(no subject)
I am so stressed and hurt right now. I dont really know what I'm thinking about or how to think it really, things are just bothering me, everything is just bothering me, there is too much for me to handle and its just not worth the effort, its worse than the daily routine I carry, this constant conversion of oxygen is getting old, and yet I re learn the process every minute. Things are so complicated right now and I wish for once I could just be happy. My goal.... is to find someone that makes me happy and doesnt dra me down. I feel like I have weights on my feet. Like I cant go anywhere even if wanted to. Like I've managed to trap myself in this hole of nothing and I fucking hate it I hate everything thats happening and yet its all just so fucking perfect.
why cant I just stay happy. that day was amazing, and when I met these new people, I forgot everything thats going wrong with me and my life, I forgot about my father and his psychosematic bullshit, I forgot about the alcohol and the drugs, I forgot about the lust and the promiscuity and I forgot about the pain I feel every day because I gave myself to something that I swore I would always hate. I sold myself. I'm just a sellout. I'm tired of it all. so much so badly...
truth is... the people I met today, they were happy... I wish I could be like them... I wish I could be with them, I would be happy here.... I could be. But I wont. Because I'm going to bend my decisions off of one person even though its not going to matter in a month and things are going to rip me appart and its all just so shittyI just dot know what to do and I dont know what I want... I want the freedom that I gave myself before, but I throw it away by getting into this with people....
devinne makes me happy, but then it all crumbles once shes not around me and it sucks because shes too young to even consider me and even if she did it wouldnt work. fuck all of it I just need to not care. so I dont. I'm done
why cant I just stay happy. that day was amazing, and when I met these new people, I forgot everything thats going wrong with me and my life, I forgot about my father and his psychosematic bullshit, I forgot about the alcohol and the drugs, I forgot about the lust and the promiscuity and I forgot about the pain I feel every day because I gave myself to something that I swore I would always hate. I sold myself. I'm just a sellout. I'm tired of it all. so much so badly...
truth is... the people I met today, they were happy... I wish I could be like them... I wish I could be with them, I would be happy here.... I could be. But I wont. Because I'm going to bend my decisions off of one person even though its not going to matter in a month and things are going to rip me appart and its all just so shittyI just dot know what to do and I dont know what I want... I want the freedom that I gave myself before, but I throw it away by getting into this with people....
devinne makes me happy, but then it all crumbles once shes not around me and it sucks because shes too young to even consider me and even if she did it wouldnt work. fuck all of it I just need to not care. so I dont. I'm done