Long time no see...
It's been a long time since I've written here.
I think I need to start writing again.
I thought about suicide today. That's not usually noteworthy as it happens often, but today it was more than a fleeting notion. I thought about it my whole way home from work, during Birkie's walk, and even now as I sit here, the urge to hang myself is just starting to fade. What is it about me that makes me react to emotional disappointments in such extreme ways? Every time someone I care about disappoints me, my first instinct is to delete their number from my phone and cut them out of my life, or to kill myself.
Wes moves to Thailand on Monday, and she had mentioned she would be back in Chicago this weekend. I said I was thinking of coming to visit for a night (when she had first told me), and she sounded excited about it-- she told me I should come. Foolishly, I got my hopes up. I like Wes... a lot more than she likes me. But it's not even that... I just wanted her company. Her friendship. I am so lonely. My heart aches with loneliness... and in Weslie I found a friend who I could confide in. Someone who listens and understands, even if they have no advice to offer.
Fast forward to today, and I texted her while at work (as per usual), and mentioned that I was still thinking of visiting this weekend. She stopped responding in a timely fashion, and finally at the end of the day she told me it would be better if I didn't come. I read that text message and went to the bathroom to cry.
It's been a long time since I've cried like that. There didn't seem to be much of a reason for it, but I couldn't get myself to stop. I quietly walked back to my desk, packed up my things and cried the whole way home. I had to pull to the side and stop for about 10 minutes because I couldn't see through the tears.
I need someone to care about me.
Anyone.
I think I need to start writing again.
I thought about suicide today. That's not usually noteworthy as it happens often, but today it was more than a fleeting notion. I thought about it my whole way home from work, during Birkie's walk, and even now as I sit here, the urge to hang myself is just starting to fade. What is it about me that makes me react to emotional disappointments in such extreme ways? Every time someone I care about disappoints me, my first instinct is to delete their number from my phone and cut them out of my life, or to kill myself.
Wes moves to Thailand on Monday, and she had mentioned she would be back in Chicago this weekend. I said I was thinking of coming to visit for a night (when she had first told me), and she sounded excited about it-- she told me I should come. Foolishly, I got my hopes up. I like Wes... a lot more than she likes me. But it's not even that... I just wanted her company. Her friendship. I am so lonely. My heart aches with loneliness... and in Weslie I found a friend who I could confide in. Someone who listens and understands, even if they have no advice to offer.
Fast forward to today, and I texted her while at work (as per usual), and mentioned that I was still thinking of visiting this weekend. She stopped responding in a timely fashion, and finally at the end of the day she told me it would be better if I didn't come. I read that text message and went to the bathroom to cry.
It's been a long time since I've cried like that. There didn't seem to be much of a reason for it, but I couldn't get myself to stop. I quietly walked back to my desk, packed up my things and cried the whole way home. I had to pull to the side and stop for about 10 minutes because I couldn't see through the tears.
I need someone to care about me.
Anyone.