Let Sleeping Deemas Lie....
The sun was out this weekend. It was bright and sunny, cheery and somewhat warm outside.
I opted to remain inside.
It seems that as the world around me embraces spring and anticipates the summer, I'm falling back into a cold winter mood. I've found myself in the last couple of days storing up for an emotional hibernation.
I'm exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, physically....
I'm tired of the highs and lows. I want something middle of the road. I'm tired of the goods and bads. I want something average. I'm tired of complex and complicated. I want simple. I'm tired of magic and melodrama, comedy and tragedy, the pleasure and the pain. I want dull, boring, basic.
Down with the curly-haired Katie-girl! Long live the straight-haired Simple-girl! All my sympathies to Hubble....
There is a constant battle going on in my soul. There is a struggle between my deepest desires, my simplest needs, my idealistic hopes and my far-fetched dreams.
Where is my quiet place? Where can I find that one place where I can just be quiet and content, free from drama, where I don't have to be ready to fight for every thought that I have or defend every position I take? Where can I just be safe to be me, good and bad, right and wrong, wise and naive, young and old, free and protected, without fear of judgment or loss?
And then, as if I'm not spaz-tic and confused enough: information that should be relatively inconsequential to me, told in an off-handed manner as a set up for the real story, stresses my already precarious mood into a tailspin of hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, sadness, and confusion all clouded by the annoyingly accurate feeling that this really shouldn't matter anyway. And I'm left with an overwhelming sense of betrayal and guilt: betrayal by the offender, guilt by the offended.
And all the while, I'm waiting for a phone call. Or e-mail. Or something. Anything to reassure my paranoid mind that it really is all in my head.
Isn't co-dependence such a turn on?
Maybe hibernation isn't such a bad idea. Taking a break, seeking out my quiet place and source of comfort, refreshing my spirit, and refocusing my mind.
The September of my soul has begun. Wake me again in the spring.
Until then....
I opted to remain inside.
It seems that as the world around me embraces spring and anticipates the summer, I'm falling back into a cold winter mood. I've found myself in the last couple of days storing up for an emotional hibernation.
I'm exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, physically....
I'm tired of the highs and lows. I want something middle of the road. I'm tired of the goods and bads. I want something average. I'm tired of complex and complicated. I want simple. I'm tired of magic and melodrama, comedy and tragedy, the pleasure and the pain. I want dull, boring, basic.
Down with the curly-haired Katie-girl! Long live the straight-haired Simple-girl! All my sympathies to Hubble....
There is a constant battle going on in my soul. There is a struggle between my deepest desires, my simplest needs, my idealistic hopes and my far-fetched dreams.
Where is my quiet place? Where can I find that one place where I can just be quiet and content, free from drama, where I don't have to be ready to fight for every thought that I have or defend every position I take? Where can I just be safe to be me, good and bad, right and wrong, wise and naive, young and old, free and protected, without fear of judgment or loss?
And then, as if I'm not spaz-tic and confused enough: information that should be relatively inconsequential to me, told in an off-handed manner as a set up for the real story, stresses my already precarious mood into a tailspin of hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, sadness, and confusion all clouded by the annoyingly accurate feeling that this really shouldn't matter anyway. And I'm left with an overwhelming sense of betrayal and guilt: betrayal by the offender, guilt by the offended.
And all the while, I'm waiting for a phone call. Or e-mail. Or something. Anything to reassure my paranoid mind that it really is all in my head.
Isn't co-dependence such a turn on?
Maybe hibernation isn't such a bad idea. Taking a break, seeking out my quiet place and source of comfort, refreshing my spirit, and refocusing my mind.
The September of my soul has begun. Wake me again in the spring.
Until then....