(I Watch) The Sky Coming Down To Bury Me - Chapter 6, 7 & 8
Header and Prologues
Chapter One - Chapter Two - Chapter Three - Chapter Four & Five - Chapter Six, Seven & Eight
Bonus Content
Chapter 6: Anything's Hard to Change
Spencer's waiting outside for him, just as he said. They don't speak on the way to the airport, or on the plane. They don't speak in the car back to the apartment, or as they order Thai food. Ryan knows what Spencer wants; they've ordered from the same place twice a month since they moved to Queens. They let the television fill the silence of the apartment until Spencer pushes off the blanket that he's been curled up under and heads to the bedroom. Ryan sighs, picks up the empty Thai cartons and throws them into the trash can.
He flicks off the light, makes his way back to the sofa and pulls the blanket over his legs. He's slept on this sofa enough times to know where it's comfortable. Ryan picks up the TV remote and flicks to TCM. A British movie - which Ryan thinks is called Where The Spies Are - is on, and he lies down to watch it. He slept on the plane, just enough to not be tired from his lack of sleep the night before.
About halfway through the movie, Ryan yawns and reaches for the remote. He fumbles with the table edge for a moment before leaning forward and reaching out for it.
"Coming to bed?" Ryan whips around, looking into the dark at Spencer, leaning up against the bedroom door frame.
"Yeah?" Ryan replies hopefully, sitting up straight and turning his body towards Spencer.
"Yeah." He grapples with the remote and switches off the TV as quickly as possible. As he's doing this, Spencer's already back inside the bedroom. Ryan can see him under the duvet and goes to climb in behind him. Spencer turns over, settling on his back and watches Ryan get in to lie beside him.
Spencer turns over, holding an arm out for Ryan to slip under, and he does. They rarely go to bed together angry, and Ryan knows that this is Spencer's first sign of forgiveness. He presses a kiss to his man palm and closes his eyes.
He's asleep just a few seconds later.
**
Ryan meets Spencer for lunch every day whilst he's in New York. He doesn't have any work to be doing, so it's easier to slum around town. He's been down to Vicky's bookstore more than ever before and she's just starting to talk to him about something other than books. Generally, they don't really ever talk about things other than books and music, so it's not much of a change for Ryan.
She has to leave every time that there's a customer, which is actually quite a lot for a small bookstore in Queens. Ryan is comfortable to sit and read as she deals with the customers. The phone rings whilst she's with a customer and she's about to excuse herself when Ryan picks it up. He repeats the same garble that he's heard Vicky say many a time into the phone. It's a question about one of the books that Ryan helped restock the other week. They do have a copy and the opening times are the same the whole week, so whenever the customer needs to come in, that's fine. Yes, Ryan can put a copy aside for her if she can pick it up within the next to days.
When Vicky comes over after seeing out the customer, she smiles at him and points to a box that sitting on the main desk. "We need to restock Crime." Ryan laughs and picks up the box to restock as Vicky starts working through the receipts. It's a comfortable life, especially as Spencer needs to come to in to collect Ryan for lunch. Sometimes, like today, he brings food with him. The three of them sit at the table in the cupboard of a staff room, after Vicky flips the closed sign over.
Vicky and Spencer talk about music, Gabe, books, the weather, anything that comes to mind. Somehow, they get onto the subject of travel, and Ryan gets dragged into the conversation.
"Furthest place away from home?" Spencer and Ryan both stop for a minute when Vicky asks, but England isn't just the memory of that night. Her smile drops just after Ryan's does, and she goes to take back what she's saying. "I- er..."
"You've been to London, right?" Vicky breathes out and nods. "Been to Camden?" Vicky laughs and leans across the table, acting like she does when she's interested in a guy. Ryan kicks Spencer lightly under the table and nods at her.
"Vicky, you realise Ryan's gay, right?" They bend over giggling whilst Vicky sits there completely oblivious of what's going on. "It's just that, your cleavage is threatening to engulf him." Spencer manages to say through the laughter. She sits upright and pulls at her top, looking down at her boobs at she does.
"Shut up," she mumbles when they continue to laugh. "It's not funny, alright?" Ryan reaches across and pats her gently on the head. She swats at his hand, but smiles all the same. It's almost as if the year hasn't gone past.
**
It takes two weeks of Ryan helping out at the store before Vicky sits him down and asks if he wants a real job. She has an assistant, who isn't the best at his job. He sits and reads the books that he's shelving more than Ryan does. Vicky wouldn't usually mind, except that he's being paid to sit around and do nothing whilst she's fixing the cupboards and tallying the till.
Ryan's taken to fetching the morning coffee for the two of them and the assistant is getting even more lax because he knows that he isn't being favoured by the 'new kid'. He's taken to calling Ryan that, regardless of the fact that he's the youngest out of all of them, including Brendon, who is scheduled to visit within the next few days.
Vicky had only mentioned Brendon once, to ask whether he was coming to stay at all. Ryan had noticed the little smile that she had given him when he'd said Brendon would come to work with him when he visits. Brendon's done the touristy things, that's not why he's coming. He wants to see Ryan.
He's staying for almost a month, which means he'll be in town for three working weeks and Vicky really won't need her 'assistant' if Brendon's going to be around. She asks Ryan to close up the store the same day, whilst she, very delicately, tells him that his assistance isn't required any longer. He breezes past Ryan just as he's taking the reserved books out from under the desk. Neither of them speak to each other, but Ryan receives a glare as he walks past. Vicky pokes her head out into the main room just as the door slams shut.
"Has he gone?" she stage whispers. Ryan giggles and beckons her out. He creeps forward to meet her in the middle of the floor and together they both look out the door.
"I think he's far enough down the road that we can talk normally." She slaps him on the arm and stands up properly so that she can walk up to the till and pretend that she wasn't scared of her own assistant.
**
When Brendon arrives, it's in the middle of the day, so when Ryan asks to go pick him up, Vicky closes the store. He honestly doesn't expect her to do that, but she knows that there won't be anyone going to the store that can't come back. He raises his eyebrow at her as she runs to get her coat and keys. She demands to take her car, because his is 'a piece of shit'. It also means she gets to impress Brendon with her new car.
Brendon's waiting outside the airport, ready to be picked up. Ryan helps him load his bags into the car and Brendon slides into the front seat next to Vicky. As Ryan gets into the back, he can see them smiling at each other. He shakes his head and tells Vicky to drive. The entire ride back to the bookstore seems to be a prelude to the week, flirting and giggling from both parties. Ryan sits there shaking his head and hoping to god that he and Spencer were never like this.
Spencer arrives at the bookstore with lunch just a few minutes after they do. It's Chinese, Brendon's favourite and they both know that Spencer knows this. The four of them eat quite happily, before Vicky decides that it's a good idea to open the bookstore again before she makes a complete loss on the day.
Later, as Vicky takes Ryan and Brendon home, she suggests dinner with the three of them. Brendon agrees all too hastily and Ryan gets out of the car and into the apartment block with one of Brendon's bag as quickly as he can. He doesn't want to see this hello.
Spencer's already there and is undressing. Ryan grabs his waist and presses his lips to the younger man's shoulder. He turns the other man around in his arms and kisses him properly. It's been a while since they've done this, and Ryan knows that it can't go on for very long because Brendon will be buzzing to come up in just a second. But it's nice the way it is at just that moment.
They won't get much time together for the next three weeks, so Ryan wants to hold onto every second he has alone with Spencer. The buzzer sounds and he pulls back, wiping his thumb across Spencer's lip. He kisses him once again, the picks up his shirt and goes to buzz Brendon in, leaving the door open so they don't have to get up for that as well. The two of them are curled up on the sofa when Brendon stumbles through the door, slightly more disheveled than he had been when Ryan left him.
"So, I'm going to be working with you then?" He says, sitting down on the armchair across from them. Ryan laughs, because he knows that he hadn't told Brendon that. Vicky must have spoken to him at some point during their time in the car.
"Well, I'm going to be working. I don't know how much work the two of you will get done. Such a player." Spencer laughs in the Ryan's shoulder when he says this. Brendon protests this description, but smiles all the same.
**
The next morning, the three of them are sat around the breakfast table with barely manifested hangovers when Ryan's mobile rings. He doesn't have one for America, because he's never really alone enough to need one and even then he's usually in the apartment. He picks it up, speaking hastily into the phone.
"I'm in America; hang up if you don't want a huge phone bill." There's a braying laugh from the other end of the phone. Pete. Ryan sighs and leaves the kitchen, waving off offers of coffee.
Spencer and Brendon sit in silence for a few minutes until it's obvious that Ryan's going to be on the phone for a long while. There's nothing they can really have a conversation about. Brendon is Ryan's friend, not his and they've very rarely been alone together.
"Does he do this a lot?" Spencer finally says, nodding out the door. He's never seen Ryan turn down coffee or leave the room to have a conversation. Spencer's never asked about the privacy issue, so he figures there isn't one.
"All the time. It's usually you on the other end of the phone though." Brendon laughs a little, and takes a sip of his coffee. Spencer doesn't know how to treat that. It's not like their conversations need any special form of privacy. Phone sex isn't a big thing in their relationship.
"Oh, um... sorry." Brendon waves him off, but that just makes him feel worse. "Don't you get, like angry with him? Leaving you like this?" Brendon shrugs into his coffee.
"I don't really get annoyed at people. Only once with Ryan, but he made it up to me. That's kind of what was important." Spencer nods, getting up to pour himself another cup of coffee. "He showed up at my dorm with a box of Disney movies." Brendon laughs again, shaking his head. "I mean, I love Disney, but seriously, it must have taken him forever to bargain those DVD's off of people." Spencer smiles, sitting back down.
"What happened?" Brendon screws up his face in an expression that Spencer thinks is meant to be a frown. "To make you angry. What did he do?" Brendon puts his coffee mug to his mouth and shrugs again.
"It doesn't matter. I don't - I don't even really remember. Something really stupid probably." Spencer nods and that's it. They don't talk about anything else, until Ryan comes back into the room and drop himself on the edge of his chair, sighing and talking about how much of a burden Pete is on him. The other two laugh at his self indulgence and remark on it. Ryan pouts at the two of them, but gets up to shower anyway. Spencer follows him to the bedroom and they all get ready for work.
**
Brendon heads back to New York and Ryan just starts trying to hold on to the seconds he has left. He doesn't like New York as such, but he likes who's there, he likes how he feels in the apartment. He doesn't want to go back to living in the empty space that he occupies on England. No matter how loud Brendon is, he still can't fill that silence.
Spencer has taken the week off, because he's got that much left in leave until Christmas. They don't do all that much, but Ryan gets to read to Spencer whilst they still have time. It's his favourite thing to do when they're alone together, when they're lying in bed late at night and early in the morning. It makes him tired and he manages to get half way down a page before he starts yawning when they're lying together on the last day. Spencer laughs and takes the book, as he very rarely does. They read for a little bit longer, but Ryan's clothes are still strewn across the bedroom.
Ryan goes to make coffee as Spencer starts clearing a space around the bed, under which they stashed Ryan's suitcase. He pulls it out and flips it open, only to find that it's still half-packed. There are a few pairs of trousers in the case that he has definitely never seen before. It dawns on him more than it ever has before that Ryan has a completely separate life from him. He sits there until Ryan comes in from the kitchen and hands him a cup of coffee. Ryan begins to fold and pack his clothes into the suitcase as Spencer is sat there sipping gently at his coffee and watching him. After ten minutes he gets up and moves into the living room. He can't be there to watch, he wasn't there the first time and it's no different now.
Half an hour later, he's read the same two pages far too many times and he's can't really see the words anymore. Ryan drops the suitcase next to him and Spencer jumps. They smile at each other and Ryan flops down on the sofa next to him. They sit together and watch television until it's far past the time that they needed to get up and get dressed. Spencer goes to make himself breakfast first, because he knows it'll be the only thing he'll eat all day.
It doesn't take the two of them too long to get dressed, ready and into the car, but it takes them all too long to get to the airport. Ryan never thought he'd feel this way about a car ride with Spencer, but he does. It's awkward, because they've already said all they need to say to each other and they are both waiting to see what happens when Ryan is alone once again.
The goodbye is almost the same as the last two, except there's an air of expectation. They both want Ryan to be good and to stay faithful, but there's the lingering thought that he won't.
Ryan checks-in and Spencer walks him to the security gate. Then Ryan's alone and has twenty minutes to wait before he can even get on the plane. It hits him that he's really alone and he can't think of much else to do but sit on a chair and cry silently into his lap.
**
The plane is almost the same as the others, but really it's not. It's the first time when he's bothered to look around the plane, to find its distinctive quirks. They look alike, but there's always a chair that won't lean back smoothly, or a tray that needs to be pushed hard into the seat back to be shut properly. Ryan doesn't know why, but it sets him off thinking about a hotel. 'All the people flowing in and out and, oh, what the walls could say. And isn't that the point? What could the walls say?' He sits thinking about this for long enough that he starts to feel the need for a pen in his hand. He scrabbles for his notebook in his bag and that's his flight set.
He hadn't been able to work in New York, not just sit down and write, but now, here he is, writing like his life depends on it. Ryan's not the type to think that this is a sign, but as he heads away from the city and over the Atlantic, he starts to feel like he's free of something. He doesn't think whilst he writes, but what he would think is that it's not Spencer that he's leaving behind, because he yearns for him every day when they're apart. But it's the last ties to America and to his childhood that he can leave behind when he's in England.
But right now, he's concentrated and that's all that matters. The drama and bullshit that takes hold of him every day is background noise and there's nothing but him and the ink. It takes a jolt from the airplane to bring him out of his stupor and even then, once the movements have settled down, he resumes writing. By the time he gets off the plane in London, Ryan has the draft of an act and the making of another two coming along quite nicely. There are musical references and poetry floating around on the pages of his notebook that he's quite proud of. He doesn't quite know what it's about yet, because strangely he hasn't yet managed to write the ending. It's usually what he begins with, painting the ending in extreme detail before he thinks of how it could have begun. In one of his plays, the ending is the beginning.
He hasn't been listening to what the stewardess has been saying for the length of the flight, and he's not really ready to listen to her now, but he does, because he's already put the notebook away. He's still got the pen in his hand though, and he can feel himself tapping it against his leg. It's a rush for him to get off the plane and get his feet onto solid ground.
Brendon is waiting for him in the main Atrium and all he can think is that the only time he has ever seen Ryan smile more than this is when he's been talking to Spencer on the phone.
Chapter 7: The Days You'd Wished You'd Stayed
Brendon decides in the middle of their Brecht lecture the first week back that Ryan needs a night out, and because it's a Wednesday, he drags him out to the nearest gay club. Ryan has spent the past few months trying to explain to the younger man that regardless of his sexuality, he was not interested in watching half dressed, leather-clad men dance around each other like butterflies.
It's less than distracting and more annoying than anything for Ryan, but he suffers through, because he loves seeing Brendon's face when men ask him to dance. Brendon, for some reason, seems to think that because he isn't gay, he has a bright neon sign above his head that indicates this. This is predominantly because neither Jon nor Ryan - the only two gay men Brendon had actually made friends with - have tried to hit on him.
They sit and drink for a while, whilst Brendon chats away and tries to get Ryan to dance with any of the men that ask him. Eventually, once Brendon is drunk enough, he asks Ryan himself. Surprisingly, he accepts the hand to be dragged out onto the dance floor. Brendon is a good dancer; regardless of the fact that the only time he does it is when he's smashed.
Ryan likes dancing with Brendon, because he feels more like Spencer than anyone else in England. They both have the natural sense of rhythm and stability that Ryan has always lacked and it's comfortable and familiar to be pushed up against a body that's so happy to lead him. He closes his eyes and tucks his face into Brendon's neck as they move together. They stay that way for a while, for long enough, for too long possibly.
It takes colliding with another couple to jerk Ryan away from New York and back into the club. Brendon jumps at one of the other men and it takes Ryan almost a minute to realise who he's looking at. Standing there, with Brendon wrapped around him, was Jon. His hair's longer and his face is covered in scruff. It's strange to see him, especially with a man holding onto his arm that Ryan has never seen before.
Jon smiles at him, eyes ducking down for a moment. Ryan can see the nervousness in his stance and the confusion of the man with him. The older man holds out his hand towards the new person and introduces himself. Brendon does the same and Jon introduces the two of them to Tom. He's not at the university, but he does work for the photography store that Jon reportedly grew so attached to over the summer. Brendon invites the two of them for a drink, but not before he looks at Ryan for confirmation. He shrugs, and that's it. Jon's talking to Brendon properly and both Ryan and Tom find that the other can play the guitar.
It's not uncomfortable.
**
It's strange, having a fourth person to join them in the pubs before dinner every night, but it's also nice. Brendon's not seen anyone since he got back from London and Ryan's got Spencer. The four of them are attached, and there's not any discussion of love or sex over the table. Tom turns out to be a nice guy and a good friend. He helps Brendon run lines whilst Jon's working long hours, and he brings Ryan coffee when he's visiting the studios.
He also happens to know a few of the guys that are building the set on Ryan's production. The five of them meet in the mornings for the coffee that Tom brings, and it means that Ryan gets to know some of the people that Jon has always talked about. Mike, Adam - who prefers Sisky Biz the bass whiz, but will settle for Sisky - and Michael - also know as Chiz; Ryan starts to wonder about the sanity of these people, especially when Adam refers to Mike as - are all nice guys, if a little stranger. But then again, Ryan isn't exactly the most normal of people and neither are his other friends.
All the same, it's nice to have peopled that he can talk to before the actors arrive and after they leave. Jon had recommended them, because they like to work on complicated sets. Ryan has never known any team to be specifically for that, but he'd glad that he's found them, especially because Pete's been working with him on the set and it's much more complex than Ryan alone would have made it.
Pete's hanging around today, but he's brought his own coffee, so that's alright. Ryan's working on the script that he had started writing just before the assignment had finished. Pete had presented the script to him after he said that he needed one to direct for the production he was expected to put on. The plays been taking up most of his life lately, including missing pre-dinner pub trips. Tom's been catching him up every morning on any gossip that the other two impart to him the previous evening anyway, so it's not like he's missing out. But he does miss Brendon, the only one that he hasn't managed to see on a regular basis whilst this play has been going on.
He calls Brendon during lunch hour, only to find his phone engaged, but he leaves a message anyway. Brendon always gets back to him. In fact, twenty minutes later, his phone vibrates on the table with a message inviting him to dinner later.
**
It's the first time that the two of them have been alone together since Brendon had come to pick Ryan up from the airport. Ever since they had since Jon and Tom at the club, they had been spending more and more time together and the rest of their friends. Ryan was beginning to feel at home in England once again. He feels happier in the new apartment than at his old one. There aren't the bad memories and he can start all over again, making new ones with new people.
Brendon likes it better as well, because there's no sofa, which gives him an excuse to jump on the bed. Ryan has spent no end of time trying to avoid being crushed whilst laughing at him. They had also spent weekends curled up under the covers watching Disney movies and the occasional film noir. Jon and Tom had joined them once, but found that they were constantly outvoted and spent a large amount of the time trying to hide the fact that they were making out. This only made their actions more obvious, and served as joke material for almost a fortnight.
The friendship that developed between the four of them made it easier for Ryan to feel comfortable with his own relationship. His and Jon's past relationship was not a conversation topic that any of them had tried to bring up and for a very good reason. It'd taken a long time for Ryan to trust himself in the same room as Jon, even with Tom and Brendon there. If he could do what he did to Spencer, he knew that those two wouldn't stand in his way.
Halfway through November, Ryan and Jon go out for coffee on their own and nothing happens. Ryan doesn't feel like anything will happen and he doesn't want anything to. Jon is his friend now. They talk about how nice it is not working on a production and just waiting for the term to be over. Ryan is still working on a production, but not in the way that Jon means, so that's ok. They run out of conversation just as Ryan finishes his coffee and they fall comfortably silent. It hits him in that moment that it's taken them a year to get to this point and now they only have a month to be friends before Ryan's gone. Ryan doesn't believe that he'll stay in touch unless people - Brendon - make him. That's always been what Spencer's good for.
Ryan spends the next month trying to be the best friend that he can to Jon and Brendon, because he doesn't want to think about what's going to happen when he leaves.
**
When it gets time to pack up and say goodbye, Jon's goodbye is more tearful than Brendon's. Ryan isn't honestly that surprised, because he's ever seen Brendon cry at anything other than furry animals and other sentimental characters in movies. The three of them go to the airport together with all of Ryan's things. He's had to buy extra cargo space for all of it, but that's alright, because it's cheaper than getting it mailed over separately. They help him drag his two suitcases inside Heathrow and he's happy enough for a moment. His two best friends are here to see him off. He doesn't think about what's going to happen afterwards.
They don't walk him to the security gate, because Brendon gets lost easily and Jon doesn't really have enough time before class to wait with the two of them. Brendon jumps happily into Ryan's open arms, talking about coming to visit him and Spencer. It's only when he leans back that he mentions Vicky and leers rather uncomfortably at Ryan. More often than not, Ryan thinks that Brendon looks like a chipmunk trying to be a biker. This is one of those times.
Jon doesn't jump, chirp or leer at Ryan, but he does hug him. The hug is long, but not unnecessarily so. They don't know when they're going to see each other again and this feels like the last goodbye for a long time if not forever. Ryan lets himself cry a little because he knows Jon is, and it makes him feel better that they're on the same page.
Somehow, he manages to tear himself away and pick up his carry on bag before it gets too much. As he's walking away, he feels that same pull to look back over his shoulder at the two of them that he did the last time he was in this airport. This time, as he's walking away, he does look back. They are still standing there, watching him walk away and he feels happier with the idea that they don't want him to leave almost as much as he doesn't want to.
Chapter 8: You Can't Count On Me
Ryan had turned his iPod off long before the flight was due to land, but the earphones are still hanging out of his ears. He'd tried to sleep with it on, then with it off. Neither worked and he'd forgotten to pack a notepad in his small bag, so he had ended up watching a bad quality colonial drama with no sound. It isn't his fault that he feels like he could make it better, with the same cast and set of props. Twenty minutes before the plane gets to the airport, he flicks it back into life and pretends that the first song that came on shouldn't make him want to cry. Prince isn't that sort of music.
Without looking down to see what song he's scanning over, his thumb clicks down and he was content to be drowned in The Beatles. Ryan doesn't notice the plane landing until the person next to him knocks his arm and flaps a hand at the exit. He smiles and turns off the iPod, slipping it into his jeans and picking up his bag under the seat.
He knows who'd be waiting on the other side of customs and why. Spencer had called to tell him that he would be picking him up from the airport regardless of Ryan's need for a yellow cab, for a little slice of New York. He'd missed the city, the smell, the feel of the streets. New York had been his home for years and the familiarity crawls under his skin as soon as he can see the shape of the island from the window of the plane.
It seems an age before he's out in the main area of the airport and there's snow on the ground. He can see actual snow, rather than the slush that's he been getting used to in England. But there's no Spencer. He waits in the most obvious place that he can find, in the middle of the main entrance, in view of all the doors and all the little stores. He waits for five minutes before he starts to need the toilet, he waits ten before he's getting anxious from Spencer's absence.
After fifteen he takes his bags and heads to the nearest seats. He can still see the main doors, but he's not as visible. He's getting really worried and it's not until some obnoxious man walks past, almost shouting into his phone, that Ryan thinks to check his own. There's no messages, no missed calls, not from England or from Spencer. So he waits.
Spencer arrives forty minutes later, barely dressed and still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Ryan jumps up, dragging his bags and a half full cup of coffee towards Spencer. He holds the cup out like a prize and Spencer takes it like one. They kiss through the taste of coffee and when they break away, Spencer seems a little more awake. He smiles a little apologetically and Ryan tugs the jumper he's wearing. It's on backwards.
They walk out together, into the cold winter weather.
**
Vicky takes them out the second night that Ryan's home; the first is spent in bed, asleep. Spencer's not been sleeping well, mostly because of the thought that Ryan might bring someone with him. He really didn't want that to happen. He'd spent that night waking up and looking at the form lying in the bed next to him, then trying to get back to sleep again.
Vicky doesn't comment on the bags under their eyes, or the fact that they aren't letting go of each other. They feel comfortable to be like that together, knowing that they don't have to let go anymore. She eyes them up and smiles as she leads them inside. They aren't going to the club right away, because Gabe's got something to celebrate. Neither of them have told the couple what was going on and both of them are anxious to know what the big surprise is.
In fact, it's what Vicky been waiting for since she'd told Gabe that she could play the keytar. Some A&R guy had heard them playing at the coffee shop next door to
Vicky's bookstore and had scratched up a contract for them. The only thing that Gabe had to give in to was the part that they need to hire some touring guitarists and a drummer. It was only when Vicky told Ryan this later in the kitchen that he realised that Spencer and him were the only two outside of the touring band that were at this little get together.
Spencer, Ryan and Vicky went to get a taxi together to VJ's whilst the others waited for their own. Gabe had attached himself to Ryland and Alex, but especially to the new drummer, who neither Spencer nor Ryan had met. He'd been introduced as Nate, but there was a long jumbled sentence around it, which had included the name of the A&R guy and Spencer's mother, so they didn't really know.
The celebration is fun, but the couple are too tired to really do much other than sit in the booth that Gabe has once again acquired and drink with Alex and Ryland, who are rather scared of the dance floor. They head back early, and Spencer falls asleep in the taxi. Ryan waits patiently and shepards him into the apartment, because one of them has to do it.
Ryan doesn't sleep much that night, thinking about the things that one of them has to do.
**
Ryan's been home almost a month when Spencer really starts to notice that he's not happy. He's not someone who shows emotions easily, and it's only when Spencer kisses him and feels the scruff of beard on his jaw. He pulls back, touching it gently and staring at Ryan's eyes, nose, mouth, jaw. Ryan looks away, shifting from Spencer's touch when he feels the other man stroking on the hair. Ryan is meticulous about shaving, he hates feeling the hair scrape against his hand when he touches his own face.
"You're not ok here, are you?" Ryan stays still under the Spencer's hands as he speaks, knowing that he's been a part of this conversation before. He doesn't want it to go the same way. He doesn't want Spencer to follow him for no good reason.
"I just miss England, that's all." He shrugs to complement his words and risks a half-hearted smile. "It felt a bit like home." Spencer moves away from Ryan and lifts his head, so they are looking into each other's eyes.
"Home like Nevada?" He waits a few seconds, then says what Ryan really wants him to say and not to all at the same time. "Or home like your notebook?" He hadn't expected Spencer to put it like that, but it made more sense than how he had been thinking about it.
"Like your drum set - the pictures on our fridge. Like our bed. Like that... Like us." Ryan says, looking up at the ceiling. Spencer breathes out through his nose sharply and lets himself smile a little. Of course Ryan would say that, it sounded exactly like the words in the shoebox under their bed that he forgot to take to England. The ones that Ryan thought were too - happy, but they weren't happy - positive to publish, the ones that he thought no-one wanted to see.
Spencer's favourite isn't in the box anymore; it's in the same box as the shoes that Ryan bought him for Christmas that he hasn't had anywhere to wear them to yet. It's crossed out more than once, but Spencer could read it. You feel like climbing out of a tree and into a bedroom window to me. Ryan doesn't know he has it, just like he didn't know that Spencer's seen the shoebox. It just makes him feel happier to know that the Ryan still thinks about it too.
"I know. I just... It's not home for me. I don't know anyone there, except for your friends. I don't want to be the housewife." Spencer sighs, leaning back against the sofa. "I have a life here." He doesn't know how else to put it. How to explain that he can't just pick up and leave all over again. He left his family and he doesn't want to leave his friends. Ryan's the only person he had in New York before he walked into the little bookshop around the corner from the job that he'd found before they'd moved. He'd started spending lunch times in the bookstore, until Ryan told him to invite his mystery lunch date out with them to the bar down the road. He can't wait to find another bookstore in London; he just can't do that all over again.
"Well, I don't. I never did, even before England. I don't have friends here. I have you. Can't you have me there?" Spencer shakes his head and gets off the sofa, moving away from Ryan. "Spencer, please." Spencer doesn't know how to say 'I want to be the selfish one and you're not letting me. Why aren't you letting me?' But he can't. Ryan had him in Nevada and he has him now. Spencer had reasons to stay where he was and left anyway, because they needed to go somewhere together. But New York isn't London. That's it. New York isn't London.
"I don't know. You can't just ask me to pick up and go again. We left because we had reason to leave. I don't this time. I don't." He puts his hands on the wall and leant his head against it, feeling the cold of the plaster against his forehead. "I can't talk about this right now." He stops for a minute, expecting Ryan to come up behind him, thinking about the kiss that he'd give him. But all he hears is a jangle of keys and then the door slamming shut. He turns around, not knowing what he expects to see and finds an empty apartment.
It's ok for him to be selfish. It is.
**
Ryan's staring out the window, looking for the house that he's only ever seen once before. He's paid the deposit with his share of money from the sale of the New York apartment. It isn't near enough to the theatre that he's found an assistant job with, or close to the University, where Brendon and Jon are. But it's a gorgeous house and the best thing he could find with only a month to look and one trip to see it.
Then, there it is, a junk heap for a front garden and a broken gate. He smiles at what's going to be his new home, and opens the car door. He goes to get the few bags that aren't coming on the van Ryan has hired to bring the furniture and everything too big to fit in the suitcases he's trying to drag to the door.
He gets the key out of his pocket and unlocks the door for the very first time. The bags are almost too heavy to drag over the step, but he manages. He stands for a moment, next to the open door, looking at the front room. It's a lot bigger than it had seemed originally, now it was free from furniture.
Ryan can't wait for long; the taxi driver is waiting for the money and he really just wants to settle in. He pulls his wallet out of his back pocket and walks to the front of the taxi, taking out a few notes and handing them to the driver. He waves off the change and goes round to the backseat.
He reaches over Spencer's sleeping body to unbuckle him, and then gently shakes him enough that he won't put up too much of a fight to get into the house. Ryan never has understood how Spencer could sleep in moving vehicles. They get out of the taxi and Spencer turns his head to Ryan.
"We're here?" Ryan smiles, half lifting him up the small path into the house. Once they've get inside and Spencer's sat on the stairs, face buried in his arms, Ryan looks over the room and his boyfriend.
"Yeah, we're home."
Bonus Content
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Chapter One - Chapter Two - Chapter Three - Chapter Four & Five - Chapter Six, Seven & Eight
Bonus Content
Chapter 6: Anything's Hard to Change
Spencer's waiting outside for him, just as he said. They don't speak on the way to the airport, or on the plane. They don't speak in the car back to the apartment, or as they order Thai food. Ryan knows what Spencer wants; they've ordered from the same place twice a month since they moved to Queens. They let the television fill the silence of the apartment until Spencer pushes off the blanket that he's been curled up under and heads to the bedroom. Ryan sighs, picks up the empty Thai cartons and throws them into the trash can.
He flicks off the light, makes his way back to the sofa and pulls the blanket over his legs. He's slept on this sofa enough times to know where it's comfortable. Ryan picks up the TV remote and flicks to TCM. A British movie - which Ryan thinks is called Where The Spies Are - is on, and he lies down to watch it. He slept on the plane, just enough to not be tired from his lack of sleep the night before.
About halfway through the movie, Ryan yawns and reaches for the remote. He fumbles with the table edge for a moment before leaning forward and reaching out for it.
"Coming to bed?" Ryan whips around, looking into the dark at Spencer, leaning up against the bedroom door frame.
"Yeah?" Ryan replies hopefully, sitting up straight and turning his body towards Spencer.
"Yeah." He grapples with the remote and switches off the TV as quickly as possible. As he's doing this, Spencer's already back inside the bedroom. Ryan can see him under the duvet and goes to climb in behind him. Spencer turns over, settling on his back and watches Ryan get in to lie beside him.
Spencer turns over, holding an arm out for Ryan to slip under, and he does. They rarely go to bed together angry, and Ryan knows that this is Spencer's first sign of forgiveness. He presses a kiss to his man palm and closes his eyes.
He's asleep just a few seconds later.
**
Ryan meets Spencer for lunch every day whilst he's in New York. He doesn't have any work to be doing, so it's easier to slum around town. He's been down to Vicky's bookstore more than ever before and she's just starting to talk to him about something other than books. Generally, they don't really ever talk about things other than books and music, so it's not much of a change for Ryan.
She has to leave every time that there's a customer, which is actually quite a lot for a small bookstore in Queens. Ryan is comfortable to sit and read as she deals with the customers. The phone rings whilst she's with a customer and she's about to excuse herself when Ryan picks it up. He repeats the same garble that he's heard Vicky say many a time into the phone. It's a question about one of the books that Ryan helped restock the other week. They do have a copy and the opening times are the same the whole week, so whenever the customer needs to come in, that's fine. Yes, Ryan can put a copy aside for her if she can pick it up within the next to days.
When Vicky comes over after seeing out the customer, she smiles at him and points to a box that sitting on the main desk. "We need to restock Crime." Ryan laughs and picks up the box to restock as Vicky starts working through the receipts. It's a comfortable life, especially as Spencer needs to come to in to collect Ryan for lunch. Sometimes, like today, he brings food with him. The three of them sit at the table in the cupboard of a staff room, after Vicky flips the closed sign over.
Vicky and Spencer talk about music, Gabe, books, the weather, anything that comes to mind. Somehow, they get onto the subject of travel, and Ryan gets dragged into the conversation.
"Furthest place away from home?" Spencer and Ryan both stop for a minute when Vicky asks, but England isn't just the memory of that night. Her smile drops just after Ryan's does, and she goes to take back what she's saying. "I- er..."
"You've been to London, right?" Vicky breathes out and nods. "Been to Camden?" Vicky laughs and leans across the table, acting like she does when she's interested in a guy. Ryan kicks Spencer lightly under the table and nods at her.
"Vicky, you realise Ryan's gay, right?" They bend over giggling whilst Vicky sits there completely oblivious of what's going on. "It's just that, your cleavage is threatening to engulf him." Spencer manages to say through the laughter. She sits upright and pulls at her top, looking down at her boobs at she does.
"Shut up," she mumbles when they continue to laugh. "It's not funny, alright?" Ryan reaches across and pats her gently on the head. She swats at his hand, but smiles all the same. It's almost as if the year hasn't gone past.
**
It takes two weeks of Ryan helping out at the store before Vicky sits him down and asks if he wants a real job. She has an assistant, who isn't the best at his job. He sits and reads the books that he's shelving more than Ryan does. Vicky wouldn't usually mind, except that he's being paid to sit around and do nothing whilst she's fixing the cupboards and tallying the till.
Ryan's taken to fetching the morning coffee for the two of them and the assistant is getting even more lax because he knows that he isn't being favoured by the 'new kid'. He's taken to calling Ryan that, regardless of the fact that he's the youngest out of all of them, including Brendon, who is scheduled to visit within the next few days.
Vicky had only mentioned Brendon once, to ask whether he was coming to stay at all. Ryan had noticed the little smile that she had given him when he'd said Brendon would come to work with him when he visits. Brendon's done the touristy things, that's not why he's coming. He wants to see Ryan.
He's staying for almost a month, which means he'll be in town for three working weeks and Vicky really won't need her 'assistant' if Brendon's going to be around. She asks Ryan to close up the store the same day, whilst she, very delicately, tells him that his assistance isn't required any longer. He breezes past Ryan just as he's taking the reserved books out from under the desk. Neither of them speak to each other, but Ryan receives a glare as he walks past. Vicky pokes her head out into the main room just as the door slams shut.
"Has he gone?" she stage whispers. Ryan giggles and beckons her out. He creeps forward to meet her in the middle of the floor and together they both look out the door.
"I think he's far enough down the road that we can talk normally." She slaps him on the arm and stands up properly so that she can walk up to the till and pretend that she wasn't scared of her own assistant.
**
When Brendon arrives, it's in the middle of the day, so when Ryan asks to go pick him up, Vicky closes the store. He honestly doesn't expect her to do that, but she knows that there won't be anyone going to the store that can't come back. He raises his eyebrow at her as she runs to get her coat and keys. She demands to take her car, because his is 'a piece of shit'. It also means she gets to impress Brendon with her new car.
Brendon's waiting outside the airport, ready to be picked up. Ryan helps him load his bags into the car and Brendon slides into the front seat next to Vicky. As Ryan gets into the back, he can see them smiling at each other. He shakes his head and tells Vicky to drive. The entire ride back to the bookstore seems to be a prelude to the week, flirting and giggling from both parties. Ryan sits there shaking his head and hoping to god that he and Spencer were never like this.
Spencer arrives at the bookstore with lunch just a few minutes after they do. It's Chinese, Brendon's favourite and they both know that Spencer knows this. The four of them eat quite happily, before Vicky decides that it's a good idea to open the bookstore again before she makes a complete loss on the day.
Later, as Vicky takes Ryan and Brendon home, she suggests dinner with the three of them. Brendon agrees all too hastily and Ryan gets out of the car and into the apartment block with one of Brendon's bag as quickly as he can. He doesn't want to see this hello.
Spencer's already there and is undressing. Ryan grabs his waist and presses his lips to the younger man's shoulder. He turns the other man around in his arms and kisses him properly. It's been a while since they've done this, and Ryan knows that it can't go on for very long because Brendon will be buzzing to come up in just a second. But it's nice the way it is at just that moment.
They won't get much time together for the next three weeks, so Ryan wants to hold onto every second he has alone with Spencer. The buzzer sounds and he pulls back, wiping his thumb across Spencer's lip. He kisses him once again, the picks up his shirt and goes to buzz Brendon in, leaving the door open so they don't have to get up for that as well. The two of them are curled up on the sofa when Brendon stumbles through the door, slightly more disheveled than he had been when Ryan left him.
"So, I'm going to be working with you then?" He says, sitting down on the armchair across from them. Ryan laughs, because he knows that he hadn't told Brendon that. Vicky must have spoken to him at some point during their time in the car.
"Well, I'm going to be working. I don't know how much work the two of you will get done. Such a player." Spencer laughs in the Ryan's shoulder when he says this. Brendon protests this description, but smiles all the same.
**
The next morning, the three of them are sat around the breakfast table with barely manifested hangovers when Ryan's mobile rings. He doesn't have one for America, because he's never really alone enough to need one and even then he's usually in the apartment. He picks it up, speaking hastily into the phone.
"I'm in America; hang up if you don't want a huge phone bill." There's a braying laugh from the other end of the phone. Pete. Ryan sighs and leaves the kitchen, waving off offers of coffee.
Spencer and Brendon sit in silence for a few minutes until it's obvious that Ryan's going to be on the phone for a long while. There's nothing they can really have a conversation about. Brendon is Ryan's friend, not his and they've very rarely been alone together.
"Does he do this a lot?" Spencer finally says, nodding out the door. He's never seen Ryan turn down coffee or leave the room to have a conversation. Spencer's never asked about the privacy issue, so he figures there isn't one.
"All the time. It's usually you on the other end of the phone though." Brendon laughs a little, and takes a sip of his coffee. Spencer doesn't know how to treat that. It's not like their conversations need any special form of privacy. Phone sex isn't a big thing in their relationship.
"Oh, um... sorry." Brendon waves him off, but that just makes him feel worse. "Don't you get, like angry with him? Leaving you like this?" Brendon shrugs into his coffee.
"I don't really get annoyed at people. Only once with Ryan, but he made it up to me. That's kind of what was important." Spencer nods, getting up to pour himself another cup of coffee. "He showed up at my dorm with a box of Disney movies." Brendon laughs again, shaking his head. "I mean, I love Disney, but seriously, it must have taken him forever to bargain those DVD's off of people." Spencer smiles, sitting back down.
"What happened?" Brendon screws up his face in an expression that Spencer thinks is meant to be a frown. "To make you angry. What did he do?" Brendon puts his coffee mug to his mouth and shrugs again.
"It doesn't matter. I don't - I don't even really remember. Something really stupid probably." Spencer nods and that's it. They don't talk about anything else, until Ryan comes back into the room and drop himself on the edge of his chair, sighing and talking about how much of a burden Pete is on him. The other two laugh at his self indulgence and remark on it. Ryan pouts at the two of them, but gets up to shower anyway. Spencer follows him to the bedroom and they all get ready for work.
**
Brendon heads back to New York and Ryan just starts trying to hold on to the seconds he has left. He doesn't like New York as such, but he likes who's there, he likes how he feels in the apartment. He doesn't want to go back to living in the empty space that he occupies on England. No matter how loud Brendon is, he still can't fill that silence.
Spencer has taken the week off, because he's got that much left in leave until Christmas. They don't do all that much, but Ryan gets to read to Spencer whilst they still have time. It's his favourite thing to do when they're alone together, when they're lying in bed late at night and early in the morning. It makes him tired and he manages to get half way down a page before he starts yawning when they're lying together on the last day. Spencer laughs and takes the book, as he very rarely does. They read for a little bit longer, but Ryan's clothes are still strewn across the bedroom.
Ryan goes to make coffee as Spencer starts clearing a space around the bed, under which they stashed Ryan's suitcase. He pulls it out and flips it open, only to find that it's still half-packed. There are a few pairs of trousers in the case that he has definitely never seen before. It dawns on him more than it ever has before that Ryan has a completely separate life from him. He sits there until Ryan comes in from the kitchen and hands him a cup of coffee. Ryan begins to fold and pack his clothes into the suitcase as Spencer is sat there sipping gently at his coffee and watching him. After ten minutes he gets up and moves into the living room. He can't be there to watch, he wasn't there the first time and it's no different now.
Half an hour later, he's read the same two pages far too many times and he's can't really see the words anymore. Ryan drops the suitcase next to him and Spencer jumps. They smile at each other and Ryan flops down on the sofa next to him. They sit together and watch television until it's far past the time that they needed to get up and get dressed. Spencer goes to make himself breakfast first, because he knows it'll be the only thing he'll eat all day.
It doesn't take the two of them too long to get dressed, ready and into the car, but it takes them all too long to get to the airport. Ryan never thought he'd feel this way about a car ride with Spencer, but he does. It's awkward, because they've already said all they need to say to each other and they are both waiting to see what happens when Ryan is alone once again.
The goodbye is almost the same as the last two, except there's an air of expectation. They both want Ryan to be good and to stay faithful, but there's the lingering thought that he won't.
Ryan checks-in and Spencer walks him to the security gate. Then Ryan's alone and has twenty minutes to wait before he can even get on the plane. It hits him that he's really alone and he can't think of much else to do but sit on a chair and cry silently into his lap.
**
The plane is almost the same as the others, but really it's not. It's the first time when he's bothered to look around the plane, to find its distinctive quirks. They look alike, but there's always a chair that won't lean back smoothly, or a tray that needs to be pushed hard into the seat back to be shut properly. Ryan doesn't know why, but it sets him off thinking about a hotel. 'All the people flowing in and out and, oh, what the walls could say. And isn't that the point? What could the walls say?' He sits thinking about this for long enough that he starts to feel the need for a pen in his hand. He scrabbles for his notebook in his bag and that's his flight set.
He hadn't been able to work in New York, not just sit down and write, but now, here he is, writing like his life depends on it. Ryan's not the type to think that this is a sign, but as he heads away from the city and over the Atlantic, he starts to feel like he's free of something. He doesn't think whilst he writes, but what he would think is that it's not Spencer that he's leaving behind, because he yearns for him every day when they're apart. But it's the last ties to America and to his childhood that he can leave behind when he's in England.
But right now, he's concentrated and that's all that matters. The drama and bullshit that takes hold of him every day is background noise and there's nothing but him and the ink. It takes a jolt from the airplane to bring him out of his stupor and even then, once the movements have settled down, he resumes writing. By the time he gets off the plane in London, Ryan has the draft of an act and the making of another two coming along quite nicely. There are musical references and poetry floating around on the pages of his notebook that he's quite proud of. He doesn't quite know what it's about yet, because strangely he hasn't yet managed to write the ending. It's usually what he begins with, painting the ending in extreme detail before he thinks of how it could have begun. In one of his plays, the ending is the beginning.
He hasn't been listening to what the stewardess has been saying for the length of the flight, and he's not really ready to listen to her now, but he does, because he's already put the notebook away. He's still got the pen in his hand though, and he can feel himself tapping it against his leg. It's a rush for him to get off the plane and get his feet onto solid ground.
Brendon is waiting for him in the main Atrium and all he can think is that the only time he has ever seen Ryan smile more than this is when he's been talking to Spencer on the phone.
Chapter 7: The Days You'd Wished You'd Stayed
Brendon decides in the middle of their Brecht lecture the first week back that Ryan needs a night out, and because it's a Wednesday, he drags him out to the nearest gay club. Ryan has spent the past few months trying to explain to the younger man that regardless of his sexuality, he was not interested in watching half dressed, leather-clad men dance around each other like butterflies.
It's less than distracting and more annoying than anything for Ryan, but he suffers through, because he loves seeing Brendon's face when men ask him to dance. Brendon, for some reason, seems to think that because he isn't gay, he has a bright neon sign above his head that indicates this. This is predominantly because neither Jon nor Ryan - the only two gay men Brendon had actually made friends with - have tried to hit on him.
They sit and drink for a while, whilst Brendon chats away and tries to get Ryan to dance with any of the men that ask him. Eventually, once Brendon is drunk enough, he asks Ryan himself. Surprisingly, he accepts the hand to be dragged out onto the dance floor. Brendon is a good dancer; regardless of the fact that the only time he does it is when he's smashed.
Ryan likes dancing with Brendon, because he feels more like Spencer than anyone else in England. They both have the natural sense of rhythm and stability that Ryan has always lacked and it's comfortable and familiar to be pushed up against a body that's so happy to lead him. He closes his eyes and tucks his face into Brendon's neck as they move together. They stay that way for a while, for long enough, for too long possibly.
It takes colliding with another couple to jerk Ryan away from New York and back into the club. Brendon jumps at one of the other men and it takes Ryan almost a minute to realise who he's looking at. Standing there, with Brendon wrapped around him, was Jon. His hair's longer and his face is covered in scruff. It's strange to see him, especially with a man holding onto his arm that Ryan has never seen before.
Jon smiles at him, eyes ducking down for a moment. Ryan can see the nervousness in his stance and the confusion of the man with him. The older man holds out his hand towards the new person and introduces himself. Brendon does the same and Jon introduces the two of them to Tom. He's not at the university, but he does work for the photography store that Jon reportedly grew so attached to over the summer. Brendon invites the two of them for a drink, but not before he looks at Ryan for confirmation. He shrugs, and that's it. Jon's talking to Brendon properly and both Ryan and Tom find that the other can play the guitar.
It's not uncomfortable.
**
It's strange, having a fourth person to join them in the pubs before dinner every night, but it's also nice. Brendon's not seen anyone since he got back from London and Ryan's got Spencer. The four of them are attached, and there's not any discussion of love or sex over the table. Tom turns out to be a nice guy and a good friend. He helps Brendon run lines whilst Jon's working long hours, and he brings Ryan coffee when he's visiting the studios.
He also happens to know a few of the guys that are building the set on Ryan's production. The five of them meet in the mornings for the coffee that Tom brings, and it means that Ryan gets to know some of the people that Jon has always talked about. Mike, Adam - who prefers Sisky Biz the bass whiz, but will settle for Sisky - and Michael - also know as Chiz; Ryan starts to wonder about the sanity of these people, especially when Adam refers to Mike as - are all nice guys, if a little stranger. But then again, Ryan isn't exactly the most normal of people and neither are his other friends.
All the same, it's nice to have peopled that he can talk to before the actors arrive and after they leave. Jon had recommended them, because they like to work on complicated sets. Ryan has never known any team to be specifically for that, but he'd glad that he's found them, especially because Pete's been working with him on the set and it's much more complex than Ryan alone would have made it.
Pete's hanging around today, but he's brought his own coffee, so that's alright. Ryan's working on the script that he had started writing just before the assignment had finished. Pete had presented the script to him after he said that he needed one to direct for the production he was expected to put on. The plays been taking up most of his life lately, including missing pre-dinner pub trips. Tom's been catching him up every morning on any gossip that the other two impart to him the previous evening anyway, so it's not like he's missing out. But he does miss Brendon, the only one that he hasn't managed to see on a regular basis whilst this play has been going on.
He calls Brendon during lunch hour, only to find his phone engaged, but he leaves a message anyway. Brendon always gets back to him. In fact, twenty minutes later, his phone vibrates on the table with a message inviting him to dinner later.
**
It's the first time that the two of them have been alone together since Brendon had come to pick Ryan up from the airport. Ever since they had since Jon and Tom at the club, they had been spending more and more time together and the rest of their friends. Ryan was beginning to feel at home in England once again. He feels happier in the new apartment than at his old one. There aren't the bad memories and he can start all over again, making new ones with new people.
Brendon likes it better as well, because there's no sofa, which gives him an excuse to jump on the bed. Ryan has spent no end of time trying to avoid being crushed whilst laughing at him. They had also spent weekends curled up under the covers watching Disney movies and the occasional film noir. Jon and Tom had joined them once, but found that they were constantly outvoted and spent a large amount of the time trying to hide the fact that they were making out. This only made their actions more obvious, and served as joke material for almost a fortnight.
The friendship that developed between the four of them made it easier for Ryan to feel comfortable with his own relationship. His and Jon's past relationship was not a conversation topic that any of them had tried to bring up and for a very good reason. It'd taken a long time for Ryan to trust himself in the same room as Jon, even with Tom and Brendon there. If he could do what he did to Spencer, he knew that those two wouldn't stand in his way.
Halfway through November, Ryan and Jon go out for coffee on their own and nothing happens. Ryan doesn't feel like anything will happen and he doesn't want anything to. Jon is his friend now. They talk about how nice it is not working on a production and just waiting for the term to be over. Ryan is still working on a production, but not in the way that Jon means, so that's ok. They run out of conversation just as Ryan finishes his coffee and they fall comfortably silent. It hits him in that moment that it's taken them a year to get to this point and now they only have a month to be friends before Ryan's gone. Ryan doesn't believe that he'll stay in touch unless people - Brendon - make him. That's always been what Spencer's good for.
Ryan spends the next month trying to be the best friend that he can to Jon and Brendon, because he doesn't want to think about what's going to happen when he leaves.
**
When it gets time to pack up and say goodbye, Jon's goodbye is more tearful than Brendon's. Ryan isn't honestly that surprised, because he's ever seen Brendon cry at anything other than furry animals and other sentimental characters in movies. The three of them go to the airport together with all of Ryan's things. He's had to buy extra cargo space for all of it, but that's alright, because it's cheaper than getting it mailed over separately. They help him drag his two suitcases inside Heathrow and he's happy enough for a moment. His two best friends are here to see him off. He doesn't think about what's going to happen afterwards.
They don't walk him to the security gate, because Brendon gets lost easily and Jon doesn't really have enough time before class to wait with the two of them. Brendon jumps happily into Ryan's open arms, talking about coming to visit him and Spencer. It's only when he leans back that he mentions Vicky and leers rather uncomfortably at Ryan. More often than not, Ryan thinks that Brendon looks like a chipmunk trying to be a biker. This is one of those times.
Jon doesn't jump, chirp or leer at Ryan, but he does hug him. The hug is long, but not unnecessarily so. They don't know when they're going to see each other again and this feels like the last goodbye for a long time if not forever. Ryan lets himself cry a little because he knows Jon is, and it makes him feel better that they're on the same page.
Somehow, he manages to tear himself away and pick up his carry on bag before it gets too much. As he's walking away, he feels that same pull to look back over his shoulder at the two of them that he did the last time he was in this airport. This time, as he's walking away, he does look back. They are still standing there, watching him walk away and he feels happier with the idea that they don't want him to leave almost as much as he doesn't want to.
Chapter 8: You Can't Count On Me
Ryan had turned his iPod off long before the flight was due to land, but the earphones are still hanging out of his ears. He'd tried to sleep with it on, then with it off. Neither worked and he'd forgotten to pack a notepad in his small bag, so he had ended up watching a bad quality colonial drama with no sound. It isn't his fault that he feels like he could make it better, with the same cast and set of props. Twenty minutes before the plane gets to the airport, he flicks it back into life and pretends that the first song that came on shouldn't make him want to cry. Prince isn't that sort of music.
Without looking down to see what song he's scanning over, his thumb clicks down and he was content to be drowned in The Beatles. Ryan doesn't notice the plane landing until the person next to him knocks his arm and flaps a hand at the exit. He smiles and turns off the iPod, slipping it into his jeans and picking up his bag under the seat.
He knows who'd be waiting on the other side of customs and why. Spencer had called to tell him that he would be picking him up from the airport regardless of Ryan's need for a yellow cab, for a little slice of New York. He'd missed the city, the smell, the feel of the streets. New York had been his home for years and the familiarity crawls under his skin as soon as he can see the shape of the island from the window of the plane.
It seems an age before he's out in the main area of the airport and there's snow on the ground. He can see actual snow, rather than the slush that's he been getting used to in England. But there's no Spencer. He waits in the most obvious place that he can find, in the middle of the main entrance, in view of all the doors and all the little stores. He waits for five minutes before he starts to need the toilet, he waits ten before he's getting anxious from Spencer's absence.
After fifteen he takes his bags and heads to the nearest seats. He can still see the main doors, but he's not as visible. He's getting really worried and it's not until some obnoxious man walks past, almost shouting into his phone, that Ryan thinks to check his own. There's no messages, no missed calls, not from England or from Spencer. So he waits.
Spencer arrives forty minutes later, barely dressed and still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Ryan jumps up, dragging his bags and a half full cup of coffee towards Spencer. He holds the cup out like a prize and Spencer takes it like one. They kiss through the taste of coffee and when they break away, Spencer seems a little more awake. He smiles a little apologetically and Ryan tugs the jumper he's wearing. It's on backwards.
They walk out together, into the cold winter weather.
**
Vicky takes them out the second night that Ryan's home; the first is spent in bed, asleep. Spencer's not been sleeping well, mostly because of the thought that Ryan might bring someone with him. He really didn't want that to happen. He'd spent that night waking up and looking at the form lying in the bed next to him, then trying to get back to sleep again.
Vicky doesn't comment on the bags under their eyes, or the fact that they aren't letting go of each other. They feel comfortable to be like that together, knowing that they don't have to let go anymore. She eyes them up and smiles as she leads them inside. They aren't going to the club right away, because Gabe's got something to celebrate. Neither of them have told the couple what was going on and both of them are anxious to know what the big surprise is.
In fact, it's what Vicky been waiting for since she'd told Gabe that she could play the keytar. Some A&R guy had heard them playing at the coffee shop next door to
Vicky's bookstore and had scratched up a contract for them. The only thing that Gabe had to give in to was the part that they need to hire some touring guitarists and a drummer. It was only when Vicky told Ryan this later in the kitchen that he realised that Spencer and him were the only two outside of the touring band that were at this little get together.
Spencer, Ryan and Vicky went to get a taxi together to VJ's whilst the others waited for their own. Gabe had attached himself to Ryland and Alex, but especially to the new drummer, who neither Spencer nor Ryan had met. He'd been introduced as Nate, but there was a long jumbled sentence around it, which had included the name of the A&R guy and Spencer's mother, so they didn't really know.
The celebration is fun, but the couple are too tired to really do much other than sit in the booth that Gabe has once again acquired and drink with Alex and Ryland, who are rather scared of the dance floor. They head back early, and Spencer falls asleep in the taxi. Ryan waits patiently and shepards him into the apartment, because one of them has to do it.
Ryan doesn't sleep much that night, thinking about the things that one of them has to do.
**
Ryan's been home almost a month when Spencer really starts to notice that he's not happy. He's not someone who shows emotions easily, and it's only when Spencer kisses him and feels the scruff of beard on his jaw. He pulls back, touching it gently and staring at Ryan's eyes, nose, mouth, jaw. Ryan looks away, shifting from Spencer's touch when he feels the other man stroking on the hair. Ryan is meticulous about shaving, he hates feeling the hair scrape against his hand when he touches his own face.
"You're not ok here, are you?" Ryan stays still under the Spencer's hands as he speaks, knowing that he's been a part of this conversation before. He doesn't want it to go the same way. He doesn't want Spencer to follow him for no good reason.
"I just miss England, that's all." He shrugs to complement his words and risks a half-hearted smile. "It felt a bit like home." Spencer moves away from Ryan and lifts his head, so they are looking into each other's eyes.
"Home like Nevada?" He waits a few seconds, then says what Ryan really wants him to say and not to all at the same time. "Or home like your notebook?" He hadn't expected Spencer to put it like that, but it made more sense than how he had been thinking about it.
"Like your drum set - the pictures on our fridge. Like our bed. Like that... Like us." Ryan says, looking up at the ceiling. Spencer breathes out through his nose sharply and lets himself smile a little. Of course Ryan would say that, it sounded exactly like the words in the shoebox under their bed that he forgot to take to England. The ones that Ryan thought were too - happy, but they weren't happy - positive to publish, the ones that he thought no-one wanted to see.
Spencer's favourite isn't in the box anymore; it's in the same box as the shoes that Ryan bought him for Christmas that he hasn't had anywhere to wear them to yet. It's crossed out more than once, but Spencer could read it. You feel like climbing out of a tree and into a bedroom window to me. Ryan doesn't know he has it, just like he didn't know that Spencer's seen the shoebox. It just makes him feel happier to know that the Ryan still thinks about it too.
"I know. I just... It's not home for me. I don't know anyone there, except for your friends. I don't want to be the housewife." Spencer sighs, leaning back against the sofa. "I have a life here." He doesn't know how else to put it. How to explain that he can't just pick up and leave all over again. He left his family and he doesn't want to leave his friends. Ryan's the only person he had in New York before he walked into the little bookshop around the corner from the job that he'd found before they'd moved. He'd started spending lunch times in the bookstore, until Ryan told him to invite his mystery lunch date out with them to the bar down the road. He can't wait to find another bookstore in London; he just can't do that all over again.
"Well, I don't. I never did, even before England. I don't have friends here. I have you. Can't you have me there?" Spencer shakes his head and gets off the sofa, moving away from Ryan. "Spencer, please." Spencer doesn't know how to say 'I want to be the selfish one and you're not letting me. Why aren't you letting me?' But he can't. Ryan had him in Nevada and he has him now. Spencer had reasons to stay where he was and left anyway, because they needed to go somewhere together. But New York isn't London. That's it. New York isn't London.
"I don't know. You can't just ask me to pick up and go again. We left because we had reason to leave. I don't this time. I don't." He puts his hands on the wall and leant his head against it, feeling the cold of the plaster against his forehead. "I can't talk about this right now." He stops for a minute, expecting Ryan to come up behind him, thinking about the kiss that he'd give him. But all he hears is a jangle of keys and then the door slamming shut. He turns around, not knowing what he expects to see and finds an empty apartment.
It's ok for him to be selfish. It is.
**
Ryan's staring out the window, looking for the house that he's only ever seen once before. He's paid the deposit with his share of money from the sale of the New York apartment. It isn't near enough to the theatre that he's found an assistant job with, or close to the University, where Brendon and Jon are. But it's a gorgeous house and the best thing he could find with only a month to look and one trip to see it.
Then, there it is, a junk heap for a front garden and a broken gate. He smiles at what's going to be his new home, and opens the car door. He goes to get the few bags that aren't coming on the van Ryan has hired to bring the furniture and everything too big to fit in the suitcases he's trying to drag to the door.
He gets the key out of his pocket and unlocks the door for the very first time. The bags are almost too heavy to drag over the step, but he manages. He stands for a moment, next to the open door, looking at the front room. It's a lot bigger than it had seemed originally, now it was free from furniture.
Ryan can't wait for long; the taxi driver is waiting for the money and he really just wants to settle in. He pulls his wallet out of his back pocket and walks to the front of the taxi, taking out a few notes and handing them to the driver. He waves off the change and goes round to the backseat.
He reaches over Spencer's sleeping body to unbuckle him, and then gently shakes him enough that he won't put up too much of a fight to get into the house. Ryan never has understood how Spencer could sleep in moving vehicles. They get out of the taxi and Spencer turns his head to Ryan.
"We're here?" Ryan smiles, half lifting him up the small path into the house. Once they've get inside and Spencer's sat on the stairs, face buried in his arms, Ryan looks over the room and his boyfriend.
"Yeah, we're home."
Bonus Content
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