....And I can't find my way home.
I have done a lot of changing. I'm not good with that thing, change. No, no. I read back over my other posts here at LJ and I have no idea who that person is. And I'm ok with that. I totally understand that people change, that everything MUST change... This is the way. We change in tiny little ways over long periods of time as our goals, perspective, friends, life changes. We can do a lot of changing in a split second when something either terrible or terribly wonderful happens. So, in short, I get it. People change.
What I'm noticing these days is not change, it's a disappearance. There are certain aspects of my personality that have gone missing. Almost like a hole was made in my and something reached in and pulled some pretty necessary and kick ass parts of Kristy right out. My ability to DEAL is persona non grata. I feel like everyday is a stumble-a-thon; I aimlessly plunder forward with no conviction, no aim, no umph. It's almost robotic or dreamlike sometimes. I rarely have a sense of accomplishment, and if I do, it's very fleeting. I can't seem to hold onto it. I guess this is something that many people experience, and no I do not think I am depressed. At least I don't think so. After all the therapy I've had, I know it doesn't always work to self diagnose, but I just really don't feel depressed.
And my umph? That's not really what is concerning me. It is my total and utter lack of confidence. I have no self-esteem to speak of and that makes me feel like I'm disappearing. I asked my husband last night if he noticed that I was lacking it, and he agreed. I am basically just not the girl I used to be. I could go on and on.... I used to not care what people thought about me, now I'm consumed with it. I use to have control of my emotions, not they run me. I use to have friends on top of friends, now, well not so much. Granted my bestie moved to ATL and my other bestie just moved here from TX and she's still unpacking so reconnecting has been a treat, and a task, but I feel disconnected from them, too.
I've gained weight. I don't feel sexy, I don't feel attractive and well, I just feel like a blob. I just turned 40. Yup. There is that. And I have lost friends in a way that was either confusing or confounding. Brian and I spoke a lot about those friendships last night because he knows how much my friends mean to me. But lately, especially since I lost those "friends" he says I've changed, and I feel that I have. I'm more guarded, again, my confidence is low and I'm affected. I find the ability to make news friends is foreign to me. I'm awkward and well, awkward. I feel like I don't know who I'm introducing them to and then I'm afraid they won't like me. I have never worried about this ever in my life. Where are my balls? Where is my confidence? I have bitched out drag queens in their own dressing rooms, I have barked at a man to get his attention, I have danced like no one was watching for years of my life!!!!!!!! But.... where am I?
I know it's in here. We change but I don't believe we loose inherent parts of our personality. I feel it at times. When I'm with Brian, when I'm by myself. But I can't keep it. I have written this out and I still don't think I have properly explained myself. And I sooo feel like whining about this makes me seem ungrateful for the things I do have. I have an amazing husband, a wonderful dog, I live in a great place and my job while mostly annoying, is at the most spectacular place I have ever worked for. I thank God for all those things daily. But I miss mySELF. I miss me.
What I'm noticing these days is not change, it's a disappearance. There are certain aspects of my personality that have gone missing. Almost like a hole was made in my and something reached in and pulled some pretty necessary and kick ass parts of Kristy right out. My ability to DEAL is persona non grata. I feel like everyday is a stumble-a-thon; I aimlessly plunder forward with no conviction, no aim, no umph. It's almost robotic or dreamlike sometimes. I rarely have a sense of accomplishment, and if I do, it's very fleeting. I can't seem to hold onto it. I guess this is something that many people experience, and no I do not think I am depressed. At least I don't think so. After all the therapy I've had, I know it doesn't always work to self diagnose, but I just really don't feel depressed.
And my umph? That's not really what is concerning me. It is my total and utter lack of confidence. I have no self-esteem to speak of and that makes me feel like I'm disappearing. I asked my husband last night if he noticed that I was lacking it, and he agreed. I am basically just not the girl I used to be. I could go on and on.... I used to not care what people thought about me, now I'm consumed with it. I use to have control of my emotions, not they run me. I use to have friends on top of friends, now, well not so much. Granted my bestie moved to ATL and my other bestie just moved here from TX and she's still unpacking so reconnecting has been a treat, and a task, but I feel disconnected from them, too.
I've gained weight. I don't feel sexy, I don't feel attractive and well, I just feel like a blob. I just turned 40. Yup. There is that. And I have lost friends in a way that was either confusing or confounding. Brian and I spoke a lot about those friendships last night because he knows how much my friends mean to me. But lately, especially since I lost those "friends" he says I've changed, and I feel that I have. I'm more guarded, again, my confidence is low and I'm affected. I find the ability to make news friends is foreign to me. I'm awkward and well, awkward. I feel like I don't know who I'm introducing them to and then I'm afraid they won't like me. I have never worried about this ever in my life. Where are my balls? Where is my confidence? I have bitched out drag queens in their own dressing rooms, I have barked at a man to get his attention, I have danced like no one was watching for years of my life!!!!!!!! But.... where am I?
I know it's in here. We change but I don't believe we loose inherent parts of our personality. I feel it at times. When I'm with Brian, when I'm by myself. But I can't keep it. I have written this out and I still don't think I have properly explained myself. And I sooo feel like whining about this makes me seem ungrateful for the things I do have. I have an amazing husband, a wonderful dog, I live in a great place and my job while mostly annoying, is at the most spectacular place I have ever worked for. I thank God for all those things daily. But I miss mySELF. I miss me.