At the End of the Day, It's Still Just Me.
This morning, I woke up fairly less than gloomy. I actually got ready and out of the house at a decent time and managed to be on time to work. That, added to the fact that it was another abbreviated work day for me, set me up for what appeared to be a very pleasant day.
Then, in the middle of all the work information popping up on my e-mail, I got a message from someone I didn't know. It was some girl in the church singles group and she was sending out an invitation for people to join her to see the new Harry Potter movie.
I've gotten pretty good at ignoring all the e-mails popping up inviting "everyone" to do this activity or that activity. It makes no difference whether or not I'm interested; I can't go because HE is likely to be there and I'm not supposed to be around HIM. Normally, I just delete the messages without reading about the event. But this one caught my eye because I didn't recognize the e-mail address.
The bitch had the nerve to AND him. "The new Harry Potter movie has finally arrived and 'E' and I can't wait to see it..." SHE "AND" HIM IN FRONT OF ME! I know that it was most likely nothing but the jealous, hurt ex-girlfriend side of me couldn't take it.
I started to cry. Again.
I hate him. And now I hate some girl at the church who I don't even know, simply because she innocently linked her name to his with an "and". I hate another girl simply because I "suspect" that she and him have become friendly. I even have reserved feelings for a good friend of mine simply because she is also good friends with him.
I don't like the way I feel about myself whenever I talk to him or am around him. I end up feeling like I'm not good enough, like I'm less than worthy to be loved by anyone, like I'm never going to be able to be anything more than just.....
My couselor has made me frustrated and upset. I thought she was supposed to help, but instead I'm feeling resentful toward her and less inclined to talk. She tells me that I need to be satisfied with myself; be whole and complete just as I am, while I'm still single, before I will be able give anything to anyone else. But I don't get it.
How am I supposed to be "whole" and "complete" when I'm missing something so important to me? How am I supposed to be "satisfied" with being single without resigning myself to the fate? Isn't striving for more or better or "something in your dreams" what it's all about? Isn't that what makes people great, what makes people make a different, and what makes us keep going?
Except I keep getting told that I have to be content. She tells me that I have to be okay if single is what I have to be. She told me that as much as she loves being married, if she was to find herself "single" again, she would be able to be okay with that.
Of course she can say that. Because she's NOT single. Her "what if" is nothing like mine. She's saying "what if my life changes?" and I'm saying "what if mine doesn't?" The answers are infinitely different.
But can I express that to her? No. Because she doesn't really listen. No one does. Grown-ups forget what being a kid is like when childhood is over, working people forget what being hungry is like when they have food everyday, and couples forget what being alone is like when they have each other. Suddenly, they can say things like "it will get better" or "just be patient". It's amazing how you forget how hopeless it feels when you are no longer waiting.
Bleh...I'm out. Dried up and worn down. Now it's time to see if I can coerece the sleep that has eluded me all week to come and take me away from the torment for a few short hours before starting all over again as the morning sunlight breaks forth.
Then, in the middle of all the work information popping up on my e-mail, I got a message from someone I didn't know. It was some girl in the church singles group and she was sending out an invitation for people to join her to see the new Harry Potter movie.
I've gotten pretty good at ignoring all the e-mails popping up inviting "everyone" to do this activity or that activity. It makes no difference whether or not I'm interested; I can't go because HE is likely to be there and I'm not supposed to be around HIM. Normally, I just delete the messages without reading about the event. But this one caught my eye because I didn't recognize the e-mail address.
The bitch had the nerve to AND him. "The new Harry Potter movie has finally arrived and 'E' and I can't wait to see it..." SHE "AND" HIM IN FRONT OF ME! I know that it was most likely nothing but the jealous, hurt ex-girlfriend side of me couldn't take it.
I started to cry. Again.
I hate him. And now I hate some girl at the church who I don't even know, simply because she innocently linked her name to his with an "and". I hate another girl simply because I "suspect" that she and him have become friendly. I even have reserved feelings for a good friend of mine simply because she is also good friends with him.
I don't like the way I feel about myself whenever I talk to him or am around him. I end up feeling like I'm not good enough, like I'm less than worthy to be loved by anyone, like I'm never going to be able to be anything more than just.....
My couselor has made me frustrated and upset. I thought she was supposed to help, but instead I'm feeling resentful toward her and less inclined to talk. She tells me that I need to be satisfied with myself; be whole and complete just as I am, while I'm still single, before I will be able give anything to anyone else. But I don't get it.
How am I supposed to be "whole" and "complete" when I'm missing something so important to me? How am I supposed to be "satisfied" with being single without resigning myself to the fate? Isn't striving for more or better or "something in your dreams" what it's all about? Isn't that what makes people great, what makes people make a different, and what makes us keep going?
Except I keep getting told that I have to be content. She tells me that I have to be okay if single is what I have to be. She told me that as much as she loves being married, if she was to find herself "single" again, she would be able to be okay with that.
Of course she can say that. Because she's NOT single. Her "what if" is nothing like mine. She's saying "what if my life changes?" and I'm saying "what if mine doesn't?" The answers are infinitely different.
But can I express that to her? No. Because she doesn't really listen. No one does. Grown-ups forget what being a kid is like when childhood is over, working people forget what being hungry is like when they have food everyday, and couples forget what being alone is like when they have each other. Suddenly, they can say things like "it will get better" or "just be patient". It's amazing how you forget how hopeless it feels when you are no longer waiting.
Bleh...I'm out. Dried up and worn down. Now it's time to see if I can coerece the sleep that has eluded me all week to come and take me away from the torment for a few short hours before starting all over again as the morning sunlight breaks forth.