Happy
Today, something really great happened. Well at least to me, it'll probabily not sound much for most of you, but for those of you know know me a little better than the average person, well then this will probabily come as a surprise to you too. I saw this girl today, and my heart literally skipped a beat. I'm talking about this feeling in which I haven't felt since 8th grade? or was it 10th? And my knees almost got weak and I got really jittery just from seeing that girl. No idea why tho, don't really want to find out. That part of me had been inactive for so long, I thought that I would never ever see it actually active again. Frankly speaking, I don't even care about the girl, and I might sound a bit narcissistic for saying this, but I'm just happy that I even have this type of emotion in me still =) THANK YOU RANDOM GIRL!!!!! The interesting thing that I must say is, I don't have an interest in persuing her. Like I don't want to find out who she is, or even get to know her.
With that said, I don't think you can ever help others or even just talk about the subject of liking someone, unless you, yourself, have experienced it. The feeling is amazing. It's like, I see girl, bam I feel about 50 mols of adrenaline released into my heart, which is instantly absorbed, and then the after effects is that you're all jittery. I try to regain composure, and I somehow make it out alive hoping that I didn't make a fool of myself.
*sigh* I really hope this doesn't happen to me again. I don't like this whole instablity business. I think I'll just go practice some more piano to get all that excess energy out of my system. I'm SO glad that I'm on my way from recovery from high school. I thought I'd never get to feel emotion again, but luckly I'm wrong. I have never been so happy to be prove myself wrong before. Another thing is, I think my will to stay single and not get a gf, is starting to crack. The institutions which kept that foundation in place aren't there anymore, and my will to maintain something unmaintainable is starting to break. It's like using gel that is pretty resistant to change, but will change eventually. You pour the gel into a hollow container in which both sides of the container are open, since one of the open sides is pressed flat against the floor or a surface of some sort. Now, you remove the container, and the gel maintains it's form as before. However, slowly but surely, the gel starts to change shape, as in, gravity pulls the gel down and it becomes less and less like it's original form. I think right now, I'm in the stage where the gel is starting to bend to the effects of gravity and is starting to change shape (melting) because lately, my will to resisting getting a gf has been kinda, well not the same as it used to be.
I seriously think that comming to college has changed my life for the better. Not only do I now deal with people who treat me with the proper respect, people genuinely care here, and that is something that I found lacking in high school. I feel renewed, but also slightly dull. I suppose you can't have it all. Anyway, going back to girls again (hahaha, I know what you guys must be thinking, that all I can think about is girls, but you guys are all wrong!). Sure I might have made a crapload of theories about girls last year, and sure I may have been bitter as hell about the whole white guy-asian girl, LAST YEAR. But one thing is for certain. It is our mindset which predisposes us to see what we want to see, and insignifcanize what we don't want to see. Also, I've realized that I've been in Berkeley for WAYYYY too long. I was only home for a total of about 2 months last year! So yeah, I've been deprived in the sense that there isn't really much diversity in terms of just seeing new random people, in different areas. But seriously, after what I felt today, I really do have high hopes for the future. Perhaps our life really does have it's ups and downs, and I've been in a down lately. I'm just really really sorry for all the girls expected something of me (from me?) and I let them down, because I was in a down period of my life. I just wish that things could've been different, and that I could have handled it differently. Sometimes, when I'm in class, and the professor is being terribly boring, my mind would zone out into one of those events between me and a girl who had hopes for me, and I would just play the senario out over and over again, wishing yet knowing that I could never go back and change what has happened in the past. But I always wonder (just for "fun" as in not seriously, meaning I don't let it get to me) what could've happened if some random factor changed. What if I weren't such a jackass to the people who would've cared about me; What if I hadn't led them on, knowing fully that I would and could never like them in the way which they liked me, yet letting the "I like you!" ritual get ever closer and closer to something which could not be, a destructive error; What if I had only been considerate; What if... I know these words mean nothing. I know these words don't do anything, and thus cannot change anything. But the fact that I realize, and that I have the capacity to understand my actions in the past, that in itself is something.
I really don't know why I'm being like this, except that I felt a part of me, in which I haven't felt since...8th grade. A part of me, which was locked away to be protected once I entered high school, or when that rumor almost devastated me. That innocent me. That naive me. That part of me, which was idealistic, which wanted the best for everyone, who believed that everyone was actually good inside, but was misled. That part of me, who wanted nothing more than everyone to win, so that no one would lose and feel bad. That part of me, that hopless romantic part of me, who daydreamed about the ideals of love, where the emotion once controled my brain more than reason did, that part of me, in which I was me. That part of me, which everyone in my old primary school liked, of all the good times past. That part of me, which is forever locked away in memory with those who now only exist in the figment of my imagination. Those memories of things I did in the long past, which no one else except I can visit. The things which make us who we are. The good things, the bad things, just the memories. Sometimes, when I was in Clark Kerr last year, I would go out onto the track field at 12 AM in the morning just to look at the stars before I went to sleep. I would sit on that field for hours at a time, just staring up. Hearing the trees rustle about, feel the cool breeze hit my face, see civilization below me shine up and everyone working hard doing something, which isn't really important when it comes to nature. I would stare up and look at the moon and try to imagine what it would've been like many years ago when the moon was closer. I would then stare into the stars, and just gaze across the stars in the night sky. Sometimes, I would catch faint stars that I couldn't really see just by glancing or staring. Sometimes, I would see specs fly across the night sky, leaving behind a trail of vaporized dust. That, my friends, that is life. Contemplation. To wonder. To feel. To experience.
It has been hard trying to make it this far alone. I still remember the day in middle school where I vowed to myself that it would be total independence, and self-reliance on myself to get ahead and no one else. I remember all those times in which I did the whole group project myself, and got everyone in the group A's, simply because I couldn't trust them to do anything as well as I thought I could. I still remember all those times in which I wanted to be, yet I couldn't be me, for being me, would violate everything I made myself stand for. I remeber all those times when I used to call people just for a casual talk, and the topics would range everywhere from girls to deep philosophical things about life, about how change worked, about the stars. Even now, if I sit in a really quiet place, and rest my mind, I can still hear the me as a kid, laughing away with real friends, as if it were just yesterday. In the end, when you blink your eyes, you are still there, all alone in the quiet. I just wish that, I could relive a day of my childhood. A time when I was ignorant. A time when I was naive, yet everyone else was, and all we did was have fun with each other. The simple times, in which if you knew how to spell correctly, you were considered "smart". Everything was so simple back then. It was either this or that, there was never an in between.
In all, I would just like to say. I think, that I've passed the threshold in which the social barriers I erected are of mere decoration, rather than some actual defense mechinism. I think, I can safely say, that I'm me again, of course with a few upgrades here and there. I think, all that shit I went through in middle school and high school, has only made me a better person, since I didn't succumb to it. Of course, no one will ever know what I went through, but thats not important, because I know what I went through. In a way, I"m glad that it happened this way, apart from the fact that the nature of jealousy made some people enemies along the way, but generally, I'd say, I'm a better person. It's just sad to say that pretty much everyone that accompanied me along this journey of mine, has become a memory for the most part, for some have died, while the rest have...moved far away. If I can get things right for the remainder of my years here at UC Berkeley, I am highly certain that I will graduate and enter the real world a different person. A person I have always wanted to be. Me, Myself, and I.
=)
With that said, I don't think you can ever help others or even just talk about the subject of liking someone, unless you, yourself, have experienced it. The feeling is amazing. It's like, I see girl, bam I feel about 50 mols of adrenaline released into my heart, which is instantly absorbed, and then the after effects is that you're all jittery. I try to regain composure, and I somehow make it out alive hoping that I didn't make a fool of myself.
*sigh* I really hope this doesn't happen to me again. I don't like this whole instablity business. I think I'll just go practice some more piano to get all that excess energy out of my system. I'm SO glad that I'm on my way from recovery from high school. I thought I'd never get to feel emotion again, but luckly I'm wrong. I have never been so happy to be prove myself wrong before. Another thing is, I think my will to stay single and not get a gf, is starting to crack. The institutions which kept that foundation in place aren't there anymore, and my will to maintain something unmaintainable is starting to break. It's like using gel that is pretty resistant to change, but will change eventually. You pour the gel into a hollow container in which both sides of the container are open, since one of the open sides is pressed flat against the floor or a surface of some sort. Now, you remove the container, and the gel maintains it's form as before. However, slowly but surely, the gel starts to change shape, as in, gravity pulls the gel down and it becomes less and less like it's original form. I think right now, I'm in the stage where the gel is starting to bend to the effects of gravity and is starting to change shape (melting) because lately, my will to resisting getting a gf has been kinda, well not the same as it used to be.
I seriously think that comming to college has changed my life for the better. Not only do I now deal with people who treat me with the proper respect, people genuinely care here, and that is something that I found lacking in high school. I feel renewed, but also slightly dull. I suppose you can't have it all. Anyway, going back to girls again (hahaha, I know what you guys must be thinking, that all I can think about is girls, but you guys are all wrong!). Sure I might have made a crapload of theories about girls last year, and sure I may have been bitter as hell about the whole white guy-asian girl, LAST YEAR. But one thing is for certain. It is our mindset which predisposes us to see what we want to see, and insignifcanize what we don't want to see. Also, I've realized that I've been in Berkeley for WAYYYY too long. I was only home for a total of about 2 months last year! So yeah, I've been deprived in the sense that there isn't really much diversity in terms of just seeing new random people, in different areas. But seriously, after what I felt today, I really do have high hopes for the future. Perhaps our life really does have it's ups and downs, and I've been in a down lately. I'm just really really sorry for all the girls expected something of me (from me?) and I let them down, because I was in a down period of my life. I just wish that things could've been different, and that I could have handled it differently. Sometimes, when I'm in class, and the professor is being terribly boring, my mind would zone out into one of those events between me and a girl who had hopes for me, and I would just play the senario out over and over again, wishing yet knowing that I could never go back and change what has happened in the past. But I always wonder (just for "fun" as in not seriously, meaning I don't let it get to me) what could've happened if some random factor changed. What if I weren't such a jackass to the people who would've cared about me; What if I hadn't led them on, knowing fully that I would and could never like them in the way which they liked me, yet letting the "I like you!" ritual get ever closer and closer to something which could not be, a destructive error; What if I had only been considerate; What if... I know these words mean nothing. I know these words don't do anything, and thus cannot change anything. But the fact that I realize, and that I have the capacity to understand my actions in the past, that in itself is something.
I really don't know why I'm being like this, except that I felt a part of me, in which I haven't felt since...8th grade. A part of me, which was locked away to be protected once I entered high school, or when that rumor almost devastated me. That innocent me. That naive me. That part of me, which was idealistic, which wanted the best for everyone, who believed that everyone was actually good inside, but was misled. That part of me, who wanted nothing more than everyone to win, so that no one would lose and feel bad. That part of me, that hopless romantic part of me, who daydreamed about the ideals of love, where the emotion once controled my brain more than reason did, that part of me, in which I was me. That part of me, which everyone in my old primary school liked, of all the good times past. That part of me, which is forever locked away in memory with those who now only exist in the figment of my imagination. Those memories of things I did in the long past, which no one else except I can visit. The things which make us who we are. The good things, the bad things, just the memories. Sometimes, when I was in Clark Kerr last year, I would go out onto the track field at 12 AM in the morning just to look at the stars before I went to sleep. I would sit on that field for hours at a time, just staring up. Hearing the trees rustle about, feel the cool breeze hit my face, see civilization below me shine up and everyone working hard doing something, which isn't really important when it comes to nature. I would stare up and look at the moon and try to imagine what it would've been like many years ago when the moon was closer. I would then stare into the stars, and just gaze across the stars in the night sky. Sometimes, I would catch faint stars that I couldn't really see just by glancing or staring. Sometimes, I would see specs fly across the night sky, leaving behind a trail of vaporized dust. That, my friends, that is life. Contemplation. To wonder. To feel. To experience.
It has been hard trying to make it this far alone. I still remember the day in middle school where I vowed to myself that it would be total independence, and self-reliance on myself to get ahead and no one else. I remember all those times in which I did the whole group project myself, and got everyone in the group A's, simply because I couldn't trust them to do anything as well as I thought I could. I still remember all those times in which I wanted to be, yet I couldn't be me, for being me, would violate everything I made myself stand for. I remeber all those times when I used to call people just for a casual talk, and the topics would range everywhere from girls to deep philosophical things about life, about how change worked, about the stars. Even now, if I sit in a really quiet place, and rest my mind, I can still hear the me as a kid, laughing away with real friends, as if it were just yesterday. In the end, when you blink your eyes, you are still there, all alone in the quiet. I just wish that, I could relive a day of my childhood. A time when I was ignorant. A time when I was naive, yet everyone else was, and all we did was have fun with each other. The simple times, in which if you knew how to spell correctly, you were considered "smart". Everything was so simple back then. It was either this or that, there was never an in between.
In all, I would just like to say. I think, that I've passed the threshold in which the social barriers I erected are of mere decoration, rather than some actual defense mechinism. I think, I can safely say, that I'm me again, of course with a few upgrades here and there. I think, all that shit I went through in middle school and high school, has only made me a better person, since I didn't succumb to it. Of course, no one will ever know what I went through, but thats not important, because I know what I went through. In a way, I"m glad that it happened this way, apart from the fact that the nature of jealousy made some people enemies along the way, but generally, I'd say, I'm a better person. It's just sad to say that pretty much everyone that accompanied me along this journey of mine, has become a memory for the most part, for some have died, while the rest have...moved far away. If I can get things right for the remainder of my years here at UC Berkeley, I am highly certain that I will graduate and enter the real world a different person. A person I have always wanted to be. Me, Myself, and I.
=)