Today's Forecast: October Thinking On the Horizon
Today is such a dark day. Not weather-wise, of course. The bright sunshine and gentle breezes outside my window are the photo-negative of how I see the day. It seems completely out of place to me. It's just all wrong.
Today is gray skies, heavy clouds, drizzly rain, and fog. It's dead flower gardens, naked trees, and muted background colors. It's sweaters, coats, heaters, and blankets. It's graveyard shifts and VH1 at 3:00am. It's Blink-182, Linkin Park, and Puddle of Mudd. It's grays, blacks, and browns instead of pinks, yellows, and blues. It's book six of the Harry Potter series. It's late nights spent alone in dark bars and scary movies watched alone in dark houses. It's ghost stories, slasher flicks, and surprising plot twists. It's Stephen King and Alfred Hitchcock. It's embracing the thrill of being scared simply so that you no longer have to feel empty and numb. It's pretending to be something, anything, other than the lifeless shell you've become, even for just one day. It's fantasy and fiction accepted as real life.
It's Halloween in July.
The rest of the world doesn't seem to agree with me. The sun is still shining brightly, the air is warm, the people around me are smiling and laughing and living social lives. They don't seem to realize that all this is wrong; that the grass is not really green, the sky is not blue, and the hills are NOT alive with the sound of music.
I wish that I could close my eyes and sleep until a later time, a season when my Eeyore attitude is more acceptable, a month when the weather mirrors my mood rather than mocks it. I wish I could skip the rest of the happy, social summer and move forward to the gloomy solitude of fall.
Then it would be okay for me to pretend I'm anybody but the me I am. I would be able to play the game of "everything is perfectly fine" without anyone questioning me. I would be free to pretend I'm not broken and sad. And if I chose not to be that person, if I allowed myself to let the pain and loneliness wash over me, and mingled my tears with the ever-present rain drops falling around me, I would be able to because everyone around me could pretend not to notice.
There's comfort in knowing everyone is playing pretend with me. Why can't it be Halloween already?
Today is gray skies, heavy clouds, drizzly rain, and fog. It's dead flower gardens, naked trees, and muted background colors. It's sweaters, coats, heaters, and blankets. It's graveyard shifts and VH1 at 3:00am. It's Blink-182, Linkin Park, and Puddle of Mudd. It's grays, blacks, and browns instead of pinks, yellows, and blues. It's book six of the Harry Potter series. It's late nights spent alone in dark bars and scary movies watched alone in dark houses. It's ghost stories, slasher flicks, and surprising plot twists. It's Stephen King and Alfred Hitchcock. It's embracing the thrill of being scared simply so that you no longer have to feel empty and numb. It's pretending to be something, anything, other than the lifeless shell you've become, even for just one day. It's fantasy and fiction accepted as real life.
It's Halloween in July.
The rest of the world doesn't seem to agree with me. The sun is still shining brightly, the air is warm, the people around me are smiling and laughing and living social lives. They don't seem to realize that all this is wrong; that the grass is not really green, the sky is not blue, and the hills are NOT alive with the sound of music.
I wish that I could close my eyes and sleep until a later time, a season when my Eeyore attitude is more acceptable, a month when the weather mirrors my mood rather than mocks it. I wish I could skip the rest of the happy, social summer and move forward to the gloomy solitude of fall.
Then it would be okay for me to pretend I'm anybody but the me I am. I would be able to play the game of "everything is perfectly fine" without anyone questioning me. I would be free to pretend I'm not broken and sad. And if I chose not to be that person, if I allowed myself to let the pain and loneliness wash over me, and mingled my tears with the ever-present rain drops falling around me, I would be able to because everyone around me could pretend not to notice.
There's comfort in knowing everyone is playing pretend with me. Why can't it be Halloween already?