in music. Good taste in cars. Never slept with me, so poor taste in men, obviously,” and Johnny grinned over at his friend. “Which kind of makes her perfect for you.”
“Fuck you, Drama,” Turtle said but he was mostly trying to casually eye Val over his glass.
“I mean, she clearly has no taste whatsoever, if she hangs out with Fuckles over there.”
“That was good. I liked that.”
“Thanks, man.” Johnny looked up to see Vince and Eric headed their way.
Vincent looked like he was pleasantly buzzed already. “Dude, Johnny,” he said when he reached the table. “It’s a mother fucking party. Why do you look like someone just died?”
“He’s hatin’ on Jensen right now,” Turtle supplied.
“What’s up with that, Drama?” Eric asked. “You’ve been giving him the skank eye all night.”
“Yeah, man, you’re starting to hurt his feelings,” Vincent said teasingly.
“Oh! Oh,” Johnny cried out. “I’m hurting his feelings! Oh heavens, no!”
“Dude, seriously, what did Jensen ever do to you?” Eric asked.
Vince laughed. “He took some roles from Johnny.”
“Ten roles, Vince. Ten roles.”
“So?” Eric said and sipped his beer. “How many more have you gotten besides those ten? Anyway, it’s probably just because you have like a decade in age on the guy. Hollywood likes ‘em young, Drama.”
“Also, ‘cause he’s better looking than you,” Turtle added.
“Oh, you know what?” Johnny said. “Screw off, Turtle. Just for that, I’m going over to tap up on Valarie.”
“Wait, what?” Turtle cried.
“You should have been more supportive of my perfectly reasonable hatred of Jensen Fucking Ackles,” Johnny said and pushed away from the table.
“No fair! Come on, Drama!” Turtle cried but Johnny just kept walking.
Valarie was still perched on the edge of the bar, Jensen next to her, one hand resting on her thigh.
Johnny nodded at him, because he wasn’t a total asshole and then grinned up at Val. She leaned down the few inches separating them and kissed his cheek.
“Hey, darling,” he drawled and so sue him if his voice dropped an octave. “You know my friend over there?”
When Valarie started to lean over to get a better look at Turtle, Johnny grabbed a hold of her hips, pushing Jensen’s hand out of the way, and stepped in between her legs. “Don’t look, don’t look.”
“Okay,” she said and shook her head. “I won’t look. What about him?”
“He said you were the most gorgeous creature he’s ever fucking seen in his life. And he was asking about you.”
“Yeah?” Valarie said and she looked interested enough. “What’s he like?”
Johnny shrugged. “Alright, well, I’ll tell you, but if you repeat this to him like ever, I will deny it and then disown you. Alright?”
Valarie threw her head back in a full-on laugh that bubbled up out of her chest. “Yeah, alright, Johnny.”
“He’s smart. Guy can get you anything. I don’t know how he does it, but if you want it, Turtle can get it. He’s funny as hell too. He’s pretty much the best friend I’ve ever had. Loyal as fuck. Once you are in with Turtle, he will have your back no matter what boneheaded thing you have gotten yourself into.”
“Speaking from experience?” Jensen asked from Valarie’s other side.
Johnny ignored him, mostly he felt this was because he was the bigger man here and wouldn’t be goaded.
“He seeing anyone?” Valarie asked and leaned forward to wrap her arms around Johnny’s neck and get a good look at Turtle while she did so.
“Nope. He’s a free agent, darling.”
“He’s cute,” Valarie said as she pulled back from Johnny’s embrace. “But why does he look all constipated?”
Johnny chuckled. “Probably because he thinks I’m over here making a move on you right now.”
Valarie smiled and leaned down, whispered her breath across Johnny’s lips. “As if you ever stood a chance, Drama,” she said and then pressed her lips to his, soft and lazy.
Then she was sliding down off the bar, Johnny bracing her while she did.
“You boys behave,” she said and Johnny turned just enough to watch her saunter over in Turtle’s direction.
Never let it be said that Johnny Drama wasn’t a good friend.
Then he had nothing to do but stand there and stare at Jensen.
“So, you haven’t had steady work for a while now, Drama-Queen,” Jensen said conversationally. “You started doing gay porn yet?”
“Oh. You know what, Ackles?” Johnny said and curled his lip up at Jensen. “Why don’t you go fuck your Angel some more, you fucking douche-nozzle.”
Jensen just raised his eyebrows. “You watch the show, Drama?”
“Just the episodes when you die, fucktard,” Johnny said and strode away.
“Yeah, well, that’s like every fucking episode, you prick!” Jensen shouted after him.
Johnny just flipped him off with both hands.
***
Comic Con was going to be wicked this year. Johnny had a whole table to himself.
Well, okay, nobody else from Viking Quest had signed up, but since Vince had to be there anyway, Johnny had figured why the fuck not.
Plus, he’d never had his own table before.
Of course, no one bothered to show him the layout until he got there.
“You’re scaring off the fans, man,” Turtle said and poked Johnny in the face. “Try to smile.”
“He’s right fucking there,” Johnny said through his teeth and grinned up at the very mature woman who was putting an autograph down in front of him.
“Yeah, but he doesn’t have his own table,” Turtle said and Drama maybe smiled a little bit real for a second.
Then some high pitched giggle came from across the aisle and Johnny looked up to see some foxy brunette with excessive cleavage doing the worst fake laugh ever and totally shoving her chest out at him.
At him.
Jensen Fucking Ackles.
And dammit if Jensen wasn’t enjoying himself.
Hell the whole freaking table was enjoying themselves. Even the guy who played the angel.
The guy who played the angel and who was totally heading in Johnny’s direction.
“Hang on, doll,” Johnny said to the more reasonably aged woman who was waiting on her autograph. Thank god for SyFy reruns or all of Johnny’s fan-base would be well over forty.
“Johnny Drama, right?” the angel asked and held out his hand.
“Yeah, hey, always nice to meet a fan,” Drama answered and hoped no one else noticed his voice was cracking.
Jensen was seemingly a coward who sent other people to do his dirty work, but at least he hadn’t sent the giant hulking guy over.
“We’ve met actually,” the angel said. “You did some 24?”
“Yeah,” Drama answered and tried to remember if he had any scenes with this guy.
“Me too. Different season. But we met at Keifer’s Christmas party a few years back. I’m Misha Collins, by the way.”
Johnny tilted his head and looked thoughtfully at Misha for a moment. “Are you married to Victoria, by chance?”
Most guys wouldn’t be so happy if another man remembered their wife so vividly. But Misha was all smiles.
“Man, John, you have no idea how happy that is going to make her, that you remember her,” Misha said.
“Hell yes, I remember her,” Johnny told him and then the giant smile on his face immediately faltered. “No, I mean, not like that. I don’t remember her like that. I didn’t fool around with your wife.”
Misha just laughed. “Hey, it was Christmas. What kind of husband would I be if I denied her the excellent gift of making out with her favorite Quester?”
“Dude,” Turtle said from his seat behind Johnny. “You are awesome.”
“Thank you,” Misha replied evenly.
“I loved you on Charmed.”
“Dude,” Johnny said and turned on Turtle. “Be cool.”
“Listen,” Misha started and waited until he had Johnny’s attention again. “Is there a particular reason why you keep giving Jensen the hate-face?”
Johnny narrowed his eyes in Jensen’s direction. “Oh, he knows why.”
“Yeah, I’m sure he does, but he won’t tell me.”
Johnny rolled his shoulders. “Sorry, man, that’s private business.”
“Alright, John, I appreciate that,” Misha said. “Only that, you know, it’s kind of creeping Jared out. He keeps edging closer to me in his seat, like he thinks you might start something.”
“That dude knows he could totally take Drama, right?” Turtle asked, leaning forward a little to catch Misha’s eye.
Misha shrugged. “Jared isn’t aware that he could take anyone.”
Johnny looked over at the table. Jared, the big guy, was peeking not-so-subtly in their direction. Jensen was pointedly ignoring them, but he had one arm draped casually across Jared’s shoulder and was flipping Johnny off over the top of his friend’s head.
“Could you maybe, like, not so much?” Misha asked.
“You know what?” Johnny said and snapped his fingers. “For Victoria’s husband, I will cease my glaring at Fuckles.”
“That was good,” Misha said. “I liked that.”
“Thank you.”
“So, we’re good then?”
“All good, Collins,” Johnny said and clasped Misha’s shoulder.
Misha smiled, then nodded at Turtle before turning away.
“Hang on!” Johnny called out and then took a headshot off the table and scribbled across his own forehead.
“For Victoria.”
Misha looked down at the photo and grinned. “Thanks, John.”
After the angel walked away, Drama nodded and smiled at Jared, who nodded tentatively back.
Then Johnny sat down and went to work. There were some co-eds a little farther back in the line, so it wasn’t a total hardship.
***
Turtle and Drama were tucked into the back corner booth, one of the long ones that curved along the wall. It was a good vantage point. They could see the whole layout of the bar from there.
Vince liked the security of the back booth.
And he’d be along after the press line was done.
Turtle was scanning the crowd with a barely contained smile on his face, while Drama picked absently at the label on his beer.
Vantage point or not, neither of them noticed Misha Collins until he was sliding into the booth on Drama’s other side, squishing the taller man into the middle of the cushioned seat.
“Boys,” Misha said and casually draped an arm along the back of the booth.
“Collins,” Johnny said without looking over.
Turtle just grunted.
They sat in silence for a minute before Misha spoke up. “Jensen called you a half-wit who couldn’t break out of genre TV if you sold your soul.”
Johnny just snorted.
“No rebuttal?”
“He doesn’t need to justify himself to the man who sold his own soul to the CFuckingW Network,” Turtle said, clearly offended, though he didn’t bother to stop scanning the crowd. “Also, when was the last time Jensen did something that wasn’t genre? Dawson’s Creek? Days of Our Fucking Lives?”
Misha grinned. “You know a lot about Jensen’s career there, Turtle.”
“I make it a point to know about the arch nemesis of all my friends. E’s is Seth Green. Mine is James Woods.”
“To be fair,” Drama threw in, “James Woods is my nemesis too.”
Turtle held his fist out and Johnny reached over and gave it a bump.
“Who is Vince’s arch nemesis?” Misha asked.
“Doesn’t have one,” Turtle said and downed the rest of his beer.
“Turtle, who are you looking for out there in the vast sea of people?” Misha asked, leaning over to try and catch Turtle’s eye, albeit unsuccessfully. “Because you look way to excited for it to just be Vincent Chase you’re scoping out.”
“Turtle’s got a girl,” Johnny said and let the tease come through in his voice.
“She’s not a girl, Drama. Val is all woman.”
A moment of silence passed before Misha broke out with, “So, John, how come you hate Jensen?” Then he just grinned when Johnny gave him the glare. “See what I did there? Said I was gonna let it go and then I didn’t.”
“He took some roles from Drama,” Turtle said without looking over. “Plus, you know, he’s better lookin’ than Johnny.”
“Beauty is subjective.”
“True, but Ackles is better lookin’ than Drama and you know it.”
Misha shrugged and looked out across the room. “See that man?” he asked and pointed at a man in his late fifties with a graying beard and a baseball cap.
“That’s Bobby Singer!” Johnny said excitedly.
“Well, his name is actually Jim, but okay,” Misha replied. “Anyway, probably not a guy you would necessarily deem as attractive.”
“Bullshit,” Turtle said. “Bobby Singer is a badass.”
“The way he gets shit done?” Drama added. “Totally sexy. You know, for a dude.”
Misha just quirked an eyebrow. “I see you watch the show.”
“Just the episodes where Jensen dies,” both the boys said at once.
“Alright, well, I think you have just proved my point then. Bobby Singer is a sexass. And I’d fuck Jim over Matt Damon any day.”
“That’s ‘cause Damon’s a douche,” Johnny told him.
“My girl,” Turtle said, nodding towards the crowd. He slapped Drama’s shoulder. “I’ll see you boys later.”
And Turtle got up and headed across the room, where Valarie Rae was breaking off from her group of girls to practically run across the room into Turtle’s arms.
Misha reached over and snagged Drama’s beer. “I know I said beauty is subjective,” and he downed the last of the drink, “but that chick is fucking gorgeous.”
Johnny just smirked over at the man. “Collins, I’m gonna buy you a drink, but I don’t want you to take it as an indication that I like you.”
“Duly noted. But this,” and Misha shook the beer bottle, “tastes like a donkey’s ass. I’m drinking whiskey.”
Johnny signaled the waitress.
***
“Hello?” Johnny slurred into his cell-phone. It was 2:13 in the morning for fuck’s sake. Somebody had better be dead.
Okay, maybe not dead, Johnny wasn’t that big of an asshat.
“How come you hate Jensen?” a voice said through the phone.
“Who is this?” Johnny was going to kill whoever gave out his number.
“It’s Misha.”
“Collins? It’s the middle of the fucking night.”
“Time is subjective.”
“Actually, no, it’s not. It’s whatever time the goddamn clock says it is,” Johnny said and was seriously considering just hanging up.
“So, if you just randomly messed with the clock and changed the setting, then it would be whatever time the clock said it was, even if it wasn’t?”
“That’s not subjective. That’s a busted clock.” It was way too late to be having this conversation. “What do you want, Collins?”
“I got tickets to see Depeche Mode next week. You in?”
“Hells to the yes, I’m in!”
“Cool. Why do you hate Jensen?”
Johnny just snorted. “Give it up. Goodnight, Collins.”
“Goodnight, John-boy.”
Johnny turned off his phone and went back to sleep.
***
The waitress had just brought them their drinks when the other party was seated at a table right in their line of sight.
Jensen Fucking Ackles.
Again.
And he was smirking over at Johnny and draping his arm around a redheaded hottie that had Turtle slapping him on the arm like a lunatic.
“What?” Drama hissed at him.
“That’s Danneel Harris,” Turtle said excitedly. “Oh man, I love her.”
“Probably not as much as Jensen does. Their getting married in like a month,” Eric told them.
“Hey,” Johnny said and nodded in the direction of the other two occupants of the table. “That’s Genevieve Cortese with the dude that plays Sam.”
“You know her?” Vince asked and craned his neck around to see.
“Yeah, I auditioned opposite her for Wildfire. Jason London got the part though. There’s no way he’s better looking than me.”
Turtle pointedly looked away from Johnny and said nothing.
“Oh whatever,” Drama said and then scowled over at the other table.
Jensen had his arm draped over his girl’s shoulder and was not-so-subtly flipping Johnny off. Until Danneel smacked him on the head and pushed his arm away.
Then she smiled politely at Johnny and when he smiled back, she blushed and looked down at her lap.
“Did you guys see that?” Johnny asked excitedly. “Did you? She full-on blushed. I think Jensen’s fiancé might be a fan.”
Johnny chose to ignore his so-called-friends and their stupid choked-off laughter.
The rest of his dinner was spent enjoying delicious food, good company and laughter. And also a fair amount of time was spent sending hate-vibes and death-glares at Ackles, while Jensen tried to find creative ways to flip him off without his fiancé noticing.
All in all, it was a pretty good night.
When they stood to leave, Johnny made a decision and headed in the direction of Jensen’s table.
“Hey,” Eric said and grabbed at his arm. “They’re having dinner. Let it be for the night.”
Johnny tugged his arm free. “I can be a gracious man sometimes,” he said with mock-disgust. Then he rolled his shoulders and approached the table.
“No, no, don’t get up,” he told them, when both Jensen and Jared made to stand. “I just came by to say hi to Genevieve.”
He smiled sweetly at her and then leaned down to kiss her cheek. “Hi, doll. You look good.”
“Johnny,” she said and returned the smile. “Good to see you.”
“I hear wedding congrats are in order for you two. That’s wonderful.” Johnny reached over and offered his hand to Jared. ‘Congratulations, man. She’s definitely a keeper.”
Jared shook his hand. “Uh, thanks, Johnny.”
“A keeper?” Genevieve squeaked and playfully shoved him. “Such a lady killer, Drama.”
Johnny just winked at her. Then he turned to Jensen and smiled, albeit a little forced. “I hear you’re next on the big list of matrimonial bliss. Congratulations, Jensen.”
When Drama offered out his hand to Jensen, he saw the other man actually genuinely smile, and he almost looked happy.
“Thank you, Drama,” and Jensen’s voice was a little strained, like that was hard for him to say. “We’re all very excited.”
Johnny just nodded and slid around until he was behind Danneel’s chair. Then he leaned down, whispered in her ear just loud enough for Jensen to hear. “When you decide to bail at the last second, I have a Harley. It’s the perfect getaway vehicle.”
He kissed her cheek and pulled back, grinned over at Jensen, whose face was almost as red as the girl’s hair.
“You boys tell Collins, I said ‘hey’,” and then Drama was walking away. When he stepped up next to Eric, he stopped.
“I’m not looking back, but is Ackles flipping me off?”
“Oh, yeah.”
Johnny just nodded. “Let’s go home, E.,” he said. “Let’s go home.”
***
The red carpet was buzzing with electricity, maybe probably for real, what with the number of flashbulbs going off. It was a warm night and the lady on his arm was delicious. When Valarie had said she was setting him up with someone from Battlestar, he had been hoping for Katee Sackhoff.
But as soon as he laid eyes on this one, he had totally forgotten all about Starbuck. Short, dark hair, big beautiful eyes.
Yeah, it was a good night.
All he had to do now was wait for Vince to stop posing for the cameras and they could go inside, enjoy the new Danny Boyle flick and then head out on the town with their hotties.
Vince’s hottie for the night was a Victoria’s Secret Model. Normally, this would have Johnny in a jealous fit, he’d admit it.
But tonight was a good night.
And then someone jumped on his back.
And licked up the side of his face.
“Miss me, John?”
“Collins, get off me, you little fucker,” Johnny snarled, but as soon as Misha had complied, he pulled the man up against his side and forced him into a headlock.
“What are you doing here?” he asked without letting up on the man.
Misha’s voice was muffled and garbled until Johnny released him.
Misha grinned, ran a hand through his hair. “Jensen had an extra ticket.”
“He’s here?” Johnny asked and looked around.
Fuck that shit. He was just going inside. Johnny was so not in the mood to put up with that…
“Hey there, Drama-Queen.”
Johnny turned slowly to see Jensen standing behind him, with Vince draped off his shoulder and grinning.
“Look who I found,” Vincent said excitedly. “It’s your boyfriend.”
“You mean your boyfriend,” Johnny said petulantly.
“John’s boyfriend is right here,” Misha said and slid an arm around Drama’s waist.
“Traitor,” Jensen mumbled.
Somewhere a camera flash went off and Drama had the presence of mind to push Misha away.
“You know what?” Vincent said and pushed Jensen a little closer to Johnny. “Let’s settle this right now. It’s gone on for far too long. One of you has to make the first move.”
“If the first move is throwing a punch, I’ll make it,” Johnny said and crossed his arms on his chest.
“All due respect, Vincent, and I like you man, but no way I’m extending an olive branch to this douchebag,” Jensen answered.
“Just tell us what happened,” Misha pleaded and when Johnny glanced over at him, Misha actually looked sincere, like he really wanted to help and not just finally answer the question about what had started all this.
“He knows what happened,” Johnny replied with venom.
“And so does he,” Jensen answered and looked down at the ground.
“So, let’s just leave it.”
Johnny glared at Jensen. Jensen glared right back.
“Oh my god,” Vincent said and covered his mouth. “Oh my god. I get it now.”
“No, you don’t,” Johnny snapped and looked at his brother, who was bouncing on his toes now.
“Yes! Yes, I do!” Vince cried. “I do! You don’t remember what happened,” he said excitedly and pointed at Johnny.
“I do so,” Drama insisted, then looked to Misha with pleading eyes.
Misha was just staring at Jensen, his head cocked to the side like his character always did when he was thinking hard.
“You don’t remember either,” Misha said quietly and Jensen looked down at his feet again.
“Yes, I do,” Jensen mumbled.
“We both know what happened and…so…shut it,” Johnny said and stepped back. “I’ve got to go find my date.”
“This isn’t over, Drama,” Jensen practically spit.
“I didn’t think so,” Johnny snarled.
They both walked away and left Misha and Vincent there to stare awkwardly at each other.
Which totally served them right.
***
Johnny was sitting on the couch, nursing his second whiskey and staring blankly at the TV.
“For real?” Turtle asked, from his spot squished down into the couch cushion next to Johnny.
“For real,” Johnny said darkly. “Corin Fucking Nemec.”
“Parker Lewis? Like, Parker Fucking Lewis?” Turtle asked.
“Yes, like Parker Fucking Lewis,” Johnny told him.
“How does he get the part over you?”
“I. Don’t. Know.”
The front door opened, then closed, and Vince and Eric walked through the room. They stopped when they saw the whiskey in Johnny’s hand.
“We celebrating?” Vince asked and gestured at Johnny’s glass.
“Corin Fucking Nemec,” Johnny told him.
“Bullshit,” Eric said. “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose?”
“Fuck that shit,” Vincent said and then he and Eric headed upstairs.
Johnny finished off his whiskey and was seriously considering another, even on an empty stomach, when the doorbell rang.
“Pizza man?” he asked hopefully.
“Naw, I haven’t ordered it yet,” Turtle told him and then excused himself to go answer the door.
A minute later a familiar voice said, “What the hell, John?”
“Collins, nice to see you too,” Johnny drawled but didn’t even glance in the man’s direction.
“What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me you were auditioning for Supernatural? I’d have put in a good word for you,” Misha told him.
“Hey,” Johnny snapped, finally looking up, “I don’t use Vince’s name to get parts, I’m not using yours.”
“You use Vince’s name all the time,” Turtle said, coming back in the room.
“To get chicks, not parts,” Johnny told him.
“Bullshit,” Turtle said and then pointed towards the other room. “I’m gonna go order the pizza. Misha, you staying for dinner?”
“He is,” Johnny answered for the man.
“Cool,” Turtle said and headed into the kitchen.
Johnny slid over on the couch, even though there was plenty enough room for them both. Misha took it as the invitation is was meant for and sat down.
“I’d have put in a good word for you,” Misha said quietly.
“I know you would have, buddy,” Johnny told him and patted the man’s knee. “Doesn’t matter, can’t work with Ackles anyway.”
“You remember why you hate him yet?”
“Oh, I remember,” Drama told him.
“Sure you do,” Misha replied and patted Drama’s shoulder, before letting his arm fall along the back of the couch.
“I’m more of a movie guy anyway,” Johnny said and nodded his head. The room swayed ever so slightly. Maybe he should hold off on the whiskey.
“Too bad. I heard from the show’s producer that they want to re-touch on Dean’s time in Hell this season,” Misha said casually.
“Good for him?” Johnny asked, confused.
“Just…” Misha said and shrugged, “Just that they will need to cast a demon for that.”
“For Dean’s time in Hell?” Johnny asked and scrunched up his face. Then his eyes widened and he smiled over at his friend. “For torturing Jensen Ackles in Hell?”
“You have a difficult time with the concept that we aren’t all our characters, don’t you?” Misha asked him.
“Oh, you know what? I want that part.” Johnny said excitedly. “You put in a good word for me on that, yeah.”
Misha just smiled. “Sure thing, John.”
“Hey, Turtle!” Drama shouted towards the kitchen, “I’m going to torture Ackles!”
“I’m on the phone, Drama, you buttnugget!” Turtle shouted back.
“Did he just call you a buttnugget?” Misha asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Collins,” Johnny said, “I’m going to offer you a drink, but I don’t want you to take it as…”
“…an indication that you like me. Duly noted.”
“Whiskey?”
Misha just settled back into the couch. “You know it, John.”
When they were situated on the couch again, Misha just smiled over at him and draped an arm around Drama’s shoulder.
“You going to tell me why you hate Jensen?”
“Not a chance in hell.”
But Johnny was smiling and buzzing and he thought maybe someday he would.
If only he could remember.
***
Coda:
Misha came sauntering back to the table, clutching an autograph picture and beaming at Jensen.
“He’s going to stop glaring this way. It’s bad for business,” Misha said and then casually removed Jensen’s arm from Jared’s shoulder and closed up his outstretched finger. “But you have to stop flipping him off.”
“Whatever,” Jensen mumbled and forced himself not to instinctually scowl over at Johnny Fucking Drama.
Jared took the photo out of Misha’s hand. “He gave you an autograph?”
“Blowhard,” Jensen mumbled.
“And his phone number,” Misha said and smiled stupidly.
“Traitor,” Jensen mumbled.
“This says it’s for Vicki,” Jared pointed out.
“Possession is nine tenths of the law.”
“That’s not even relevant,” Jensen snapped and then looked down quickly when Misha gave him a disappointed glare.
“Just tell me what happened,” Misha said gently and laid his hand across Jensen’s back.
“No.”
“Jensen,” Misha said in a warning voice, like he was toddler about to touch a hot stove.
“I’ve been trying for five years, dude,” Jared said. “I can’t get it out of him, no one can.”
“Jensen?” Misha asked again and Jensen just scowled down at the stack of his own headshots.
“I just hate that fucking guy.”
The End
Anyway - Entourage/CW RPF fic! The excellent way in which CW RPF could be crossed-over with Entourage was all liptonrm's idea and she kept mentioning it until I wrote it. For which I am grateful because writing Johnny Drama was the most fun ever!
Johnny Drama hates that Jensen Ackles dude. The feeling is mutual. With some Johnny & Misha friendship. Also, Turtle gets a girl. Rated R for Entourage-style cussing. 5,358 words.
Title: Drama Is Not Subjective
Author: The Artful Dodger / dodger_sister
Fandom: CW RPF/Entourage
Category: Crossover, Friendship, General, Humor
Characters/Pairing: Johnny, Jensen & Misha with Turtle, Eric, Vincent, Jared, Danneel, Genevieve, Jessica Alba and Valarie Rae Miller
Rating: R (for language)
Warnings: Adult Language (it’s Entourage, people).
Spoilers: Plot points on Supernatural for season three and onwards.
Summary: Johnny Drama hates that Jensen Ackles dude. The feeling is mutual.
Word Count: 5,358 words
Date Written: Dec, 2010
Disclaimer: “Entourage” belongs to Doug Ellin & HBO. “Supernatural” belongs to Eric Kripke & The CW. This story belongs to me. None of us make money on this fic.
Feedback: Bring it. dodger_sister / TheArtofDodger@comcast.net
Beta’d: Nope.
Author's Notes: So, <"lj user="liptonrm"> has been saying for months, months, that Entourage and CW RPS makes like the most sense ever. She is not wrong. We discussed the many ways in which they would cross paths, especially the easy use of Jessica Alba in making this happen. We also discussed how Johnny’s career is so soaked in genre TV, as is Jensen’s - thus leading to the inevitable conclusion that Johnny would secretly envy Jensen’s career. And totally hate that guy. The original concept was that Johnny hates Jensen and Jensen has no fucking clue who the hell Johnny is - but as in all things, Misha showed up and changed everything around on me. Anyway, liptonrm promised me some Rufus & Bobby are bestest best friends fic, if I delivered on this. So…when shall I be expecting my return?
Dedication: <“lj user=“liptonrm”>, Clearly all it took was months of you cattle-prodding me and watching an entire Entourage marathon - (oh the awful things I do for you, like watching my boyfriend and his boyfriend and those other guys for hours on end, oh lo) - and then I finally, finally, found the right voice for this. It’s not exactly what we talked about, but I hope you like it. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I love you.
Johnny tapped his foot against the rung of the barstool at the kitchen counter. He’d been dressed for an hour already. Leave it to Turtle to wait until the last second to decide what to wear.
“How do I look?” his friend asked, coming into the room and spinning in place.
Honestly, Drama thought it was the exact same outfit he’d been wearing all damn day.
“Blue suits you, baby,” he replied.
Turtle grinned and grabbed the keys to the Hummer.
“Vince! E! The bus leaves in t-minus 60 seconds! Move your pretty little asses!” Turtle hollered back into the house and then strode out of the room.
Drama followed after him.
***
Parties at Alba’s house were always off the hook. Since she had started doing those makeup commercials, they were usually stacked with some extra eye-candy too.
Johnny followed Vince through the door, scanned the room for anyone they might get cornered by with shop talk. Vince liked to leave the call sheets at the door, after all.
“Dude,” Turtle said and whacked him in the arm. “Check out the hottie with Jess.”
Turtle nodded towards the back of the room, where Jessica Alba was standing with a caramel-skinned beauty practically draped off of her.
“Let’s go say hi,” Turtle said and reached forward to tug on Vince’s arm. “Come on man, it’s rude not too. E, tell him.”
“She is so out of your league,” Vince said, but draped his arm around Turtle and dragged the shorter man in Jessica’s direction.
“Jess!” Eric said, as they approached the party hostess. “You look amazing. As always,” and he leaned in to kiss her cheek.
“Eric,” she said and then towards the other guys, “Vinny, Turtle and Drama. Still attached at the hips I see,” but she was smiling at them as she said it.
Vincent greeted her with a half-hug, then turned towards the other woman and smiled politely. “Hi, I’m Vince.”
“Valarie Rae,” she said and offered him her hand.
“This,” Vincent said in a not-so-subtle way, “is my boy, Turtle.”
Johnny marveled at the way Turtle actually blushed.
“Nice to meet you, sweetheart,” Turtle said and offered her his hand, while trying to casually scope her out.
“Ignore Vince,” Johnny offered, leaning slightly over Turtle’s back. “He thinks he’s being helpful, but he’s just a jackass.”
“As opposed to you, the pillar of goodwill?” Valarie asked and slapped his shoulder. “Good to see you, Drama.”
“Val.”
Vincent had crossed his arms on his chest and was glaring at Johnny. “You might have seniority at the family table, but out here, I can still kick your ass,” he said with half a pout.
Johnny grinned. “You keep telling yourself that, bro.’
Johnny felt light and easy and ready for the night.
Right up until the moment a familiar voice rang out through the crowd.
“Vincent Chase!”
And then he was there, draping himself across Valarie’s back, all shining smile and big green eyes.
The bane of Johnny Drama’s existence.
Jensen Fucking Ackles.
***
“Hey, Drama,” Turtle said and slapped Johnny’s arm.
Johnny was very busy glaring across the room at one Jensen Ackles, who was doing shots at the bar with Vince - Johnny’s own fucking brother for Christ sake - like they’d been best buds since grade school or some shit.
Even though they had only met like once at some red carpet thing that Vince had been paid to be at. Which just totally proved Johnny’s point that Ackles was a douchebag and a hanger-on.
“Dude!” Turtle hollered and flicked him in the side of the head. “Snap the fuck out of it, Drama. We are at a kickin’ party and there are hotties everywhere. So stop staring at Jensen Ackles like you are going fuck through him with your eyes and pay the fuck attention here.”
“Bitch,” Drama muttered. “Nobody at this table wants to fuck Jensen Ackles with jackshit. Right?” Johnny said and turned to Turtle with one raised eyebrow.
“That’s right,’ Turtle assured him. “I am totally onboard the hate-train. Now…tell me about the chick.”
Johnny looked over and saw Valarie perched on the edge of the bar, leaning casually over Jensen’s back, laughing at something Vince was saying.
Okay, so it wasn’t like Johnny had never noticed that she was a total hottie.
“She’s cool,” he told Turtle. “She’s smart and funny. Good taste in music. Good taste in cars. Never slept with me, so poor taste in men, obviously,” and Johnny grinned over at his friend. “Which kind of makes her perfect for you.”
“Fuck you, Drama,” Turtle said but he was mostly trying to casually eye Val over his glass.
“I mean, she clearly has no taste whatsoever, if she hangs out with Fuckles over there.”
“That was good. I liked that.”
“Thanks, man.” Johnny looked up to see Vince and Eric headed their way.
Vincent looked like he was pleasantly buzzed already. “Dude, Johnny,” he said when he reached the table. “It’s a mother fucking party. Why do you look like someone just died?”
“He’s hatin’ on Jensen right now,” Turtle supplied.
“What’s up with that, Drama?” Eric asked. “You’ve been giving him the skank eye all night.”
“Yeah, man, you’re starting to hurt his feelings,” Vincent said teasingly.
“Oh! Oh,” Johnny cried out. “I’m hurting his feelings! Oh heavens, no!”
“Dude, seriously, what did Jensen ever do to you?” Eric asked.
Vince laughed. “He took some roles from Johnny.”
“Ten roles, Vince. Ten roles.”
“So?” Eric said and sipped his beer. “How many more have you gotten besides those ten? Anyway, it’s probably just because you have like a decade in age on the guy. Hollywood likes ‘em young, Drama.”
“Also, ‘cause he’s better looking than you,” Turtle added.
“Oh, you know what?” Johnny said. “Screw off, Turtle. Just for that, I’m going over to tap up on Valarie.”
“Wait, what?” Turtle cried.
“You should have been more supportive of my perfectly reasonable hatred of Jensen Fucking Ackles,” Johnny said and pushed away from the table.
“No fair! Come on, Drama!” Turtle cried but Johnny just kept walking.
Valarie was still perched on the edge of the bar, Jensen next to her, one hand resting on her thigh.
Johnny nodded at him, because he wasn’t a total asshole and then grinned up at Val. She leaned down the few inches separating them and kissed his cheek.
“Hey, darling,” he drawled and so sue him if his voice dropped an octave. “You know my friend over there?”
When Valarie started to lean over to get a better look at Turtle, Johnny grabbed a hold of her hips, pushing Jensen’s hand out of the way, and stepped in between her legs. “Don’t look, don’t look.”
“Okay,” she said and shook her head. “I won’t look. What about him?”
“He said you were the most gorgeous creature he’s ever fucking seen in his life. And he was asking about you.”
“Yeah?” Valarie said and she looked interested enough. “What’s he like?”
Johnny shrugged. “Alright, well, I’ll tell you, but if you repeat this to him like ever, I will deny it and then disown you. Alright?”
Valarie threw her head back in a full-on laugh that bubbled up out of her chest. “Yeah, alright, Johnny.”
“He’s smart. Guy can get you anything. I don’t know how he does it, but if you want it, Turtle can get it. He’s funny as hell too. He’s pretty much the best friend I’ve ever had. Loyal as fuck. Once you are in with Turtle, he will have your back no matter what boneheaded thing you have gotten yourself into.”
“Speaking from experience?” Jensen asked from Valarie’s other side.
Johnny ignored him, mostly he felt this was because he was the bigger man here and wouldn’t be goaded.
“He seeing anyone?” Valarie asked and leaned forward to wrap her arms around Johnny’s neck and get a good look at Turtle while she did so.
“Nope. He’s a free agent, darling.”
“He’s cute,” Valarie said as she pulled back from Johnny’s embrace. “But why does he look all constipated?”
Johnny chuckled. “Probably because he thinks I’m over here making a move on you right now.”
Valarie smiled and leaned down, whispered her breath across Johnny’s lips. “As if you ever stood a chance, Drama,” she said and then pressed her lips to his, soft and lazy.
Then she was sliding down off the bar, Johnny bracing her while she did.
“You boys behave,” she said and Johnny turned just enough to watch her saunter over in Turtle’s direction.
Never let it be said that Johnny Drama wasn’t a good friend.
Then he had nothing to do but stand there and stare at Jensen.
“So, you haven’t had steady work for a while now, Drama-Queen,” Jensen said conversationally. “You started doing gay porn yet?”
“Oh. You know what, Ackles?” Johnny said and curled his lip up at Jensen. “Why don’t you go fuck your Angel some more, you fucking douche-nozzle.”
Jensen just raised his eyebrows. “You watch the show, Drama?”
“Just the episodes when you die, fucktard,” Johnny said and strode away.
“Yeah, well, that’s like every fucking episode, you prick!” Jensen shouted after him.
Johnny just flipped him off with both hands.
***
Comic Con was going to be wicked this year. Johnny had a whole table to himself.
Well, okay, nobody else from Viking Quest had signed up, but since Vince had to be there anyway, Johnny had figured why the fuck not.
Plus, he’d never had his own table before.
Of course, no one bothered to show him the layout until he got there.
“You’re scaring off the fans, man,” Turtle said and poked Johnny in the face. “Try to smile.”
“He’s right fucking there,” Johnny said through his teeth and grinned up at the very mature woman who was putting an autograph down in front of him.
“Yeah, but he doesn’t have his own table,” Turtle said and Drama maybe smiled a little bit real for a second.
Then some high pitched giggle came from across the aisle and Johnny looked up to see some foxy brunette with excessive cleavage doing the worst fake laugh ever and totally shoving her chest out at him.
At him.
Jensen Fucking Ackles.
And dammit if Jensen wasn’t enjoying himself.
Hell the whole freaking table was enjoying themselves. Even the guy who played the angel.
The guy who played the angel and who was totally heading in Johnny’s direction.
“Hang on, doll,” Johnny said to the more reasonably aged woman who was waiting on her autograph. Thank god for SyFy reruns or all of Johnny’s fan-base would be well over forty.
“Johnny Drama, right?” the angel asked and held out his hand.
“Yeah, hey, always nice to meet a fan,” Drama answered and hoped no one else noticed his voice was cracking.
Jensen was seemingly a coward who sent other people to do his dirty work, but at least he hadn’t sent the giant hulking guy over.
“We’ve met actually,” the angel said. “You did some 24?”
“Yeah,” Drama answered and tried to remember if he had any scenes with this guy.
“Me too. Different season. But we met at Keifer’s Christmas party a few years back. I’m Misha Collins, by the way.”
Johnny tilted his head and looked thoughtfully at Misha for a moment. “Are you married to Victoria, by chance?”
Most guys wouldn’t be so happy if another man remembered their wife so vividly. But Misha was all smiles.
“Man, John, you have no idea how happy that is going to make her, that you remember her,” Misha said.
“Hell yes, I remember her,” Johnny told him and then the giant smile on his face immediately faltered. “No, I mean, not like that. I don’t remember her like that. I didn’t fool around with your wife.”
Misha just laughed. “Hey, it was Christmas. What kind of husband would I be if I denied her the excellent gift of making out with her favorite Quester?”
“Dude,” Turtle said from his seat behind Johnny. “You are awesome.”
“Thank you,” Misha replied evenly.
“I loved you on Charmed.”
“Dude,” Johnny said and turned on Turtle. “Be cool.”
“Listen,” Misha started and waited until he had Johnny’s attention again. “Is there a particular reason why you keep giving Jensen the hate-face?”
Johnny narrowed his eyes in Jensen’s direction. “Oh, he knows why.”
“Yeah, I’m sure he does, but he won’t tell me.”
Johnny rolled his shoulders. “Sorry, man, that’s private business.”
“Alright, John, I appreciate that,” Misha said. “Only that, you know, it’s kind of creeping Jared out. He keeps edging closer to me in his seat, like he thinks you might start something.”
“That dude knows he could totally take Drama, right?” Turtle asked, leaning forward a little to catch Misha’s eye.
Misha shrugged. “Jared isn’t aware that he could take anyone.”
Johnny looked over at the table. Jared, the big guy, was peeking not-so-subtly in their direction. Jensen was pointedly ignoring them, but he had one arm draped casually across Jared’s shoulder and was flipping Johnny off over the top of his friend’s head.
“Could you maybe, like, not so much?” Misha asked.
“You know what?” Johnny said and snapped his fingers. “For Victoria’s husband, I will cease my glaring at Fuckles.”
“That was good,” Misha said. “I liked that.”
“Thank you.”
“So, we’re good then?”
“All good, Collins,” Johnny said and clasped Misha’s shoulder.
Misha smiled, then nodded at Turtle before turning away.
“Hang on!” Johnny called out and then took a headshot off the table and scribbled across his own forehead.
“For Victoria.”
Misha looked down at the photo and grinned. “Thanks, John.”
After the angel walked away, Drama nodded and smiled at Jared, who nodded tentatively back.
Then Johnny sat down and went to work. There were some co-eds a little farther back in the line, so it wasn’t a total hardship.
***
Turtle and Drama were tucked into the back corner booth, one of the long ones that curved along the wall. It was a good vantage point. They could see the whole layout of the bar from there.
Vince liked the security of the back booth.
And he’d be along after the press line was done.
Turtle was scanning the crowd with a barely contained smile on his face, while Drama picked absently at the label on his beer.
Vantage point or not, neither of them noticed Misha Collins until he was sliding into the booth on Drama’s other side, squishing the taller man into the middle of the cushioned seat.
“Boys,” Misha said and casually draped an arm along the back of the booth.
“Collins,” Johnny said without looking over.
Turtle just grunted.
They sat in silence for a minute before Misha spoke up. “Jensen called you a half-wit who couldn’t break out of genre TV if you sold your soul.”
Johnny just snorted.
“No rebuttal?”
“He doesn’t need to justify himself to the man who sold his own soul to the CFuckingW Network,” Turtle said, clearly offended, though he didn’t bother to stop scanning the crowd. “Also, when was the last time Jensen did something that wasn’t genre? Dawson’s Creek? Days of Our Fucking Lives?”
Misha grinned. “You know a lot about Jensen’s career there, Turtle.”
“I make it a point to know about the arch nemesis of all my friends. E’s is Seth Green. Mine is James Woods.”
“To be fair,” Drama threw in, “James Woods is my nemesis too.”
Turtle held his fist out and Johnny reached over and gave it a bump.
“Who is Vince’s arch nemesis?” Misha asked.
“Doesn’t have one,” Turtle said and downed the rest of his beer.
“Turtle, who are you looking for out there in the vast sea of people?” Misha asked, leaning over to try and catch Turtle’s eye, albeit unsuccessfully. “Because you look way to excited for it to just be Vincent Chase you’re scoping out.”
“Turtle’s got a girl,” Johnny said and let the tease come through in his voice.
“She’s not a girl, Drama. Val is all woman.”
A moment of silence passed before Misha broke out with, “So, John, how come you hate Jensen?” Then he just grinned when Johnny gave him the glare. “See what I did there? Said I was gonna let it go and then I didn’t.”
“He took some roles from Drama,” Turtle said without looking over. “Plus, you know, he’s better lookin’ than Johnny.”
“Beauty is subjective.”
“True, but Ackles is better lookin’ than Drama and you know it.”
Misha shrugged and looked out across the room. “See that man?” he asked and pointed at a man in his late fifties with a graying beard and a baseball cap.
“That’s Bobby Singer!” Johnny said excitedly.
“Well, his name is actually Jim, but okay,” Misha replied. “Anyway, probably not a guy you would necessarily deem as attractive.”
“Bullshit,” Turtle said. “Bobby Singer is a badass.”
“The way he gets shit done?” Drama added. “Totally sexy. You know, for a dude.”
Misha just quirked an eyebrow. “I see you watch the show.”
“Just the episodes where Jensen dies,” both the boys said at once.
“Alright, well, I think you have just proved my point then. Bobby Singer is a sexass. And I’d fuck Jim over Matt Damon any day.”
“That’s ‘cause Damon’s a douche,” Johnny told him.
“My girl,” Turtle said, nodding towards the crowd. He slapped Drama’s shoulder. “I’ll see you boys later.”
And Turtle got up and headed across the room, where Valarie Rae was breaking off from her group of girls to practically run across the room into Turtle’s arms.
Misha reached over and snagged Drama’s beer. “I know I said beauty is subjective,” and he downed the last of the drink, “but that chick is fucking gorgeous.”
Johnny just smirked over at the man. “Collins, I’m gonna buy you a drink, but I don’t want you to take it as an indication that I like you.”
“Duly noted. But this,” and Misha shook the beer bottle, “tastes like a donkey’s ass. I’m drinking whiskey.”
Johnny signaled the waitress.
***
“Hello?” Johnny slurred into his cell-phone. It was 2:13 in the morning for fuck’s sake. Somebody had better be dead.
Okay, maybe not dead, Johnny wasn’t that big of an asshat.
“How come you hate Jensen?” a voice said through the phone.
“Who is this?” Johnny was going to kill whoever gave out his number.
“It’s Misha.”
“Collins? It’s the middle of the fucking night.”
“Time is subjective.”
“Actually, no, it’s not. It’s whatever time the goddamn clock says it is,” Johnny said and was seriously considering just hanging up.
“So, if you just randomly messed with the clock and changed the setting, then it would be whatever time the clock said it was, even if it wasn’t?”
“That’s not subjective. That’s a busted clock.” It was way too late to be having this conversation. “What do you want, Collins?”
“I got tickets to see Depeche Mode next week. You in?”
“Hells to the yes, I’m in!”
“Cool. Why do you hate Jensen?”
Johnny just snorted. “Give it up. Goodnight, Collins.”
“Goodnight, John-boy.”
Johnny turned off his phone and went back to sleep.
***
The waitress had just brought them their drinks when the other party was seated at a table right in their line of sight.
Jensen Fucking Ackles.
Again.
And he was smirking over at Johnny and draping his arm around a redheaded hottie that had Turtle slapping him on the arm like a lunatic.
“What?” Drama hissed at him.
“That’s Danneel Harris,” Turtle said excitedly. “Oh man, I love her.”
“Probably not as much as Jensen does. Their getting married in like a month,” Eric told them.
“Hey,” Johnny said and nodded in the direction of the other two occupants of the table. “That’s Genevieve Cortese with the dude that plays Sam.”
“You know her?” Vince asked and craned his neck around to see.
“Yeah, I auditioned opposite her for Wildfire. Jason London got the part though. There’s no way he’s better looking than me.”
Turtle pointedly looked away from Johnny and said nothing.
“Oh whatever,” Drama said and then scowled over at the other table.
Jensen had his arm draped over his girl’s shoulder and was not-so-subtly flipping Johnny off. Until Danneel smacked him on the head and pushed his arm away.
Then she smiled politely at Johnny and when he smiled back, she blushed and looked down at her lap.
“Did you guys see that?” Johnny asked excitedly. “Did you? She full-on blushed. I think Jensen’s fiancé might be a fan.”
Johnny chose to ignore his so-called-friends and their stupid choked-off laughter.
The rest of his dinner was spent enjoying delicious food, good company and laughter. And also a fair amount of time was spent sending hate-vibes and death-glares at Ackles, while Jensen tried to find creative ways to flip him off without his fiancé noticing.
All in all, it was a pretty good night.
When they stood to leave, Johnny made a decision and headed in the direction of Jensen’s table.
“Hey,” Eric said and grabbed at his arm. “They’re having dinner. Let it be for the night.”
Johnny tugged his arm free. “I can be a gracious man sometimes,” he said with mock-disgust. Then he rolled his shoulders and approached the table.
“No, no, don’t get up,” he told them, when both Jensen and Jared made to stand. “I just came by to say hi to Genevieve.”
He smiled sweetly at her and then leaned down to kiss her cheek. “Hi, doll. You look good.”
“Johnny,” she said and returned the smile. “Good to see you.”
“I hear wedding congrats are in order for you two. That’s wonderful.” Johnny reached over and offered his hand to Jared. ‘Congratulations, man. She’s definitely a keeper.”
Jared shook his hand. “Uh, thanks, Johnny.”
“A keeper?” Genevieve squeaked and playfully shoved him. “Such a lady killer, Drama.”
Johnny just winked at her. Then he turned to Jensen and smiled, albeit a little forced. “I hear you’re next on the big list of matrimonial bliss. Congratulations, Jensen.”
When Drama offered out his hand to Jensen, he saw the other man actually genuinely smile, and he almost looked happy.
“Thank you, Drama,” and Jensen’s voice was a little strained, like that was hard for him to say. “We’re all very excited.”
Johnny just nodded and slid around until he was behind Danneel’s chair. Then he leaned down, whispered in her ear just loud enough for Jensen to hear. “When you decide to bail at the last second, I have a Harley. It’s the perfect getaway vehicle.”
He kissed her cheek and pulled back, grinned over at Jensen, whose face was almost as red as the girl’s hair.
“You boys tell Collins, I said ‘hey’,” and then Drama was walking away. When he stepped up next to Eric, he stopped.
“I’m not looking back, but is Ackles flipping me off?”
“Oh, yeah.”
Johnny just nodded. “Let’s go home, E.,” he said. “Let’s go home.”
***
The red carpet was buzzing with electricity, maybe probably for real, what with the number of flashbulbs going off. It was a warm night and the lady on his arm was delicious. When Valarie had said she was setting him up with someone from Battlestar, he had been hoping for Katee Sackhoff.
But as soon as he laid eyes on this one, he had totally forgotten all about Starbuck. Short, dark hair, big beautiful eyes.
Yeah, it was a good night.
All he had to do now was wait for Vince to stop posing for the cameras and they could go inside, enjoy the new Danny Boyle flick and then head out on the town with their hotties.
Vince’s hottie for the night was a Victoria’s Secret Model. Normally, this would have Johnny in a jealous fit, he’d admit it.
But tonight was a good night.
And then someone jumped on his back.
And licked up the side of his face.
“Miss me, John?”
“Collins, get off me, you little fucker,” Johnny snarled, but as soon as Misha had complied, he pulled the man up against his side and forced him into a headlock.
“What are you doing here?” he asked without letting up on the man.
Misha’s voice was muffled and garbled until Johnny released him.
Misha grinned, ran a hand through his hair. “Jensen had an extra ticket.”
“He’s here?” Johnny asked and looked around.
Fuck that shit. He was just going inside. Johnny was so not in the mood to put up with that…
“Hey there, Drama-Queen.”
Johnny turned slowly to see Jensen standing behind him, with Vince draped off his shoulder and grinning.
“Look who I found,” Vincent said excitedly. “It’s your boyfriend.”
“You mean your boyfriend,” Johnny said petulantly.
“John’s boyfriend is right here,” Misha said and slid an arm around Drama’s waist.
“Traitor,” Jensen mumbled.
Somewhere a camera flash went off and Drama had the presence of mind to push Misha away.
“You know what?” Vincent said and pushed Jensen a little closer to Johnny. “Let’s settle this right now. It’s gone on for far too long. One of you has to make the first move.”
“If the first move is throwing a punch, I’ll make it,” Johnny said and crossed his arms on his chest.
“All due respect, Vincent, and I like you man, but no way I’m extending an olive branch to this douchebag,” Jensen answered.
“Just tell us what happened,” Misha pleaded and when Johnny glanced over at him, Misha actually looked sincere, like he really wanted to help and not just finally answer the question about what had started all this.
“He knows what happened,” Johnny replied with venom.
“And so does he,” Jensen answered and looked down at the ground.
“So, let’s just leave it.”
Johnny glared at Jensen. Jensen glared right back.
“Oh my god,” Vincent said and covered his mouth. “Oh my god. I get it now.”
“No, you don’t,” Johnny snapped and looked at his brother, who was bouncing on his toes now.
“Yes! Yes, I do!” Vince cried. “I do! You don’t remember what happened,” he said excitedly and pointed at Johnny.
“I do so,” Drama insisted, then looked to Misha with pleading eyes.
Misha was just staring at Jensen, his head cocked to the side like his character always did when he was thinking hard.
“You don’t remember either,” Misha said quietly and Jensen looked down at his feet again.
“Yes, I do,” Jensen mumbled.
“We both know what happened and…so…shut it,” Johnny said and stepped back. “I’ve got to go find my date.”
“This isn’t over, Drama,” Jensen practically spit.
“I didn’t think so,” Johnny snarled.
They both walked away and left Misha and Vincent there to stare awkwardly at each other.
Which totally served them right.
***
Johnny was sitting on the couch, nursing his second whiskey and staring blankly at the TV.
“For real?” Turtle asked, from his spot squished down into the couch cushion next to Johnny.
“For real,” Johnny said darkly. “Corin Fucking Nemec.”
“Parker Lewis? Like, Parker Fucking Lewis?” Turtle asked.
“Yes, like Parker Fucking Lewis,” Johnny told him.
“How does he get the part over you?”
“I. Don’t. Know.”
The front door opened, then closed, and Vince and Eric walked through the room. They stopped when they saw the whiskey in Johnny’s hand.
“We celebrating?” Vince asked and gestured at Johnny’s glass.
“Corin Fucking Nemec,” Johnny told him.
“Bullshit,” Eric said. “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose?”
“Fuck that shit,” Vincent said and then he and Eric headed upstairs.
Johnny finished off his whiskey and was seriously considering another, even on an empty stomach, when the doorbell rang.
“Pizza man?” he asked hopefully.
“Naw, I haven’t ordered it yet,” Turtle told him and then excused himself to go answer the door.
A minute later a familiar voice said, “What the hell, John?”
“Collins, nice to see you too,” Johnny drawled but didn’t even glance in the man’s direction.
“What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me you were auditioning for Supernatural? I’d have put in a good word for you,” Misha told him.
“Hey,” Johnny snapped, finally looking up, “I don’t use Vince’s name to get parts, I’m not using yours.”
“You use Vince’s name all the time,” Turtle said, coming back in the room.
“To get chicks, not parts,” Johnny told him.
“Bullshit,” Turtle said and then pointed towards the other room. “I’m gonna go order the pizza. Misha, you staying for dinner?”
“He is,” Johnny answered for the man.
“Cool,” Turtle said and headed into the kitchen.
Johnny slid over on the couch, even though there was plenty enough room for them both. Misha took it as the invitation is was meant for and sat down.
“I’d have put in a good word for you,” Misha said quietly.
“I know you would have, buddy,” Johnny told him and patted the man’s knee. “Doesn’t matter, can’t work with Ackles anyway.”
“You remember why you hate him yet?”
“Oh, I remember,” Drama told him.
“Sure you do,” Misha replied and patted Drama’s shoulder, before letting his arm fall along the back of the couch.
“I’m more of a movie guy anyway,” Johnny said and nodded his head. The room swayed ever so slightly. Maybe he should hold off on the whiskey.
“Too bad. I heard from the show’s producer that they want to re-touch on Dean’s time in Hell this season,” Misha said casually.
“Good for him?” Johnny asked, confused.
“Just…” Misha said and shrugged, “Just that they will need to cast a demon for that.”
“For Dean’s time in Hell?” Johnny asked and scrunched up his face. Then his eyes widened and he smiled over at his friend. “For torturing Jensen Ackles in Hell?”
“You have a difficult time with the concept that we aren’t all our characters, don’t you?” Misha asked him.
“Oh, you know what? I want that part.” Johnny said excitedly. “You put in a good word for me on that, yeah.”
Misha just smiled. “Sure thing, John.”
“Hey, Turtle!” Drama shouted towards the kitchen, “I’m going to torture Ackles!”
“I’m on the phone, Drama, you buttnugget!” Turtle shouted back.
“Did he just call you a buttnugget?” Misha asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Collins,” Johnny said, “I’m going to offer you a drink, but I don’t want you to take it as…”
“…an indication that you like me. Duly noted.”
“Whiskey?”
Misha just settled back into the couch. “You know it, John.”
When they were situated on the couch again, Misha just smiled over at him and draped an arm around Drama’s shoulder.
“You going to tell me why you hate Jensen?”
“Not a chance in hell.”
But Johnny was smiling and buzzing and he thought maybe someday he would.
If only he could remember.
***
Coda:
Misha came sauntering back to the table, clutching an autograph picture and beaming at Jensen.
“He’s going to stop glaring this way. It’s bad for business,” Misha said and then casually removed Jensen’s arm from Jared’s shoulder and closed up his outstretched finger. “But you have to stop flipping him off.”
“Whatever,” Jensen mumbled and forced himself not to instinctually scowl over at Johnny Fucking Drama.
Jared took the photo out of Misha’s hand. “He gave you an autograph?”
“Blowhard,” Jensen mumbled.
“And his phone number,” Misha said and smiled stupidly.
“Traitor,” Jensen mumbled.
“This says it’s for Vicki,” Jared pointed out.
“Possession is nine tenths of the law.”
“That’s not even relevant,” Jensen snapped and then looked down quickly when Misha gave him a disappointed glare.
“Just tell me what happened,” Misha said gently and laid his hand across Jensen’s back.
“No.”
“Jensen,” Misha said in a warning voice, like he was toddler about to touch a hot stove.
“I’ve been trying for five years, dude,” Jared said. “I can’t get it out of him, no one can.”
“Jensen?” Misha asked again and Jensen just scowled down at the stack of his own headshots.
“I just hate that fucking guy.”
The End