In Which Michaela is Between a Rock and a Hard Place
[Cowritten with sexydocman. Follows THIS.]
Noah wasn't in the office that day. Which, in and of itself, was frustrating. While part of her was happy that she didn't have to see him, she was hoping that they would get the chance to talk. Obviously, they couldn't do that if he wasn't there. She didn't want to do this on his turf, or hers for that matter. She wanted neutral ground and for the most part, the hospital was that. But since he couldn't seem to give her that for right now, she was going to have to work with what she had, which was -- nothing. She wasn't even sure as to what she wanted to say to him, and that, in and of itself was a problem. Because she didn't want to say the wrong thing to him.
She didn't want to lose him. She'd thought -- they were getting somewhere. Apparently, however, he was more of a mess than she'd anticipated, and she didn't know if she could handle that. She didn't know if she should handle that. She didn't know why he was this way, and she wanted to help him, but she didn't know how to do that. For right now, however, they needed to talk, and if they had to do that over the phone, than so be it.
She sat down at her desk before picking up her phone, dialing his number and leaning back in her chair, massaging her temples slightly as she did. This was probably going to be harder than she wanted it to be.
He was asleep again when his phone rang. He had been sleeping on and off all day, and he felt like shit. With a grumble he grabbed his phone to look at the caller ID. When he saw who was calling he sat up in his bed and flipped the phone open. "Hi," he said groggily.
"Hi," she said softly, running a hand through her hair. "You didn't come in to work today, are you feeling okay?"
"Mmm, I guess. Luckily I already had the day off. Kinda feel like I was hit by a humvee."
"Oh," she said with a nod, before her voice dropped off, not really sure where to go from there.
He sighed and leaned back, his hand rubbing his face slowly. "How are you?"
"I'm -- fine," she said slowly, before looking down at her hands, thinking that maybe this was better to do over the phone, to keep herself both from getting too emotional and from caving on the things she really needed to say. "Look, we need to talk."
"Yea, we probably do." He chewed his lip a moment. "Did you want to meet somewhere?"
"No, it's -- it's probably better if we did this now," she said with a slight sigh.
"Right...okay." He went quiet, not too sure what he should say. He wasn't really sure there was anything he could say.
Michaela closed her eyes, before starting to speak again. "You -- you need help, Noah. I want to help you. I do. And I used to think I could -- but. I'm not so sure anymore."
He closed his eyes and started pulling at the hair on his chin. "I...don't want you to help me," he said quietly. "I just...want you to be here."
"Do you?" she asked, her voice sounding somewhat incredulous. "Everything you do seems to be a cry for help. If you're not crying out to me, then who? And given what you told me last night, I'm not even sure if you really want me there, or you're just saying that to try and make me feel better."
He sighed and shook his head, leaning his face into his hand more. "No." He went quiet, struggling with his words. "I...don't know why I do these things...I don't. I just...try to make it all less loud and...I don't think you should be with me.....but I want you with me. I do."
"Look -- I don't really think you're in a place to be with anyone right now," she said softly. "You need to get yourself sorted out first, and until you do, me being there isn't going to change anything. I'm not going to enable you, Noah. I can't."
"I don't need help," he said tightly. "It...was just a bad week. I'm okay when you're around..."
"And how many bad weeks are going to have while we're together?" she asked, her voice starting to get angry now. "How many bad weeks are there going to be where I narrowly escape being cheated on because you decided to go drink yourself into oblivion. This isn't healthy, Noah, and this is one of the reasons why I'm not sleeping with you. Because somewhere, in the back of my mind I knew -- " She took a deep breath, burying her face in her hand as she tried to get control of herself. "I want to be with you, Noah. I do. There are times when I see things in you and I wish you could see them, because they're worth hanging on to. But I can't be with you when you're like this. I can't be with you, and sit here wondering whether or not you're out drinking and are bringing someone home because I'm not there."
His hand fell against the bed and his eyes went up to the ceiling as he started to shut down. "This is who I am, alright? The guy you hated when I first moved here. I've told you that. Maybe...you were just hoping to fix me. I don't know why else...." he shook his head. "This is Noah. You're welcome to leave it."
Her eyes fell to her hands again, and she sighed. "It's not all you are. I've seen more there, but if that's all you want to be, then there's nothing I could do to fix that. So maybe you're right and maybe I should."
"You're the one saying you can't be with me. I've told you I want you....it's up to you."
She closed her eyes for a moment, before responding. "You need help, Noah. Whether you believe me or not, and I can't be with you until you find some way to balance your life out. I just -- can't be the sanity for both of us."
His jaw tightened and he nodded. "Right," he said softly.
"I'm sorry. I really am."
He shrugged even though she couldn't see it. "Like I said," he spoke quietly. "You're better off."
"Maybe you're right, maybe you're not," she sighed. "Guess we'll never know."
He didn't know what to say to that, so he said nothing.
She was quiet for a moment, before looking back down at the table. "I should go."
"I'm sorry, Michaela," he murmured.
"Me too," she sighed. "Goodbye, Noah."
He just hung up slowly, unable to say anything else.
She did the same, before burying her head in her hands on the desk. She just wished that that hadn't been all she'd had to say.
Noah wasn't in the office that day. Which, in and of itself, was frustrating. While part of her was happy that she didn't have to see him, she was hoping that they would get the chance to talk. Obviously, they couldn't do that if he wasn't there. She didn't want to do this on his turf, or hers for that matter. She wanted neutral ground and for the most part, the hospital was that. But since he couldn't seem to give her that for right now, she was going to have to work with what she had, which was -- nothing. She wasn't even sure as to what she wanted to say to him, and that, in and of itself was a problem. Because she didn't want to say the wrong thing to him.
She didn't want to lose him. She'd thought -- they were getting somewhere. Apparently, however, he was more of a mess than she'd anticipated, and she didn't know if she could handle that. She didn't know if she should handle that. She didn't know why he was this way, and she wanted to help him, but she didn't know how to do that. For right now, however, they needed to talk, and if they had to do that over the phone, than so be it.
She sat down at her desk before picking up her phone, dialing his number and leaning back in her chair, massaging her temples slightly as she did. This was probably going to be harder than she wanted it to be.
He was asleep again when his phone rang. He had been sleeping on and off all day, and he felt like shit. With a grumble he grabbed his phone to look at the caller ID. When he saw who was calling he sat up in his bed and flipped the phone open. "Hi," he said groggily.
"Hi," she said softly, running a hand through her hair. "You didn't come in to work today, are you feeling okay?"
"Mmm, I guess. Luckily I already had the day off. Kinda feel like I was hit by a humvee."
"Oh," she said with a nod, before her voice dropped off, not really sure where to go from there.
He sighed and leaned back, his hand rubbing his face slowly. "How are you?"
"I'm -- fine," she said slowly, before looking down at her hands, thinking that maybe this was better to do over the phone, to keep herself both from getting too emotional and from caving on the things she really needed to say. "Look, we need to talk."
"Yea, we probably do." He chewed his lip a moment. "Did you want to meet somewhere?"
"No, it's -- it's probably better if we did this now," she said with a slight sigh.
"Right...okay." He went quiet, not too sure what he should say. He wasn't really sure there was anything he could say.
Michaela closed her eyes, before starting to speak again. "You -- you need help, Noah. I want to help you. I do. And I used to think I could -- but. I'm not so sure anymore."
He closed his eyes and started pulling at the hair on his chin. "I...don't want you to help me," he said quietly. "I just...want you to be here."
"Do you?" she asked, her voice sounding somewhat incredulous. "Everything you do seems to be a cry for help. If you're not crying out to me, then who? And given what you told me last night, I'm not even sure if you really want me there, or you're just saying that to try and make me feel better."
He sighed and shook his head, leaning his face into his hand more. "No." He went quiet, struggling with his words. "I...don't know why I do these things...I don't. I just...try to make it all less loud and...I don't think you should be with me.....but I want you with me. I do."
"Look -- I don't really think you're in a place to be with anyone right now," she said softly. "You need to get yourself sorted out first, and until you do, me being there isn't going to change anything. I'm not going to enable you, Noah. I can't."
"I don't need help," he said tightly. "It...was just a bad week. I'm okay when you're around..."
"And how many bad weeks are going to have while we're together?" she asked, her voice starting to get angry now. "How many bad weeks are there going to be where I narrowly escape being cheated on because you decided to go drink yourself into oblivion. This isn't healthy, Noah, and this is one of the reasons why I'm not sleeping with you. Because somewhere, in the back of my mind I knew -- " She took a deep breath, burying her face in her hand as she tried to get control of herself. "I want to be with you, Noah. I do. There are times when I see things in you and I wish you could see them, because they're worth hanging on to. But I can't be with you when you're like this. I can't be with you, and sit here wondering whether or not you're out drinking and are bringing someone home because I'm not there."
His hand fell against the bed and his eyes went up to the ceiling as he started to shut down. "This is who I am, alright? The guy you hated when I first moved here. I've told you that. Maybe...you were just hoping to fix me. I don't know why else...." he shook his head. "This is Noah. You're welcome to leave it."
Her eyes fell to her hands again, and she sighed. "It's not all you are. I've seen more there, but if that's all you want to be, then there's nothing I could do to fix that. So maybe you're right and maybe I should."
"You're the one saying you can't be with me. I've told you I want you....it's up to you."
She closed her eyes for a moment, before responding. "You need help, Noah. Whether you believe me or not, and I can't be with you until you find some way to balance your life out. I just -- can't be the sanity for both of us."
His jaw tightened and he nodded. "Right," he said softly.
"I'm sorry. I really am."
He shrugged even though she couldn't see it. "Like I said," he spoke quietly. "You're better off."
"Maybe you're right, maybe you're not," she sighed. "Guess we'll never know."
He didn't know what to say to that, so he said nothing.
She was quiet for a moment, before looking back down at the table. "I should go."
"I'm sorry, Michaela," he murmured.
"Me too," she sighed. "Goodbye, Noah."
He just hung up slowly, unable to say anything else.
She did the same, before burying her head in her hands on the desk. She just wished that that hadn't been all she'd had to say.