well now i can see the stars
i was looking back at old journal entries today while adam was at class. and it was just crazy. all the entries about how i needed a boy, and how i was lonley. And so many random crazy things having to do with my dear Whitney McP and all the talk of AMDA and the countdown till i started first semester and then times during the semesters when i was so lonley when i first moved to NY, and when i was thinking that maybe this acting thing wasnt for me.. The random bitching about roommates, sappy song lyrics, new boys, the new boys leaving.. Man i was a pill.. Everything is so different now. I have Adam who is the love of my life, who im certain is the person who was put on this earth to be with me, the one person who knows me better then i know myself. And im not lonley anymore. I have him. I will always have him. And i dont have to worry because hes there. the second something starts to bother me hes right there, bugging me to talk about it because he knows that if i dont ill fall apart inside one of these days and ill break down. i used to just wish that i would find someone like that, someone who would love me completly for who i was. who i didnt hve to try to impress. and i found him. and i feel like that part of my life is complete. that he makes me, me.. ya know.. likei know i could function without him.. but i dont ever want to. i know people think that 20 is too young to find that person.. but i dont.. if it feels right, then it feels right. and its right.. i guess now that thats perfect.. its time for everything else to fall apart.. i feel like i dont have friends sometimes.. i mean i know i do. But the one person that i have ever really felt close to is Whitney and she is so busy being amazing and kicking ass at wells that i never get to see her or talk to her. and i think a little part of me misses when she and i can just be goofy.. and sit on my porch and giggle like girls and eat popsicles and play with our cell phones listening to Britney Spears.. And its like everything in the world didnt matter when we did that.. No matter how fucked up everything else is, we had that, and it almost seemed like we didnt need anyone else.. i really miss her alot. shes like the other me. the one person in the world that i can tell absolutly everything to and not worry about being judged or looked down on. she gets it. like no other person does. it sucks not having her to vent to sometimes.. i miss our summer of playing, boys,going shopping, eating prolly a million popsicles, driving around and being silly.. it kind of makes me sad to think that we arent really ever going to have something like that again. i dont understand how some things can be so perfect, and others so wretched. i have neverin my life felt as lost as i do. my mind is constently in a million different directions. im part devistated, a little bit relieved, really angry and what seems to be a million other things. i just dont understand.. i dont understand why it has to happen now. im so young.. im sholdnt have to be going through this now. im too young.. this wasnt suppost to happen till i was like 40 something. not 20.. im not ready for this to happen.. hes going to miss too much.. hes not going to be there when i get married.. or wheni have my babies someday.. i dont know why it has to happen now. its not fair.. im not ready to deal with it.. i cant even imagine my mom.. sitting alone.. in that big house.. i think thats breaking my heart more then anything.. i mean my dads sick.. and i know that.. he has been for along time. and i guess it will be better when it actualy does happen because he wont hurt anymore. He just hurts.. and i hate to see him like that.. its killing me.. thats why i had to run away.. thats why i came back here early.. because i cant handle it.. and then that makes me feel selfish because i feel like im running out. running out on my mom and matthew.. buti cant do it. i cant be there and watch him die. I cant sit there and not be able to do anything. I dont know how to do that. to sit there and just deal with the fact that my father is going to die.. there is no question. Its going to happen. and im not ready for it.. and this not dealing with it for so long thing.. Is really starting to take its toll on me.. And now.. Its the only thing im able to deal with. I wish that everything could be good. I would have Adam, my dad would be ok. My mom wouldnt have to be dealing with all this shit. Matthew would be happy again. And i wouldnt have had to leave school. But thats not going to happen. and i know that. but i sure as hell wish it could.