The Battle That Rages Within
I hate those days when I have nothing to say. Because those are usually the days that something inside of me is screaming to be heard.
Like today.
I feel like I've been in a battle lately and every day it's getting harder to continue fighting. I've mentally had my ass kicked and the casualty has been my self-esteem.
I don't know where this sudden attack on my confidence is coming from, but it's not holding back any punches this time. And it's not fighting fair at all.
First came the tried-and-true methods: the not-so-fun funhouse-type mirrors that reflect distorted images of me, the broken record of all my flaws that runs through my mind constantly, the critical comparison of me to all the other women in the world. Then came the doubt: doubt in my appearance and my personality; doubt in my worth and value; doubt in my job and abilities; doubt in my relationship; doubt in me.
And then last night, things started to get dirty. In those vulnerable moments between sleep and awake, my mind was suddenly and brutally run over by the past I thought I had banished. Memories of my past wrongs; memories of past wrongs that were done to me. Pictures of reasons that I should feel as worthless and inadequate as I do. Proof that I am less than I pretend to be. It was definitely hitting far below the belt.
I have a desire to do something about it; to make something better of myself; to prove that I am something more, something special. But to whom would I be trying to prove this? Myself? After all, I am the only one affected by this unfair noise.
And so, already I feel defeated. What good does it do to prove myself worthy when the noise and mirrors and ghosts from the past keep coming back, stronger each time? I don't want to keep fighting. My poor mind can't take any more abuse. I want to give up and retreat; to drag my poor, battle-scarred self back home, crawl into bed, and nurse myself back to a feeble health.
Why does this keep happening? Will it ever come to an end? Will I ever have peace from this war on my mind?
Like today.
I feel like I've been in a battle lately and every day it's getting harder to continue fighting. I've mentally had my ass kicked and the casualty has been my self-esteem.
I don't know where this sudden attack on my confidence is coming from, but it's not holding back any punches this time. And it's not fighting fair at all.
First came the tried-and-true methods: the not-so-fun funhouse-type mirrors that reflect distorted images of me, the broken record of all my flaws that runs through my mind constantly, the critical comparison of me to all the other women in the world. Then came the doubt: doubt in my appearance and my personality; doubt in my worth and value; doubt in my job and abilities; doubt in my relationship; doubt in me.
And then last night, things started to get dirty. In those vulnerable moments between sleep and awake, my mind was suddenly and brutally run over by the past I thought I had banished. Memories of my past wrongs; memories of past wrongs that were done to me. Pictures of reasons that I should feel as worthless and inadequate as I do. Proof that I am less than I pretend to be. It was definitely hitting far below the belt.
I have a desire to do something about it; to make something better of myself; to prove that I am something more, something special. But to whom would I be trying to prove this? Myself? After all, I am the only one affected by this unfair noise.
And so, already I feel defeated. What good does it do to prove myself worthy when the noise and mirrors and ghosts from the past keep coming back, stronger each time? I don't want to keep fighting. My poor mind can't take any more abuse. I want to give up and retreat; to drag my poor, battle-scarred self back home, crawl into bed, and nurse myself back to a feeble health.
Why does this keep happening? Will it ever come to an end? Will I ever have peace from this war on my mind?