The Landscape
It was another tough day today. I spent most of the morning feeling sad about the split with R. and second guessing myself. The old brain was in overdrive. "Why the hell are you doing this again? Why are you causing both of you such pain? What is it you hope to get out of this again?" Repeat endlessly.
Then this afternoon my already bleak emotional landscape turned absolutely blighted. I guess because anger is easier to feel than sadness, I started to get pretty pissed off at E. and her behavior. Or rather, the total lack of behavior. In a nutshell, the minute I suggested we consider being more than friends, she (metaphorically) ran screaming the other way. Actually, it's not really metaphorical at all. A week after my original suggestion she sent an email saying, in effect, no thanks. I was briefly disappointed but by then I'd already had the first of a series of tough conversations with R., so my capacity for emotional turmoil had already been reached.
What really chaps my ass is this -- I replied to her email with one of my own that said thanks for telling me how you feel, and not to worry it was just a thought I'd had. I also told her that Robin and I had officially split and that it was very, very sad. Have I heard a thing from her since then (10 days ago)? No.
For some reason, I started thinking about that today and it really pissed me off. I've had several neighbors ask me how I'm doing, tell me to hang in there, tell me they're praying for me. But my so-called friend? Nothing. I'm really re-thinking how much I want to have a friendship with her if she's basically going to bail on me whenever she feels uncomfortable. Would it kill her to shoot me an email saying "Hang in there kiddo!" I feel like she's pretty much decided what I'm feeling, what I want, and how I'm going to act around her, all based on her past experience and not on who I really am and how I've acted in our relationship thus far.
I'm still pretty maxed out emotionally over the split with R. but apparently I've got enough juice to get torqued about E. too. Hah. Not sure what that says about me.
In other news of the random, someone has put a tiny statue in the ivy near where the dog takes his bedtime stroll. It's a little girl kneeling, holding a glass orb, looking at it curiously. Odd.
Then this afternoon my already bleak emotional landscape turned absolutely blighted. I guess because anger is easier to feel than sadness, I started to get pretty pissed off at E. and her behavior. Or rather, the total lack of behavior. In a nutshell, the minute I suggested we consider being more than friends, she (metaphorically) ran screaming the other way. Actually, it's not really metaphorical at all. A week after my original suggestion she sent an email saying, in effect, no thanks. I was briefly disappointed but by then I'd already had the first of a series of tough conversations with R., so my capacity for emotional turmoil had already been reached.
What really chaps my ass is this -- I replied to her email with one of my own that said thanks for telling me how you feel, and not to worry it was just a thought I'd had. I also told her that Robin and I had officially split and that it was very, very sad. Have I heard a thing from her since then (10 days ago)? No.
For some reason, I started thinking about that today and it really pissed me off. I've had several neighbors ask me how I'm doing, tell me to hang in there, tell me they're praying for me. But my so-called friend? Nothing. I'm really re-thinking how much I want to have a friendship with her if she's basically going to bail on me whenever she feels uncomfortable. Would it kill her to shoot me an email saying "Hang in there kiddo!" I feel like she's pretty much decided what I'm feeling, what I want, and how I'm going to act around her, all based on her past experience and not on who I really am and how I've acted in our relationship thus far.
I'm still pretty maxed out emotionally over the split with R. but apparently I've got enough juice to get torqued about E. too. Hah. Not sure what that says about me.
In other news of the random, someone has put a tiny statue in the ivy near where the dog takes his bedtime stroll. It's a little girl kneeling, holding a glass orb, looking at it curiously. Odd.