my pink padded safety net
So a situation came up the other day that while speaking with someone else, she gave off the impression she didn't like me. Now i barely know the chick and didnt say more than a few sentances to her but bad vibe. I asked if she had a problem.. I got told that pretty much she doesn't understand me. That i do cartwheels and giggle in a padded group that makes sure no harm comes to the "child" who's still growing up into what she is. I got told of a horror story of how she was brought into the lifestyle, what people did to her, why she's scared of men to this day.
i did nothing but look at the ground.
I then told her that it's a very nice padded group and if she wants to meet everyone, all can be arranged. (in time). I told her that sometimes i dont feel safe and protected. Sometimes i feel i cannot trust my own group. at this she fought back and said i didnt understand.
I'm not like the rest of them are.
So i sat down and thought and she's absolutely right. While i have had my bad moments to, there was always someone there. I know there is growth within this group of mine. I know that somedays i sit and i ask questions, which are answered. I am helped and sometimes i dont say thanks near enough. I'm all in all.... Safe. and while i assumed everyone had this feeling of security. they dont.I want more than anything to learn how to serve, to be given the chance, to figure out what it truely means. More than anything.
but to do so requires leaving my safety net.
Am i thinking something wrong here? I feel selfish in the sense that i've always leaned on this net, always fallen in the net and always have come crying to the net whenever things went wrong that maybe i dont know what it truelly means to be nothing but property?
it's something for me to think about.
another day.
Thoughts?
Oh and in my vocabulary of animals. unlike most, I have never played the horse but have played the pig. *nods* not like it matters....just thought it was funny and Kevin marks are gone...sadly.
i did nothing but look at the ground.
I then told her that it's a very nice padded group and if she wants to meet everyone, all can be arranged. (in time). I told her that sometimes i dont feel safe and protected. Sometimes i feel i cannot trust my own group. at this she fought back and said i didnt understand.
I'm not like the rest of them are.
So i sat down and thought and she's absolutely right. While i have had my bad moments to, there was always someone there. I know there is growth within this group of mine. I know that somedays i sit and i ask questions, which are answered. I am helped and sometimes i dont say thanks near enough. I'm all in all.... Safe. and while i assumed everyone had this feeling of security. they dont.I want more than anything to learn how to serve, to be given the chance, to figure out what it truely means. More than anything.
but to do so requires leaving my safety net.
Am i thinking something wrong here? I feel selfish in the sense that i've always leaned on this net, always fallen in the net and always have come crying to the net whenever things went wrong that maybe i dont know what it truelly means to be nothing but property?
it's something for me to think about.
another day.
Thoughts?
Oh and in my vocabulary of animals. unlike most, I have never played the horse but have played the pig. *nods* not like it matters....just thought it was funny and Kevin marks are gone...sadly.