Eruption of Mt. St. Deema
I am so sick of depending on other people to get me around. I'm so tired of having to ask people to take me to where ever it is that I need to be. I'm frustrated having my mother take me to work every morning. She's frustrating to deal with sometimes, and first thing in the morning, EVERY morning, is starting to wear on me. The longer this goes on, the moodier I am in the morning, which just makes for a irritating day in the office. Every day. And I'm tired of depending on other people to get me home from work every night. Yesterday, my grandma and aunt picked me up and the entire drive from my work to their homes was spent complaining, which is a favorite past-time for them. Yesterday it was the traffic, the roads, the other drivers, and the city employees responsible for the roads.
I haven't yet heard anything on the status of my car. Turns out, that is because they haven't started working on my car. Guess that makes sense.....
Mom and WonderDon are pushing for me to look at getting a new car, and I'm resisting. It seems odd since a new car makes sense and I would actually like to finally have a "grown-up" car. But yet, I avoid participation. Why? Well, because I feel terribly guilty about getting a new car after all the time and money that Mr. E put into my old car. He helped me out a ton, even putting four brand new tires on that thing, and I feel like getting a new car would be throwing away all his effort. Also, there's a side of me that resists because deep down I'd rather be looking for a new car with him. Car shopping was one of his favorite past-times and he actually made it a lot of fun for me (a very NON-car savvy sort) and I know this is something that he would really enjoy helping me with. But it's just not a good idea. And it hurts me to know all that. So I'm trying to avoid the whole thing. Which, unfortunately, keeps me in this dependent mode for even longer.
I'm concerned about my youngest brother. I know he's trying to do something more than just survival with his life, but he has that albatross of a best friend hanging around his neck and he won't do anything about it. He's such a smart, fun, almost responsible kid when his friend isn't around, but when he is around my brother becomes a huge dick. Rude, mean, irresponsible, stubborn....I am happy that my brother is such a loyal and helpful friend, but I wish that he would learn to be loyal and helpful to someone who helps him be a kind, caring, responsible and respectful human instead of the ass he becomes, and who doesn't take advantage of the friendship. My brother wants to move in with my other brother (which I think would be good), but my other brother won't let him because of the albatross best friend. Oh, and because my youngest brother is a pathological liar. I wish there was something I could do for him, but even if there was, I can't do it. While I'm not really angry with him anymore, I'm not sure I'm ready to trust him again. I keep trying to help, always with the same wide-eyed optimistic thought that "maybe this time he will prove to be responsible and take care of what I've loaned him" and look where that lands me: depending on others to take me to the store and bank. And yet, not helping goes against my big sister/replacement mother instincts. Good, just what I need, more conflicting emotions....
When my grandpa went into the hospital a little while ago, they did all kinds of tests and x-rays and such to see if they could figure out why he wasn't feeling well. I'm not sure if they ever figured out that particular affliction, but they did discover a spot on his lungs. Now he has to do more tests to find out what it might be. I'm worried; it seems everyone around me lately has cancer. I don't want my grandpa to have it, too.
I know that grandparents can't be around forever. I know that there comes a time when we have to say good-bye to them. But I'm not ready yet for that. I'm not ready for them not to be there. There's still so much I have to do with them and for them, so much left for me to tell them and learn from them. And I really don't want to have to watch either of them suffer. Why does cancer have to exist? Why can't everyone just "go gently into that good night"?
Mom keeps telling me that I should make an appointment to go to the doctor and have a check-up. Okay, I can see, I suppose, why this would be a good thing, considering I haven't been to the doctor in years. And now that I have medical insurance, why not get it over with? But I'm afraid to go. Like I said earlier, it seems everyone around me, and especially in my family, has been diagnosed with cancer. What if they find something in me too? What if I'm sick and have to go through all the surgeries and therapy and radiation and whatever else they put you through? What if I lose my hair, or a lung, or a rib, or a breast, or some other part of my body? As if I'm not self-conscience enough as it is. What if I don't get better, and I die? What if at twenty-something I'm condemned to death before ever knowing the joy of having a family, a real career, or someone who really loves me unconditionally?
Am I over-reacting? Probably. But when life is in it's downhill slide, there's no such thing as paranoid. Of course, the ironic thing about this fear is that going to the doctor sooner than later would be the safer thing for me to do. But I'm too afraid to make the appointment. So, like all the other things in life I'd rather not deal with, I just ignore it and hope it will fade away. Which it never does, but at least I have another day before I have to worry about it.
Mom's also trying to push me into counseling. She's been trying to get me to go for years. Apparently she thinks that I'll never be able to have a healthy relationship until I deal with things from my past. As if talking to some stranger is going to fix everything. As if opening up old wounds and reliving ugly memories are going to make me forget the sting of loving and losing. As if sharing the pain of yesterday is going to help me move forward tomorrow.
And in the midst of it all, there's still those conflicting emotions. The ones that simultaneously want solitude and company. The ones that want to be comforted but also want to be left alone to deal with all this crap on my own. The ones that REALLY want to call E and the ones that REALLY want me to move on and get over him.
AARRGGHH!!!!
I feel like I'm drowning! I need help, relief. Isn't there someone, anyone, who can rescue me, save me from this nightmare of an existance? Won't someone, please, take me away?
I haven't yet heard anything on the status of my car. Turns out, that is because they haven't started working on my car. Guess that makes sense.....
Mom and WonderDon are pushing for me to look at getting a new car, and I'm resisting. It seems odd since a new car makes sense and I would actually like to finally have a "grown-up" car. But yet, I avoid participation. Why? Well, because I feel terribly guilty about getting a new car after all the time and money that Mr. E put into my old car. He helped me out a ton, even putting four brand new tires on that thing, and I feel like getting a new car would be throwing away all his effort. Also, there's a side of me that resists because deep down I'd rather be looking for a new car with him. Car shopping was one of his favorite past-times and he actually made it a lot of fun for me (a very NON-car savvy sort) and I know this is something that he would really enjoy helping me with. But it's just not a good idea. And it hurts me to know all that. So I'm trying to avoid the whole thing. Which, unfortunately, keeps me in this dependent mode for even longer.
I'm concerned about my youngest brother. I know he's trying to do something more than just survival with his life, but he has that albatross of a best friend hanging around his neck and he won't do anything about it. He's such a smart, fun, almost responsible kid when his friend isn't around, but when he is around my brother becomes a huge dick. Rude, mean, irresponsible, stubborn....I am happy that my brother is such a loyal and helpful friend, but I wish that he would learn to be loyal and helpful to someone who helps him be a kind, caring, responsible and respectful human instead of the ass he becomes, and who doesn't take advantage of the friendship. My brother wants to move in with my other brother (which I think would be good), but my other brother won't let him because of the albatross best friend. Oh, and because my youngest brother is a pathological liar. I wish there was something I could do for him, but even if there was, I can't do it. While I'm not really angry with him anymore, I'm not sure I'm ready to trust him again. I keep trying to help, always with the same wide-eyed optimistic thought that "maybe this time he will prove to be responsible and take care of what I've loaned him" and look where that lands me: depending on others to take me to the store and bank. And yet, not helping goes against my big sister/replacement mother instincts. Good, just what I need, more conflicting emotions....
When my grandpa went into the hospital a little while ago, they did all kinds of tests and x-rays and such to see if they could figure out why he wasn't feeling well. I'm not sure if they ever figured out that particular affliction, but they did discover a spot on his lungs. Now he has to do more tests to find out what it might be. I'm worried; it seems everyone around me lately has cancer. I don't want my grandpa to have it, too.
I know that grandparents can't be around forever. I know that there comes a time when we have to say good-bye to them. But I'm not ready yet for that. I'm not ready for them not to be there. There's still so much I have to do with them and for them, so much left for me to tell them and learn from them. And I really don't want to have to watch either of them suffer. Why does cancer have to exist? Why can't everyone just "go gently into that good night"?
Mom keeps telling me that I should make an appointment to go to the doctor and have a check-up. Okay, I can see, I suppose, why this would be a good thing, considering I haven't been to the doctor in years. And now that I have medical insurance, why not get it over with? But I'm afraid to go. Like I said earlier, it seems everyone around me, and especially in my family, has been diagnosed with cancer. What if they find something in me too? What if I'm sick and have to go through all the surgeries and therapy and radiation and whatever else they put you through? What if I lose my hair, or a lung, or a rib, or a breast, or some other part of my body? As if I'm not self-conscience enough as it is. What if I don't get better, and I die? What if at twenty-something I'm condemned to death before ever knowing the joy of having a family, a real career, or someone who really loves me unconditionally?
Am I over-reacting? Probably. But when life is in it's downhill slide, there's no such thing as paranoid. Of course, the ironic thing about this fear is that going to the doctor sooner than later would be the safer thing for me to do. But I'm too afraid to make the appointment. So, like all the other things in life I'd rather not deal with, I just ignore it and hope it will fade away. Which it never does, but at least I have another day before I have to worry about it.
Mom's also trying to push me into counseling. She's been trying to get me to go for years. Apparently she thinks that I'll never be able to have a healthy relationship until I deal with things from my past. As if talking to some stranger is going to fix everything. As if opening up old wounds and reliving ugly memories are going to make me forget the sting of loving and losing. As if sharing the pain of yesterday is going to help me move forward tomorrow.
And in the midst of it all, there's still those conflicting emotions. The ones that simultaneously want solitude and company. The ones that want to be comforted but also want to be left alone to deal with all this crap on my own. The ones that REALLY want to call E and the ones that REALLY want me to move on and get over him.
AARRGGHH!!!!
I feel like I'm drowning! I need help, relief. Isn't there someone, anyone, who can rescue me, save me from this nightmare of an existance? Won't someone, please, take me away?