insomnia yet again
well its late, i cant sleep, and that breeds one thing, thoughts on life. And when one thinks about their life how can it be described? Mine oddly seems to be death. My job is to kill, destory, cause pain, cause death. Im supposed to call in artillery rounds on living things. Cause heartbeats to stop, cause lives to end. hopefully it will be to save the lives of the men i fight with.
such an existance causes much thought of death, and how life seems to play into it. ive already left my childhood home and soon will leave my country to embark on the greatest journey i will ever make. The farthest ill ever be from my safty zone, and enter what cant be anything other than a true hell. One would think this would make me scared, worried, or at least concerned for my own well-being, but those would be the thoughts of a man far more sane than i. When the thoughts of war come to mind i dont fear my own demise. i fear the loss of my brothers. That will be the true tragity. Me comming home in a pine box would be far more a relief for me. Id much rather cease to be then have to re-play the actions i took that might have led to anothers death. Forever. For the rest of my life i will have to think of them, and how the last goodbye wasnt quite late enough.
Things looked far differant just one year ago. i was a much differant man. i believed in things so far fetched to me now. i believed i wasnt such a flawed person. i belived i wasnt so selfish, so vain. I thought a truck could make me happy, or some foolish dream of being a hero, of meaning something to history, doing my part. But how can i do something so large and ignore whats at home. the people i loved, my friends, my family. thats where the image will be left, not on the nation, or some memorial, but on someones heart. the actions you take that make someone respond with those great words that seem like they could move mountains. if you can leave that mark just once, one lasting mark, then the world will never be the same. you then ment something. without you that mark wouldnt be there, and that life you touched not so special. i think we make each other special.
time now seems to move by with an endless certinity. One that didnt seem to be there before. At times i felt like i could stop, in one moment, and live there forever. I know exactly where it would be, and when. it would be a late night around 3am, on the south jersey shore, the moonlight illuminating just enough of her beautiful face, and her smile that made me feel like even i was something. but one cant freeze time, or hold onto a moment for even a second more than life grants you. So im left with it as a memory, a driving force. i guess leaving those thoughts of holding onto things for too long is part of accepting reality. The time has past, and i am greatful i had it, but i will never let it go, even if she has. i will continue to ride the days until i come home,not living those days, but using them. collecting momories for the other pile, other things that will surly change my life. And one day i will walk off that plane, and be home. not home meaning where i grew up, where i live, or where my family is. home being where the fighting isnt. the fighting with others and the fighting within myself. hopefully that will come with my ETS, when i leave the army in 2 and a half years, but i dont know if it will bring what i hope. entering it surly didnt.
if anyone has read thru this massive gramatical catstrophy i applaud them, and give thanks, but dont get the wrong impression. when reading it over i get the impression of wanting to die, which isnt at all true. i just dont want someone else to in my place. i want all the guys im with to come home to their families and loved ones. this was surly too long and boring, so if your still reading you must care, and i thank you for that.
everything you say probly was said better by someone else before. so ill put my mood down as a few lines from a song
"I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which im dying
Are the best ive ever had"
such an existance causes much thought of death, and how life seems to play into it. ive already left my childhood home and soon will leave my country to embark on the greatest journey i will ever make. The farthest ill ever be from my safty zone, and enter what cant be anything other than a true hell. One would think this would make me scared, worried, or at least concerned for my own well-being, but those would be the thoughts of a man far more sane than i. When the thoughts of war come to mind i dont fear my own demise. i fear the loss of my brothers. That will be the true tragity. Me comming home in a pine box would be far more a relief for me. Id much rather cease to be then have to re-play the actions i took that might have led to anothers death. Forever. For the rest of my life i will have to think of them, and how the last goodbye wasnt quite late enough.
Things looked far differant just one year ago. i was a much differant man. i believed in things so far fetched to me now. i believed i wasnt such a flawed person. i belived i wasnt so selfish, so vain. I thought a truck could make me happy, or some foolish dream of being a hero, of meaning something to history, doing my part. But how can i do something so large and ignore whats at home. the people i loved, my friends, my family. thats where the image will be left, not on the nation, or some memorial, but on someones heart. the actions you take that make someone respond with those great words that seem like they could move mountains. if you can leave that mark just once, one lasting mark, then the world will never be the same. you then ment something. without you that mark wouldnt be there, and that life you touched not so special. i think we make each other special.
time now seems to move by with an endless certinity. One that didnt seem to be there before. At times i felt like i could stop, in one moment, and live there forever. I know exactly where it would be, and when. it would be a late night around 3am, on the south jersey shore, the moonlight illuminating just enough of her beautiful face, and her smile that made me feel like even i was something. but one cant freeze time, or hold onto a moment for even a second more than life grants you. So im left with it as a memory, a driving force. i guess leaving those thoughts of holding onto things for too long is part of accepting reality. The time has past, and i am greatful i had it, but i will never let it go, even if she has. i will continue to ride the days until i come home,not living those days, but using them. collecting momories for the other pile, other things that will surly change my life. And one day i will walk off that plane, and be home. not home meaning where i grew up, where i live, or where my family is. home being where the fighting isnt. the fighting with others and the fighting within myself. hopefully that will come with my ETS, when i leave the army in 2 and a half years, but i dont know if it will bring what i hope. entering it surly didnt.
if anyone has read thru this massive gramatical catstrophy i applaud them, and give thanks, but dont get the wrong impression. when reading it over i get the impression of wanting to die, which isnt at all true. i just dont want someone else to in my place. i want all the guys im with to come home to their families and loved ones. this was surly too long and boring, so if your still reading you must care, and i thank you for that.
everything you say probly was said better by someone else before. so ill put my mood down as a few lines from a song
"I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which im dying
Are the best ive ever had"