To Be Or Not To Be....Or Where To Be....Or Who To Be....?
I wonder:
When a person's psyche splits to create alternate personalities within the mind, does the hosting body feel it? Is there a moment when the emotions and thoughts within a person become more than one mind can contain and there is a tangible release as some of the overflow of thoughts and emotions are sifted from one "mind" into another?
How is it possible for one person to feel so completely conflicted and confused? How can you hear the "still small voice of reason" telling you to do two completely different things?
Every action has a consequence. For every yes, there is a no. For every gain, there is a loss. For every option we choose, there is one we reject.
Popular culture tries to convince us that it's possible for us to "have it all". But in reality, it's not. So how does one go about deciding what we want, who we want, and who we want to be?
Security or freedom? laughter or conversation? passion or companionship? to trust or protect? successful but frustrated or happy but nobody? desired or respected? dog or cat? familiar and comfortable or unknown and exciting? 2.3 and picket fence or D.I.N.K. and travel? to rescue or be rescued? to stay or go? head or heart? what you want or what you need?
And what if you realize that you can't make the decision? What if everything in you is telling you that both choices are the right decision and choosing one will make it wrong? What if the decision you WANT to make is not to make one at all?
Perhaps it's the after effects of being sick, but I'm feeling overwhelmed and terrified today. I feel like I'm cracking, unraveling at the seams. I feel like everything I try so hard to keep together is about to ooze all over my office floor and everyone will see me for who I really am: a neurotic and self-conscious train-wreck trying really hard to pretend she's got it all together. (By the way, this would constitute the beginning of a very irrational panic attack)
I can't go back but I'm afraid of going forward. I don't want to repeat past mistakes, but I don't want to risk making new ones. I don't want to continue in what I know, but I don't want to try something different. I feel alone and at the same time suffocated by those who care.
What I really want is to make it all stop. Just hide myself away from everyone and everything. Go to a place where, if the choice is too hard, there is the secret third option of None of the Above.
I want to split myself into three different moments: the moments when I patiently wait, the moments when I actively move, and the moment of now. The very moment that has no past and no future, the moment that just is.
I want to live by Scarlet O'Hara's philosophy: "I'll worry about that tomorrow". But tomorrow always comes too soon...
When a person's psyche splits to create alternate personalities within the mind, does the hosting body feel it? Is there a moment when the emotions and thoughts within a person become more than one mind can contain and there is a tangible release as some of the overflow of thoughts and emotions are sifted from one "mind" into another?
How is it possible for one person to feel so completely conflicted and confused? How can you hear the "still small voice of reason" telling you to do two completely different things?
Every action has a consequence. For every yes, there is a no. For every gain, there is a loss. For every option we choose, there is one we reject.
Popular culture tries to convince us that it's possible for us to "have it all". But in reality, it's not. So how does one go about deciding what we want, who we want, and who we want to be?
Security or freedom? laughter or conversation? passion or companionship? to trust or protect? successful but frustrated or happy but nobody? desired or respected? dog or cat? familiar and comfortable or unknown and exciting? 2.3 and picket fence or D.I.N.K. and travel? to rescue or be rescued? to stay or go? head or heart? what you want or what you need?
And what if you realize that you can't make the decision? What if everything in you is telling you that both choices are the right decision and choosing one will make it wrong? What if the decision you WANT to make is not to make one at all?
Perhaps it's the after effects of being sick, but I'm feeling overwhelmed and terrified today. I feel like I'm cracking, unraveling at the seams. I feel like everything I try so hard to keep together is about to ooze all over my office floor and everyone will see me for who I really am: a neurotic and self-conscious train-wreck trying really hard to pretend she's got it all together. (By the way, this would constitute the beginning of a very irrational panic attack)
I can't go back but I'm afraid of going forward. I don't want to repeat past mistakes, but I don't want to risk making new ones. I don't want to continue in what I know, but I don't want to try something different. I feel alone and at the same time suffocated by those who care.
What I really want is to make it all stop. Just hide myself away from everyone and everything. Go to a place where, if the choice is too hard, there is the secret third option of None of the Above.
I want to split myself into three different moments: the moments when I patiently wait, the moments when I actively move, and the moment of now. The very moment that has no past and no future, the moment that just is.
I want to live by Scarlet O'Hara's philosophy: "I'll worry about that tomorrow". But tomorrow always comes too soon...