(no subject)
i have a blackhead in my nose.
eating lots of fruits and vegetables lately... yum. i realized my nutritional oatmeal is kindof beast. 50% dv of calcium in oatmeal. oatmeal! ridiculous.
also, splenda turns into this strange syrup when you heat it. i was caramelizing pecans with it (badly) and it changes from crystal to syrup alarmingly fast.
i'm writing my memoirs. so far anyway.
i have too many words in my head and i just want to spit them all out on the ground. it's not fair that i can't have my own show my own movie my own book my own column where everyone is listening and i'm like hey. have you ever noticed that cooked broccoli smells like farts, and it also makes you fart? or, hey do you know that feeling when you look at someone you dont know yet but kind of do? (like at a job training. or a friend of a friend who came along to the movies. or someone who offers you a free pretzel wrapped hot dog every time you're in the food court at the mall.) and they look at you and you can tell they think you're attractive and you think they're attractive or maybe they just THINK they think that because they think you think THEY are? or maybe you just think you think they're attractive because they think you are, or even you just think you think they're attractive because they think they think you are because they think you think they are? and you start acting like someone's watching you, convinced that this person is just. riveted. by your presence when really you just look like an asshole and why the hell would anyone be riveted by you. and there you are holding up your head for nobody. craning your neck like an asshole hoping this is a flattering position for your graceful collarbones that someone has to notice sooner or later.
i don't know. i want to have a band and i want to have a show and i want to film my life. i want to watch someone else's life in the movie theater. sometimes i feel like i'm going through life under some sort of emotional novicaine and if i watched it in the movie theater maybe i would realize how strange or poignant it is. sometimes i zoom out and see myself talking to my grandma in the nursing home and wonder, is this the moment i'm going to remember when she goes? but we can't control what we remember. i'll probably remember the nightmare i had about her throwing up at christmas. or was that grandpa. i guess i won't remember that one. i just mean i'll remember something i didn't even think to capture in my mind at the time. my mom says i'll remember this someday. "this time," she called it. so far i've played a lot of tetris and written a lot of words and not cried. i feel a little zoomed-out all the time, actually. not zoned. zoomed. i guess some people would call it distant, or remote. i just feel like i'm far away from what's happening. i wonder if i'll have my last moment with my grandparents and not even know it. not even know to pay attention to it or remember what i said or how many times i inhaled and exhaled and if i was standing on carpet or tile or what? i find myself carefully choosing my goodbyes, making sure to look people i love in the eye before heading to the grocery store, before walking out of the nursing home. i pay a disproportionate amount of attention to the way i say goodbye on my cell phone. i stop and focus real hard on my voice and their voice in the phone in my hand in my car on this street by this intersection coming from on the way to on a sunny cloudy tuesday friday monday and i almost get in car accidents all the time because my blind spot isn't important, my grandma is important.
eating lots of fruits and vegetables lately... yum. i realized my nutritional oatmeal is kindof beast. 50% dv of calcium in oatmeal. oatmeal! ridiculous.
also, splenda turns into this strange syrup when you heat it. i was caramelizing pecans with it (badly) and it changes from crystal to syrup alarmingly fast.
i'm writing my memoirs. so far anyway.
i have too many words in my head and i just want to spit them all out on the ground. it's not fair that i can't have my own show my own movie my own book my own column where everyone is listening and i'm like hey. have you ever noticed that cooked broccoli smells like farts, and it also makes you fart? or, hey do you know that feeling when you look at someone you dont know yet but kind of do? (like at a job training. or a friend of a friend who came along to the movies. or someone who offers you a free pretzel wrapped hot dog every time you're in the food court at the mall.) and they look at you and you can tell they think you're attractive and you think they're attractive or maybe they just THINK they think that because they think you think THEY are? or maybe you just think you think they're attractive because they think you are, or even you just think you think they're attractive because they think they think you are because they think you think they are? and you start acting like someone's watching you, convinced that this person is just. riveted. by your presence when really you just look like an asshole and why the hell would anyone be riveted by you. and there you are holding up your head for nobody. craning your neck like an asshole hoping this is a flattering position for your graceful collarbones that someone has to notice sooner or later.
i don't know. i want to have a band and i want to have a show and i want to film my life. i want to watch someone else's life in the movie theater. sometimes i feel like i'm going through life under some sort of emotional novicaine and if i watched it in the movie theater maybe i would realize how strange or poignant it is. sometimes i zoom out and see myself talking to my grandma in the nursing home and wonder, is this the moment i'm going to remember when she goes? but we can't control what we remember. i'll probably remember the nightmare i had about her throwing up at christmas. or was that grandpa. i guess i won't remember that one. i just mean i'll remember something i didn't even think to capture in my mind at the time. my mom says i'll remember this someday. "this time," she called it. so far i've played a lot of tetris and written a lot of words and not cried. i feel a little zoomed-out all the time, actually. not zoned. zoomed. i guess some people would call it distant, or remote. i just feel like i'm far away from what's happening. i wonder if i'll have my last moment with my grandparents and not even know it. not even know to pay attention to it or remember what i said or how many times i inhaled and exhaled and if i was standing on carpet or tile or what? i find myself carefully choosing my goodbyes, making sure to look people i love in the eye before heading to the grocery store, before walking out of the nursing home. i pay a disproportionate amount of attention to the way i say goodbye on my cell phone. i stop and focus real hard on my voice and their voice in the phone in my hand in my car on this street by this intersection coming from on the way to on a sunny cloudy tuesday friday monday and i almost get in car accidents all the time because my blind spot isn't important, my grandma is important.