Burden
How will I ever get your words to quite repeating in my head?
Why would I want to? That's how you really feel...that's what you think of me....that's what I am to you...
Just burning a hole in your pocket.
How quickly can I get the fuck away?
Or am I really so stupid that I will actually marry someone who simply feels like they have to? Will I really marry someone who already feels like I'm nothing but a burden....just so he can dump me here soon...
Or wait. there's no ring on my finger..that's right.
He doesn't want to spend his life with someone like me. Why would he? Even I can look past my faults and know I have good qualities....he doesn't see that. He's my savior. Swept up some trash as decided to keep it as a good deed or something. He doesn't see me as anything special. He doesn't feel lucky to have me.
Do I deserve to have anyone feel lucky to have me in their life? Or is he right? Fuck fuck fuck. Can't stand feeling like this. Don't know how to deal. All I've been able to think about for the past 4 days is watching my flesh spread apart....I'm pissed that I can't....I'm pissed that I still have that urge,after all these years. How do normal people deal with feeling like this?
Only solutions I can think of....drugs...blade....puke....starve...run...die...None of which I can do.
Past the point of sucking it up and blocking it out....
I miss feeling special. I miss being treated like a queen.
What if I could go back? Never meet him. Maybe thing's would be better.
The other night...I had a dream-more like a nightmare,about the wedding. I seriously think I had a panic attack while I was sleeping. I kept waking up not able to breath.
In the dream,My mom showed up. Nothing was right. I was running late. I had forgotten about all kinds of details.
Maybe it's a sign.
This probably was never even what he actually wanted. Guarantee he only asked because his parents talked him into it....Must be so they don't have to kiss another baby mama's ass to see their grandkid...cus Lord knows I'm not actually what they want for their son. I'm no where near good enough.
I don't want to live a fake ass life with someone who doesn't think the world of me. Doesn't even think shit of me.
Makes me wonder....He was so damn in love with Auvie. Lord knows she has even more issues than me. Bet he never said this kinda shit to her. Bet he always made her feel special and wanted. He still thinks about her. Watches her porn. Even she, was more worthy than Me.
If I was a miserable person, this would probably be the time I start reaching out for others to help make me feel a little better about myself. It'd be nice to hear someone, anyone, say nice things to me. It'd be even better if my 'fiance' said them.
Or atleast said more nice things than mean things.
Wait, that's right. I AM a miserable person.
I wish I could take my boys and just go far,far away. Where would we go? What WOULD I do if we split? Completely fail my children. Pretty much. That's my option.
In all actuality....I would probably have to just shack up with some dude who'd be willing to help me out. How pathetic my life has become. But that would be my only option pretty much...either that or leave the kids with their dads and jump off a fucking bridge. As tempting as that sounds, No way I can do that. Love my babies too much, and I know, that as useless as others make me feel...my babies need me. They need me to grow up into good,strong men.
Fuck my life. I wish the Cancer had killed me. Would have saved me from alot of pain.
Why would I want to? That's how you really feel...that's what you think of me....that's what I am to you...
Just burning a hole in your pocket.
How quickly can I get the fuck away?
Or am I really so stupid that I will actually marry someone who simply feels like they have to? Will I really marry someone who already feels like I'm nothing but a burden....just so he can dump me here soon...
Or wait. there's no ring on my finger..that's right.
He doesn't want to spend his life with someone like me. Why would he? Even I can look past my faults and know I have good qualities....he doesn't see that. He's my savior. Swept up some trash as decided to keep it as a good deed or something. He doesn't see me as anything special. He doesn't feel lucky to have me.
Do I deserve to have anyone feel lucky to have me in their life? Or is he right? Fuck fuck fuck. Can't stand feeling like this. Don't know how to deal. All I've been able to think about for the past 4 days is watching my flesh spread apart....I'm pissed that I can't....I'm pissed that I still have that urge,after all these years. How do normal people deal with feeling like this?
Only solutions I can think of....drugs...blade....puke....starve...run...die...None of which I can do.
Past the point of sucking it up and blocking it out....
I miss feeling special. I miss being treated like a queen.
What if I could go back? Never meet him. Maybe thing's would be better.
The other night...I had a dream-more like a nightmare,about the wedding. I seriously think I had a panic attack while I was sleeping. I kept waking up not able to breath.
In the dream,My mom showed up. Nothing was right. I was running late. I had forgotten about all kinds of details.
Maybe it's a sign.
This probably was never even what he actually wanted. Guarantee he only asked because his parents talked him into it....Must be so they don't have to kiss another baby mama's ass to see their grandkid...cus Lord knows I'm not actually what they want for their son. I'm no where near good enough.
I don't want to live a fake ass life with someone who doesn't think the world of me. Doesn't even think shit of me.
Makes me wonder....He was so damn in love with Auvie. Lord knows she has even more issues than me. Bet he never said this kinda shit to her. Bet he always made her feel special and wanted. He still thinks about her. Watches her porn. Even she, was more worthy than Me.
If I was a miserable person, this would probably be the time I start reaching out for others to help make me feel a little better about myself. It'd be nice to hear someone, anyone, say nice things to me. It'd be even better if my 'fiance' said them.
Or atleast said more nice things than mean things.
Wait, that's right. I AM a miserable person.
I wish I could take my boys and just go far,far away. Where would we go? What WOULD I do if we split? Completely fail my children. Pretty much. That's my option.
In all actuality....I would probably have to just shack up with some dude who'd be willing to help me out. How pathetic my life has become. But that would be my only option pretty much...either that or leave the kids with their dads and jump off a fucking bridge. As tempting as that sounds, No way I can do that. Love my babies too much, and I know, that as useless as others make me feel...my babies need me. They need me to grow up into good,strong men.
Fuck my life. I wish the Cancer had killed me. Would have saved me from alot of pain.