Here we go again...
Well I still have to talk about prom and the rest of my weekend...but to tell you the truth I want to do that when I'm in a good mood...so now's not a good time.
I've been happy lately for awhile...I got rid of people that I didn't think I wanted in my life...I have great friends...I'm over Krista...things with my family have been pretty good...I'm doing fine in school...work has been going by really fast and actually fun half the time...Hell my car's even been working...Well it's just the past couple days that it feels like things have gone to shit...
This could take awhile...I'm going to make this a public entry even though I think it's something a lot of people shouldn't see...however there are some people that need to see it...I would appreciate it if you chose not to read this...but I know some people will...just keep in mind whatever I say in here shouldn't be taken as anger but "venting" and I don't mean anything against anyone...You are not allowed to hold anything against me that I say in here... So yeah don't read...unless you really think you need to...
Okay well so yeah...everything's been pretty great lately. I've actually been happy to have Sarah and Tim "out of my life" to a certain extent. I made it pretty clear to both of them that were not friends ne more. Well since prom Sarah and I are on speaking terms but still not friends...and I actually was okay with Tim until the end of the night...in the back of my mind I still though me and Tim would become friends again somewhere down the line...well finding out about some things on prom night and witnessing some things that changed. I really believe that our friendship is completely over.
The reason I originally ended our friendship was pretty much...I was sick of the crap...and I was sick of fighting with him all the time...I just couldn't do it anymore. With the advice of a good friend I decided to just try and give each other some space for awhile...well that didn't really work too well. For some reason I can't be in the same room with Tim without getting pissed off. He always finds a way to put someone down or hurt someone...or just rub me the wrong way. Well on prom night Melissa and I were sleeping in the back of the limo. She woke me up and I saw Tim and Amy freakdancing...except they weren't freakdancing...they were practically fucking. You should have seen the expression that fucker had on his face...and how he was getting off on it...I don't know how to explain why it just looked so wrong...but it just did it was raunchy. They weren't dancing they were just rubbing up against each other. Well yeah so when I saw that I slapped Tim upside the head and told him he was done...and Amy moved away from him. Well I didn't stay at Amy's that night cuz I was just so tired and I ended up staying at Melissa's. Let me make something clear...I DO NOT LIKE AMY. At the same time I hate it when Tim and Amy do ne thing with each other...bcuz it's just wrong. The fuckface has lead her on forever and he doesn't like her...he just uses her. And I'm sorry but when it comes to Tim, Amy is stupid and pathetic and she lets him take advantage of her. So ne wayz...on prom night when Amy was my date...while I wasn't there at Amy's house...in a room full of people...Tim kept trying to get "action" from Amy and they made out "a little bit" even though she said no the first couple times. He also tried to feel her up...and I don't know...when I found this out I was pretty fucking pissed...and Tim really is the biggest fucking asshole on earth. I'm really protective of Amy and she deserves a lot better than that ass. I've never wanted to punch somebody's face in so bad...but yeah ne wayz...that's my Tim story...and why I hate his guts so much.
In other news I've just been really lonely lately...it feels like everybody's paired up except for me. The other day me and Krista had a conversation and it was just really awkward and I didn't expect to ever talk to her again...well I talked to her yesterday...and again I just felt kinda weird...I really do wanna stay friends with Krista even now...but for right now it just feels kinda weird...I just don't know what to talk to her about. Honestly, I'm happy she found someone...but when I tried to get back together with her...she told me that she was really confused and all this crap...and well I've came to a conclusion recently...either Krista still likes me and broke up with me just because she thought "I'd be better off without her," or she never liked me in the first place. I'm leaning more towards the second one...bcuz it makes a lot more sense. Feelings don't change THAT quickly and if she did like me she wouldn't been able to move on so fast. But yet pretty much everytime we've been together since we've broken up she acts like she likes me. For a long time the Krista thing was really hard for me to deal with...I'd never had my heart broken like that...but I finally had to get over it and move on...I couldn't put myself through ne more. While I am over her...I still miss her... I still wonder...and I don't know I think about it probably more than I should. I really did love her...and I know a part of me always will... obviously we weren't meant to be bcuz well we ended but I will always care about her and I will always want her in my life...no matter how hard it is sometimes. What I really need is a girl to move one with...I don't know who though...I've wasted so much time obsessing about girls I didn't have a chance with. I need to find a girl that I can connect with and that I'm truly happy with...
So other than those two things...it's just kinda been shitty in general...I just feel kinda unwanted. I feel like if I wasn't around no one would no the difference. I really don't know if anyone cares. I don't know why I feel like this. I've realized recently that I really don't have control over when I feel like this. I've heard depression referred to as a dark cloud over your head... and that's how it feels...it feels like everything's clouded and I just have something hanging over me and not leaving me alone. Everything seems darker and when I'm in a good mood I can hear something and have it not be a big deal at all...or I can have something hit me the same way hours later and get all depressed about it. For right now...that one thing is...it seems like Jeff's blowing me off. Jeff and I have gotten really close lately and I love the kid to death. But, he's had to cancel on me and cut plans short a few times now...and I don't know...it's just not like him...and it doesn't feel right. Yesterday I told Jeff that he's my best friend and he told me the same thing back...but right now...it doesn't feel that way. I'm probably just overreacting and being overemotional...I tend to do that...but it' just how I feel right now. I just feel completely alone...and I don't know I just don't know what to do ne more...and as sick as it is...I can't even slit my fucking wrists bcuz what would people think of me? I haven't done that in a long time...but sometimes I really wish I could. I've also been trying to let stuff go and not talk about stuff that's bothering me...bcuz I really believe that's what fucked up me and Tim's friendship. This is a lonely way to go though... and it's not very healthy. I know I could tell people stuff but I just feel like a burden...and that all I'm doing is making everyone else miserable. It just feels like I never get better. I don't know...I hope that no one takes this entry to seriously bcuz I'm just really down right now...that's all...I'm not gonna do ne thing stupid. Just pray for me...that's really all I could think of doing now...turning to God. I'm sorry to everybody I've hurt and taken for granted. I love all you guys even the ones that I've learned to hate...I hope we can eventually be on better terms later. But yeah that's pretty much all I had to say. It actually felt better to get it out.
I've been happy lately for awhile...I got rid of people that I didn't think I wanted in my life...I have great friends...I'm over Krista...things with my family have been pretty good...I'm doing fine in school...work has been going by really fast and actually fun half the time...Hell my car's even been working...Well it's just the past couple days that it feels like things have gone to shit...
This could take awhile...I'm going to make this a public entry even though I think it's something a lot of people shouldn't see...however there are some people that need to see it...I would appreciate it if you chose not to read this...but I know some people will...just keep in mind whatever I say in here shouldn't be taken as anger but "venting" and I don't mean anything against anyone...You are not allowed to hold anything against me that I say in here... So yeah don't read...unless you really think you need to...
Okay well so yeah...everything's been pretty great lately. I've actually been happy to have Sarah and Tim "out of my life" to a certain extent. I made it pretty clear to both of them that were not friends ne more. Well since prom Sarah and I are on speaking terms but still not friends...and I actually was okay with Tim until the end of the night...in the back of my mind I still though me and Tim would become friends again somewhere down the line...well finding out about some things on prom night and witnessing some things that changed. I really believe that our friendship is completely over.
The reason I originally ended our friendship was pretty much...I was sick of the crap...and I was sick of fighting with him all the time...I just couldn't do it anymore. With the advice of a good friend I decided to just try and give each other some space for awhile...well that didn't really work too well. For some reason I can't be in the same room with Tim without getting pissed off. He always finds a way to put someone down or hurt someone...or just rub me the wrong way. Well on prom night Melissa and I were sleeping in the back of the limo. She woke me up and I saw Tim and Amy freakdancing...except they weren't freakdancing...they were practically fucking. You should have seen the expression that fucker had on his face...and how he was getting off on it...I don't know how to explain why it just looked so wrong...but it just did it was raunchy. They weren't dancing they were just rubbing up against each other. Well yeah so when I saw that I slapped Tim upside the head and told him he was done...and Amy moved away from him. Well I didn't stay at Amy's that night cuz I was just so tired and I ended up staying at Melissa's. Let me make something clear...I DO NOT LIKE AMY. At the same time I hate it when Tim and Amy do ne thing with each other...bcuz it's just wrong. The fuckface has lead her on forever and he doesn't like her...he just uses her. And I'm sorry but when it comes to Tim, Amy is stupid and pathetic and she lets him take advantage of her. So ne wayz...on prom night when Amy was my date...while I wasn't there at Amy's house...in a room full of people...Tim kept trying to get "action" from Amy and they made out "a little bit" even though she said no the first couple times. He also tried to feel her up...and I don't know...when I found this out I was pretty fucking pissed...and Tim really is the biggest fucking asshole on earth. I'm really protective of Amy and she deserves a lot better than that ass. I've never wanted to punch somebody's face in so bad...but yeah ne wayz...that's my Tim story...and why I hate his guts so much.
In other news I've just been really lonely lately...it feels like everybody's paired up except for me. The other day me and Krista had a conversation and it was just really awkward and I didn't expect to ever talk to her again...well I talked to her yesterday...and again I just felt kinda weird...I really do wanna stay friends with Krista even now...but for right now it just feels kinda weird...I just don't know what to talk to her about. Honestly, I'm happy she found someone...but when I tried to get back together with her...she told me that she was really confused and all this crap...and well I've came to a conclusion recently...either Krista still likes me and broke up with me just because she thought "I'd be better off without her," or she never liked me in the first place. I'm leaning more towards the second one...bcuz it makes a lot more sense. Feelings don't change THAT quickly and if she did like me she wouldn't been able to move on so fast. But yet pretty much everytime we've been together since we've broken up she acts like she likes me. For a long time the Krista thing was really hard for me to deal with...I'd never had my heart broken like that...but I finally had to get over it and move on...I couldn't put myself through ne more. While I am over her...I still miss her... I still wonder...and I don't know I think about it probably more than I should. I really did love her...and I know a part of me always will... obviously we weren't meant to be bcuz well we ended but I will always care about her and I will always want her in my life...no matter how hard it is sometimes. What I really need is a girl to move one with...I don't know who though...I've wasted so much time obsessing about girls I didn't have a chance with. I need to find a girl that I can connect with and that I'm truly happy with...
So other than those two things...it's just kinda been shitty in general...I just feel kinda unwanted. I feel like if I wasn't around no one would no the difference. I really don't know if anyone cares. I don't know why I feel like this. I've realized recently that I really don't have control over when I feel like this. I've heard depression referred to as a dark cloud over your head... and that's how it feels...it feels like everything's clouded and I just have something hanging over me and not leaving me alone. Everything seems darker and when I'm in a good mood I can hear something and have it not be a big deal at all...or I can have something hit me the same way hours later and get all depressed about it. For right now...that one thing is...it seems like Jeff's blowing me off. Jeff and I have gotten really close lately and I love the kid to death. But, he's had to cancel on me and cut plans short a few times now...and I don't know...it's just not like him...and it doesn't feel right. Yesterday I told Jeff that he's my best friend and he told me the same thing back...but right now...it doesn't feel that way. I'm probably just overreacting and being overemotional...I tend to do that...but it' just how I feel right now. I just feel completely alone...and I don't know I just don't know what to do ne more...and as sick as it is...I can't even slit my fucking wrists bcuz what would people think of me? I haven't done that in a long time...but sometimes I really wish I could. I've also been trying to let stuff go and not talk about stuff that's bothering me...bcuz I really believe that's what fucked up me and Tim's friendship. This is a lonely way to go though... and it's not very healthy. I know I could tell people stuff but I just feel like a burden...and that all I'm doing is making everyone else miserable. It just feels like I never get better. I don't know...I hope that no one takes this entry to seriously bcuz I'm just really down right now...that's all...I'm not gonna do ne thing stupid. Just pray for me...that's really all I could think of doing now...turning to God. I'm sorry to everybody I've hurt and taken for granted. I love all you guys even the ones that I've learned to hate...I hope we can eventually be on better terms later. But yeah that's pretty much all I had to say. It actually felt better to get it out.