(no subject)
Well it's been ages since I've posted here, and now is as good of a time as any since I've been meaning to update lately anyway.
I sort of wish things could be how they were a couple months ago, but at the same time, you can't go about life with regrets, you just have to take things as they come and be an adult and deal with it.
And I already know this is going to come off with some depressive or angsty tones, I know I won't be able to avoid that, even though I don't really feel like that. But I have no one to talk to at the moment, everyone is sleeping, and I just feel like talking about shit.
So, school's first up I guess. The semester was going fine and dandy until one Monday which I did not make it to any of my three classes. Then Tuesday I only had one class, and seeing as I had already partially taken that class, I decided to skip it as well. By Wednesday I had gotten lazy, and this led on through the week. I did not go to class once that week! I felt guilty at the end of the week, and was going to get back on track and play a little catch up. But then I realized my community service hours for my distributing alcohol to a minor was due the following week, so I had to get that done. Well, doing both school and work, one would have to be sacrificed. Seeing as I work nights, there's not too many options as far as community service, in addition to the consequences if I didn't show up, or called out sick (we only had 3 managers at the time, so there was really no way any of us could call out sick) would most likely result in either a demotion or loss of job. So I skipped a few days of school again to complete that so I wouldn't have a warrant out for my arrest! I started going back to class but by that time I sort of had dug too deep. I missed a bunch of assignments and quizzes, and hadn't kept up with the readings. I actually went and spoke with a counselor and advisor today to discuss my options and what I could do in the future. So I'm going to do a complete withdrawal probably when I wake up. Whether or not I'll continue with my education at ASU, I'm not sure. I'm not sure if the traditional college education is for me, I've never done particularly outstanding in any class yet, and I know I can, but I just don't have the drive and motivation in the kinds of classroom settings that I've had. There's no way I'll give up on getting my degree, but right now I'm just not sure if I'll stay at ASU, or move to another university, or end up trying some type of vocational college of sorts. But I'm going to start researching that tomorrow as well, trying to figure out what I wanna do. One thing's for sure though, I still am gonna be a cop :D
Then there's the subject of living situation, which ties in with the next subject. I've been living at home with my parents because I'm saving up to buy a house as young as I can so I can have that investment. What better way to save for a house than by not having to pay rent or food! But it's getting frustrating lately when everything I do involves me driving 20 miles south. Going to school. Going to work. Hanging out on Friday nights. I'd save more money by continuing to live at home and just using more gas, than to pay half a thousand a month at least for my own apartment. But it's still annoying. So I'm thinking of getting a studio or a one bedroom in Tempe, or maybe a good part of Mesa or Chandler. If I choose to do criminal justice degree, which they only offer at the ASU West campus, then I might relocate there as well. I don't know though, right now it's just kind of brainstorming.
And finally, you know it's not going to be good when you're cell phone messages consist of your mom saying "Brian, please please please please call my cell phone after you get off work". So I find out my mom's staying at a motel, so I go over there. Problems with the marriage as I suspected, but worse than what I thought. So to make a long story not as long, my parents got into it again but this time my dad ended up threatening my mom and telling her he'd make her lose her job and that he'd break her car so she couldnt go anywhere and that he'd kill her and all that shit. He did infact disable her Jeep, so she started walking, called the cops, they came over, made him make the Jeep work, then told him to go inside while my mom got and took the Jeep. He had been drinking a lot, and combine that with steroid use and that roid rage thing and...yeah. And not only that, but drinking and steroids are a very bad combo, the roids are already taking a toll on your liver, drinking's only going to make it worse. Hence why they recommend never drinking while on cycle. There's so much more that I want to write, but I don't feel like it. It's almost seems unreal, your own parents, this happening. A little part of me just wants to run away in a sense, to move out, switch store locations, and get a new cell number and just let whatever shit happen and not have to deal with it. But that's a coward's way out. So I'll just have to go through this little bump in my life and come out a stronger and smarter person. Right now though, the situation just seems kind of hopeless. My dad loves to show off, he would never sell the house and not sign any divorce papers because of it. If we miss even two payments on the house, they foreclose it, and we'd get screwed out of the actual worth of the house. My mom also has worked her whole life so we could have a nice house and also save for her retirement, and right now it looks like she's gonna just lose most of it. My dad won't agree to sell it and split it with her for a divorce, or otherwise she'll have to move away and not see a penny of anything. She said that she's sure that dad would probably end up stalking her or something and not letting her rest or anything. So weird and just hard to comprehend.
Ever since I got back from San Diego, I had never felt sad or upset or depressed or any hint of any negative emotion. Well except for anger, but hey, you need that! Maybe it was wired into you and everyone, because you can't afford to be sad or crying when you're on the battlefield. People around you will die. You could end up killing people. You had to suck it up and realize it was a part of life. So anyways its a weird feeling right now, part of me just wants to let everything wash over me and be sad and emotional for a while, but I also want to just maintain the dont care shit happens thats life attitude I've had. I think one of my parents deaths would be easier to handle than this, because that would be a sure thing and over with, whereas I don't even have a clue of where to start or confront my dad or my mom or...hah even what to say about the whole situation. I guess it's just hard not being able to control this thing.
So that's my rambling and shit. Feels nice to sort of get it off my chest, even though it just happened.
I guess I'll end this off on a positive note seeing as it is an update and all.
I think I've made a great network of people for the future. My boss has told me repeatedly how he thinks the world of me, how I'm just awesome, and so on about my work. He said he's never in his life at albertsons (14 years yo!) seen a manager do such great work, as well as balance the safe every night. I've had compliments from the store director and grocery manager as well! I got a gift card the other day for my work in saving labor on the front end to make labor for not only the front end but also for the whole store, even when other departments are overspending on labor. So it's great having a bunch of people who are definite references for anything in the future. Now I just have to find a degree that I can excel in just as well and I'll be all set haha!
I sort of wish things could be how they were a couple months ago, but at the same time, you can't go about life with regrets, you just have to take things as they come and be an adult and deal with it.
And I already know this is going to come off with some depressive or angsty tones, I know I won't be able to avoid that, even though I don't really feel like that. But I have no one to talk to at the moment, everyone is sleeping, and I just feel like talking about shit.
So, school's first up I guess. The semester was going fine and dandy until one Monday which I did not make it to any of my three classes. Then Tuesday I only had one class, and seeing as I had already partially taken that class, I decided to skip it as well. By Wednesday I had gotten lazy, and this led on through the week. I did not go to class once that week! I felt guilty at the end of the week, and was going to get back on track and play a little catch up. But then I realized my community service hours for my distributing alcohol to a minor was due the following week, so I had to get that done. Well, doing both school and work, one would have to be sacrificed. Seeing as I work nights, there's not too many options as far as community service, in addition to the consequences if I didn't show up, or called out sick (we only had 3 managers at the time, so there was really no way any of us could call out sick) would most likely result in either a demotion or loss of job. So I skipped a few days of school again to complete that so I wouldn't have a warrant out for my arrest! I started going back to class but by that time I sort of had dug too deep. I missed a bunch of assignments and quizzes, and hadn't kept up with the readings. I actually went and spoke with a counselor and advisor today to discuss my options and what I could do in the future. So I'm going to do a complete withdrawal probably when I wake up. Whether or not I'll continue with my education at ASU, I'm not sure. I'm not sure if the traditional college education is for me, I've never done particularly outstanding in any class yet, and I know I can, but I just don't have the drive and motivation in the kinds of classroom settings that I've had. There's no way I'll give up on getting my degree, but right now I'm just not sure if I'll stay at ASU, or move to another university, or end up trying some type of vocational college of sorts. But I'm going to start researching that tomorrow as well, trying to figure out what I wanna do. One thing's for sure though, I still am gonna be a cop :D
Then there's the subject of living situation, which ties in with the next subject. I've been living at home with my parents because I'm saving up to buy a house as young as I can so I can have that investment. What better way to save for a house than by not having to pay rent or food! But it's getting frustrating lately when everything I do involves me driving 20 miles south. Going to school. Going to work. Hanging out on Friday nights. I'd save more money by continuing to live at home and just using more gas, than to pay half a thousand a month at least for my own apartment. But it's still annoying. So I'm thinking of getting a studio or a one bedroom in Tempe, or maybe a good part of Mesa or Chandler. If I choose to do criminal justice degree, which they only offer at the ASU West campus, then I might relocate there as well. I don't know though, right now it's just kind of brainstorming.
And finally, you know it's not going to be good when you're cell phone messages consist of your mom saying "Brian, please please please please call my cell phone after you get off work". So I find out my mom's staying at a motel, so I go over there. Problems with the marriage as I suspected, but worse than what I thought. So to make a long story not as long, my parents got into it again but this time my dad ended up threatening my mom and telling her he'd make her lose her job and that he'd break her car so she couldnt go anywhere and that he'd kill her and all that shit. He did infact disable her Jeep, so she started walking, called the cops, they came over, made him make the Jeep work, then told him to go inside while my mom got and took the Jeep. He had been drinking a lot, and combine that with steroid use and that roid rage thing and...yeah. And not only that, but drinking and steroids are a very bad combo, the roids are already taking a toll on your liver, drinking's only going to make it worse. Hence why they recommend never drinking while on cycle. There's so much more that I want to write, but I don't feel like it. It's almost seems unreal, your own parents, this happening. A little part of me just wants to run away in a sense, to move out, switch store locations, and get a new cell number and just let whatever shit happen and not have to deal with it. But that's a coward's way out. So I'll just have to go through this little bump in my life and come out a stronger and smarter person. Right now though, the situation just seems kind of hopeless. My dad loves to show off, he would never sell the house and not sign any divorce papers because of it. If we miss even two payments on the house, they foreclose it, and we'd get screwed out of the actual worth of the house. My mom also has worked her whole life so we could have a nice house and also save for her retirement, and right now it looks like she's gonna just lose most of it. My dad won't agree to sell it and split it with her for a divorce, or otherwise she'll have to move away and not see a penny of anything. She said that she's sure that dad would probably end up stalking her or something and not letting her rest or anything. So weird and just hard to comprehend.
Ever since I got back from San Diego, I had never felt sad or upset or depressed or any hint of any negative emotion. Well except for anger, but hey, you need that! Maybe it was wired into you and everyone, because you can't afford to be sad or crying when you're on the battlefield. People around you will die. You could end up killing people. You had to suck it up and realize it was a part of life. So anyways its a weird feeling right now, part of me just wants to let everything wash over me and be sad and emotional for a while, but I also want to just maintain the dont care shit happens thats life attitude I've had. I think one of my parents deaths would be easier to handle than this, because that would be a sure thing and over with, whereas I don't even have a clue of where to start or confront my dad or my mom or...hah even what to say about the whole situation. I guess it's just hard not being able to control this thing.
So that's my rambling and shit. Feels nice to sort of get it off my chest, even though it just happened.
I guess I'll end this off on a positive note seeing as it is an update and all.
I think I've made a great network of people for the future. My boss has told me repeatedly how he thinks the world of me, how I'm just awesome, and so on about my work. He said he's never in his life at albertsons (14 years yo!) seen a manager do such great work, as well as balance the safe every night. I've had compliments from the store director and grocery manager as well! I got a gift card the other day for my work in saving labor on the front end to make labor for not only the front end but also for the whole store, even when other departments are overspending on labor. So it's great having a bunch of people who are definite references for anything in the future. Now I just have to find a degree that I can excel in just as well and I'll be all set haha!