(no subject)
Or Series Title: Rainy Nights
Fandom: Death Note
Culprit Author's Name: Collybear
Full Name (plus titles if any): Constance Baker, codenamed Break
Full Species(es): ubergenius Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): Arriving at Wammy's House: "white blond hair" that had "not been cut in many years, it now hung around her mid thigh very unevenly. Nor had her hair been washed, so she looked more like a brunette then a blond, but it still slightly showed." After being enrolled she gets a trim making her "now obviously blond hair" fall "just past her shoulders." There's a time jump of indeterminate years in which her hair has "darkened till she became a brunette."
Eye Color (include adjectives): Arriving at Wammy's House: "Her eyes were blood shot so badly the green coloring was hardly visible"
Unusual Markings/Colorations: "very under-nourished and small, probably no more than 4”3', 4”5'" (Google searching the phrase "average height of a ten-year-old girl says this height is nothing unusual.)
Special Possessions (if any): Artistic skills that make her, at age ten, able to draw a perfect likeness of people she's seen only momentarily. Develops an obsession with hats that is based on her moods (If she was feeling particularly artsy that day she wore her beret, if she was feeling cool she wore her fedora.)
Annoying Origin: Lived on the streets of Winchester till age ten, when she randomly decides one rainy night to break into Wammy's House. Breaking the cover off the electronic lock and crossing wires is enough for her to gain entry, and Quillsh Wammy allows her in, since she did this in "only a minute," which is enough for him to predict "Yes, you are next in line" instead of handing her over to whatever agency is in charge of child welfare in Winchester and upgrading the lock to Wammy's House to something that can't be broken so easily.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: instant friends with Near. Mello hates her because she instantly knocks him down to third place and in the story he is "always trying to out shine her, but without even trying she would end up out shining him."
Annoying Special Abilities: smarter than everyone, even Near; Near is immediately friends with her, invites her to eat with him, will only have conversations with her, and goes on shopping trips with her.
Other Annoying Traits: She's from the streets, the Suethor's said nothing about her getting any sort of training from anyone or anything, and she's brilliant enough to instantly outdo everyone in Wammy's House, and break everyone's record for times as well? Also, the Suethor pays no respect to all the social problems the character would have, if she'd really spent all her life alone on the streets.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Watari was cut off by the girl snide comment. “I made be a kid but I'm not as dumb as you would think. So stop talking to me like a kid, I understand everything you say perfectly.” She shot at him. He merely smiled and continued. It didn't seam that he was at all shock by the response.
“Well. That only strengthens my beliefs. You seem strong. Now as I said, my name is Watari. The orphanage behind you was constructed by myself to find and train a successor for the detective, L. Only gifted children are accepted here and we believe you to be exceptionally talented. Seeing as the lock you broke cleanly last night can not be broken by most professionals and other children either find a way over the fence, break the lock with an object or don't try at all. Never once has someone confronted the lock that way.
“We would like to offer you a place here. You would be tested to see if you were gifted enough to be L's successor and if not we would put you in normal classes. Normal for Wammy's House that is. Do you accept?” She shrugged and thought for a minute then got up.
“Nothing better to do. Sure, why not?”
Grateful much?
With the past she has, she should not be this well-adjusted.
Quillsh would not be introducing himself as Watari, nor would he give out so much information. Those "reasons" are idiotic.
People who don't know how certain things work shouldn't attempt to explain them so in-depth.
Waiting for her outside in the bland hall was a tall red-head woman. She was wearing an old, plain, black dress and plain apron.
“ 'Ello, muss Break. Miy names Brid't. Oi'm the maide her'. Wa'ari tol' me you migh' need sume cleanin' up. Come! Follow ol' Brid't now.” Bridget held out her hand to Break and took it gratefully. She was lead down many diffrent halls, the next one just the as the last. Some lined with class room doors or dorms. The whole time they walked Bridget went on and on, talking senselessly in her thick accent that Break couldn't quite place. She was finally taken it to a large bathroom were there were individual large stalls with bathtub.
“Well, they work like you'r' avera'e tub. 'Ere's shampoo an' soap in 'dere foe ya. Get clean an' then we'll deal wif' dat' hair of yours.”
You know, it's perfectly alright to say the maid spoke with a heavy accent and not attempt to write in said accent. This seems another instance of Less Is More.
For some reason, Wammy's House doesn't seem the type of place to have maids, IMO.
“Today I'm going to give you the test I was warning you about. Break, I know you didn't get to study for this but please try.” Break nodded and grabbed a pen off the top of the desk. As Near had said everything was provided.
The papers were distributed and Break slid down on to the floor. She read the test over once. It was more of a philosophic test rather than logic but it could work as both.
It consisted of a drawing of a stool and the words, “Prove to me that stool does not exist. Use as many words as you would like.” This was simple. She wrote two words on the page and walked to the front to hand it in.
“Done already?” Miss. V asked as the paper was slipped on to her desk, next to her apple. Break nodded and turned to walk away. “Break stay here. I want to look over your answer with you.” She turned back and stood in front of the desk. The teacher looked down at the paper and read the two words written on it She then took a pen and put in the upper left corner 100.
“Nice answer, 'What stool?'. Full marks.” It was whispered but someone still heard unfortunately that someone was Mello. As she walked past his desk to her own seat he spot out at her, “Don't think it's that easy to win. I will bet you.”
I am astounded by the sheer brilliance. Truly.
“Well Near, I see you got your stupid little toy and what a surprise! Break went shopping, that's unusual.” Mello snickered sarcastically. Break liked to shop! Most girls do, what's wrong with that!? Break eyed Matt, standing back nervously, trying not to get involved. He noticed her glare and shrugged. Nice to know she could count on him.
“Nice to see you Mello, but we must be going.” Break urged, grabbing Near by the arm an pulling him past the arrogant blond. She mumbled something angry sounding as she past Matt and he rolled his eyes at her.
“Running away now, are we Break?” She stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face the stupid boy that had just unknowingly challenged her. His face was smug and evil looking, Break imagined she looked much like that at this point.
“Heh! Run!? You should be right now. I've put up with it till now, but today, I snap.”, she started storming towards Mello, her small shape didn't look threating compared to Mello's. “You have hated me ever since the first day. With no reason at all! Now you pick on me and my best friend ruthlessly! Have you no shame!?” Matt had dropped the game he had just bought and his mouth was hanging open, Near was wide eyed with surprise that the normally calm Break would start such a yelling match. Mello was just scared. Despite being over a foot taller than her and having more of a reputation for being the tough guy, he was scared shitless of this little girl. She could be very menacing when she wanted to be.
“I... well... SHUT UP!” He yelled at the pissed off little girl in front of him. Not a second later he fell forward with a scream of pain. Reveled from behind him was Near, his foot was hovering in the air were the back of Mello's knee had been a minute ago."
Along with people needing to not go in-depth on subjects they know next to nothing about, people shouldn't write fanfiction if they can't even halfway grasp characterization of the characters they're using.
The Suethor ends things claiming it's a cliffhanger ending instead of admitting they barely had any plot the last seven chapters and no doubt had run out of ideas.
- crossposted to marysues
Fandom: Death Note
Culprit Author's Name: Collybear
Full Name (plus titles if any): Constance Baker, codenamed Break
Full Species(es): ubergenius Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): Arriving at Wammy's House: "white blond hair" that had "not been cut in many years, it now hung around her mid thigh very unevenly. Nor had her hair been washed, so she looked more like a brunette then a blond, but it still slightly showed." After being enrolled she gets a trim making her "now obviously blond hair" fall "just past her shoulders." There's a time jump of indeterminate years in which her hair has "darkened till she became a brunette."
Eye Color (include adjectives): Arriving at Wammy's House: "Her eyes were blood shot so badly the green coloring was hardly visible"
Unusual Markings/Colorations: "very under-nourished and small, probably no more than 4”3', 4”5'" (Google searching the phrase "average height of a ten-year-old girl says this height is nothing unusual.)
Special Possessions (if any): Artistic skills that make her, at age ten, able to draw a perfect likeness of people she's seen only momentarily. Develops an obsession with hats that is based on her moods (If she was feeling particularly artsy that day she wore her beret, if she was feeling cool she wore her fedora.)
Annoying Origin: Lived on the streets of Winchester till age ten, when she randomly decides one rainy night to break into Wammy's House. Breaking the cover off the electronic lock and crossing wires is enough for her to gain entry, and Quillsh Wammy allows her in, since she did this in "only a minute," which is enough for him to predict "Yes, you are next in line" instead of handing her over to whatever agency is in charge of child welfare in Winchester and upgrading the lock to Wammy's House to something that can't be broken so easily.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: instant friends with Near. Mello hates her because she instantly knocks him down to third place and in the story he is "always trying to out shine her, but without even trying she would end up out shining him."
Annoying Special Abilities: smarter than everyone, even Near; Near is immediately friends with her, invites her to eat with him, will only have conversations with her, and goes on shopping trips with her.
Other Annoying Traits: She's from the streets, the Suethor's said nothing about her getting any sort of training from anyone or anything, and she's brilliant enough to instantly outdo everyone in Wammy's House, and break everyone's record for times as well? Also, the Suethor pays no respect to all the social problems the character would have, if she'd really spent all her life alone on the streets.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Watari was cut off by the girl snide comment. “I made be a kid but I'm not as dumb as you would think. So stop talking to me like a kid, I understand everything you say perfectly.” She shot at him. He merely smiled and continued. It didn't seam that he was at all shock by the response.
“Well. That only strengthens my beliefs. You seem strong. Now as I said, my name is Watari. The orphanage behind you was constructed by myself to find and train a successor for the detective, L. Only gifted children are accepted here and we believe you to be exceptionally talented. Seeing as the lock you broke cleanly last night can not be broken by most professionals and other children either find a way over the fence, break the lock with an object or don't try at all. Never once has someone confronted the lock that way.
“We would like to offer you a place here. You would be tested to see if you were gifted enough to be L's successor and if not we would put you in normal classes. Normal for Wammy's House that is. Do you accept?” She shrugged and thought for a minute then got up.
“Nothing better to do. Sure, why not?”
Grateful much?
With the past she has, she should not be this well-adjusted.
Quillsh would not be introducing himself as Watari, nor would he give out so much information. Those "reasons" are idiotic.
People who don't know how certain things work shouldn't attempt to explain them so in-depth.
Waiting for her outside in the bland hall was a tall red-head woman. She was wearing an old, plain, black dress and plain apron.
“ 'Ello, muss Break. Miy names Brid't. Oi'm the maide her'. Wa'ari tol' me you migh' need sume cleanin' up. Come! Follow ol' Brid't now.” Bridget held out her hand to Break and took it gratefully. She was lead down many diffrent halls, the next one just the as the last. Some lined with class room doors or dorms. The whole time they walked Bridget went on and on, talking senselessly in her thick accent that Break couldn't quite place. She was finally taken it to a large bathroom were there were individual large stalls with bathtub.
“Well, they work like you'r' avera'e tub. 'Ere's shampoo an' soap in 'dere foe ya. Get clean an' then we'll deal wif' dat' hair of yours.”
You know, it's perfectly alright to say the maid spoke with a heavy accent and not attempt to write in said accent. This seems another instance of Less Is More.
For some reason, Wammy's House doesn't seem the type of place to have maids, IMO.
“Today I'm going to give you the test I was warning you about. Break, I know you didn't get to study for this but please try.” Break nodded and grabbed a pen off the top of the desk. As Near had said everything was provided.
The papers were distributed and Break slid down on to the floor. She read the test over once. It was more of a philosophic test rather than logic but it could work as both.
It consisted of a drawing of a stool and the words, “Prove to me that stool does not exist. Use as many words as you would like.” This was simple. She wrote two words on the page and walked to the front to hand it in.
“Done already?” Miss. V asked as the paper was slipped on to her desk, next to her apple. Break nodded and turned to walk away. “Break stay here. I want to look over your answer with you.” She turned back and stood in front of the desk. The teacher looked down at the paper and read the two words written on it She then took a pen and put in the upper left corner 100.
“Nice answer, 'What stool?'. Full marks.” It was whispered but someone still heard unfortunately that someone was Mello. As she walked past his desk to her own seat he spot out at her, “Don't think it's that easy to win. I will bet you.”
I am astounded by the sheer brilliance. Truly.
“Well Near, I see you got your stupid little toy and what a surprise! Break went shopping, that's unusual.” Mello snickered sarcastically. Break liked to shop! Most girls do, what's wrong with that!? Break eyed Matt, standing back nervously, trying not to get involved. He noticed her glare and shrugged. Nice to know she could count on him.
“Nice to see you Mello, but we must be going.” Break urged, grabbing Near by the arm an pulling him past the arrogant blond. She mumbled something angry sounding as she past Matt and he rolled his eyes at her.
“Running away now, are we Break?” She stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face the stupid boy that had just unknowingly challenged her. His face was smug and evil looking, Break imagined she looked much like that at this point.
“Heh! Run!? You should be right now. I've put up with it till now, but today, I snap.”, she started storming towards Mello, her small shape didn't look threating compared to Mello's. “You have hated me ever since the first day. With no reason at all! Now you pick on me and my best friend ruthlessly! Have you no shame!?” Matt had dropped the game he had just bought and his mouth was hanging open, Near was wide eyed with surprise that the normally calm Break would start such a yelling match. Mello was just scared. Despite being over a foot taller than her and having more of a reputation for being the tough guy, he was scared shitless of this little girl. She could be very menacing when she wanted to be.
“I... well... SHUT UP!” He yelled at the pissed off little girl in front of him. Not a second later he fell forward with a scream of pain. Reveled from behind him was Near, his foot was hovering in the air were the back of Mello's knee had been a minute ago."
Along with people needing to not go in-depth on subjects they know next to nothing about, people shouldn't write fanfiction if they can't even halfway grasp characterization of the characters they're using.
The Suethor ends things claiming it's a cliffhanger ending instead of admitting they barely had any plot the last seven chapters and no doubt had run out of ideas.
- crossposted to marysues