The Top Seven "Eh, They're OK, I Guess" Bond Girls.
I generally dislike hype. It took me 10 years to watch "Top Gun" because people just wouldn't fucking shut up about it. I eventually rented and watched "The Crow" to avoid the inevitable "You haven't seen THE CROW? Brandon Lee REALLY DIES, MAN! We're watching it right fucking now!" scene.
Like any rule, there are exceptions. One of which, of course, is James Bond. One thing I love about the impending release of a new Bond film is the slew of articles about the previous films that tend to come out in the month or two before release. So, I checked it out when I saw this link on Fark for EW.com's article on "The 10 Worst Bond Girls."
http://www.ew.com/ew/article/commentary/0,6115,1557891_1||365612|0_0_,00.html
Ok, disagree with some, agree with others, complete agreement about their choice for number 1. (To paraphrase The Self-Made Critic, "Who'd have thought that the role to PROVE that Denise Richards can't act would be Bond Girl?")
But then my eye caught their follow-up article, "The 10 Best Bond Girls." What the shit? There've only been 20 films. If you're going to do a Ten Worst article, your follow-up Ten Best article should only be eight words: The Ones That Weren't On The Other List. This required investigation.
Rosa Klebb and Xenia Onatopp on the Top Ten list? They were HENCHWOMEN, not Bond Girls! Bond never nailed either of them, thus marking them as his. You can't count them! Sure, women who started out wanting to kill him became Bond Girls, but neither of those two was ever redeemed by "The Gold-Finger." (Ok, YOU try coming up with a euphemism for Bond's cock! I retired from phallus-naming after the scene in "Licence to Kill" where Q looks like he's putting the moves on Pam Bouvier and I chimed in with "Give 'er the Q Branch!" Figured my work was done.)
I figure if Moneypenny can't be on the list, we can't count henchwomen either. And where was Sylvia Trench? She's the only woman Bond's ever called back the next film, and she's not on either list. And you'd certainly never call M a Bond Girl. Not if you don't want to end up being turned into one yourself.
I went to jamesbond.com and got their list of Bond Girls, and from the two sources, decided that there are three factors involved: Actually screwing Bond, advancing the plot, and not trying to kill him by the end of the film and/or the time of your death, whichever comes first. So, with that in mind, I give you my list of The Top Seven "Eh, They're Ok, I Guess" Bond Girls. This will be part 1 of 2 so I don't feel obligated to cut-tag it.
7. Paris Carver (Teri Hatcher) "Tomorrow Never Dies"
I think this is the first time Bond's ever actually had to be ordered "Go fuck this chick" in the mission briefing. Smart enough to marry money, but not smart enough to think anything of the occasional maniacal cackle coming from her husband or think "He's got this entire building wired for sound and video, maybe I should go somewhere else to talk about old times with my secret agent ex-boyfriend." That kinda dumb DOES deserve a bullet in the head from Vincent Schiavelli.
6. Lupe Lamora (Talisa Soto) "Licence To Kill"
"Oh, yeah," you may be thinking. "There WAS another girl in that one! Carey Lowell sucked the life out of every scene she was in so badly that I forgot." I forgive you. Yes, there was. Before she rose to international stardom as Kitana in the Mortal Kombat films, Talisa Soto was part of the final nail in Timothy Dalton's coffin as Bond. And so forgettable at it that Bond pawned her off by basically pushing her toward another guy and saying "Here, this guy's rich." Then again, we don't usually get to SEE his relationships end, maybe that's standard practice. It WOULD explain why we never see him having to wade through a sea of women with screaming infants demanding child support on his way to the office.
5. Domino (Claudine Auger) "Thunderball"
Hello. My name is Domino. You killed my brother. Prepare to die. Oh, and I'm screwing Bond now and not you. Ha-ha!
Like any rule, there are exceptions. One of which, of course, is James Bond. One thing I love about the impending release of a new Bond film is the slew of articles about the previous films that tend to come out in the month or two before release. So, I checked it out when I saw this link on Fark for EW.com's article on "The 10 Worst Bond Girls."
http://www.ew.com/ew/article/commentary/0,6115,1557891_1||365612|0_0_,00.html
Ok, disagree with some, agree with others, complete agreement about their choice for number 1. (To paraphrase The Self-Made Critic, "Who'd have thought that the role to PROVE that Denise Richards can't act would be Bond Girl?")
But then my eye caught their follow-up article, "The 10 Best Bond Girls." What the shit? There've only been 20 films. If you're going to do a Ten Worst article, your follow-up Ten Best article should only be eight words: The Ones That Weren't On The Other List. This required investigation.
Rosa Klebb and Xenia Onatopp on the Top Ten list? They were HENCHWOMEN, not Bond Girls! Bond never nailed either of them, thus marking them as his. You can't count them! Sure, women who started out wanting to kill him became Bond Girls, but neither of those two was ever redeemed by "The Gold-Finger." (Ok, YOU try coming up with a euphemism for Bond's cock! I retired from phallus-naming after the scene in "Licence to Kill" where Q looks like he's putting the moves on Pam Bouvier and I chimed in with "Give 'er the Q Branch!" Figured my work was done.)
I figure if Moneypenny can't be on the list, we can't count henchwomen either. And where was Sylvia Trench? She's the only woman Bond's ever called back the next film, and she's not on either list. And you'd certainly never call M a Bond Girl. Not if you don't want to end up being turned into one yourself.
I went to jamesbond.com and got their list of Bond Girls, and from the two sources, decided that there are three factors involved: Actually screwing Bond, advancing the plot, and not trying to kill him by the end of the film and/or the time of your death, whichever comes first. So, with that in mind, I give you my list of The Top Seven "Eh, They're Ok, I Guess" Bond Girls. This will be part 1 of 2 so I don't feel obligated to cut-tag it.
7. Paris Carver (Teri Hatcher) "Tomorrow Never Dies"
I think this is the first time Bond's ever actually had to be ordered "Go fuck this chick" in the mission briefing. Smart enough to marry money, but not smart enough to think anything of the occasional maniacal cackle coming from her husband or think "He's got this entire building wired for sound and video, maybe I should go somewhere else to talk about old times with my secret agent ex-boyfriend." That kinda dumb DOES deserve a bullet in the head from Vincent Schiavelli.
6. Lupe Lamora (Talisa Soto) "Licence To Kill"
"Oh, yeah," you may be thinking. "There WAS another girl in that one! Carey Lowell sucked the life out of every scene she was in so badly that I forgot." I forgive you. Yes, there was. Before she rose to international stardom as Kitana in the Mortal Kombat films, Talisa Soto was part of the final nail in Timothy Dalton's coffin as Bond. And so forgettable at it that Bond pawned her off by basically pushing her toward another guy and saying "Here, this guy's rich." Then again, we don't usually get to SEE his relationships end, maybe that's standard practice. It WOULD explain why we never see him having to wade through a sea of women with screaming infants demanding child support on his way to the office.
5. Domino (Claudine Auger) "Thunderball"
Hello. My name is Domino. You killed my brother. Prepare to die. Oh, and I'm screwing Bond now and not you. Ha-ha!