Sep 25, 2009 05:03
I called into work "sad" today.
And got away with it. XD
My boss knows and fears the postpartum.
Smart man.
I just really hope this fades soon as I actually have had to contact a few hotline numbers for severe hormonal outbreaks that completely floor me into a quivering mess of what was once a very 'together' woman. It doesn't help that I have other things going on, and my judgment hasn't exactly been the best in the last few months and I'm more than paying the price for it now (lessons hard learned, oh yes) -- on top of feeling guilty for that little part of me that could have been a person that I won't have the chance to meet.
I mean, I'm pro-choice. Of course I am, otherwise I never would have had my pregnancy terminated.
But I could feel its heartbeat as I pressed my hand against my stomach (which I didn't think was possible so early), and though every living creature possesses a heartbeat.... this is far far so very far from the mice my cats love crunching on or the spider I scream at and squish with my shoe.
Humans are far more fragile, I think, despite our echelon in the food chain.
That's why I definitely feel that I made the right choice. When I really become a mother, I'm going to do it right and protect that fragility to the fullest of my abilities.
For now, I'm not fit as a mother. Not yet. I will be someday, and now realize I definitely want to be, but even at 26 (27 next week, but whatever) I still feel like a child, myself.
I think I feel some amount of guilt that I'm not a strong enough person. Or have enough money. And that I made a stupid mistake and got knocked up in the first place.
And all this, I can actually deal with.
And I can deal with the fact that my ex abandoned me when I needed a hand in mine the most.
But with the hormones having their way with me?
I'll be damned if I'm not taking "sad days" off work.
kelsey swears she isn't overreacting