yea for another month starting
I like August b/c I relate it to being a kid going back to school - therefore signaling the end of Summer. I wasn't happy about it at the time..b/c I didn't want to go back to school and i didn't want Summer to end. Now, I'm kinda glad when Summer ends b/c the only thing I really like about Summer is swimming, and I never go swimming. I don't like intense heat or sunburns or my lawn growing too fast because it rains every other day, and I especially don't like mosquitoes. Of course this also means we're on the downward slope of another year. I'm really don't fear getting older, but it does bother me just how hard it is for me to really remember the details and the feelings of life as I've come through it. I guess it's a good thing in some ways - but oddly, it makes me think of something someone told me once about losing weight - they said if you're around someone every day, you really don't notice as they put on or take off weight, you just look at them one day and this isn't how you remembered them, if you remember at all. I watch my daughter grow, and she's the center of my life, but I really have to stretch to remember her before she could crawl and walk and talk and count and all of the other advancements she keeps making. I think I do the same thing with my own emotional growth and my relationship with my wife. I don't see it changing from day to day, but then one day I wake up and look at things and realize that I'm not nearly thankful enough for what I've got. I used to live in what was essentially a shoe box and I didn't like my job and didn't get paid a lot to do it. Now I live in a big house with a bigger job and bigger pay..and I know we have to have more space to raise a family and more pay to pay for the space and the future of the family, but some part of me realizes that I'd probably be so much happier living somewhere remote and beautiful - the kind of place where people go to vacation, but live there year round in a crappy trailer and work at a local gift shop or gas station just enough for the basics, and then spend the rest of the day looking at the sea and thinking how insignificant I am, but how lucky I am that the sea (or something else) hasn't claimed me yet. The big flaw is that I wouldn't want to commit my daughter to the same future - and I don't think I'd make enough at the gas station to give her anything more. What's a happy simplified version of life for me may be hell for her. So I'll keep working and try to provide her with a better future. I know it sounds like I'm complaining, but I wouldn't trade it if I could..I wouldn't trade her and I wouldn't want to give her anything less than everything I can.
I looked back and realized most of the folks I started posting to LJ with - and got me posting here (although not much these days) all started in October of 2000 - I can't believe it's been almost 5 years. I looked at all of our postings and it was like that glimpse when you wake up and see how much has changed that you didn't see from day to day - all of the problems and fears that are posted here - and yet now most of them have passed or aren't on the front of our minds anymore. How much we've all changed - and the relationships between us. Lots of good things and a few not so great - but the question that comes now is whether or not I really like who I am now compared to 5 years ago. My life is better..but I think I'm worse..and what scares me isn't getting older, but how I'll feel about myself 5 years from now - whether or not I've even tried to change the road I'm on. Will fear and anger govern me even more then than they do now? If I'm in a mansion in 5 years and I'm a CEO of some company (which ain't gonna happen) will I be better off for it, or will I think of and pine for how simple things were in the latter half of '05? I'd like to think that once the baby is in school I'll be better able to search myself and find some answers..but will I be able to best the temptation of just sleeping away the extra time?
Will I ever write shorter entries?
I dunno..but I should really try to clean up my bigger house and get some rest for tomorrow.
so bye.
I looked back and realized most of the folks I started posting to LJ with - and got me posting here (although not much these days) all started in October of 2000 - I can't believe it's been almost 5 years. I looked at all of our postings and it was like that glimpse when you wake up and see how much has changed that you didn't see from day to day - all of the problems and fears that are posted here - and yet now most of them have passed or aren't on the front of our minds anymore. How much we've all changed - and the relationships between us. Lots of good things and a few not so great - but the question that comes now is whether or not I really like who I am now compared to 5 years ago. My life is better..but I think I'm worse..and what scares me isn't getting older, but how I'll feel about myself 5 years from now - whether or not I've even tried to change the road I'm on. Will fear and anger govern me even more then than they do now? If I'm in a mansion in 5 years and I'm a CEO of some company (which ain't gonna happen) will I be better off for it, or will I think of and pine for how simple things were in the latter half of '05? I'd like to think that once the baby is in school I'll be better able to search myself and find some answers..but will I be able to best the temptation of just sleeping away the extra time?
Will I ever write shorter entries?
I dunno..but I should really try to clean up my bigger house and get some rest for tomorrow.
so bye.