Another Case of Mandemonioum
Something strange is happening tonight.
It's a Friday night and I'm sitting at home alone, watching TV, playing with my scrapbooks and messing around online (that's not the strange). I'm doing a lot of thinking about things that have been going on in my life and changes that have been happening (again, not the strange). Suddenly, my phone dings (text message) and my computer bings twice (two instant messages). All boys. All cute younger guys who know how to use their words to flatter a pretty girl. I start answering the messages. My two computer friends start showering me with unwarranted flatter.
"It should be a crime for a beautiful chick to be at home on a Friday night" says one. The other one surprises me with an out of the blue "you are so hot". I'm baffled. I'm not sure where either of those comments came from and I'm stumped at how to respond.
But that's not the strangest part. There is a little part of me that's wishing that my text message would come back with a request to go out this weekend. And at the same time, there's a part of me that wants to turn off the computer and phone and revert back to the quiet of my boy-free bedroom.
I'm confused.
I'm not really sure how I feel about the text message. I'm not sure how I feel about the instant messages. I'm not sure how I feel about E and I'm not sure how I feel about guys in general. I'm not even sure how I feel about myself anymore.
I want to let go and move on from my heartbreak over E. And yet, I feel like I'm betraying my heart and giving up on my fairy tale by doing so. Was I wrong? Did my heart betray me? And if so, why do I have such a problem turning the tables on it?
And if I do move on, am I ready to try dating again? Dating means taking a chance on someone and am I ready for that yet? I want to say yes, I'm ready to move forward and try someone else, but I'm still hesitant. Is it my feeling for E that holds me back, or fear of being disappointed again? Or is it just me knowing that this isn't the right person, like with Brightside?
The text message never returns and one of my instant messages confesses his incredible attraction to me. I'm not sure what to do or how to feel. Should I be disappointed that the text message didn't come back? Am I disappointed? I'm not sure. And what about my sweet friend on the other end of the instant message? How do I give him the same lines that E has been feeding me without causing him the disappointment I know it brings? It's like Kool-Aid all over again. All through college he watched me date the wrong guys, all the while secretly hoping to get his chance. And despite the fact that he would have treated me with the respect that no other guy has felt necessary, I couldn't bring myself to see him for anything more than my favorite brother-type figure. I've always loved him dearly, but I've never been in love with him. And now I find myself faced with the same disaster.
Is this one of those times when I should learn from my mistake and try a different solution? There is the added problem of age. I RARELY date guys who are even a year or two younger, and now we're talking much, much younger. While I have no problem dating a man who is ten years my senior, I cannot fathom flowing the other way. Guess I'll never be a Cougar in my later years, that's for sure.
I wish I knew what to do. I'm not even sure I'm ready to date yet and suddenly I find myself overwhelmed. Why does it have to be so hard? I don't like being hurt and disappointed and I don't like doing the hurting and disappointing. I'll cry just as much tonight as I would if the tables had been turned.
I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to wait for calls that never come and reject the ones that do. I don't want to wonder what's going to happen next, or worry that I'm going to make a big mistake in choosing this or that. I don't want to pine after E anymore, but I don't want to move on either.
I wish I could erase the dating history and not have to move forward to make more. I just want to run away.
Maybe there is some kind of Christian Convent I can join....
It's a Friday night and I'm sitting at home alone, watching TV, playing with my scrapbooks and messing around online (that's not the strange). I'm doing a lot of thinking about things that have been going on in my life and changes that have been happening (again, not the strange). Suddenly, my phone dings (text message) and my computer bings twice (two instant messages). All boys. All cute younger guys who know how to use their words to flatter a pretty girl. I start answering the messages. My two computer friends start showering me with unwarranted flatter.
"It should be a crime for a beautiful chick to be at home on a Friday night" says one. The other one surprises me with an out of the blue "you are so hot". I'm baffled. I'm not sure where either of those comments came from and I'm stumped at how to respond.
But that's not the strangest part. There is a little part of me that's wishing that my text message would come back with a request to go out this weekend. And at the same time, there's a part of me that wants to turn off the computer and phone and revert back to the quiet of my boy-free bedroom.
I'm confused.
I'm not really sure how I feel about the text message. I'm not sure how I feel about the instant messages. I'm not sure how I feel about E and I'm not sure how I feel about guys in general. I'm not even sure how I feel about myself anymore.
I want to let go and move on from my heartbreak over E. And yet, I feel like I'm betraying my heart and giving up on my fairy tale by doing so. Was I wrong? Did my heart betray me? And if so, why do I have such a problem turning the tables on it?
And if I do move on, am I ready to try dating again? Dating means taking a chance on someone and am I ready for that yet? I want to say yes, I'm ready to move forward and try someone else, but I'm still hesitant. Is it my feeling for E that holds me back, or fear of being disappointed again? Or is it just me knowing that this isn't the right person, like with Brightside?
The text message never returns and one of my instant messages confesses his incredible attraction to me. I'm not sure what to do or how to feel. Should I be disappointed that the text message didn't come back? Am I disappointed? I'm not sure. And what about my sweet friend on the other end of the instant message? How do I give him the same lines that E has been feeding me without causing him the disappointment I know it brings? It's like Kool-Aid all over again. All through college he watched me date the wrong guys, all the while secretly hoping to get his chance. And despite the fact that he would have treated me with the respect that no other guy has felt necessary, I couldn't bring myself to see him for anything more than my favorite brother-type figure. I've always loved him dearly, but I've never been in love with him. And now I find myself faced with the same disaster.
Is this one of those times when I should learn from my mistake and try a different solution? There is the added problem of age. I RARELY date guys who are even a year or two younger, and now we're talking much, much younger. While I have no problem dating a man who is ten years my senior, I cannot fathom flowing the other way. Guess I'll never be a Cougar in my later years, that's for sure.
I wish I knew what to do. I'm not even sure I'm ready to date yet and suddenly I find myself overwhelmed. Why does it have to be so hard? I don't like being hurt and disappointed and I don't like doing the hurting and disappointing. I'll cry just as much tonight as I would if the tables had been turned.
I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to wait for calls that never come and reject the ones that do. I don't want to wonder what's going to happen next, or worry that I'm going to make a big mistake in choosing this or that. I don't want to pine after E anymore, but I don't want to move on either.
I wish I could erase the dating history and not have to move forward to make more. I just want to run away.
Maybe there is some kind of Christian Convent I can join....