....
Really hope I can actually sleep tonight. Don't feel like staying up all night, thinking as usual. I am so sick of feeling so alone all the time. And listening to him snoring next to me isn't helping. I hate how he can be right next to me, yet I still feel like I'm by myself. Just another day...of me feeling sad, stressed, alone, and trapped. Then he gets home, and the extent of our interaction has been hearing about his sex dreams which didn't involve me, him grabbing my boob a few times, and him saying a few sentences to me. I am fucking suffocating. I would love so much to be able to hop in a car a just drive somewhere. Then I would still be alone, but in a different setting at least. I hate knowing that tomorrow will be the same.
I hate feeling like nothing will ever get better, and knowing it'll probably get worse at some point.
Everything is below mediocre. & it gets harder and harder to try finding comfort in this 'illusion' of what I want this all to be. Truth is my day to day sucks. I have nothing that truly keeps me going, just the fact that I know I have to. Our money situation sucks, and I'm always made to feel like that's my fault, even though if he would just quit fucking up we wouldn't be as desperate as we are right now. But can't tell him that. CUS IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO I DON'T HAVE A JOB. Not the fact the he pissed away $20,000.....that we could of actually started a fucking life with. Not the fact that he barely actually works his 40 hrs. Not the fact that yet again, he blew money we didn't really have on Earthdance. Forget about how he didn't seem to give a fuck to help me get back on the road when we actually had the money to do so...now it's nearly impossible for me to find work when I can't drive...but that's still my fault, and another thing to pile on my shoulders and make me feel like crap everyday.
Our relationship is usually a daily let down, and I don't think I'll ever really get what I need out of it. But that's just another thing he'll never understand.....& I'm somehow always in the wrong anytime I attempt to bring up an issue or open up about what could be done to help me feel differently. I'm just never pleased.
I just have to live with this. Just as it is cus it's all it'll ever be. I have to accept the fact that I am someone who always strives for more, better and improvement...and I married someone who half asses everything and does the bare minimum in all aspects of his life. & I feel like this is all just sucking the motivation out of me. I just want to say fuck it. Why should I try?
I am not satisfied with my life right now. But who gives a fuck about that? I'll wake up tomorrow, and do my usual while feeling the usual. I'll fight back my tears and urge to scream and throw things and run away. I'll urgently wait for bedtime so I can try to sleep, yet fight it for hours cus I'm too damn depressed to even do that. & that's probably the only time I really feel content lately. I hate being awake. I hate being stuck here all the time. I hate being ignored. I hate being alone. I hate what I've let my life become. I hate that I don't have a single person who genuinely cares about my feelings...not even my husband. Although if I told him that he'd scream and yell at me, maybe push me around a little, telling me how HE DOES...then he'd get lost in fb or xbox world until it's time to shove his hands down my pants. Fuck it. Good thing I am trapped in this damn apartment. I'd probably take any dose of freedom or attention and run with it, right now. I have been in survival mode far too long. My life hasn't been about LIVING since I was 9 years old....just staying alive. making sure I make it til tomorrow, even though tomorrow always seems to suck. Guess I should try this sleep thing again. I feel so damn alone. fuck.
I hate feeling like nothing will ever get better, and knowing it'll probably get worse at some point.
Everything is below mediocre. & it gets harder and harder to try finding comfort in this 'illusion' of what I want this all to be. Truth is my day to day sucks. I have nothing that truly keeps me going, just the fact that I know I have to. Our money situation sucks, and I'm always made to feel like that's my fault, even though if he would just quit fucking up we wouldn't be as desperate as we are right now. But can't tell him that. CUS IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO I DON'T HAVE A JOB. Not the fact the he pissed away $20,000.....that we could of actually started a fucking life with. Not the fact that he barely actually works his 40 hrs. Not the fact that yet again, he blew money we didn't really have on Earthdance. Forget about how he didn't seem to give a fuck to help me get back on the road when we actually had the money to do so...now it's nearly impossible for me to find work when I can't drive...but that's still my fault, and another thing to pile on my shoulders and make me feel like crap everyday.
Our relationship is usually a daily let down, and I don't think I'll ever really get what I need out of it. But that's just another thing he'll never understand.....& I'm somehow always in the wrong anytime I attempt to bring up an issue or open up about what could be done to help me feel differently. I'm just never pleased.
I just have to live with this. Just as it is cus it's all it'll ever be. I have to accept the fact that I am someone who always strives for more, better and improvement...and I married someone who half asses everything and does the bare minimum in all aspects of his life. & I feel like this is all just sucking the motivation out of me. I just want to say fuck it. Why should I try?
I am not satisfied with my life right now. But who gives a fuck about that? I'll wake up tomorrow, and do my usual while feeling the usual. I'll fight back my tears and urge to scream and throw things and run away. I'll urgently wait for bedtime so I can try to sleep, yet fight it for hours cus I'm too damn depressed to even do that. & that's probably the only time I really feel content lately. I hate being awake. I hate being stuck here all the time. I hate being ignored. I hate being alone. I hate what I've let my life become. I hate that I don't have a single person who genuinely cares about my feelings...not even my husband. Although if I told him that he'd scream and yell at me, maybe push me around a little, telling me how HE DOES...then he'd get lost in fb or xbox world until it's time to shove his hands down my pants. Fuck it. Good thing I am trapped in this damn apartment. I'd probably take any dose of freedom or attention and run with it, right now. I have been in survival mode far too long. My life hasn't been about LIVING since I was 9 years old....just staying alive. making sure I make it til tomorrow, even though tomorrow always seems to suck. Guess I should try this sleep thing again. I feel so damn alone. fuck.