2005 - An Overview
What A Year...
This year - 2005 - can not be over soon enough.
This was easily the worst year of my life. There is no question, doubt, or reason not to believe so. Granted, the last two months have actually be pretty good to me, however, everything prior to that had some horror, wickedness, or futility lurking about it.
I had my fortune read to me last December by Valerie. At the time, she said, "Death will be about your house this year." Personally, I thought that it was funny, but - with 20/20 hindsight - she was more right than I truly care to admit.
Shortly after my Tarot Card Session, Gabriella took her life and Elizabeth was killed in a car wreck in Missouri. Coincidence? Probably.
However, much more was in store for me as the year went on. The beginning of the year said it all with Amy. Amy was a bright and fun girl, who probably had found her true soul mate in Elizabeth. Seeing Amy after Elizabeth's death reminded me of this scenario that I saw unfold on the lake behind my house when I was a kid.
Geese are partners for life. When they find a mate, that is the only one they will ever have. This one winter the lake was partially frozen on top, almost a slushy based water. A goose wandered out there and got frozen in the ice. The lake hardened and its mate eventually waddled out there to be by its side. The goose cried and cried, and people tried walking out there to help, but the lake is man-made with water pipes, so the ice will not sustain a person's body weight. Eventually, the frozen goose died. Its mate stayed by its side for a few more days and then it expired.
Biologically, I can tell you that both geese died of starvation and dehydration. However, if you were to ask me for my honest opinion, the second goose died of a broken heart.
Elizabeth and Amy were like those geese. Elizabeth died, and Amy mourned and mourned. In the end, Amy could not see a feasible way to live without her soul mate and took her own life.
I have thought about that day over and over again. Therapy did not work. Working did not help. So many questions that I will never have the answers to and, yet, I still continue to search for the truth in something that I know I will never find.
And that was the first week of the year...
In the next seven months, I would be put on an excursion that would be fun at times, but mainly dark. I speak of my internship.
I had many life experiences, the following are some of the highlights: Private jet travel, hand-to-hand combat training, weapons training, meeting new people, pummeling my self-defense instructor, seeing $3 million in cash, fighting, questioning, detaining, running, and knowing.
However, like every war novel (Or at least it seems this way), the idealism that I had - the notion that there was good to be done and we could do it - was taken away from me. All that remains now are the emotional and abundant physical scars.
My spring and summer were filled with work and school. In that time though, I almost lost everything that I hold so dear because I was betrayed, lied to, and dismissed. The anguish and pain that exists in my heart and mind will more than likely never heal because when you put your body, mind, and soul into something only to have to collapse in upon you, is something that is almost unbearable.
I look back on the year and most of you probably expect that to be the life jarring experience that I take away from this year. Most of the time, I would like to say that you are right, but that really is not the case here.
I thought long and hard about this year and realized that though this summer was moving and troubling in its own right, the most disturbing thing happened in March.
I lost Kim.
Kim, as some of you know, but most of you probably do not, was someone special to me. She was the kind of woman that you could talk to for hours. Be silent and still have a conversation with her. Know and never really know at all. She was beautiful, cunning, and everything that you could have ever hoped for in any person that you would ever encounter.
Kim was one of those people that if I were to die today and you were to ask me to list off the five people who greatly affected my life, she would more than likely be there.
The greed and pride of others though is what took her. Raped, stabbed, and left to die is not right, nor fair to anyone ever. Those who inflicted this fate upon her have been dealt with, but that breaks no comfort. That does not bring her back.
Also, in 2005, many other good people to me were lost. Mary to a drug overdose. Mike to mysterious causes. Alex to cancer. Drew to suicide. And two others who shall remain nameless, mainly because they were not so good to me.
In the end, it was about Death this year.
The only real positive from the early part of 2005 was how well I did in school.
This year has been closing on a seemingly good note. I am slightly happier than I have been in previous months. I am looking forward to 2006 with a slightly less pessimistic view.
What I do know is that I am more weary and battle-ridden than every before. At times, I feel tired. Believe it or not, I see the gray in my hair. I see the good, the bad, and - yes - the ugly. However, what I do also know is that 2006 can only be worse it something truly catastrophic happens...
This year - 2005 - can not be over soon enough.
This was easily the worst year of my life. There is no question, doubt, or reason not to believe so. Granted, the last two months have actually be pretty good to me, however, everything prior to that had some horror, wickedness, or futility lurking about it.
I had my fortune read to me last December by Valerie. At the time, she said, "Death will be about your house this year." Personally, I thought that it was funny, but - with 20/20 hindsight - she was more right than I truly care to admit.
Shortly after my Tarot Card Session, Gabriella took her life and Elizabeth was killed in a car wreck in Missouri. Coincidence? Probably.
However, much more was in store for me as the year went on. The beginning of the year said it all with Amy. Amy was a bright and fun girl, who probably had found her true soul mate in Elizabeth. Seeing Amy after Elizabeth's death reminded me of this scenario that I saw unfold on the lake behind my house when I was a kid.
Geese are partners for life. When they find a mate, that is the only one they will ever have. This one winter the lake was partially frozen on top, almost a slushy based water. A goose wandered out there and got frozen in the ice. The lake hardened and its mate eventually waddled out there to be by its side. The goose cried and cried, and people tried walking out there to help, but the lake is man-made with water pipes, so the ice will not sustain a person's body weight. Eventually, the frozen goose died. Its mate stayed by its side for a few more days and then it expired.
Biologically, I can tell you that both geese died of starvation and dehydration. However, if you were to ask me for my honest opinion, the second goose died of a broken heart.
Elizabeth and Amy were like those geese. Elizabeth died, and Amy mourned and mourned. In the end, Amy could not see a feasible way to live without her soul mate and took her own life.
I have thought about that day over and over again. Therapy did not work. Working did not help. So many questions that I will never have the answers to and, yet, I still continue to search for the truth in something that I know I will never find.
And that was the first week of the year...
In the next seven months, I would be put on an excursion that would be fun at times, but mainly dark. I speak of my internship.
I had many life experiences, the following are some of the highlights: Private jet travel, hand-to-hand combat training, weapons training, meeting new people, pummeling my self-defense instructor, seeing $3 million in cash, fighting, questioning, detaining, running, and knowing.
However, like every war novel (Or at least it seems this way), the idealism that I had - the notion that there was good to be done and we could do it - was taken away from me. All that remains now are the emotional and abundant physical scars.
My spring and summer were filled with work and school. In that time though, I almost lost everything that I hold so dear because I was betrayed, lied to, and dismissed. The anguish and pain that exists in my heart and mind will more than likely never heal because when you put your body, mind, and soul into something only to have to collapse in upon you, is something that is almost unbearable.
I look back on the year and most of you probably expect that to be the life jarring experience that I take away from this year. Most of the time, I would like to say that you are right, but that really is not the case here.
I thought long and hard about this year and realized that though this summer was moving and troubling in its own right, the most disturbing thing happened in March.
I lost Kim.
Kim, as some of you know, but most of you probably do not, was someone special to me. She was the kind of woman that you could talk to for hours. Be silent and still have a conversation with her. Know and never really know at all. She was beautiful, cunning, and everything that you could have ever hoped for in any person that you would ever encounter.
Kim was one of those people that if I were to die today and you were to ask me to list off the five people who greatly affected my life, she would more than likely be there.
The greed and pride of others though is what took her. Raped, stabbed, and left to die is not right, nor fair to anyone ever. Those who inflicted this fate upon her have been dealt with, but that breaks no comfort. That does not bring her back.
Also, in 2005, many other good people to me were lost. Mary to a drug overdose. Mike to mysterious causes. Alex to cancer. Drew to suicide. And two others who shall remain nameless, mainly because they were not so good to me.
In the end, it was about Death this year.
The only real positive from the early part of 2005 was how well I did in school.
This year has been closing on a seemingly good note. I am slightly happier than I have been in previous months. I am looking forward to 2006 with a slightly less pessimistic view.
What I do know is that I am more weary and battle-ridden than every before. At times, I feel tired. Believe it or not, I see the gray in my hair. I see the good, the bad, and - yes - the ugly. However, what I do also know is that 2006 can only be worse it something truly catastrophic happens...