Looking Up To See the Bottom
I have the attention span of a three-year-old today. But even a mild case of ADD isn't enough to distract me from thinking of that which I no longer wish to think about. It seems that's the only thing that my mind is content to settle on.
How do I go about filling my time and thoughts with other things? How do I live a life that feels fulfilled, even if I'm missing the one thing that would make it all worthwhile? How do I not miss out on the life I can live because I'm focused on the life I can't?
How do I keep from disappearing?
It was a fear I had at the beginning: what if I give the last of myself to this person, and he discards me like all the others have? What if I end up with nothing left? What if I disappear because I no longer exist?
I feel myself fading these days. I have lost my will to keep fighting, my hope that things could still work out, and my desire for it even if it does. I feel myself losing interest in my job, my friends, my activities, and my life in general. I've been trying to keep myself motivated to continue on: I started a list of things I'd like to do in my life in an effort to light a fire in me; to set some goals and create some dreams. I was told once that goals and dreams are what make life worth living. I'm trying to believe that.
But it's all an outward show. Inside, I feel empty and dead.
I look around my apartment and try to inspire some interest. "Look, a nice clean kitchen just begging for you to do some cookie baking. That always makes you smile." But in reality, it's the anticipation of sharing the cookies that makes me smile. Now I look at the kitchen and think "but why?"
I want to stay in bed all the time, but when I do, I don't sleep. I eat very little, and all of it bad for me. I spend too much time watching TV because it's the only thing that keeps me from crying for no apparent reason. Until I start crying for no apparent reason.
I try to daydream to cheer myself up, to pretend a happy future, to imagine that magic moment when he realizes that he's made a mistake. But there's nothing to imagine anymore. Even if he did come back, would it be different? But how could it not be? And would I ever be able to forgive him for hurting me the way he has? I've lost all hope that we could still be because I can't see how we ever could.
I've sunk into a depression so deep that only a fireman without a collarbone could get to me. I don't know how to get out of it, and what's worse, I don't care if I ever do. I could waste away into nothingness for all I care.
I knew he'd be the one to make me disappear....
How do I go about filling my time and thoughts with other things? How do I live a life that feels fulfilled, even if I'm missing the one thing that would make it all worthwhile? How do I not miss out on the life I can live because I'm focused on the life I can't?
How do I keep from disappearing?
It was a fear I had at the beginning: what if I give the last of myself to this person, and he discards me like all the others have? What if I end up with nothing left? What if I disappear because I no longer exist?
I feel myself fading these days. I have lost my will to keep fighting, my hope that things could still work out, and my desire for it even if it does. I feel myself losing interest in my job, my friends, my activities, and my life in general. I've been trying to keep myself motivated to continue on: I started a list of things I'd like to do in my life in an effort to light a fire in me; to set some goals and create some dreams. I was told once that goals and dreams are what make life worth living. I'm trying to believe that.
But it's all an outward show. Inside, I feel empty and dead.
I look around my apartment and try to inspire some interest. "Look, a nice clean kitchen just begging for you to do some cookie baking. That always makes you smile." But in reality, it's the anticipation of sharing the cookies that makes me smile. Now I look at the kitchen and think "but why?"
I want to stay in bed all the time, but when I do, I don't sleep. I eat very little, and all of it bad for me. I spend too much time watching TV because it's the only thing that keeps me from crying for no apparent reason. Until I start crying for no apparent reason.
I try to daydream to cheer myself up, to pretend a happy future, to imagine that magic moment when he realizes that he's made a mistake. But there's nothing to imagine anymore. Even if he did come back, would it be different? But how could it not be? And would I ever be able to forgive him for hurting me the way he has? I've lost all hope that we could still be because I can't see how we ever could.
I've sunk into a depression so deep that only a fireman without a collarbone could get to me. I don't know how to get out of it, and what's worse, I don't care if I ever do. I could waste away into nothingness for all I care.
I knew he'd be the one to make me disappear....