The Week of....
I had plans every night this week. From Monday to Saturday, my days were going to be occupied by friends and family. There would be no time for me to sit around and dwell on unhappy thoughts.
On Monday, I needed my friends. I had finally made the request to E to please not include me on his “friends” e-mail lists. It’s the one time I know he will follow my wishes. He only writes when he’s collecting “friends” (or “his girls” as it seems to end up being). I know it was the right thing to do, but it hurt none the less. And I needed someone to encourage and support me. I called my friend who I was supposed to go out with that evening. As usual, some things came up and she had to cancel on me. So, I spent the evening eating cookie dough and watching TV.
Tuesday I moved a little sluggishly. I hadn’t slept all that well, the lingering effects of what my counselor calls “the second hardest stage of grieving” (the giving up hope of a reunion) clouded my mood slightly, and I just wanted a quiet distraction. My Tuesday plans forgot me. So I spent the evening watching a movie and eating pizza.
Today, my Friday plans called and cancelled with me. I’m not needed. So far, in three days, I’ve been ditched three times. I’m on a roll.
And this is why I rarely make confirmed plans. This is why “maybe” is my best answer.
Sometimes I feel a little like a balloon, being passed from one event to another, enjoyed for a moment and then forgotten after being passed to the next person. “Out of sight, out of mind” seems to be my magical power. And then one day, someone accidentally lets go of the string and I float away and no one really notices because they forgot it was their turn to have the brightly colored ball of air around.
Blah, listen to me. I’m just being full of self-pity.
There’s still hope. It seems that my Wednesday plans are still on. I even confirmed this morning, just out of paranoia.
I’m finding it hard to give another chance to people who disappoint me. Thanks to E, I fear that it’s a pattern of behavior rather than an accidental exception. I can identify the distorted thought pattern I’m using and am supposed to be breaking in this line of thinking. I even know the proper name for it. Now, how to avoid punishing others for one man’s selfish mistakes?
I need to knock it off and focus on the other stuff. Like the fact that I took that very difficult step that I had been avoiding (my counselor thinks I still put myself in the role of “victim” in my way of doing it, and I should consider making a more self-confident statement of separation, but she is happy with the direction I am finally moving in). And my Thursday plans won’t be cancelled. If no one else ever does, my grandparents will always look forward to my company. And Saturday plans with the girls is not going to be cancelled. And preparing for that is what’s kept me busy and distracted so far. Focus on that and I’ll be fine…
On Monday, I needed my friends. I had finally made the request to E to please not include me on his “friends” e-mail lists. It’s the one time I know he will follow my wishes. He only writes when he’s collecting “friends” (or “his girls” as it seems to end up being). I know it was the right thing to do, but it hurt none the less. And I needed someone to encourage and support me. I called my friend who I was supposed to go out with that evening. As usual, some things came up and she had to cancel on me. So, I spent the evening eating cookie dough and watching TV.
Tuesday I moved a little sluggishly. I hadn’t slept all that well, the lingering effects of what my counselor calls “the second hardest stage of grieving” (the giving up hope of a reunion) clouded my mood slightly, and I just wanted a quiet distraction. My Tuesday plans forgot me. So I spent the evening watching a movie and eating pizza.
Today, my Friday plans called and cancelled with me. I’m not needed. So far, in three days, I’ve been ditched three times. I’m on a roll.
And this is why I rarely make confirmed plans. This is why “maybe” is my best answer.
Sometimes I feel a little like a balloon, being passed from one event to another, enjoyed for a moment and then forgotten after being passed to the next person. “Out of sight, out of mind” seems to be my magical power. And then one day, someone accidentally lets go of the string and I float away and no one really notices because they forgot it was their turn to have the brightly colored ball of air around.
Blah, listen to me. I’m just being full of self-pity.
There’s still hope. It seems that my Wednesday plans are still on. I even confirmed this morning, just out of paranoia.
I’m finding it hard to give another chance to people who disappoint me. Thanks to E, I fear that it’s a pattern of behavior rather than an accidental exception. I can identify the distorted thought pattern I’m using and am supposed to be breaking in this line of thinking. I even know the proper name for it. Now, how to avoid punishing others for one man’s selfish mistakes?
I need to knock it off and focus on the other stuff. Like the fact that I took that very difficult step that I had been avoiding (my counselor thinks I still put myself in the role of “victim” in my way of doing it, and I should consider making a more self-confident statement of separation, but she is happy with the direction I am finally moving in). And my Thursday plans won’t be cancelled. If no one else ever does, my grandparents will always look forward to my company. And Saturday plans with the girls is not going to be cancelled. And preparing for that is what’s kept me busy and distracted so far. Focus on that and I’ll be fine…