The line is thinly drawn between joy and sorrow
I recognize all the symptoms: lack of interest in updating, lack of interest in reading other people’s journals. Even my last several entries haven’t even been my own words but rather selected works of others that express what I want to say far more eloquently than anything that I could write. Classic symptoms of LiveJournal death, indeed. I know them well as I’ve gone through four of these things before the birth of Doby No. 5 one year ago (almost to the day…. Doby No. 5 was born on 6/10/05)
Maybe I’m being a little too harsh on this journal; it’s really not dead but just in a medically induced coma. Right now I have the time but not the motivation or ability to keep writing in this thing so it's best that I put Doby No. 5 to bed for a little while. Should I continue write while I figure out what I’m doing, this journal would become a self-perpetuating pool of loathing and self-pity. More importantly, to continue this journal would create a false impression of who I am. I am not in the mood to be the owner of a depressing, angst-ridden teenage-esque journal, but neither can I pretend everything is roses. I can't ignore some of the biggest challenges and decisions that I have to make, I just don't want to write about them. This journal was never meant to be a place for serious conversation and I’m not in the mood to make a long-term break from that rule at this moment.
At the moment, I leave Doby No. 5 with this: My Last Serious Entry of 2006:
My phone broke the day after I returned and I didn’t get it replaced until this past Thursday, so I’ve been living in relative hermit-dom. I also stayed at my parent’s house in Toledo for a few days to get away. I’ve entered the requisite depression while eating mad amounts of junk food and watching Maury’s paternity test results and ignoring just about everything and everyone else. During this time I can’t stop comparing my life in Columbus post-Chicago to my life in Columbus pre-Chicago. I feel that I have so much less; less money, less certainty that I am right, less stability and feeling of control over my life; now than I did before I moved to Chicago.
I console myself by saying that I needed to lose those things…well, maybe I didn’t need to lose the money. My former certainty in my convictions was a straightjacket that rigidly held my ability to accept and conform to new situations in a narrow sight. And maybe I needed to lose a little bit of the stability that I used to have. With my back against the wall I’m willing to take some chances that I wouldn’t take if I had something to lose. I’ve always believed that great things are not achieved by people who are unwilling to put everything on the line, now it’s my time to test that hypothesis.
My lingering depression so blatantly ignores these changes I’m making; it also ignores all the wonderful things that have begun since I’ve been back. My roommates and I have secured the most beautiful apartment in which I’ve ever lived (we’ll have a library!). I’ve got enough cash saved that I’m not strapped yet, I have found several jobs that seem a good fit for me, I’m getting back into my volunteer position with Stonewall Columbus and I’m starting to do volunteer work for the Ohio Democratic Party. These are all amazing opportunities and it’s up to me to make the most of them.
Opportunities, though - that is all those things are. The fact that things can still crash and burn is what has stopped me from shaking my depression entirely. I’m wishing for guarantees in a world that isn’t willing to offer them: we are moving, but the place isn’t available yet (July 14th!) I have sent out several resumes, but no job yet. I have cash, but it won’t last forever. I can’t help but feel a little apprehensive that my volunteer work for Stonewall or the ODP will end up similar to my horrible experience at the American Heart Association. Still, I cannot find my place by avoiding life’s challenges. I previously avoided making these hard decisions by saying any challenges I faced would be moot once I moved to Chicago, a place where everything would be perfect and everything would just fall into place. Now I’m tackling my issues head on, so I’m trying to make a lot of changes at once. I’m working hard to make Columbus everything that I didn’t let it be before. Some of the things needed to make that happen have begun, but I still have a lot of work left to do.
In the meantime, I'm taking a month away from LJ. I don't want to come back until I can be a fun-loving happy-go-lucky guy again. Serious Doby is not a Doby that I like. Thankfully, he'll recede a little bit as I get my house in order. Have a good month.
Maybe I’m being a little too harsh on this journal; it’s really not dead but just in a medically induced coma. Right now I have the time but not the motivation or ability to keep writing in this thing so it's best that I put Doby No. 5 to bed for a little while. Should I continue write while I figure out what I’m doing, this journal would become a self-perpetuating pool of loathing and self-pity. More importantly, to continue this journal would create a false impression of who I am. I am not in the mood to be the owner of a depressing, angst-ridden teenage-esque journal, but neither can I pretend everything is roses. I can't ignore some of the biggest challenges and decisions that I have to make, I just don't want to write about them. This journal was never meant to be a place for serious conversation and I’m not in the mood to make a long-term break from that rule at this moment.
At the moment, I leave Doby No. 5 with this: My Last Serious Entry of 2006:
My phone broke the day after I returned and I didn’t get it replaced until this past Thursday, so I’ve been living in relative hermit-dom. I also stayed at my parent’s house in Toledo for a few days to get away. I’ve entered the requisite depression while eating mad amounts of junk food and watching Maury’s paternity test results and ignoring just about everything and everyone else. During this time I can’t stop comparing my life in Columbus post-Chicago to my life in Columbus pre-Chicago. I feel that I have so much less; less money, less certainty that I am right, less stability and feeling of control over my life; now than I did before I moved to Chicago.
I console myself by saying that I needed to lose those things…well, maybe I didn’t need to lose the money. My former certainty in my convictions was a straightjacket that rigidly held my ability to accept and conform to new situations in a narrow sight. And maybe I needed to lose a little bit of the stability that I used to have. With my back against the wall I’m willing to take some chances that I wouldn’t take if I had something to lose. I’ve always believed that great things are not achieved by people who are unwilling to put everything on the line, now it’s my time to test that hypothesis.
My lingering depression so blatantly ignores these changes I’m making; it also ignores all the wonderful things that have begun since I’ve been back. My roommates and I have secured the most beautiful apartment in which I’ve ever lived (we’ll have a library!). I’ve got enough cash saved that I’m not strapped yet, I have found several jobs that seem a good fit for me, I’m getting back into my volunteer position with Stonewall Columbus and I’m starting to do volunteer work for the Ohio Democratic Party. These are all amazing opportunities and it’s up to me to make the most of them.
Opportunities, though - that is all those things are. The fact that things can still crash and burn is what has stopped me from shaking my depression entirely. I’m wishing for guarantees in a world that isn’t willing to offer them: we are moving, but the place isn’t available yet (July 14th!) I have sent out several resumes, but no job yet. I have cash, but it won’t last forever. I can’t help but feel a little apprehensive that my volunteer work for Stonewall or the ODP will end up similar to my horrible experience at the American Heart Association. Still, I cannot find my place by avoiding life’s challenges. I previously avoided making these hard decisions by saying any challenges I faced would be moot once I moved to Chicago, a place where everything would be perfect and everything would just fall into place. Now I’m tackling my issues head on, so I’m trying to make a lot of changes at once. I’m working hard to make Columbus everything that I didn’t let it be before. Some of the things needed to make that happen have begun, but I still have a lot of work left to do.
In the meantime, I'm taking a month away from LJ. I don't want to come back until I can be a fun-loving happy-go-lucky guy again. Serious Doby is not a Doby that I like. Thankfully, he'll recede a little bit as I get my house in order. Have a good month.