The Great Escape
And I'm breathing....I'm breathing....I'm breathing....
Okay, much better.
Why is it that one day I whine because I can't ever get what I want, and then just when I start to realize that it's not really what I want anyway, then I'm overwhelmed with it? Why can't things just be simple for once. Just once! Is that really too much to ask for?
It seems that hibernation only forces the animals to find me. Maybe I should remember that: Going out and being available = alone and unwanted; Staying in and being introspective = sought and devoured.
Alright, so being devoured is not exactly what I want, but at least it's something. It's attention, right? It's just not attention of the best sorts....
I'm confused to what I'm really looking for. On the one hand, I want E. But he only wants me for my outsides. Except when I want him to take that. Then he thinks he's better than that. The man has a knack for catching me at my most vulnerable moments and taking advantage of it. Knowing how I feel for him, seeing my devotion to him, having lived through the tears I've cried, and he still uses the moment I feel loneliest to satisfy some primal urge. And then next time, he uses the "I don't want you to hate me" bit as a reason to "behave".
And all I want is to be held, cuddled, kissed... I don't even pretend any more that it means something. I'm well aware that it's all about him, all about what he wants, all about his feelings and desires. I'm just taking what I can get.
Yup, healthy. I know.
That's what happened this past weekend. E was my date to my brother's wedding reception on Saturday. We had fun, my family was very nice to him, and he let me stay as long as I wanted. When we got back to his place, he invited me in "to watch a movie or something for a little bit". What he really wanted was to work me up into mauling him and then he could send me on my way. Classy, wouldn't you say?
I felt hurt and upset and used and angry and ended up not going to church the next day. I spent the day hiding in my house with Little Sis.
On Monday, I was still feeling low from the weekend and my mood had progressively gotten worse though out the day until I finally snapped at one of my friends for making a comment about a spelling error. Then cranky Deema went to E's house to watch the finale of 24 (Why, you ask? Simple. I'm a dumb girl who seems to enjoy getting hurt). Nothing good or bad happened there, but I left feeling inadequate and resentful. I called him when I got home (because he requested me to do so) and made him talk to me until I knew I would be able to go to sleep without the voices returning. I'm tired of not knowing how I feel when I'm around him. A relationship with him would be full of drama, possibly the good kind, but definitely the bad kind too.
On the other hand, I just want to be married, have babies, raise a family, do all the simple things. Who cares how I get there, right?
On Monday, I heard from Brightside. Strange, but pleasant. Nice to see his name on my text messages again. I whined to him for a bit about my feelings of relational failure, probably making him feel guilty or something. We made plans to hang out, "get coffee" to be specific, on Thursday.
On Thursday, I showed up at his place and we realized that it was late enough that most coffee shops were no longer open. That's okay, I don't drink coffee anyway. So we wandered around Portland for awhile until we found something sufficient. I noticed that I was feeling unusually calm and unstressed about the whole thing, being that it wasn't a date or anything and there was no pressure to impress, and yet he mentioned that he felt nervous with me. Why?
We stopped dating for a reason. A very good, very practical, very non-negotiable reason. But it seems suddenly, he has forgotten that reason. It seems that in his case, absence really does make the heart grow fonder....or forgetful.
And suddenly, he's offering me a chance to get what I want....as soon as I'm ready to take it. I just have to either change everything I believe, or pretend that arguing is a turn on. But I'd be getting what I wanted, right?
Or would I? Do I want fairy tale or real life? Do I want practical and sensible or do I want quixotic and impulsive? Do I want to be ruled by what makes sense or what makes me feel good? And would I feel good? In either situation, I'm seeing a potential for happiness and a potential for a great deal of pain. Am I actually reacting to my year-long stagnation by running so far in the opposite direction that reason is afraid to follow?
I'm confused and frustrated and confused again.
So, I took a long weekend and drove north to hide out at a friend's house. For four days, I'm free to relax (which is a funny thing to say in a house full of children) and pretend that boys are disposable and unnecessary in my future planning. And at night, after the kids are asleep, I have a completely impartial friend who knows none of the same people I do who is willing to sit and listen objectively to my petty debate. And I see in her eyes that she knows that I already know the answers to my debate. All I'm lacking is courage. And self-confidence.
I wonder how long I can hide up here before my life realizes that I'm not there and the confusion and trouble finds me again. I wonder how long I can hide from myself.
Because for the moment, I can breathe again.
Okay, much better.
Why is it that one day I whine because I can't ever get what I want, and then just when I start to realize that it's not really what I want anyway, then I'm overwhelmed with it? Why can't things just be simple for once. Just once! Is that really too much to ask for?
It seems that hibernation only forces the animals to find me. Maybe I should remember that: Going out and being available = alone and unwanted; Staying in and being introspective = sought and devoured.
Alright, so being devoured is not exactly what I want, but at least it's something. It's attention, right? It's just not attention of the best sorts....
I'm confused to what I'm really looking for. On the one hand, I want E. But he only wants me for my outsides. Except when I want him to take that. Then he thinks he's better than that. The man has a knack for catching me at my most vulnerable moments and taking advantage of it. Knowing how I feel for him, seeing my devotion to him, having lived through the tears I've cried, and he still uses the moment I feel loneliest to satisfy some primal urge. And then next time, he uses the "I don't want you to hate me" bit as a reason to "behave".
And all I want is to be held, cuddled, kissed... I don't even pretend any more that it means something. I'm well aware that it's all about him, all about what he wants, all about his feelings and desires. I'm just taking what I can get.
Yup, healthy. I know.
That's what happened this past weekend. E was my date to my brother's wedding reception on Saturday. We had fun, my family was very nice to him, and he let me stay as long as I wanted. When we got back to his place, he invited me in "to watch a movie or something for a little bit". What he really wanted was to work me up into mauling him and then he could send me on my way. Classy, wouldn't you say?
I felt hurt and upset and used and angry and ended up not going to church the next day. I spent the day hiding in my house with Little Sis.
On Monday, I was still feeling low from the weekend and my mood had progressively gotten worse though out the day until I finally snapped at one of my friends for making a comment about a spelling error. Then cranky Deema went to E's house to watch the finale of 24 (Why, you ask? Simple. I'm a dumb girl who seems to enjoy getting hurt). Nothing good or bad happened there, but I left feeling inadequate and resentful. I called him when I got home (because he requested me to do so) and made him talk to me until I knew I would be able to go to sleep without the voices returning. I'm tired of not knowing how I feel when I'm around him. A relationship with him would be full of drama, possibly the good kind, but definitely the bad kind too.
On the other hand, I just want to be married, have babies, raise a family, do all the simple things. Who cares how I get there, right?
On Monday, I heard from Brightside. Strange, but pleasant. Nice to see his name on my text messages again. I whined to him for a bit about my feelings of relational failure, probably making him feel guilty or something. We made plans to hang out, "get coffee" to be specific, on Thursday.
On Thursday, I showed up at his place and we realized that it was late enough that most coffee shops were no longer open. That's okay, I don't drink coffee anyway. So we wandered around Portland for awhile until we found something sufficient. I noticed that I was feeling unusually calm and unstressed about the whole thing, being that it wasn't a date or anything and there was no pressure to impress, and yet he mentioned that he felt nervous with me. Why?
We stopped dating for a reason. A very good, very practical, very non-negotiable reason. But it seems suddenly, he has forgotten that reason. It seems that in his case, absence really does make the heart grow fonder....or forgetful.
And suddenly, he's offering me a chance to get what I want....as soon as I'm ready to take it. I just have to either change everything I believe, or pretend that arguing is a turn on. But I'd be getting what I wanted, right?
Or would I? Do I want fairy tale or real life? Do I want practical and sensible or do I want quixotic and impulsive? Do I want to be ruled by what makes sense or what makes me feel good? And would I feel good? In either situation, I'm seeing a potential for happiness and a potential for a great deal of pain. Am I actually reacting to my year-long stagnation by running so far in the opposite direction that reason is afraid to follow?
I'm confused and frustrated and confused again.
So, I took a long weekend and drove north to hide out at a friend's house. For four days, I'm free to relax (which is a funny thing to say in a house full of children) and pretend that boys are disposable and unnecessary in my future planning. And at night, after the kids are asleep, I have a completely impartial friend who knows none of the same people I do who is willing to sit and listen objectively to my petty debate. And I see in her eyes that she knows that I already know the answers to my debate. All I'm lacking is courage. And self-confidence.
I wonder how long I can hide up here before my life realizes that I'm not there and the confusion and trouble finds me again. I wonder how long I can hide from myself.
Because for the moment, I can breathe again.