catching up
Sitting here in front of the fire, candles lit, listening to the rain pound down outside. It's kind of odd that I would take so much pleasure in such a simple thing, but I do. I guess it's partly because it's a rare confluence of events. Yeah, it rains occasionally, and I do light a fire in the fireplace every now and then. But very rarely do I get to just sit by myself and enjoy these things. So that's what I'm doing tonight.
And catching up with my journal. Even though I don't write very many entries I've found that I feel guilty if I let it go for too long. Plus, I know it's probably good for me. I need some form of catharsis these days and God knows I'm not getting much physical exercise. I tend to underestimate the impact that writing has in helping me release my feelings and move forward. So without further ado, I present my feelings of late.
Regarding E., intense longing, sadness, anxiety, fear, hope. I miss her so very much. I still haven't heard anything from her and I've made no attempt to contact her. I'm committed to making it six months of no contact, but it's killing me. Last night she commented on a photo I put up on Facebook. She actually used my name in the comment and I freaked out. Does she consider that "contact"? Does one Facebook comment suddenly invalidate the previous three months? I'm doing six months of no contact, but is she? My phone rang today with a 619 number and I was afraid to pick it up, fearful that it might be her. If we don't do the no contact for six months thing, then her ethical obligations prevent us from ever having a romantic relationship. So in my mind, as long as I continue not to hear from her, it's generally a good thing because it means there's some chance that maybe, maybe, maybe in some alternate universe at some point in the future (post February 5) if God decides he really, really likes me, she'll return my feelings.
Probably there are other things I should be thinking about besides E., but even with all the anxiety and sadness, she's still my favorite. I guess I've done a bit of thinking about where R. and I went wrong, but I can't seem to come up with any significant learnings from the relationship. Seems like after six years there should be something I could take away from it in terms of things to do differently in the future, but I just haven't found it yet. Maybe I need to keep sifting through the rubble but that gets pretty old pretty quick and I'd much rather focus on the future.
Probably I also should not let my imagination run as wild as I have about the future, specifically as it pertains to E. I imagine what it would be like to date her. You know, like bring her flowers, hold her hand, take her to dinner, go to a concert with her. And then I'm on to meeting her family and how nervous that would make me. And her meeting my family and how nervous that would probably make both of us. I think about how sweet it would be to spend Christmas together, with either of our families. I try to imagine our wedding. I've already made a mental note to try to find out what sort of wedding she wants. She strikes me as the sort of woman who's been dreaming about her wedding for years and has every single detail already lined up in her mind. Anyway, I think about what it would be like to be married again, especially to her. I imagine us adopting a kid, maybe two, and posing for a family photo. I wonder what it would be like to have a child call me "Mom." Since I decided I didn't want children of my own, I never thought about that. But now I am.
Obviously, if she does have feelings for me, we'll have plenty of time to sort all this out. *grin* But I also figure these are some larger issues (i.e. marriage and adoption) that I would benefit from doing some thinking about regardless of who my love interest turns out to be. At least, that's my official excuse for thinking about her constantly.
When I'm not thinking about our future together (a very pleasant activity), I'm trying to figure out what's going on in her head while we're not communicating (an exercise in futility, but one I can't seem to stop engaging in). I'm hoping that the lack of communication on her part (with the exception of the one Facebook comment) means that she does have some feelings for me. She's posted a couple of things/comments on Facebook about how she's still looking for that special someone. She posted a link to a beautiful Marc Cohn song called "True Companion." Wow. It's so totally the way I feel about her. Is that the way she feels about me? I'm dying to find out.
Certainly there were some hints back when. She never seemed to want to say goodbye when we got together. She always dressed nicely and did the hair and makeup thing if she wasn't coming directly from work. She talked about how six months of no contact would be "sooooo hard." Why would they be so hard if she didn't care about me? There were a variety of other small comments. The kicker was probably when she was talking about a movie she really liked. When I asked her what it was about, she said it was about a lesbian who ended up falling for her married, straight best friend. Uh, much of a coincidence? She said it was a really great movie and when I asked her what it was called she told me. There was something about that whole exchange that suggested it meant more to her than she was letting on. I immediately went home and watched it.
I realize I'm probably making a lot of this stuff up. I realize that if February rolls around and all she wants is friendship, I'll be very, very disappointed. I know that as much as she wants to find someone to love, she's beyond terrified of the prospect. Even if she's totally and completely crazy about me, I know she's very reluctant to enter any kind of relationship. These things all depress me, so I usually end up returning to thinking about how I'm going to woo her. Of course I imagine myself being successful and then I end up going back down the happy road I described above. :-)
So that's pretty much where my head and heart are at these days. Just passing time until February 5th when I can talk to her again.
And catching up with my journal. Even though I don't write very many entries I've found that I feel guilty if I let it go for too long. Plus, I know it's probably good for me. I need some form of catharsis these days and God knows I'm not getting much physical exercise. I tend to underestimate the impact that writing has in helping me release my feelings and move forward. So without further ado, I present my feelings of late.
Regarding E., intense longing, sadness, anxiety, fear, hope. I miss her so very much. I still haven't heard anything from her and I've made no attempt to contact her. I'm committed to making it six months of no contact, but it's killing me. Last night she commented on a photo I put up on Facebook. She actually used my name in the comment and I freaked out. Does she consider that "contact"? Does one Facebook comment suddenly invalidate the previous three months? I'm doing six months of no contact, but is she? My phone rang today with a 619 number and I was afraid to pick it up, fearful that it might be her. If we don't do the no contact for six months thing, then her ethical obligations prevent us from ever having a romantic relationship. So in my mind, as long as I continue not to hear from her, it's generally a good thing because it means there's some chance that maybe, maybe, maybe in some alternate universe at some point in the future (post February 5) if God decides he really, really likes me, she'll return my feelings.
Probably there are other things I should be thinking about besides E., but even with all the anxiety and sadness, she's still my favorite. I guess I've done a bit of thinking about where R. and I went wrong, but I can't seem to come up with any significant learnings from the relationship. Seems like after six years there should be something I could take away from it in terms of things to do differently in the future, but I just haven't found it yet. Maybe I need to keep sifting through the rubble but that gets pretty old pretty quick and I'd much rather focus on the future.
Probably I also should not let my imagination run as wild as I have about the future, specifically as it pertains to E. I imagine what it would be like to date her. You know, like bring her flowers, hold her hand, take her to dinner, go to a concert with her. And then I'm on to meeting her family and how nervous that would make me. And her meeting my family and how nervous that would probably make both of us. I think about how sweet it would be to spend Christmas together, with either of our families. I try to imagine our wedding. I've already made a mental note to try to find out what sort of wedding she wants. She strikes me as the sort of woman who's been dreaming about her wedding for years and has every single detail already lined up in her mind. Anyway, I think about what it would be like to be married again, especially to her. I imagine us adopting a kid, maybe two, and posing for a family photo. I wonder what it would be like to have a child call me "Mom." Since I decided I didn't want children of my own, I never thought about that. But now I am.
Obviously, if she does have feelings for me, we'll have plenty of time to sort all this out. *grin* But I also figure these are some larger issues (i.e. marriage and adoption) that I would benefit from doing some thinking about regardless of who my love interest turns out to be. At least, that's my official excuse for thinking about her constantly.
When I'm not thinking about our future together (a very pleasant activity), I'm trying to figure out what's going on in her head while we're not communicating (an exercise in futility, but one I can't seem to stop engaging in). I'm hoping that the lack of communication on her part (with the exception of the one Facebook comment) means that she does have some feelings for me. She's posted a couple of things/comments on Facebook about how she's still looking for that special someone. She posted a link to a beautiful Marc Cohn song called "True Companion." Wow. It's so totally the way I feel about her. Is that the way she feels about me? I'm dying to find out.
Certainly there were some hints back when. She never seemed to want to say goodbye when we got together. She always dressed nicely and did the hair and makeup thing if she wasn't coming directly from work. She talked about how six months of no contact would be "sooooo hard." Why would they be so hard if she didn't care about me? There were a variety of other small comments. The kicker was probably when she was talking about a movie she really liked. When I asked her what it was about, she said it was about a lesbian who ended up falling for her married, straight best friend. Uh, much of a coincidence? She said it was a really great movie and when I asked her what it was called she told me. There was something about that whole exchange that suggested it meant more to her than she was letting on. I immediately went home and watched it.
I realize I'm probably making a lot of this stuff up. I realize that if February rolls around and all she wants is friendship, I'll be very, very disappointed. I know that as much as she wants to find someone to love, she's beyond terrified of the prospect. Even if she's totally and completely crazy about me, I know she's very reluctant to enter any kind of relationship. These things all depress me, so I usually end up returning to thinking about how I'm going to woo her. Of course I imagine myself being successful and then I end up going back down the happy road I described above. :-)
So that's pretty much where my head and heart are at these days. Just passing time until February 5th when I can talk to her again.