Gender in the LGBT Community
Grey has apparently been feeling the need to write this for several weeks and finally posted it to his Facebook page today. I'm touched and proud that he felt compelled to write it. Since I don't really do Facebook, I'm reposting it here with his permission.
Gender in the LGBT Community - A Message to the LGBT Community
by Grey Cross on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 4:36pm
It’s a little known fact to my friends and associates that my partner is transgender. In fact it's no one's business but his own as he takes this remarkable journey of the body to become what his heart and soul has always told him he should be. A man. But a recent incident pushes me to translate into words some of my feelings regarding his journey.
For me, the honor or walking at his side as he transforms from feminine to masculine has been, to say the least, an eye and mind opening experience. I can safely say that watching his struggles and triumphs has made me reexamine my own beliefs of gender.
All of us who are not what some consider “straight”, have battled with what it means to be male and female. We think, because we face it as bi, gay and lesbian that we can speak with authority on the issue. But have we ever examined our own biases?
Over the recent Halloween holiday weekend, I came face to face with this issue and I am ashamed to say, I handled it badly. Enjoying the heady air of costumes and liquor, my partner and I did as so many others and wandered out to the French Quarter of New Orleans. We both decided leather was appropriate that night, I of course the Dom, my partner the sub, complete with leash and collar. We happily went off to hit the various alternative bars of New Orleans gay universe.
Of all the nights where “Gender” should be the least of issues, especially within the confines of our own LGBT Community, it crept up like the true evil that Halloween so mimics and sought to strangle our open mindedness.
Standing in line at one of the various popular gay clubs, we were stopped at the door and told that my partner could not enter, that they didn’t allow “HER KIND” inside. Sternly I said “He’s a man” and continued towards the door. Yet we were stopped again and asked if we had ID because we would be questioned if we entered.
I admit I was at a loss for words. Part of me wanted to lecture the doormen. Part me wanted to hit first and to hell if I got arrested. Shaken up I took my partner proudly by the hand and said we didn’t need this and walked away.
Now I’ve done much soul searching on this since it occurred. Was it right to be turned away? Was it proper? Our clubs can get a bit rowdy and (dare I say it), sexual at times, especially during a holiday. Was the rule there to protect others? Was it a violation of our rights? I find the answer to both is yes.
I understand the reasoning behind a rule to protect privacy and interaction within the walls of that establishment. But at the same time, a rule that allows no flexibility in a community that THRIVES on its ability to break the mold and be whoever we wish to be, is a rule that has no place in our community.
To those at the door who turned us away. You have an obligation to your employer, but I want you to consider the deeper meaning behind this and whether you stand to improve our community or tear a hole in what we are seeking so desperately to heal.
Is this the way we should be treating the transgender of our community? Is this the way we help each other come to terms with who are or who we might want to become? Are we not committing the same mistake that the straight community makes? Yes, it is now acceptable for a gay or lesbian person to walk into a straight bar, but how outraged would we be if that same bar stopped a man dressed in drag from entering? We would be appalled and we would be taking to the streets in protest.
So why would we not be appalled at one of our own establishments who bars a transgender person from entering just because they deem him “NOT MALE ENOUGH”?
If we cannot be accepting of our own people in our own community, do we have the right to complain when others treat us the same way?
The only way to heal the world is by healing ourselves first. No matter what you choose to be, you have a right to be accepted. And those who interact with you are blessed to be able to see the world through your eyes for a moment and become better people (and better organizations) because of you.
I hope all our local LGBT organization, clubs, bars, etc. will reexamine their policies and realize that THEY above all have an obligation towards open mindedness and inclusiveness to ALL those who make up our community. And I hope they realize that ultimately we have the choice to support those organizations or deem them a hazard to our community and not a benefit.
Thanks for reading.
Grey Cross
(November 2012)
Gender in the LGBT Community - A Message to the LGBT Community
by Grey Cross on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 at 4:36pm
It’s a little known fact to my friends and associates that my partner is transgender. In fact it's no one's business but his own as he takes this remarkable journey of the body to become what his heart and soul has always told him he should be. A man. But a recent incident pushes me to translate into words some of my feelings regarding his journey.
For me, the honor or walking at his side as he transforms from feminine to masculine has been, to say the least, an eye and mind opening experience. I can safely say that watching his struggles and triumphs has made me reexamine my own beliefs of gender.
All of us who are not what some consider “straight”, have battled with what it means to be male and female. We think, because we face it as bi, gay and lesbian that we can speak with authority on the issue. But have we ever examined our own biases?
Over the recent Halloween holiday weekend, I came face to face with this issue and I am ashamed to say, I handled it badly. Enjoying the heady air of costumes and liquor, my partner and I did as so many others and wandered out to the French Quarter of New Orleans. We both decided leather was appropriate that night, I of course the Dom, my partner the sub, complete with leash and collar. We happily went off to hit the various alternative bars of New Orleans gay universe.
Of all the nights where “Gender” should be the least of issues, especially within the confines of our own LGBT Community, it crept up like the true evil that Halloween so mimics and sought to strangle our open mindedness.
Standing in line at one of the various popular gay clubs, we were stopped at the door and told that my partner could not enter, that they didn’t allow “HER KIND” inside. Sternly I said “He’s a man” and continued towards the door. Yet we were stopped again and asked if we had ID because we would be questioned if we entered.
I admit I was at a loss for words. Part of me wanted to lecture the doormen. Part me wanted to hit first and to hell if I got arrested. Shaken up I took my partner proudly by the hand and said we didn’t need this and walked away.
Now I’ve done much soul searching on this since it occurred. Was it right to be turned away? Was it proper? Our clubs can get a bit rowdy and (dare I say it), sexual at times, especially during a holiday. Was the rule there to protect others? Was it a violation of our rights? I find the answer to both is yes.
I understand the reasoning behind a rule to protect privacy and interaction within the walls of that establishment. But at the same time, a rule that allows no flexibility in a community that THRIVES on its ability to break the mold and be whoever we wish to be, is a rule that has no place in our community.
To those at the door who turned us away. You have an obligation to your employer, but I want you to consider the deeper meaning behind this and whether you stand to improve our community or tear a hole in what we are seeking so desperately to heal.
Is this the way we should be treating the transgender of our community? Is this the way we help each other come to terms with who are or who we might want to become? Are we not committing the same mistake that the straight community makes? Yes, it is now acceptable for a gay or lesbian person to walk into a straight bar, but how outraged would we be if that same bar stopped a man dressed in drag from entering? We would be appalled and we would be taking to the streets in protest.
So why would we not be appalled at one of our own establishments who bars a transgender person from entering just because they deem him “NOT MALE ENOUGH”?
If we cannot be accepting of our own people in our own community, do we have the right to complain when others treat us the same way?
The only way to heal the world is by healing ourselves first. No matter what you choose to be, you have a right to be accepted. And those who interact with you are blessed to be able to see the world through your eyes for a moment and become better people (and better organizations) because of you.
I hope all our local LGBT organization, clubs, bars, etc. will reexamine their policies and realize that THEY above all have an obligation towards open mindedness and inclusiveness to ALL those who make up our community. And I hope they realize that ultimately we have the choice to support those organizations or deem them a hazard to our community and not a benefit.
Thanks for reading.
Grey Cross
(November 2012)